Message Boards

Topic : Teens and Sex

Number of Replies: 621
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:22:25 pm
Author : dataimport
How do you talk to your teens about sex? Share your story.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 2, 2008, 2:24 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: glider43

Hello. My 14 year old has her first boyfriend. He's about a foot shorter than she is, and looks much younger (he's 14 too). Of course, she looks like she's 25, a very attractive girl with a knockout figure. She has been "going out" with him for about a month. Anyway, she has been going over to his house, with his parents there, for long periods of time lately, and --you guessed it -- they've been fooling around. Yes, I snooped, reading the messages on her cell phone, which greatly alarmed me, since it sounds like they have french kissed, he's seen her breasts, and they were "grinding," which I guess means imitating sex with their clothes on. SO...what do I do now? Try to talk to her? Ground her? Go beat up the guy and his parents? (kidding) I have no one else to talk to. My husband would absolutely freak. So PLEASE, someone give me some advice. I thought she was a level headed kid, but I guess I was wrong.

Well lets focus on the positive side. She didn't have sex! No really that is the big positive side here, she isn't pregnant or has an STD! Now since she is in this stage of her sexuality it is important you get her condoms and get her on the pill.

If you are wondering Am I enabeling her by giving her protection, saying it is okay. Well I don't know and it really doesn't matter either.She hasn't had sex but isn't for off from it either. This means that it is far more important to make sure that she is safe rather then thinking of what kind of message it sends out.

Other thing that you need to do is to talk to her. I don't know if you talk about sex in your home but it is an important part in raising your kid. You need to talk to her in an Adult way (forbidding things will make her shut you out and that of course is not good) You should say that you know what she has done and you can say that you do not agree with that. Do it in a calm way, and give her reasons why you don't like her doing that. Always keep in mind that you are talking to an olmost adult here. She might also have questions of her own please answer them and answer them truthfully, lying only backfires. If you don't know be honest aswell. Don't think she is too young to nkow the answer to a question, if she asks it she is ready to know.

The conversation is not so much about forbidding since it won't work, it should be about empowering her to say no if she feels she is not ready for it. She has to know she isn't wierd not to do that and that it is okay not to hold him off.

Communication is in this all very important as I said. Try to talk to her as an adult even if she is (and always will be) your little angel.

If you want more help try looking for sites on the internet about talking to your kids about sex. Make sure the information is objective and true. (some sites state false facts or present opinions as facts to scare parents into teaching abstinance only.) Sites that are run by a sexologist are a good place to start I guess.

 

One last thing, remember in all of this that there are two people involved in all of this. Your daughter and her boyfriend. Neither is more to blame then the other. They both did it out of their own free will.

 

Oet Gäöl

 
July 14, 2008, 10:34 am CDT

teenagers will always be curious

This is the honest truth: teenagers are going to be curious about sex, and will almost always be up for learning new things. It's only in developed countries that teenagers wait until they're older, or married, to engage in sexual acts or intercourse. Waiting is not human nature, nor customary in other nations or countries.

 

There are countries that allow their men to have multiple wives, both young teens and women alike. Young girls are expected to be mothers by certain ages, sometimes 13 or 14. I know many Americans can't imaging their daughter having to uphold this expectation, but if we lived in another country, this topic would not be up for discussion.

 

There are MANY aspects of a teenage relationship that parents don't take into consideration. Such as:

 

Adults have sex to make their relationships better/last longer, so why can't teens? (adult answer: Not responsible) Well, there are PLENTLY of adults out there who don't have the means to care for a surprise child, yet they still do the deed. What makes it different? Sex is enjoyed by two people who want a stronger connection, so I don't see why teenagers having sex is different.

 

Teenage abortions are on the rise: Adults have abortions, too. We hear all the statistics about teen abortions, but remember that everyone with a uterus and working parts is able to not only have a child, but also have an abortion. not always willing, but physically able. Don't consider us reckless if we have one, think about all the grown women that abort.

 

STDs are a major problem: Adults can catch STDs just as easily as a teenager can, so again...not seeing a big difference.

 

Teenage emotions are different than adults: this is true, but I'm sure there are millions of adults out there that become emotionally attched to the men or women they have sex with. Virginity is a big debate amongst parents of teens, but what if your child doesn't view virginity as an important part of their INDIVIDUAL lives? They are people, too. Teens make the choice as to whether they'll wait or not, and no amount of parental dogging will stop a teen who's ready and waiting. Sorry to hurt your parental pride, but you lose control as we get older.

