Topic : Teen Dating

It is nice you want to protect your children but this is not the way to do it and I'll explain to you why:

First off you make a logical error; you assume that they will be only friends until you allow them to fall in love or that they will fall in love for themselves or whatever. Therefore you assume that you can control love and all the emotions that go with it and well love "just" happens.

At around age 8 a "map" is done forming in our brain describing the perfect mate which we will then apply to all potential mates. If someone matches you will get a physical response in the body, hormones, serotonins and endorphins (could be wrong on the latter two but it was something like that at least) are pumped into the bloodstream or fired between nerve cells and this induces a feeling we know as love.

And yes friends sometimes do become lovers sometimes but you also have the so called love at first sight.

then you say you want to keep them from broken hearts and damaged emotions, but you are setting them up for it actually let me explain why. Humans are, just as many other higher mammals, creatures that need to learn much of their behaviour. And well when it comes to dealing with emotions, we need to learn big-time.

When a 12 year old breaks up it isn't fun for them they are in fact heart broken but this is a preparation for new relationships. Because the relationship a twelve year old has isn't as deep as a 13 year old which isn't as deep as a 15 year old which in turn is less deep then a 20 year old simply because the view of the world is simpler. This in turn means that there view on love is simpler which means they can cope with there feelings easier because the relation doesn't go as deep.

Same thing is that a child learns to cope with death by loss of a pet first then secondary family (uncle, grandparents) and last with close family (parents, siblings, loved one) (in most cases) this helps him build coping strategies for dealing with death which helps them better when a deeper emotional attachment is felt for a person.

Also mature thought processes can only develop if stimulated. I read just yesterday about an experiment in which a primate was kept in isolation until adulthood and only then introduced into his species. his attempts at mating where clumsy at best. point being the primate will only learn certain things when seeing and doing it himself. For humans this goes as well (and not only when it comes to mating of course.)

Then dating will almost never result in unwanted pregnancies or STD's a far more serious danger is the pressure of waiting until marriage and the lack of education and availability of contraceptives that comes with it. Why else is it that in liberal countries like the Netherlands, France or Germany where there is an open discussion about sex, STD's and teen pregnancies rates are way lower then in the U.S.A. (see other recent post of mine, think in the teen and sex section.)

Also what is unrealistic is the thought that you actually can control your teens this much, you don't know where they are 24/7 they are in school but do you know their roster? Even if you ask them what says they wont lie on an extra hour? or when they go to a friends house I can tell you any friend will cover his or her story if asked.

I've heard it countless times; teens that couldn't go out went to sleep at a friend which had more relaxed rules so they could party all night long.

Then you say children aren't mature enough to make those decisions and I agree but they are not children they are adolescents and therefore they can have more decisions. A twelve year old can decide about his medical treatment here and a 15 year old has the right to say if he/she wants to have sex with an adult and medical files of a 16 year old may not be disclosed to parents anymore (Dutch laws) so a twelve year old may decide over his death but not over dating someone (at age twelve relationships are on/off all the time)

Relationship progression: young children often have self exploring experiences (touching genitals etc.) in which they are just curious of their body or want to have that nice feeling they discovered by accident. (Research suggests that half the five year olds has had an orgasm) but again this is not sexual behaviour.

at age 11 children start to become more interested in relationships, anything sexual will be remarked by them and giggled at quite extensively, but they don't know the meaning of any of the words just yet. Relationships at this age are so called traffic light relationships. Kissing is just a peck on the mouth, the very idea of French kissing or sex is absolutely disgusting. Masturbation begins also at this age (at least for boys girls are less likely to masturbate)

Then age 13 kissing starts to become more real, and French kissing starts around this age. Relationships tend to last a few months.

at age sixteen many teens come out for their true nature (e.g. when they are homosexual) years of doubt, confusion (and shame) is resolved (at least in a best case scenario)

at age 17-18 most people lose their verginity but a bit earlier isn't unheard of.

Then there is a traditional value of wating untill marriage (you don't name that though but I'll tackle it anyway) before having sex but this stems from a time that marriage was soon after reaching puberty and nowadays marriage is reached in the late twenties/early thirties for couples. so the value is well a tad bit outdated.

Last, I find it offensive that you say that young people shouldn't be left in a dark room alone, you don't respect adolecents that way. I myself only 20 (but proclaiming scientific views and/or social norms in the Netherlands) They can be responsible aswell it's all about good parenting. I mean I have slept many times in the same room with girls my age without anything happening, even though I share a great emotional bond (friendship though) with them. Youngsters do take resposibility if they are trusted and brought up right.

So I know this is a large post but I think it says everything and why I think you could be making a large mistake.

Kind regards,

Oet Gäöl

What is the difference between courting and dating? Your post explains that “courting” will be your children seeing just one person, and they will only be with that person in the presence of others, and they will stay together forever; thus sparing them heartbreak? I understand your motives, but I do not believe that this will spare them the ‘heartbreak.’

Breaking up doesn’t have to be heartbreak. My oldest daughter is very close friends with her first ‘love,’ they both know that they were young and the time they spent together was really as close friends. They broke up but there was no heartbreak. We always had him come to the house, we created an atmosphere where my daughter could bring any friends over at anytime, that way we knew the people that she was hanging out with, and any boy who she was interested in would have to ‘deal’ with the younger siblings bugging them, spying on them, etc. Her first ‘love’ was great because he fit in perfect and I have to admit that I was disappointed that they decided they were more friends than romantic interests. Anyway, my point is that they considered themselves to be ‘dating,’ but they always did stuff here at our home and he blended in with the family.

