Topic : Teen Dating

I am a 48 yr old mother of 2, ages 20 & 18.  I have had to engage the local youth outreach program through the local police dept to assist in a situation that appeared out of control.  Your sister is a minor. Her boyfriend is obviously over 18 if he's going to college. You may have to get a restraining order against her boyfriend. It seems like since she did want you to know some of the truth, she may herself not know how to handle this entire situation. She may actually on some level be grateful if you get some professional help.

Stick with your boundaries, and do what you say you are going to do. She has not shown herself mature enough to handle you giving her a little rope.  She has lied to you, you have no grounds to trust her. Tell her that -this is her "deal", not yours. You are simply responding to it as her sorta-parent. Also, don't be afraid to go check up on her. If she says she's going to the mall, go see if she's there. If she gets mad, again tell her it's her "deal". Her decisions have made it impossible for you to trust her. When she is honest with you, perhaps you will be able to trust her again.

Good luck and hang in there. YOU are doing the right thing, someday maybe your sister will even say "Thank you" (but don't hold your breath!)_.

I am seventeen years old and dating a wonderful guy from my highschool.  When we began dating at age fifteen, my mom forbade me from seeing him because she didn't like him because of his weight and his religion.  I tried to talk to my mom about it, but she wouldn't talk about it without yelling at me and saying I am just a child who doesn't know what she wants.  My boyfriend, however, talked to his mom about it and she met me and talked to me.  She told my boyfriend she thought I was nice and gave him permission to see me.  So, without my mother's knowledge, we began dating again.  While my mother didn't know about us, his mother always knew where we were and what we were doing.  We were both completely open with her, telling her about our first kiss and first dance and everything.  When I turned 16, my mom gave me the "privilage" of dating whomever I choose, thought she still openly disapproves of my boyfriend.  My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years, but she only knows of a little over one.  Because of her close-mindedness, I tell her very little about my boyfriend and I, whereas, his mother knows everything.  We have never had sex, but I know that if we were to consider it, we would both go to his mom, not mine. 

My point is, my mom will never really know me because she shut out my feelings and thoughts.  On the other hand, my boyfriend's mom has a very close relationship with him, and has the relationship with me that my mother doesn't, because she didn't treat us like little children with no intelligent thoughts.  If you want a good relationship with your children, have a relationship and not just a dictatorship.  Yes, as the parent you are in charge, but that doesn't mean your kids are always wrong.  A lot of what they know they learned from you.  They will respect your opinions and obey you if you respect their opinions.

hi I'm dar i have a thirteen year old who insists that she is old enogh to date. i told her that when she went to seventh grade she could, but since then she has dated to many boys tto count. A lot of the time i don't know their name i'm so convused.

           Resently she has been on and off with a boy named alan hes 14 and does almost anything to get into trouble. He smokes weed drinks and even tries to get her to have sex.

          Although she made the right choice to say no to sex she still tried the weed like most teeagers and now she drinks wehn she can get her hands on it.

               I have an achol cabnit and i have only one key that only i have but i'm still worried that this boy is getting in her head and making her a diffrent person.

               help i don't know what to do..............

Praise God my children are almost past their teens. One things I have learned about teens and dating is that they do think they know what they are getting themselves into. With my son I made a lot of mistakes and he paid for them because I was not consistent nor enforced the rules.  Parenting is not about children liking you, yet if you have an open relationship they will respect you. The problem is when we allow our children more contact with others than ourselves they will value what they are around the most.

As Dr. Phil has said be the best influence for your children. I learned that almost too late with  my son but in time with my daughter. There is 9 years between my daughter and her elder brother. Children need boundaries and when they have the right tools they will make the right choices.  My daughter was equipped to make the choice to not date because she saw what it lead to for other young ladies.  We did not make the choice for her, she came to it on her own.

We learned too late with our son when we allow him more contact with his peers then we do with us there is no relationship to build on.  How much time do you spend with your children? What I also learned was the time we spent together had to be interactive not passive. All too often we load ourselves down with so much activity that we lose relationships.  The art of relationship is lost to a generation and now society is paying the price.