 

 

 

Don't call us names when you're upset. EVER. My mom and sister fight alot, and my sister is no longer a virgin by choice. My mom sometimes resents her for that, and will call her a "slut", "whore", etc. my sister was in a DEDICATED relationship when she had sex, so it was a mature decision. It's no different than an adult being in a commited relationship having sex: I know many more adults actually having casual sex than I do teenagers!

 

Get out of the parent mind set just for a minute: think honestly about the topic. The human brain is geared toward successful reproduction, it doesn't magically start at seventeen or eighteen. Your teenager is a mammal, as you are, who has animalistic urges. Sex is a natural and healthy part of everyone's lives.

 

and Single parents: stop being hipocrites. If you're pushing abstinence until marriage and having sex with a partner you met recently, what sort of message is that sending to your kids? It doesn't matter that you've already been married, you're XX years old, make $XXXXX.XX a month/year, etc.- the only thing your child will see is that you don't practice what you preach. And that's unfair.

 

Think long and hard about ALL decisions you make with regard to your teens and sexuality. Truth be told, America/Great Britain/etc. (developed countries) are actually the weird ones when it comes to sex.

 

 

Open_Eyes

 
July 25, 2008, 3:45 pm CDT

Calm Down

Quote From: glider43

Hello. My 14 year old has her first boyfriend. He's about a foot shorter than she is, and looks much younger (he's 14 too). Of course, she looks like she's 25, a very attractive girl with a knockout figure. She has been "going out" with him for about a month. Anyway, she has been going over to his house, with his parents there, for long periods of time lately, and --you guessed it -- they've been fooling around. Yes, I snooped, reading the messages on her cell phone, which greatly alarmed me, since it sounds like they have french kissed, he's seen her breasts, and they were "grinding," which I guess means imitating sex with their clothes on. SO...what do I do now? Try to talk to her? Ground her? Go beat up the guy and his parents? (kidding) I have no one else to talk to. My husband would absolutely freak. So PLEASE, someone give me some advice. I thought she was a level headed kid, but I guess I was wrong.
Don't put her on absolute lockdown just yet. Just sit her down and tell her that she should slow things down a bit. It's only been a month right? I'm only 16 but I know that seeing another person's private parts after a month of dating is a little too fast. Don't beat anyone up. They're teenagers. They're gonna want to simulate what adults do. Talk about how she has her entire life to have sex and her entire life to think about it. She probably IS a level headed kid but she's probably under pressure from this boyfriend and society. If a girl doesn't do certain things, she's considered a prude and a b----. Trust me that's been my nickname since I started high school. It's a lose-lose situation. And if she DOES do such sexual things and the boy decides to be a jerk and tell the whole world, then she's labeled as promiscuous and it damages her forever. But I prefer that she take the high road and be the prude. If she decides to go ahead and have sex anyway, then you can ground her and bar her windows and such. Hope I helped!
 
August 10, 2008, 8:08 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: glider43

Hello. My 14 year old has her first boyfriend. He's about a foot shorter than she is, and looks much younger (he's 14 too). Of course, she looks like she's 25, a very attractive girl with a knockout figure. She has been "going out" with him for about a month. Anyway, she has been going over to his house, with his parents there, for long periods of time lately, and --you guessed it -- they've been fooling around. Yes, I snooped, reading the messages on her cell phone, which greatly alarmed me, since it sounds like they have french kissed, he's seen her breasts, and they were "grinding," which I guess means imitating sex with their clothes on. SO...what do I do now? Try to talk to her? Ground her? Go beat up the guy and his parents? (kidding) I have no one else to talk to. My husband would absolutely freak. So PLEASE, someone give me some advice. I thought she was a level headed kid, but I guess I was wrong.

Well, this is your lucky day because i am also 14 and see these situations on a daily bases.  Now do not get to hyped up about this yet because you're so lucky they didnt go to far. You should talk to her about her feelings and how she feels about the situation.  Don't start of as "NO SEX IT'S BAD" and blah blah rah rah, because it's not. You've got to understand that sex has made a great impact on the world and lets be honest you can't control our feelings for it and sometimes our feelings get so out of control we rebel !           'O sweet temptation'

 
August 10, 2008, 8:11 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: open_eyes

This is the honest truth: teenagers are going to be curious about sex, and will almost always be up for learning new things. It's only in developed countries that teenagers wait until they're older, or married, to engage in sexual acts or intercourse. Waiting is not human nature, nor customary in other nations or countries.

 

There are countries that allow their men to have multiple wives, both young teens and women alike. Young girls are expected to be mothers by certain ages, sometimes 13 or 14. I know many Americans can't imaging their daughter having to uphold this expectation, but if we lived in another country, this topic would not be up for discussion.

