Quote From: singxtoxmeMy best friend has gone totally downhill. She's broken up and dated the same guy 3 times -- WE'RE THIRTEEN! She tells me she loves him, she kisses him, hugs him, makes out with him, and they invite each other over to each others houses constantly. Her mom won't do anything except stay in her own room - and let her daughter and the boy run the house.
WHAT DO I DO? I'm her best friend - i cant watch her do this and i wont except that there's nothing else to do. I've tried telling her she doesn't know a thing about love - tried telling her that we're only thirteen - tried tried tried. It doesn't work. She twists it around and makes me feel stupid or "younger". I think she thinks that she's more "mature" because she makes out and does all this stuff with her boyfriend. I think she's easy.
The farthest I've 'gone' with a guy is holding hands, and hugging. I went over to his house ONCE, when three other moms were over there, three other guys, and three other girls (they weren't dating). So it wasn't really that big of a deal for me it was just going to a little party. But my friend and her boyfriend constantly are alone. I'm worried she'll be pregnant if things dont stop soon.
And i'm always mad at her, and always angry - because I can't believe she's doing this. He's cheated on her, made her feel like crap, and yet she doesn't care. Her parents and grandparents put so much pressure on her - or just don't care. It's like they don't notice. Yet right as we speak she's at his house doing God knows what. I'm flipping out...
Lately we haven't hung out at all very much. She came over today but had to leave because she had to hang out with her boyfriend (what's new?). While she was over all she did was instant message him on my computer, while I played video-game with my little brother & sister. I feel like I"m the only person in the world that sees her wasting away. She's with him at school, with him at home, text messages him until 2 AM sometimes - and her grades are going down.
She's always been boy-crazy but I never, NEVER expected this. I've been blessed enough to be raised by a GREAT family with morals, and respect and love. But honestly if my mom had EVER caught me on the bed with my boyfriend (and yes her mom caught them like this - they weren't making out or anything but they were all cozied up in the bed just laying there, mind you her mom doesn't usually check on them like this, and her door IS lockable) - but if my mom caught me like that --- I WOULDNT BE TYPING THIS. She'd pull me out of public school, throw me in an all-girls school, and i shudder to think of what would happen to my boyfriend.
But, yeah that's pretty much it. And now I"m worried because, everyone's talking about it. She doesn't even realize how she's changed and what she's doing to herself. I want to wash my hands of her completely but we've been best friends for like 3 years and I can't! We've been through so much but, I think honestly that she would give me up for her boyfriend. It's not right - guys don't last, friends are supposed to be the most important thing right? (i mean, besides family and stuff).
I'm just worried. Please give me some advice quickly! And thanks.
<3
Jessie
Hi Jessie!
I see what you mean...I have a friend like that too. She has a boyfriend, and she slept with him after dating him for just a month. She seems to only think about guys, she never talks to me about anything else, and I feel like we are drifting apart and she considers herself 'more mature' and me 'ignorant' and a child. But she is acting very immaturely and irresponsibly!
I find that when girls get really attached to guys, especially guys who treat them like crap, it's because they dont' have much self esteem themselves. It is very hard to deal with people like that; I admire you for not giving up on your friend.
If you tell her anything about 'love', or how this isn't 'real', etc, she would just feel attacked and snap at you and tell you that 'what do you know, anyway'. she would close off herself even more.
However, if you do nothing she could end in a terrible situation. First, I was going to say that you should get an adult involved, but that could potentially close her off even more....I mean if it gets really serious, get an adult involved. If it gets (and I hope it doesn't) to the point where she is in great physical danger, you would have to get someone involved. But before that happens, I do think that there is something you might want to try...now I do not pretend to be an expert on this, and most likely other people can give much better advice.
But I feel like I can relate to your post and I just wanted to give you my perspective.
I think that she isn't really secure with herself, and needs someone else to tell her she's special, etc. unfortunately, she let a guy control her life, when she should control her own life. I think that you should let her know that you care about her very much, and that you wish her the best for herself. and really, she's with this boyfriend because he offers her something that nothing else did (perhaps her friends, like you, and her family did, but she might not have seen it or something...). Help her out by letting her know that she deserves better, and that she doesn't deserve a guy who treats her badly. mostly, if you are really commited to this, let her know somehow that other things in life could make her feel good about herself; but don't tell her that she just shouldn't have a boyfriend at all because she would see that as an attack. Let her know , somehow, that she deserves to have a better boyfriend. This doesn't have to be just telling her, although you might want to have an open conversation with her. Let her know that you really care about her, and you want her to be happy, but that she's doing something to herself which is bad for her in the long term. perhaps she feels unnoticed by her family, other people, so she turns to this boyfriend. At her age, people want to feel accepted: and they would go into dangerous situations just to feel like they are. I know that she could feel accepted in other ways, but she might have self esteem issues and think that this quite lousy bf is all that's she's worth. because he does sound like a bastard if he cheated on her, etc. If she felt accepted and happy with herself already, and most importantly accepted herself as she is, she wouldn't date a lousy guy but a good one. or she would not date at all! she's only 13! that's very young for serious relationships, or most dating in general unless it is 'friend like'. if she accepted herself, she wouldn't NEED anyone to make her feel special: she would only enjoy her bf's company and would drop him if he cheated on her, etc. I am just worried that in the future, she might end up in an abusive relationship, not to mention that this relationship is pretty dangerous already. if she felt good about herself, she wouldn't let him make out with her if she feels uncomfortable. it is up to you to decide what to do, or to tell someone, etc, but I'm just offering my view of WHY this may be happening.
I really hope a bit of this helps somehow, you are a really good friend for caring about her, and I hope you come to a solution. If this does turn very serious, know that you don't have to deal with it by yourself! then, seek help! and remember that you still have your own life, and even though it's great that you want to help out your friend, dont' forget yourself.
best of luck to you~
margarita
