Topic : Teens and Sex

Hi, 

Love Dr Phil & love these message boards.  Firstly thank you to everyone who contributes.  I will be a regular visitor for lots of sound advice. 

My question is how to handle my 15 1/2 y/o daughter discovering her sexuality.  I'm lucky, she's been fairly immature up to this point but I am now seeing small changes that tell me she has discovered her sexuality and that boys like her body.  She is a voluptious girl and very beautiful, with lots of self esteem & confidence.  However, when it comes to boys, she appears to be grabbing at the attention she has recently been getting. 

Last year I found lurid sms messages she had sent to a boy from her mobile.  We chatted about it and the risk that (a) everyone had access to the message & (b) the perception of herself she was sending out.  She seemed to take this on board but now of course, she is not saving her sent messages.  She recently got a new phone & not really knowing how to set it up, has neglected to delete her sent mms'.  It is a camera phone and I have found 4 or 5 photos she has taken of herself in suggestive poses (all clothes on, just sexy looks, etc) and sent to boys she recently met on school camp. 

My dilemma is...  Do I tell her I have found the messages and simply alert her to me being able to see them or, how do I discuss this with her without alterting her to me being able to see the messages. 

When we bought the phone, it was agreed that both her father & I could and would look at her messages and that she shouldn't consider it a privacy issue.  We do the same thing on the internet, etc.  However, all that seems to have done is encourage her to hide what she is doing.  We talk about most things and I don't believe she has done anything yet...  But I remember what it's like to be 15 and suddenly finding yourself the centre of attention of the boys. 

I'd love to hear from other teenagers on this and anyone else who has the time.  Thanks. 

 
Hi there,

I just wanted to answer you and say that I'm Swedish too. Teenage drinking is a big problem here, I've been active in the Youth Sober Network (Ungdomens Nykterhets Förbund) and I think that their work is real good. If anyone knows Swedish, you can look at www.unf.se.

Try to see if you can find a UNF or IOGT-NTO house near your town. It's usually lots of fun going there. I'm still a member (anyone in Sweden between 12 and 25 can be a member and I'm 17). To be a part of something like this can keep teens from drinking. I think it's important for parents to know if there are similiar organisations in their country.

Cheers,
Sanna-Terocia.

hello well as a teen i think that you should  let her tell her side  of the storry and tell your some of the stuff you went trow and tell her that you have to love your self befor you love any one.

 
Look, here's my point of view. I don't think this man is the best one for your girl, but what I think you need to look at is: "Why is she attention starved and what can I do to help her?" You have to be the parent here, you wont loose her if you stop the relationship, but I do think you have to be careful. You see, she doesn't really know what's going on and I bet she's very confused. Make sure that she knows she can come talk with you about it, that you'll be there to help her without judging her. You can say "I don't like this guy and this is why, this is what I know about this kind of guys, so if you want to meet him, you can do it here, while I am around." She's not stupid, I think she sees these things herself but chooses to be blind for them. I bet you anything all the shit that he's told her really contradicts itself, so when you spot things like that, point them out to her.

Sure she's going to be pissed at you, sure she's going to have temper tantrums, sure she'll say she hates you at times, but you HAVE to be the parent here, until she's of age.

Let me tell you a quick story. When I was 14, I began dating an 18-year-old over the internet. We had a terrible relationship for close to two years. We didn't meet, which was the odd part. I remember my mother calling him up and doing a "check" to see who he was and what he wanted. I think that what both worried her and relieved her was that he's in a wheelchair, so he couldn't show up and rape me, but at the same time, if I chose to live with him in the future, I'd have to take care of him and she didn't want that for me. I still felt safe, though annoyed, that she did that check up. It's okay to sit down with the guy your daughter dates and say "now we're going to talk about why you date my daughter and what rules I have for dating".

Hope that helped,
Sanna-Terocia.

Yes there are a lot of deadbeat guys out there, I understand that. But not ALL guys want sex from girls just because they are young. Some guys actually have a heart and thats what this mother needs to find out.  

I am 20 now and my boyfriend is 31. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 28. Yea My dad thought all He wanted from me was sex, but i knew otherwise. This was something special and it definetly has turned out to be. Yes there are a lot of nasty guys out there, trust me I have been sexually assaulted twice and raped twice at a very young age. But as someone said, that mother needs to talk to this man, and allow him to hang around for awhile and she has to set the bounderies. Scope the situation out. But just because someone smokes a lil pot or is older, doesn't mean they are  deadbeat pedophiles.  

Just be aware, be communicative and don't just jump to conclusions. 

I am a happy 17 year old mom....i ahve a 8 month old baby i was pregnant at 15 had her at 16 i was scared at first but now i am very happy. It was hard but i dealt with it. I believe if you are old enough to get pregnat then be responsible and raise your kid. I dont believe in abortion (except for special circumstances) and i dont believe if you know what your doing and have sex then you shouldnt give your baby up for adoption. Anyways i just wanted to write this and show some of the "opionated" people out there that there are responsible teenagers.

 first off im 16.  and to parents...please dont thing those jelly bracelets are sex bracelets!  half the kids who wear them have no clue what they mean.  this is another one of those cases that has gotten blown out of proportion by different organizations, local news and other media.  it probably started with a group of kids as a joke and has all of a sudden been turned into something else.  and as soon ass law and order had an episode on it parents freaked.  yes im sure there are people who will go out and wear them because of that but as long as your daughter doesnt then you have nothing to worry about.  anyone remember maddona wearing these?  granted she isnt he best example but no one called them sex bracelets when she wore them.

if you want to find out what the colors mean do a google search, im sure you will find a color guide somewhere.

