Topic : Teen Dating

I'm a married 53 yr old. I have been married for 34 yrs. I have 4 children who are all grown up. I have 6 grand children. I was very lucky in my life. I'm very happy in my life. I bellieve very much that my past decissions has affected my happiness in my life. When I was a teen, I conssiously not allowed boys to touch me. I'm a catholic & believe not to sin. My husband was the first & the only man in my life. He adores me. Everyday & all day he shows me how much he loves me. He apreciate me & respects me. Everyone can have that. I'm saying all this, just to show you all, the future of the right decissions while you are still young now. I think that you should respect yourself. You should not have sex with anyone who just want to have fun with you. Only if someone loves you for what you are. Respects you. Wants to spends his life with you. Someone who cannot live without you. Someone who wants to marry you. Even then you should not have sex with him until you do get married. Also Men wants that too. Men look for good descent girls who are not slutts & sleep around. Thats what my husband wanted. Thats what my sons looked for. I feel so sorry for teens these days because there is so much temptations around. Its hard to avoid all the bad influence that are around teens. Dont allow these bad things to influence you. Avoid them. Go to church. Listen to the words. Be aware when you are about to do the wrong thing. Its so much easier to be good. It's hard life to do the wrong things in life. Get respect. Demand respect. Respect yourself. You can be happy in your life without alcohol. You dont have to drink alcohol to be happy & enjoy yourself. In fact you will be in control & be more happy without alcohol. You will be happier in your future if you do the right things now. Dont have excuses. I didnt allow my father to affect me, he was a very bad person. He darnk & beat my mother. I helped my mother to leave him. My mother is a naive un-educated person who is so wise. She taught me a lot. I hope my words get through to you to help you be happy in your life. There was a lot of bad influences for me when I was young, but I recognised & avoided them all. My cousins tried to change me, but I didnt listen to them. Now many years later they are all unhappy & divorced. I'm still married to the same man who loves me more each day. I'm so proud of myself, I have very high self-esteem. I'm loved & respected by everyone who knows me. These days it's very rare to find good descent girls. Please wake up all & respect your body & yourself so other people will respect you back. Keep your legs closed until marriage. Make the right decissions. As soon as you have sex with someone, they leave you cold & lonely & feeling used & unhappy. That was all they wanted. They loose respect for you. Its because you didnt respect yourself when you allowed him to. You are in control. It's all up to you. There are so many unhappy teens these days. I'm hoping that my message will help you decide the right way. I wish Dr Phil advises this on his shows. He can influence teens to wake up. Teens will be so much happier if they enjoy their innocent years.

Wow what do you have a low opinion of teenage boys. You think that all they want is sex. There is a little more to them then that you say. I know it's popular to write off boys as evil, but they are also insecure feeling pressure to have sex because they feel all their friends have had sex. (even though that is of course not true.)

Besides that they are often working hard in school and or work. They have hobbies like football hang out with friends etc. Don't try to make them into a stereotype of sex driven homing missiles only thinking with their you-know-what.

Also your picture of teenage women isn't very flattering. They are always a victim of the actions of others! Everything just happens to them without their influence. Please realize that she has influence over her actions as well. She can decide to have sex or not, at least if she is empowered by her parents and teachers to think for herself. If they keep her a victim then she will just undergo her fate.

Also you say the innocent teen years, what innocent teen years? I mean when you just let them explore their own sexuality offering support, answering questions and empowering their sexuality then you'll see that they ask questions already at a very young age and keep asking questions until they go off and explore for themselves. The innocent teen years are an invention of Victorian era kept alive by religious leaders.

I had my first "girlfriend" at age 7 at age 12 you see the start of so called traffic light relationships (on and off changing at an hourly basis at times) this innocent behavior evolves slowly into adult relationships, at least if you as a parent help them with that. Without guidance they might grow up to soon or not at all.

