Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

October 23, 2006, 9:47 am PDT

Teen Dating

Quote From: dcarrhn

I can see where you going with what you are saying to me. I am not too restrictive and she only keeps a secret the boys she is attracted to that are "players" While writing my situation I was nervouse and wanted to get across the things that I am are afraid of. We have dicussed boys that she likes that I like but she never developes a friendship or relationship with them she just makes comments like I have had a crush on him since 2nd grade and thats it. Or she talks to a guy in her class that likes her and they just keep there friendship at school ..Well the bad boys she secretly sees at the movies or use to sneak out of the house with her friends. We are getting some progress but things just don't add up sometimes. Thank you for you imput

Well I want to make it clear that what I say are possibilities not facts and that I reasoned from what her perspective might be this doesn't necceseraly have to mean that her perspective is in line with reality. I'm sorry for the miscommunication.

This new info is relevant however because it might be that she doesn't have the courage to ask one of those guys she has a crush on if he want to go out with her, that might be that she dates "beneath" her standards. Again this doesn't have to be but it is my view on it.

Oet Gäöl

Read Replies to this Message

edcm03

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

October 25, 2006, 6:45 am PDT

help! advice needed badly please!

I've been dealing with this for a few months now. My daughter is 14, a beautiful cheerleader who is very nice to everyone. She is young, vulnerable and wanting to be liked - just like everyone this age. The problem is that she really likes this guy who is totally a gangsta (so he calls himself). He is black which is no issue, we are white. What I don't like is that he has a myspace where he cusses continuously and says 'bitches and hoes' and says many things that I don't respect. I told my daughter that I don't care what color someone is, I don't like the gangster type and the talk of disrespect! He has pictures of him and his friends holding guns. He calls her everyday and says he loves her. He tells her everything she wants to hear and probably a few other girls. I think that she thinks he is 'cool'. They are not going out and she knows how I feel. She acts like its a compliment for him to like her. She has nice, quiet, well spoken guys who like her but she is not giving them a chance. At first, I told her NO that she cannot talk to this ganster guy, then she started to hide it from me. One day I was in tears and told her that she is beautiful and anyone would love her if she lets them! I told her that I would have to trust her to make good decisions and I would let her make her own choices. He faded away for a couple weeks, then he calls her. If that is the decision she wants to make, I want her to wait until she is older and has met other guys. She is only 14 so I am not rushing her by any means.....she has not had a boyfriend yet. If she was 18 and made this decision, then so be it I guess. She is a very good kid, she doesn't get into trouble. She has myspace and a cell phone, I've thought about taking one of those away. How do I get through to her??? I think all I can do is keep trying to instill good values and continue to talk to her about her decisions. She also has to think about her reputation, its a cruel world for teens these days. THank you for any opinions! I need help!

Read Replies to this Message

princekei

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

October 26, 2006, 1:13 pm PDT

Teen Dating

Quote From: edcm03

I've been dealing with this for a few months now. My daughter is 14, a beautiful cheerleader who is very nice to everyone. She is young, vulnerable and wanting to be liked - just like everyone this age. The problem is that she really likes this guy who is totally a gangsta (so he calls himself). He is black which is no issue, we are white. What I don't like is that he has a myspace where he cusses continuously and says 'bitches and hoes' and says many things that I don't respect. I told my daughter that I don't care what color someone is, I don't like the gangster type and the talk of disrespect! He has pictures of him and his friends holding guns. He calls her everyday and says he loves her. He tells her everything she wants to hear and probably a few other girls. I think that she thinks he is 'cool'. They are not going out and she knows how I feel. She acts like its a compliment for him to like her. She has nice, quiet, well spoken guys who like her but she is not giving them a chance. At first, I told her NO that she cannot talk to this ganster guy, then she started to hide it from me. One day I was in tears and told her that she is beautiful and anyone would love her if she lets them! I told her that I would have to trust her to make good decisions and I would let her make her own choices. He faded away for a couple weeks, then he calls her. If that is the decision she wants to make, I want her to wait until she is older and has met other guys. She is only 14 so I am not rushing her by any means.....she has not had a boyfriend yet. If she was 18 and made this decision, then so be it I guess. She is a very good kid, she doesn't get into trouble. She has myspace and a cell phone, I've thought about taking one of those away. How do I get through to her??? I think all I can do is keep trying to instill good values and continue to talk to her about her decisions. She also has to think about her reputation, its a cruel world for teens these days. THank you for any opinions! I need help!