 

There are MANY aspects of a teenage relationship that parents don't take into consideration. Such as:

 

Adults have sex to make their relationships better/last longer, so why can't teens? (adult answer: Not responsible) Well, there are PLENTLY of adults out there who don't have the means to care for a surprise child, yet they still do the deed. What makes it different? Sex is enjoyed by two people who want a stronger connection, so I don't see why teenagers having sex is different.

 

Teenage abortions are on the rise: Adults have abortions, too. We hear all the statistics about teen abortions, but remember that everyone with a uterus and working parts is able to not only have a child, but also have an abortion. not always willing, but physically able. Don't consider us reckless if we have one, think about all the grown women that abort.

 

STDs are a major problem: Adults can catch STDs just as easily as a teenager can, so again...not seeing a big difference.

 

Teenage emotions are different than adults: this is true, but I'm sure there are millions of adults out there that become emotionally attched to the men or women they have sex with. Virginity is a big debate amongst parents of teens, but what if your child doesn't view virginity as an important part of their INDIVIDUAL lives? They are people, too. Teens make the choice as to whether they'll wait or not, and no amount of parental dogging will stop a teen who's ready and waiting. Sorry to hurt your parental pride, but you lose control as we get older.

 

 

 

Don't call us names when you're upset. EVER. My mom and sister fight alot, and my sister is no longer a virgin by choice. My mom sometimes resents her for that, and will call her a "slut", "whore", etc. my sister was in a DEDICATED relationship when she had sex, so it was a mature decision. It's no different than an adult being in a commited relationship having sex: I know many more adults actually having casual sex than I do teenagers!

 

Get out of the parent mind set just for a minute: think honestly about the topic. The human brain is geared toward successful reproduction, it doesn't magically start at seventeen or eighteen. Your teenager is a mammal, as you are, who has animalistic urges. Sex is a natural and healthy part of everyone's lives.

 

and Single parents: stop being hipocrites. If you're pushing abstinence until marriage and having sex with a partner you met recently, what sort of message is that sending to your kids? It doesn't matter that you've already been married, you're XX years old, make $XXXXX.XX a month/year, etc.- the only thing your child will see is that you don't practice what you preach. And that's unfair.

 

Think long and hard about ALL decisions you make with regard to your teens and sexuality. Truth be told, America/Great Britain/etc. (developed countries) are actually the weird ones when it comes to sex.

 

 

Open_Eyes

Very well spoken!

 
August 10, 2008, 8:32 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: bnj41308

My oldest son is 13 and got his first girlfriend about 3 days ago. My husband and I tried having a talk with him about sex but we really don't know how to go about talking to him about it if he "doesn't" really know much about it. He knows it makes babies and that diseases can be caught through sex but he said he doesn't know what sex is exactly. I don't want to feed him information if he doesn't know about it. Today he said that they kissed (without tongue) and now I am even more freaked out. Can someone please help me? I want to have this talk  with my son. i don't want him to not know and at the same time I want him to know. I realize that we live in a day and time where sex is everywhere and I want to try everything in my power to keep my son from doing something he might later regret.
Well, i think you're just going to get over that.  I don't know what part of america you are from but where im from our first boyriends were'nt at 13 and im 14.  Let me tell you have very little power over that  'regret' he might have.  If we want to have sex , trust me we're going to have sex. Now the power that you could have is tell him the consequences! PLEEEASE do not say sex is bad. I think every teen on this earth knows it's not bad so save it.  The consequences are bad, not sex itself DO NOT GET THAT TWISTED!
 
August 14, 2008, 2:50 am CDT

you ned to change!!!!

  Hi, i am a 26years old girl from Norway. And  I am just now watching the show about teens and sex. And I am schocked!!! I have lived one year in the states and i was suprised about how many young girls how got pregnant.
 In Norway we had sex ed in 4.grade! We learned how to use condomes. We did not learn that we were going to die by having sex!!! In Norway it is normal to live toghether before we get married. So almost everybody have had sex before marriage.
I feel that you are all hiding behind religion. And that you are scearing the kids! I think that if young kids had acces to condoms there would be less teen pregnacy!

What also scears me is that one of the guest(Ed) is sitting comparing a girl how had sex with a used toothbrush!!!!!!! IT is shooking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am wounderign how ihis kids are feeling?

So I think it is time to wake up and start teaching sex, not make it into something bad!