You are lucky that you are still married, but I've seen it the other way around. Teens marrying at age 18 so they can have sex, only to find out they are not compatible sexually and divorcing 2 or 3 years later. Dr. Phil will not endorse your point of view because scientifically it is untrue. Teens living in countries where sexuality is seen as part of live like the Netherlands, Germany, Denmark etc. teen pregnancies and STD's rates are very low. In the US where sexuality sometimes doesn't even seem to exist teen pregnancy and STD rates are very high (more then 10x that of the European countries) even though they are declining in recent years.

 

If you read my message again, You will see that I never mentioned boys been evil. In fact I'm here for the happiness of Women & Men together. You missunderstood me. I want everyone even the family quality life to improve. It's for everyone to be happy. Even parents. I dont believe that girls should sleep around so easily. I have 3 sons & one daughter. 33, 32, 28 who are married & the 24 is still at home. They are very good children. My youngest son just met a beautiful good girl who is so bubbly & confident. Never puts make up, Doesnt go to clubs, doesnt drink, who is still a virgin. Shes 18yrs old. She's the eldest so she helps her mum a lot. My son has been seen her for a while. All they do together is visit her house watch tv with her family, play games. Go for walks or to the cinema, play at the park with her sisters & brothers etc... . They like my son because they see quality in him. He respects her. My son is so happy with her because shes so smart & confident, has a very high self-esteem. He is hoping that one day maybe he marries her. He is so excited about finding someone like her. She is very rare these days. Why should she be rare. I see everything clearly. I see very unhappy girls who drink & have sex with many different people. They stay with someone for a while then they leave each other. Usually the guys had enough of them. They dont want serious relashionship. They leave the girls feeling used & unhappy. Guys sleep around with girls who are willing. But when it comes to serious relashionship & marriage, they want good girls. My sons tell me everything. They want good girls but they are so rare these days. Because they are easily influenced by peer pressure etc... . Someone should agree with me. I listened to my mother when I was a teen & it worked for me. I'm very well respected by everyone. I feel that a lot of women are loosing a lot of self-esteem because of the way, the guys dump them after using them. They wont commit. Women are the ones who can stop the guys from having sex before they commit or before they know each other well enough. I want to advise girls to be more decent & respect themselves. Not to be influenced & pressured by other people. I have 1 daughter who is now 34 yrs old. Her husband worships her. She has 3 daughters who are my beautiful grand-daughters. The eldest one is 13. I want to teach them the way I believe. I want them to respect themselves. We are close. I always talk to them & play with them. They want to be like me & of course my aughter their mother. We are good influence on them. Hopefully the outside world wont change them. I feel sorry for parents who works so hard for their children but grow up & give them hell. I'm going to try my very best to spread the word around & let them see themselves more clearly. Open their eyes to whats going on. New days & new age doesnt change this feeling that everyone needs. We should be more clever & know that this is big part of many unhappiness in life. By the way I like to thank you for your compliment about my profile picture. It's me on my 50th birthday 3 years ago. I look after myself. Also I believe that my peaceful & happy life makes me look younger. I never smoked, drank or took any drugs. I'm pampered by my very loving husband everyday. I have been good & kind all my life. I feel incredible peace in my heart. Knowing that I have one & only man in my life. I believe that couples with just one partner live longer look younger & are more satisfied in their lives. No stress of cheating or leaving each other. I'm sure the women who have many partners must feel insecure. I want others to feel the way I do. If girls are more wise & respect themselves, other people will respect them. I love life & I think there are so many unhapy teenagers these days. I want to advise them to take it easy & enjoy their teen years. Girls get hurt more then guys. Only because they have sex because they are fooled by guys who believe that they are special & love them. But a lot of girls get dumped after the girls get clingy & want commitments. I see that everywhere these days. The girls who wait & dont get influenced are the winners. They get respected & get very high self-esteem. I respect sex a lot. I think its much too special to give it away so easily. Guys will be so much happier with a women who save themselves. They feel more special to know that they were the only one for ever. They respect her more. If I slept around when I was a teen, then my husband wouldnt have wanted me. He wouldnt have felt good about himself for been the only man who touched me. I wouldnt have been confident with high self-esteem the way I am now. My life would have been miserable. So you see. I dont think of the girls only. I think of guys too. I think of life altogether in general. I know that what I'm wishing for is unreal for these days & age. Thats why I think that a woman like me is very rare. I wanted to encourage girls not to do it so easilly & not to feel that they have to or they should Or they are not normal if they dont. Also a lot of parents are so unhappy from their teens who rebel against them. Even with the best parenting possible, their teens still rebel because they have a lot of bad influences around them everywhere. If my message help just one teenager, then I'm happy. Thats all.