How old is this wannabe gangster?
I'm going to guess around the same age as your daughter because you didn't say anything about his age.
I doubt if he was truly "gangsta" he would be posting stupid pictures of his friends and himself posing with guns in a pathetic attempt to look cool.
Although his myspace rubs you the wrong way, maybe you should get to know him better since apparently they mean so much to one another. Get involved. Then go ahead and decide whether your daughter should keep in contact with him.

Read Replies to this Message

dlf75644

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
anxious

October 27, 2006, 9:13 am PDT

teen sex

Well this is my first time to EVER post a message much less ask for advice. I am a mother of 3 girls..ages 21, 16 and 15. My eldest does not live at home the other two do. I am blessed in thefact the my girls are "good" kids...I consider myself a strict but involved parent. We are Chrisitans and I beleived that my kids would remain virgins until marriage. My 16yr old always had issues of being judgemental about other kids who smoke, drink, do drugs, have sex etc. Although I am completley against her being judgemental I have felt by our conversations and her tears of concern for her friends that she would not do certain things..sadly I was wrong. I found out two days ago that she has had sex with her 17 yr old boyfriend. I was devastated partly by her lies but also she thought she was preganant. Thankfully 2 preganancy tests came back negative and she started this morning. ...but I told my husband..her step-dad about what had happened. He was more upset than I was but he is mad at me for allowing her to date (she could at the age of 16). I gave her a 10:30 curfew..no dates on school nights and his mother as well as myself checked up on them. I don't feel I could have done anymore!! My husband has forbidden her to see this boy again..my feeling is whether it is this boy or another once a person has had sex it increases the possibilty of it again. She is grounded but I just need advice on where to go from here. She is not rebellious, gets good grades, only goes out once..perhaps twice a week (but obviously that doesn't matter), works a part-time job caring for an elderly person etc....Am I to disregard all of the good?? I am concerned if I try and just keep her "locked up" she will rebel...does anyone have advice?????????

Read Replies to this Message

poetmom

User Mood
Cheerful

Message Emote

October 27, 2006, 12:13 pm PDT

Teen Dating

Quote From: margaritta

another general point is, that restricting a teenager from doing something may be necessary, but it might cause them to rebel even more. before you restrict a teen, I think that the psychological aspects should be dealt with so that they would REACT to the restriction accordingly. or it would just get worse. perhaps a compromise is good too, if it is possible. in some cases, even a compromise is too dangerous.

i'm obviously not an expert on this at all, but this is just something I've noticed with people I know and thought I'd share it.

Very good advice! As I've said before, my children have grown up knowing that, in our family, group dating doesn't start till you are at least 15, and one on one dating isn't going to happen until you're at least 16. It's not like they hit 12 or 13, ask to date and THEN get told "Not until you're 16!" :)

Read Replies to this Message

jaimie1974

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

October 27, 2006, 4:36 pm PDT

teens and sex

Quote From: dlf75644

Well this is my first time to EVER post a message much less ask for advice. I am a mother of 3 girls..ages 21, 16 and 15. My eldest does not live at home the other two do. I am blessed in thefact the my girls are "good" kids...I consider myself a strict but involved parent. We are Chrisitans and I beleived that my kids would remain virgins until marriage. My 16yr old always had issues of being judgemental about other kids who smoke, drink, do drugs, have sex etc. Although I am completley against her being judgemental I have felt by our conversations and her tears of concern for her friends that she would not do certain things..sadly I was wrong. I found out two days ago that she has had sex with her 17 yr old boyfriend. I was devastated partly by her lies but also she thought she was preganant. Thankfully 2 preganancy tests came back negative and she started this morning. ...but I told my husband..her step-dad about what had happened. He was more upset than I was but he is mad at me for allowing her to date (she could at the age of 16). I gave her a 10:30 curfew..no dates on school nights and his mother as well as myself checked up on them. I don't feel I could have done anymore!! My husband has forbidden her to see this boy again..my feeling is whether it is this boy or another once a person has had sex it increases the possibilty of it again. She is grounded but I just need advice on where to go from here. She is not rebellious, gets good grades, only goes out once..perhaps twice a week (but obviously that doesn't matter), works a part-time job caring for an elderly person etc....Am I to disregard all of the good?? I am concerned if I try and just keep her "locked up" she will rebel...does anyone have advice?????????