I'm the Mother of three kids two step daughter age 15  son age 13 and one foster son age 12.  I have a problem with my husband constituently setting boundaries between the boys and the girl. I have always been very clear with my daughter concerning sexual activity. 

  

 Not allowing her to have male friends in her bedroom for obvious reasons.  While she has occasionally had male friends over in the common areas of my home. Last evening my 13 year old son brought a so "female friend " home with him escorting her to his bedroom. My husband ALLOWED THEM IN HIS BEDROOM  AS LONG AS THE DOOR WAS OPEN.?  

  

 As soon as I laid eyes on this female I knew she was more then a friend!!!!!!!! The way she looked at me STOOD THE HAIR UP ON MY NECK !!!!!!!! I told my husband he was out of line to allow this person to be in my sons bedroom. He said oh she's just a friend!!! 

  

My 15 year old daughter and my 12 year old son informed me that my 13 year old son and this girl had been making out and experimenting sexually. My husband and I had a conversation concerning the sexual misconduct. As you can imagine I was very irritated at the situation. When it was time for the girl to go home, my son asked to walk her home. Apparently she lives just down the street? Well 30 minutes later my husband went after him in the car and supposedly had a conversation concerning sexual boundaries.  

  

After dinner my 13 year old son became very up-set when I told him he was to stay home instead of going to out in the rain to play hackey sack, he replied "thats what rain coats are for" He then asked if he could go inside of a "friends" house. I said no, I think you have alternative motives here and I think you understand what I'm talking about. He became very up set at this point, it was clear to me that he was going to head this girls house, were her parents don't appear to care what she's up to or have no boundaries for her?   

  

My husband was going to drive him to the so called "friends house" saying to me "I think your going a little overboard here you need to talk to Dr Phil. I replied "well maybe you should pay the child support when he gets her knocked up, I'm not going to visit him in the jail for teens when she cries rape" My son got really up set saying to me "shut up" I stormed down the stairs into the garage were he was saying " what did you say"?  

  

He said I told you to "shut up" I said who do you think you are young man? He said I don't know what your so up set about she's just my friend?  

  

I said if you have something to say to me, say it to my face, ya right shes just your friend?  

  

At this point my daughter and I headed to the store, I needed to get out of the house before I rung his neck for being so disrespectful to me. On the way to the store my daughter asked "why can he have girls up in his room "? He told me about the "stuff " they are doing together and Dad is closing his eyes to it?  

  

I think that's unfair I know the standards you have set for me and he should have to follow the same rules. While you were up stairs I got a phone call from a boy I like in school, I told Dad he was my boyfriend. He told me you don't have boyfriends at fifteen? Yet after I told you that my brother is messing around with this girl Dad still lets him be alone with her?  

  

As you can imagine I was listening with great intensity, I told her If their is one thing I wont you to understand that is I WONT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE DOUBLE STANDARD YOUR DAD IS IMPLEMENTING!!!!! I have always applied the same rules across the board with you kids. You kids may thing I'm a b---tch at times but it least I'm consistent when it comes to rules and discipline.  

  

You need to ask your DAD why it's OK for your 13 year old brother to entertain girls in his bedroom? This girl can become pregnant just as easily as you can that's why I got so angry at your brother and Dad. I'm glad you told us about his "messing around" with this girl, don't feel bad about telling on him. It was the right thing to do I don't think you want anything to happen to your brother.  

 

When we got back my daughter posed the question to my husband? He gave a flipped answer about the double standard. He has trouble when she calls him on his actions. It is the age old problem of girls who are sexually active are called Who----e boys who are involved in sexual activity are called STUDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

I think what's good for the goose is good for the gander.  

 

OUTRAGED MOTHER  

  

  

  

  

I'm the Mother of a twenty year old and fifteen year old daughter. I would suggest you be very up front with her, call her on the inappropriateness of her photos. If she continues to correspond in appropriate ways take the phone!!!!! Their are just to many weirdos out their to let this slide!!!!!! 

  

Be vigilant about who she is hanging around what they are doing. My fifteen year old doesn't have a cell phone because it is just to unsecured. Her Internet access is very restricted because she was corresponding with a man posing as a seventeen year old who turned out to be thirty!!!!!!!  

  

My oldest girl was living with her biological Mother at the age of fifteen she started an inappropriate  relationship with a 21 year old man right under her Moms nose!!!!! Her cell phone was like her parental control???? When she ran off with him at 17 she was shipped to our house for the remainder of her childhood. All the talking and explaining what he was didn't work, we went as fare as running a back ground check on him. He has a rap sheet 5 pages long, but none of that mattered on the day of her 18th birthday she left early in the morning meeting him. Ending up pregnant endured 9 months of domestic abuse before getting away from him with her baby.  

  

Predators and certain boys will take advantage of your daughter vulnerability. Praying  on the issue  she is "green" unexperienced. Give her strong firm boundaries as it relates to the Internet, limit her access with parental controls. No matter how much she resist it is really what she needs. Be open about the dangers of experimenting sexually, pregnancy isn't the only threat. Early sexual interactions can have devastating effects on a girls self esteem. If shes not involved in sports or clubs get her involved. She needs to spend time with her Dad so she can get the attention she craves from a male.  

  

THEY DON'T COME WITH HAND BOOKS SO WE HAVE TO EDUCATE OUR SELVES.