My daughter has gone out on dates with a few boys, gone to concerts, etc., but she doesn’t have one boyfriend at this time. She is picky, she compares any young man that she dates to her first ‘love,’ and to me, that is a good thing. Different strokes for different folks?

I agree that we all live and learn. I don’t agree that the only two black-or-white choices when getting into a relationship is that you will either break up (negative) or get married (positive.) My daughter has dated a young man for 9 months, after nine months, they both agreed that they were good friends and not romantic interests. They still hang out together, he comes over to hang out with groups of her friends, they didn’t have an emotional, negative break up. I encourage my daughter to go on dates with people with groups of friends, that reduces the pressures. She knows at this time that any boy who pressures her to do anything isn’t a boy she wants to date again. She went from a middle school girl who thought you needed a boyfriend, to a young woman who is confident enough to tell a boy that she would love to go on dates with him but not go ‘steady’ until she knows him better. Dating isn’t preparation for marriage in her eyes or my eyes; at this time in her life, it is just life experience. As you said, you live and learn from your mistakes AND from your positive choices, too. That is what she is doing at this time in her life.

I'm a Single Mother of a almost a 13 year old daughter.  She is going into the 8th grade in the fall and will be turning 13 in three weeks.  My daughter shared with me that a boy in the 8th grade had a crush on her. I started sharing with her that it's not bad to have a crush on someone, however dating is out of the question.  Well I received a phone call from a neighbor and informed me that my daughter and this boy were an "Item".  I was shocked and therefore confronted my daughter in a calm way and asked her if this story was true.  She looked at me and said "No it's not I swear".  I let it go until another, I then received another phone call this time stating that they had "Kissed". I asked her again and then she started to cry and confessed that she had lied to me this whole time.

I was so upset, that I could not even react. I am in desperate need of advise and help. 

I've written countless posts on this subject in both this and teens and sex I suggest you check em they have an outline on teens and sexuality.

but for your problem: It is not uncommen for 13 year olds to kiss and date. If you raised her right then she won't go any further then that simply because she isn't ready yet. And my advice is that you should let them date it is the perfect learning school for her for any future relationships and if this one sticks (which I doubt) that is good as well.

The problem with forbidding your child to date is that well first you deprave them of life experience, which makes them less able to handle intimate relationships in the future (you can't ride a bicycle without practice)

Then her thinking procces could be harmed, she could start thinking that dating is bad or evil or something. This is called automatic negative thoughts and well they aren't good.

And last you set her up to rebel against you. You see, if you restrict a child very much she will try to break free, if she isn't able she'll try harder and then your up for some "fun" times the next few years.

Now I can imagine that you are upset she lied to you but look at it this way: If she did say she wouldn't be allowed to date so she HAD to sneek around to be able to see him. You set her up to do it by being so restrictive.

I know it might be frightning to let her go but at some point you will have to. But it might be better if you keep an open relationship so that you can keep an eye on her then that she must feel the need to sneek around (with good reason.)

In other posts I have as I said explained it in more detail and in a line. You must know I'm from the Netherlands and morals by parrent's aren't so strict here and that has resulted in low teen pregnancy rates (way lower then the US for instance) easier relationships and more open communication between parrents and their children about sexuality.

It is normal her for boys and girls to socialize together and relationships are often directly or indirectly stimulated by parrents and that helps teens in learning to deal with the other sex and therefor also respect the other sex.

Guess what?  my daughter has had the same boyfriend for 2 1/2 years.  We've been chaperoning them right along.  Almost all of their dates have been spent doing homework, participating in school athletic practices and competitions, or at large family gatherings, or volunteering together.  A handful of times they got to go to a movie together, after we knew we could trust them.  But mostly they hung out at our home or his, with a parent home.  Now they've broken up and we have front row seats to as gut wrenching a heartbreak as any teen love can produce.  I don't regret the way we handled their relationship, but you really aren't protecting them from the possibility of heartbreak.  If your parents had broken up, they probably would have been heartbroken too.  Sorry.

ps.  I've got a post on the general advice for parenting teens message board asking advice relating to this breakup.  Can somebody help me with that?

I have a question for anyone who could give advise.

I am a 46 mother of 3 grown daughters. Two still in college and one married with a child. I have always been very interested in their lives and the young men that they have dated. We are all very close.

I recently married for a second time and now have a 15 year old stepdaughter who I see every other weekend. Her mother is raising her completly different from what I did and the choices she allows my stepdaughter to make concerns me. She has been allowed to go to boys house since she was 13 and we found out recently she was allowed to take her "boyfriend" on vacation with her.

Am I old fashion or is this crazy??

I think dating one on one will happen in due time. My daughters did not date until they were 16.  They did go with groups of boys and girls but I did not think it was a healthy choice for them to date until they were mature enough to handle it.

Any thoughts on this subject??

When raised responsible then it they are old enough to date at age 13. about the vacation dunno depends on the daughter. About them maybe having sex, guess your worried about that otherwise you wouldn't be on this site, well what happens happens as long as she does it safe. (15 isn't abnormal)

Morals I adhere to are the "Dutch" standard that is way more lose but has as an effect way less children of teen moms.

See older posts of mine for more detailed info on this subject...