Just because your daughter had sex once with her boyfriend does not mean she will continue to have sex, or that she should continue to have sex. I think that grounding her is a harsh punishment; doesn’t she already feel bad enough for using poor judgement? If you are too harsh with her, you could give her life-long feelings of shame attached to sex. Instead, you need to be more open with her and encourage her to talk to you about sex, etc, because if she felt more comfortable talking to you about it, then she would have come to you asking for help getting birth control before she had sex. My opinion is that instead of grounding her and forbidding a relationship with this boy you should only allow her to see him if you are there or another adult that you trust 100% is there.

Read Replies to this Message

dlf75644

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

October 28, 2006, 6:21 am PDT

thank you....

Quote From: jaimie1974

Just because your daughter had sex once with her boyfriend does not mean she will continue to have sex, or that she should continue to have sex. I think that grounding her is a harsh punishment; doesnt she already feel bad enough for using poor judgement? If you are too harsh with her, you could give her life-long feelings of shame attached to sex. Instead, you need to be more open with her and encourage her to talk to you about sex, etc, because if she felt more comfortable talking to you about it, then she would have come to you asking for help getting birth control before she had sex. My opinion is that instead of grounding her and forbidding a relationship with this boy you should only allow her to see him if you are there or another adult that you trust 100% is there.

Last night I spoke to her again and I agree she does feel extrememly bad and shameful. And although I thought we had a very open relationship..I had previously spoken to her about birth control and we have had numerous conversations about sex, sexual feelings etc...she says she felt that if she had told me that she needed/wanted it I would have been upset..I believe she is correct...They had sex twice and used protection but I guess what is so hard and hurt so bad is that I was open, I did talk to her, I had all the conversations and always felt that no matter what she would and could come to me. Now that I have resolved myself to o.k. this has happened and lets move on her step-dad is throwing a fit...She does not have a relationship with her biological dad..My husband has been in her life for 10 yrs. aand he feels that I should take her t.v., stereo AND make her stay in her room for 3 weeks!!!!! Of course there is no way I will do that but it seems the whole situation keeps getting bigger: ( My husband is concerned that the youngest will see that there was not severe enough consequences and she will feel that there is not a "reason" not to do it....I completely disagree.

Read Replies to this Message

jaimie1974

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

October 28, 2006, 3:46 pm PDT

different views

Quote From: dlf75644

Last night I spoke to her again and I agree she does feel extrememly bad and shameful. And although I thought we had a very open relationship..I had previously spoken to her about birth control and we have had numerous conversations about sex, sexual feelings etc...she says she felt that if she had told me that she needed/wanted it I would have been upset..I believe she is correct...They had sex twice and used protection but I guess what is so hard and hurt so bad is that I was open, I did talk to her, I had all the conversations and always felt that no matter what she would and could come to me. Now that I have resolved myself to o.k. this has happened and lets move on her step-dad is throwing a fit...She does not have a relationship with her biological dad..My husband has been in her life for 10 yrs. aand he feels that I should take her t.v., stereo AND make her stay in her room for 3 weeks!!!!! Of course there is no way I will do that but it seems the whole situation keeps getting bigger: ( My husband is concerned that the youngest will see that there was not severe enough consequences and she will feel that there is not a "reason" not to do it....I completely disagree.

Your youngest isn’t going to see that the punishment is minimal and say, “oh I’m gonna do that!!” It sounds like your husband is severely underestimating your youngest child’s intelligence! Now that this is out in the open, and you believe that your daughter’s feelings of regret, shame and remorse and genuine, it is a good learning experience for your youngest daughter, also. She won’t learn to do what your middle child did; she will learn NOT to do it- that it causes feelings of shame and guilt. You don’t have to over-punish to get the point across that you are disappointed. Continue to talk about sex, don’t ever stop- even when you believe that you are being heard and they are listening. Your kids need to know 100% that they can come to you; if you give a severe punishment like your husband wants to, you will drive them away and make their feelings regarding sex be shame and guilt instead of anything good. That isn’t what you want to do. Although you stand alone, without the support of your husband, you are doing the right thing.

