Topic : Teens and Sex

I had a daughter who changed overnight while in 7th grade. It was a difficult time for all of us....a nightmare at times. Through good counseling we discovered that she had been raped and was afraid to tell us. She felt she was at fault because she had gone for a walk with a person who was a friend of a friend....but she didn't know him. She began acting up and out, making poor choices and getting into all kinds of trouble. She was cutting, grades were bad, and her outlook was dark. It took time, but with a good counselor...she is healed and happy again. Her desire is for God to use her in making a difference in the lives of others who have experienced similar circumstances. She is now 23, married, with a little boy. God has been faithful to our family and has brought healing. 

If there is an adult in your daughter's life that your daughter loves and trusts...perhaps she will open up to her. Often kids don't want to talk to their parent about the difficult stuff (even in the closest families). And of course...prayer can do tremendous things.

Well in your daughters case the acting up was her cry for help even if she didn't realize it. Often children and teens who lived trough an event get into destructive behaviour as a way of getting attention. The cutting often is a way of feeling someting even if it is pain, sometimes they can forget all other pain.

Anyways that is not why I replied. I want to caution, prayer can help but only if:

1. the one you pray with is open to the idea.
2. It does not become a substitute for talking about why you are praying. (Sometimes you see that prayer is the only thing offered to a teen and then it will not work since the underlying problem is denied.

Actually it is normal for a 12 year old to be busy with boygfriends and sex and what not. don't worry though these trelationships are what we call "traffic light relationships" meaning they go on and off since a 12 year old doesn't fully ounderstand the meaning of having a relationship. They talk about sex aswell all the time "go f*ck yourself" etc. finding a pun in everything that is said but it has no meaning, if you ask what does that mean? they will just answer "Well, you know" (in essence they are saying I don't know.)

Then now is THE time to talk about sex with her. Now all her pages on sex are blank if you wait only a little while longer the pages will be filled with street sense (which often has a lot of nonsense in it.) Besides she is interrested in the subject at this time and willing to talk about it with you.

Now important!!! DO NOT ONLY TEACH ABSTINANCE!!!!!! I cannot stress that enough, that will get your daughter pregnant. Why? because teens feel indestructable, rebellious and she will be unknowing of protection so she can't use it. I don't know if you would do that or not I'm just giving advice which might be life and deatch. (If she has unprotected sex she could catch an STD.)

Now you should teach about everything conserning sex including aswering any questions she has on her own. So not only abstinance not only the dangers, not only the protection, not only what is good about it but all of it. (Be sure not to demonize sex, teens know everybody is doing it so if it is illegal it will only get better and more attractive.)

Further help with this can be found on websites. be sure to get a website which does not only teach abstinance. (often the good websites refer to the low pregnancy and STD rates in France, the Netherlands, Sweden etc.)

My husband is allowing his 16 year son to have a sexual relationship with a 20 year old girl. His son is from his previous marriage but lives with us. He feels this is wrong if his daughter (15) does this and tells me that he is not in agreement with this but is allowing it. I feel this is morally wrong and feel a parent should stand their ground in what they do not agree with. We have many problems in our differences as parents. He will respect me that I do not want this behavior or situation in our home but still allows his son to continue. I keep losing so  much respect for him as a parent and I am struggling with this situation. He is very layed back with his children. I have 4 daughters ages 23, 17, 15 and 11. My eldest is married and has her first son and married and living on her own with her husband they have their own home. Please give me some advice

Well you often see that a father is more protective with his daughter then with his son and a mother more protective with her son then her daughter. That is I guess because a father can more easily feel what his son wants because he was young himself and the same is I guess true between a mother and daughter.

They are both having a sexual relationship I understand? Well they have the age for it though 15 is still a bit on the young side. (16.something is average) Having a relaxed attitude will often protect the children because you are more inclinded to talk openly about sex and therefore protection and that love has to go with sex. If you don't allow it they can still have sex (and often do) but don't know about protection and get STD's or pregnant. (Compare US to Dutch STD/pregnancy rates and see the difference, many sites on internet give info about that)

Then he might feel it is wrong for his daughter but she would feel (rightfully in my opinion) treated different from his son without any good reason. So in essence he himself has made the decision not to say anything about his daughter sexual life by allowing it to be fine for his son.

And in the end it are his children and so he has final decision as you have with yours. (even though you should try to reach consenses because otherwise your daughters might ask why they can't and his children can.)

xx Oet Gäöl

P.s. what do you mean by "He will respect me that I do not want this behavior or situation in our home but still allows his son to continue"

When you're watching your child hurting and doing destructive things....prayer can be the glue that holds you... the parent, together. It's personal between you and God..and I would never put a limit on it..of when it can help or can't help. It's not meant to be a substitute for quality help...but in addition to help.

we're on the same line then, but I've heard otherwise on many occassions... So to prevent that I replied to your message.

Sorry If I didn't let that come across

Oet Gäöl