We were very honest with our daughter about teen dating, how drinking impairs judgment.  She watch as some of her friends, died in car accidents, got pregnant and many other things and knew even though she chose what was not popular she was way ahead of her peers and will not suffer what they have.

Children will listen to facts about dating, drinking, drugs and other issues if they are connected with you in heart and mind.  The ability to reason with absolute truth and the consequences of bad behavior can be learned at an early age, without spanking.  I did not grow up with these tools or skills and had to learn them the hard way, on the job training.  I knew I did not have any direction in my teens, ended up pregnant and had an abortion. That ruined my life for a long time, so I knew I was not equipped to be a good parent and started searching for answers.

Believe me there are a lot of people out there with opinions and "experts" as well, so there is really no reason for not finding answers. After much searching I did find the Bible is really the best place for answers.  We have the promise of His Holy Spirit to teach us all things if we ask and believe He will.  It has changed my parenting skills.

Being young is difficult, I won't lie. The "dating" that you mention is a hard situation. It is exposing a temptation to someone young that feels invincible. Perhaps, instead of asking your mom if you can "date" then call it something different that she is comfortable with. Here is an example scenerio. You could ask your mom if you could invite your guy friend over to watch a movie with you in your living room. Don't call it a date and let your mom meet your friend. Then maybe ask if he can come over for dinner with your family. You can enjoy the company with your guy friend and your mother feels in control of the situation.

As for mistakes, everyone makes them, but everyone has consequences too. Your parents are acting within their discression to decide what you can and can't handle, and if you feel that you should be able to do something that your parents don't think you are ready for then show them that you can maturly handle similar and safe situations.

Growing up is a constant give and take...and the reason your mother can't promise you that you can date at a certain age is that you can't promise her who you will be in 2 or 3 years either. All you can do is show her that you can handle your life in mature ways within her bounds. The more mature you are and the more you include your family in your life the more willing she will be to see you as someone deserving of responsibility.

When I was a teenager my boyfriends parents were always around. We were in the band and they were at every competition. We had lots of friends and when we looked for places to hang out they would always offer to order pizza at their house. When we got a little bit older they bought a used pool table and always had cold drinks. Even better, they were usually around. They always suggested things for us to do (one of them would offer to drive us to the video store to rent a video, or they would offer to take us all to the lake etc) When I was a kid I just thought they were "cool"....but as I got older I realised that they were enticing us to include them in what we did. I'm 28 now and I and their son have gone our seperate ways, but whenever I visit my parents, I visit his too. I'm thankful that they had the insight to do that.

That was a stark contrast to my parents. My parents believed that their home should always be a place of calm and serenity. Friends shouldn't be invited over. You could NEVER have a mess. And conversations about life never happened. We ate dinner together, but we never brought up any topics that were difficult to talk about. To this day I don't tell my parents who I'm dating or what we do unless it's pertinant. My brother and I always joke that the first time our parents meet our wives/husbands is probably going to be our wedding day.

Point is....it's a fine line to walk, but make your daughter and her friends feel safe and welcomed in your home.  Tell her things that you like about the guys she chooses. (Like - tell her that you thought he was very nice and polite...or that your really impressed that he gets good grades...or that he's got great tastes in movies) that will make her want your approval and it will also make her feel ok about coming to you talking about what she likes as well. As for not smothering her...open a conversation with something easy for her to answer (like - what's her boyfriend's favorite subject or something else that is rather impertinant) and let her take the lead. Girls talk and if you just give her the opportunity then she will talk to you. And let her decide when the conversation is over too. Tell her about your boyfriends. Tell her the things that you like and admire in her father/ your husband. Just don't tell her all at once.

You do, however, need to have certain information from her...like...what his phone number is, what his parent's number is. Where they are going, who else will be there etc. She'll hate that....but...she's less likely to get in trouble if she feels like everyone is checking up on her.

There is, also, NO WAY she can date without you telling her your views on boundries. If you avoid this conversation then guaranteed she won't know what is right or wrong.

The best way to open the door for safe dating.....your daughter is 15 so she can't drive. Offer to drive them. You'll get to overhear what they are doing, what they are talking about and you'll know where everyone lives.

Good luck to you and your daughter.