Read Replies to this Message

oet_gaol

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

October 28, 2006, 5:20 pm PDT

Teen Dating

Quote From: jaimie1974

Your youngest isnt going to see that the punishment is minimal and say, oh Im gonna do that!! It sounds like your husband is severely underestimating your youngest childs intelligence! Now that this is out in the open, and you believe that your daughters feelings of regret, shame and remorse and genuine, it is a good learning experience for your youngest daughter, also. She wont learn to do what your middle child did; she will learn NOT to do it- that it causes feelings of shame and guilt. You dont have to over-punish to get the point across that you are disappointed. Continue to talk about sex, dont ever stop- even when you believe that you are being heard and they are listening. Your kids need to know 100% that they can come to you; if you give a severe punishment like your husband wants to, you will drive them away and make their feelings regarding sex be shame and guilt instead of anything good. That isnt what you want to do. Although you stand alone, without the support of your husband, you are doing the right thing.

I agree, if you punish her very hard you can scar her and even when she is married she might feel guilty about sex. Or you could drive her away from you so that she stops talking to you about other things aswell.

And if you punnish your 16 year old it will become more attractive to your 15 year old daughter, because it is the hottest topic among friends at that age (both for boys and girls) when you make it forbidden you could make it in effect the forbidden fruit. Teens know/believe everybody is having sex so it must be pleasureable. Plus the danger exists that she will have sex just to get back at you for being really (and then I say reaaaaaaaaalllllllyyyyy) mad at something

Punishing something that is that natural and so deep imbedded into the human psyche will only have negative effects at best.

Read Replies to this Message

princekei

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

October 28, 2006, 6:20 pm PDT

Teen Dating

Quote From: dlf75644

Well this is my first time to EVER post a message much less ask for advice. I am a mother of 3 girls..ages 21, 16 and 15. My eldest does not live at home the other two do. I am blessed in thefact the my girls are "good" kids...I consider myself a strict but involved parent. We are Chrisitans and I beleived that my kids would remain virgins until marriage. My 16yr old always had issues of being judgemental about other kids who smoke, drink, do drugs, have sex etc. Although I am completley against her being judgemental I have felt by our conversations and her tears of concern for her friends that she would not do certain things..sadly I was wrong. I found out two days ago that she has had sex with her 17 yr old boyfriend. I was devastated partly by her lies but also she thought she was preganant. Thankfully 2 preganancy tests came back negative and she started this morning. ...but I told my husband..her step-dad about what had happened. He was more upset than I was but he is mad at me for allowing her to date (she could at the age of 16). I gave her a 10:30 curfew..no dates on school nights and his mother as well as myself checked up on them. I don't feel I could have done anymore!! My husband has forbidden her to see this boy again..my feeling is whether it is this boy or another once a person has had sex it increases the possibilty of it again. She is grounded but I just need advice on where to go from here. She is not rebellious, gets good grades, only goes out once..perhaps twice a week (but obviously that doesn't matter), works a part-time job caring for an elderly person etc....Am I to disregard all of the good?? I am concerned if I try and just keep her "locked up" she will rebel...does anyone have advice?????????

I feel that you should talk to her about her own value system, and goals.
She may be 16, but she is more than just your child.
That's not to say breaking the rules is acceptable, but she is a person with her OWN goals, expectations, value system, etc that might be different from your own.
She sounds like a GREAT kid, and it sounds like you have instilled good values in her.
You did all that a loving parent could do, but you have to remember she's growing up and you can't always protect her from her own decisions.
You do need to ensure a punishment and keep with it so maybe next time she will think with her head instead of her heart.
But she generally sounds like she's a good kid, so don't worry as much.
After talking to her about what's important to her, you should know where to go from there.

Read Replies to this Message

Message Boards

Topic : Teen Dating

Teen Dating

help! advice needed badly please!

Teen Dating

teen sex

Teen Dating

teens and sex

thank you....

different views

Teen Dating

Teen Dating