My 15 year old daughter has just told me that she is dating a 19yo "pothead".  I absolutely do not agree with this, but the situation makes my parenting beliefs very difficult.

 

My daughter was born when her mother was 16, and I was 18.  Her mother has sole custody of her, and lives on the other side of the country, with her husband their 3 children.  I am only able to see my daughter once a year, when we normally go on a vacation/trip together.  We talk all the time on the computer, as well as on the phone.  I provide her with a cell phone which I pay for, and recently bought her a new laptop and sent it off to her.

 

My daughter started having sex with one of her other boyfriend when she was late 13, early 14 years old.  I also do not agree with this, but her mother put her on birth control.  I spoke to my daughter and told her what I thought, but it is difficult to enforce any parenting beliefs when I am so far away, especially when her mother is okay with it.  That boyfriend broke up with her in September, and the next day I found out she had a different boyfriend.  She was with him for a week or two, and then she went to a drinking party (which her mother ok'd), and something happened that caused her and the boyfriend to break up.  The next day, I found out she was dating a 19yo "pothead" (as she says it). 

 

She sincerely believes that this guy has quit smoking pot for her (which I don't buy for a second), and she says he likes and respects her.  But, I don't believe any of it, why else would a 19yo want to date a 15yo (just turned 15)?  I don't think it's because they have things in common.....

 

I have talked to her mother about this, and my strong feelings about it all.  I have also told my daughter how I feel, and explained calmly why I am disappointed in her decision to date this guy.  I have cut off her cell phone, becaus eI am not going to support her talking to him in any way.  I have also asked her to send me the laptop, because I do not want her to use it to talk to these people.  I have made it clear that I completely disagree with this relationship, but I don't know what else I can do?!?!?

 

 

Sorry for the late reply, the things I need to do in a week take longer then the time there is in a week. I'm guessing you know the feeling. ;-)

So okay no you didn't say boys are evil, not literally anyways. But what you say repeatidly is that the boys do the negative things and the girls get left with he hurting. Evn in this messageyou say that the boys dump the girls and the girls are left hurt. Maybe it is  because you and no one around you really dated but this is just a stereotype fed by hollywood drama's. In real life girls use boys just as boys get hurt and dumped. Boys want serous relationhips while girls don't etc. It's not like you say a sort of 1950's world where girls are innocent and theboys the evildoers.

Indeed it is true that there are many teens unhappy, but it is their age, though some are secure most aren't. That is because they are in an identity crises. Untill now they relied on their parents for huge parts of their identity. But when they enter their teen years they are going to find out who they really are and how their norms and vaues are. Or as Erickson desribed it: their coreconflict is identity versus roleconflict.

I'm glad you are close with your grandchildren and I hope they do ot need to rebell. You wonder though why teens rebel against their parents. Well their are two main reasons for that:  First is that teens don't get enough boundries or if they do they are not consequently held. Rebelling is then a cry for help, asking to give boundries. Testing how far hey can go. This ofcourse will start at an early age offcourse and not in their teen years becaue these parents don't just stop giving boundries all at once.

The other reason to rebell is to have too much rules and not treating them as young adults. When they grow older you need to relax the rules a bit and get to a higher level of communication, Making them part of the decision proces. If they feel they are taken seriously they have no need to rebell. The rebelling is their way of getting loose from their parents, in order for them to become good adults.

