This post will be my thoughts on (teen) sexuality. I will write it so that I can refer to it in future posts. It would also be interesting to start a debate about it so please give your thoughts on what I write down.
xx oet Gäöl
Sex education
when to start?
the proper age I think is as soon as possible but no later then age 12.
When they are 12 or younger they are still pretty innocent. When waiting only a year they get a lot of information about sex which isn't always true. Friends often tell things they heard from older kids among each other. They can't however tell what is true and what is bragging for instance.
It also helps them strengthen their persona so that they feel confident to say no to a boy or girl if they do not want to have sex.
another benefit of starting early is that you create an open atmosphere in which the child will be more forthcoming when he/she does have a relationship, which makes it easier to keep an eye on them.
what to say?
Well I am not really a fan of teaching abstinence (see below) but you can talk about that if you want. BUT you can't talk about abstinence alone, this is in fact dangerous!!!
The most important thing is to see what questions your child has by it self, this will give you insight in how far he/she is developed and what he want to talk about.
At age 12 you can talk about:
- protection during sex: always use a condom and if possible also the pill for the girl. You can get pregnant when you have sex for the first time. How you use a condom. How you use the pill and when it can be ineffective.
- STD's Teen pregnancy: of course you couple this with the previous topic.
- What sex is: It is an activity done by two people who love each other etc.
- When: The average first time is around 17 years of age I'd say most do it between 15 and 19 or so. That you have to love someone and you should not be pressured into it. That he/she has to feel ready him/herself and that it is okay to wait a little longer. First time most often is preceded by a relationship of 3 months.
- Anything the child asks you: they have a lot of questions so do answer them.
what kind of atmosphere
Be sure to make it an open conversation which is relaxed. take your time for it and be focused. Also avoid the impression that you want to keep it secret.
For instance my father closed the curtains when he talked to me about sex. probably because it was getting dark but I thought that it should be kept secret. When talking about sex keep in mind that it is something very big in the mind of a child, so the smallest things can be picked up and become more then you wanted it to be.
Do not force the talk though try to keep it a natural conversation.
Abstinence
I must say that I do not believe in the myth of abstinence until marriage I will try to explain why in the following paragraphs.
Why did it start?
Abstinence until marriage is a very old custom. It started because of money, not because of the bible Koran or Torah (seems less divine already doesn't it). Long ago when the father died all his belongings went to his son. It was therefor important that his son was his otherwise he would give his belongings to his neighbours kid.
Nowadays of course we willingly adopt children, go to sperm banks, care for children form a previous marriage etc. Also inheritance is not from father to son anymore but is divided between charities, the children, other family, friends and so on.
Also women had to pay a bridal treasure when they got married for the family this was a big investment so again making it important that the man new that it was worth it. Nowadays we don't have bridal treasures anymore so also this argument falls away.
Time
Also we have to take into account that the age of marriage has gone up considerably while the age of puberty is going down. When this was introduced women where married of when they hit puberty and men had to be able to care for a woman. So in practice that meant women married at age 12 and men age 16 to 18 or so. nowadays that age has risen to the late twenties.
It is therefor unnatural for teens to wait so long the biologic age and the age of marriage just varies to much nowadays for most teens to wait so long. (more then 10 years difference nowadays!!!)
What is marriage worth?
Nowadays we want our children to wait for their true love before having sex. So we say wait until marriage, but is that the true love they seek? In short: no. If you consider that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce then you could say that waiting until marriage has definitely lost its effect. It is therefor better to say that he/she should wait until it feels right at that moment and not until some arbitrary date you set.
Isn't it more romantic to wait?
Well no, I've heard a lot of first time stories and all contained the following lines: It was awkward. I was very tense. It wasn't the best time.
Also important is to consider that sex in a relationship is important. Or better yet: it isn't when the sex is good but when it is bad it is very important. Sexual compatibility is very important, breakups have happened because the sex is bad.
Why do we still adhere to the rules dreamt up in (pre)historic times?
Well that we can attribute to the Victorian era. It is a bit strange though we have let go of so many things from then but abstinence we keep.
I mean the Victorians considered women to be less then men and quite frankly didn't allow a women to walk down the road without her man by her side. Women almost where the same as a fancy vase!
Or what to think about masturbation? they thought that masturbation could give you diseases like blindness insanity and a whole lot of other things. We now know that masturbation is actually good and it is even encouraged by sexologists. (besides over 90% of men and a lot of women masturbate so it simply can't be bad)
Another example is hysteria which was sexual frustration in women. They thought that a woman should only come during intercourse (though 70% of women needs clitoral stimulation!) and combined with the ban on masturbation women where often not satisfied so they displayed sings of "hysteria".
Absolute waterproof
Even though you try your best, you can't protect them 100%. If they want to have sex they will. remember that you can't keep an eye on them all of the time and that they can lie about with who they are going out and to where. It is impossible to say with 100% certainty that your child is not sexually active. I once even read that in the US 75% of the parents thought that their child was not sexually active while 55% of the children said they where or had been.
Porn
Just to explain why boys look at porn. When they first become sexually active they are interested in the opposite sex. Out of curiosity they will look at porn. So don't be too alarmed when you catch your son looking at porn.
It is however important to teach him about respect for women so that he knows what is fantasy and what is real.
Age appropriate behaviour
This is what I think you will see at certain ages. I base this more or less on observations in myself and people around me. this is though not absolute and individuals might have different paths to their sexual development. keep an eye on your kid to know where he stands on this.
Age 11/12
At this age everything is funny. If it is only slightly sexual it will be laughed at. Sex is the main topic. When you ask what they are saying you will get a response like: "well you know..." In essence saying I don't really know what it is.
Relationships start forming and interest in the opposite sex grows. The relationships are traffic light relationships meaning they constantly change (sometimes from hour to hour.)
Age 13/14
relationship start lasting a bit longer and the first french kisses are exchanged. Dating begins
Age 15-19
Stable long term relationships can form. The first time often happens during this age. Also many teens 'come out' if they are gay or bisexual during this age.
age 29
The average age for marriage