Maybe your husband wated a girl who was a virgin when he married her but in my social group nobody minds if the girl has experience or not (neiher for the boy.) Maybe they even like it if a girl knows what she wants just like the boys do.

I do believe that you would be unhappy if you didn't save yourself because of your religious beliefs but I don't think that that is the truth for the rest of the world. I see many happy people virgin or not. Dating around helps to make you a better partner (even if you don't have sex) because you will know better what you want. Even if that means in the short term there will be some hurting.

My son has seemed to changed before my very eyes.  He got a job at McDonalds last year.  He was and still is an honor roll student.  This summer he became uninterested in normal things but has had about 3 to 4 girlfriends.  The one he has now is 16, a high school drop out and has a baby.  He is in love with her, wants to marry her and he is still in high school.  He is talking about dropping out too.  He has become very distant with us, his parents.  He seems to think he knows it all and all I can see is disaster on its way.  I don't know what to do anymore.  He was a good kid and now is smoking, having sex and breaking every rule we have set.  I am literally beside myself wondering what went wrong.

I am not a dictator at all,,but his father is.  He has told me that he does not even feel affected by his words any longer and I know the feeling for I feel the same about his father.  His father and I still live together and I am the softer one.  I tell him how much I care about him and try to talk to him about all issues.  He recently has become so offensive towards me as well.  He groups his father and I as one...the enemy. 

 

Last week, he wanted to go visit his girlfriend...I said no, you have been working every night and you need to stay home tonight.  He called someone to come get him and left anyway.  I then called the police to find out more information.  I am worried he may be in over his head with his friends.  It seems they have such a strong hold over him and much more powerful than I. 

 

He has changed so much since hanging with them.  He seems to think he can move in with his friend and pay him 75 dollars a month as rent and live happily ever after.  They live like pigs, and have junk all over their porch and never cut their grass and buy cars and never get the old one fixed.  Their place looks like a dump.  And he chooses them over US.  I guess they accept him for who he is and why wouldn't they, they have no ambition at all.  So he does not need to impress them.  He likes it easy I guess.

 

You are right, I don't have much time left.  I decided to get tough though.  When He left the other night, I saw a light come on.  He does not respect me or he would not have left.  He won't do that with his dad here.  I quietly turned off his text messaging so he could not text his friend anymore.  He even bought another phone and it was taken so he could not message anyone.  They seem to talk and message all day long and I have had it.  If I am going to lose him, I won't do it lying down.  I am fighting back.  He thinks we have been tough, well he has not seen my bad side and I am so upset that he thinks he knows it all.  He is making such a major mistake and I have to somehow knock some sense into him. 

 

He knows I love him, and he takes advantage of my kindness. 

my daughter 16 had been dating a boy for 2 years and they have gotten along great but in march he broke up with her she cried went and talked to him, he took her back, he said it was because he wanted to spend more time with his friends and that wasn't fair to her, than he went to her prom, she went to his prom and he graduated we all went to his graduation and the night of his graduation he broke up with her through a text message(coward)! he said it is because his feelings have changed but his parents and I think it is because he is going off to college in a few months and he wants to make sure that when he is in college that there is not someone else out there for him, and he is the only one my daughter has ever dated, and same for him.  my daughter is really heart broken, she loves him, but his parents and I have told her if it is meant to be someday than he will be back.  his parents love my daughter to pieces, they are keeping the lines of communication open by texting her, my daughter says funny they aren't mad at me they are mad at their son. what does anyone out there think about my daughter keeping in contact with his parents.  I am torn in 2 different directions about it, they are good people, but I just don't know, I wonder if the xboyfriend knows it and if not how he would feel if he knew it. any thoughts out there, thanks for the input

Well that is a problem between him and his parents. Your daughter doesn't have to give up everything because the two of them broke up. If there is mutual intrest in keeping in touch they should. It might be a little ackward especially in the beginning but it wil either wear off or the contact will die down slowly.

Just let it be, it is not really your problem even though you feel weighted by it.

good luck,
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