 
August 14, 2008, 11:34 am CDT

HELP MY 16YO HAD SEX

 I NEED HELP ....I JUST FOUND OUT FROM MY 16 YO DAUGHTER THAT HER AND HER BOYFRIEND (16) HAD SEX ABOUT 3 MONTHS AGO ...THEY USED PROTECTION....BUT SINCE THEN THEY HAVE BEEN ON AND OFF ..HE TREATS HER VERY BAD..CALLS NAME ,HATEFUL THINGS AND IS VERY JEALOUS OF HER...I HAVE TRYED DTO GET HER TO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY'RE ARE OTHER GUYS OUT THERE BUT SHE ONLY WANTS HIM.........AND TRUST ME HE IS NOT DESERVING OF HER AND SHE KNOWS HOW I FEEL....BUT MY PROBLEM IS .DO I PUT HER THE PILL  AND RUN THE RISK OF HER HAVEING SEX WITH HIM ONLY TO MAKE HIM HAPPY ????OR DO I NOT AND RUN THE RISK OF HER GETTING PREG.???  SHE IS NOT ALLOWED OVER TO HIS HOUSE AT ALL..BUT SHE HAS TO HANG OUT WITH HER FRIENDS SOMETIMES AFTER SCOOL BECAUSE OF MY WORK SCEDULE...SO I KNOW THER'S A CHANCE THAT THEY WILL HAVE SEX AGAIN HELP PLEASE..
 
August 14, 2008, 6:44 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: cmt1966

 I NEED HELP ....I JUST FOUND OUT FROM MY 16 YO DAUGHTER THAT HER AND HER BOYFRIEND (16) HAD SEX ABOUT 3 MONTHS AGO ...THEY USED PROTECTION....BUT SINCE THEN THEY HAVE BEEN ON AND OFF ..HE TREATS HER VERY BAD..CALLS NAME ,HATEFUL THINGS AND IS VERY JEALOUS OF HER...I HAVE TRYED DTO GET HER TO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY'RE ARE OTHER GUYS OUT THERE BUT SHE ONLY WANTS HIM.........AND TRUST ME HE IS NOT DESERVING OF HER AND SHE KNOWS HOW I FEEL....BUT MY PROBLEM IS .DO I PUT HER THE PILL  AND RUN THE RISK OF HER HAVEING SEX WITH HIM ONLY TO MAKE HIM HAPPY ????OR DO I NOT AND RUN THE RISK OF HER GETTING PREG.???  SHE IS NOT ALLOWED OVER TO HIS HOUSE AT ALL..BUT SHE HAS TO HANG OUT WITH HER FRIENDS SOMETIMES AFTER SCOOL BECAUSE OF MY WORK SCEDULE...SO I KNOW THER'S A CHANCE THAT THEY WILL HAVE SEX AGAIN HELP PLEASE..

Well first off I'll answer your question: Put her on the pill, really! If you don't put her on the pill she might have sex again if you do  well she might have sex again but at least she won't get pregnant. (at least when used properly) Big difference? Yeah raising a kid needs her to grow up and become an adult instantly and might ruin her future (I don't know if you can support her and her kid while she goes to college?)

And even if your work shedule was better or even if you didn't work at all. It doesn't matter, only if you'd lock her up 24/7 you could be sure she didn't have sex or do something else you do not approve of. Things happen you can't protect her from everything. you can only make sure she faces every challenge as best she can by helping her along the way.

 

She is 16 so her having sex is not really a surprise. it's the age many start (between 16 and 17 about 50% of teens have had sex at least once.) Whatever our upbringing, it makes no difference (though it seems that teens from really religious families start earlir because of a lack of sexual education.)

We as a society ussually see girls as the victoms of boys, objects of desire. Do not forget she has raging hormones too. She is also a subject of desire and is a sexual creature aswell. What I'm trying to say is do not blame the boy for the sexual encounter they had, it involved two people not just one.

 

What I am concerned about is her boyfriend. Her staying with him might be because she lacks confidence about herself. She might think she can't get another boyfriend who does make her happy and feel unworthy towards others. I don't know if that is the case but maybe you carefully want to check into it though. On the other hand girls often like bad boys, but thats usually a fase before they meet someone who is good to them.

 
August 16, 2008, 11:05 am CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: jaimie1974

Yes, absolutely take her to the Dr. and have her begin taking the pill! And then, continue to do all that you can to keep her away from him. She is 16, still a minor- youve only got a couple of more years that youll have any control over her, so you have to do all that you can to set her on a good course for life. Although she will resist, I urge you to take her to therapy, to discover why she believes that this young man is as good as she will get. She needs and deserves to have third-party, unbiased, professional guidance in her life, and the best way to provide that for her is therapy. Somewhere along the way in these 16 years of her life, her self esteem has been low and is staying low. A therapist can provide guidance to raise it; and the great thing is that it wont be just for now, it will be for the rest of her life.
I know that it wont be easy to make her go, but that is part of parenting- making the difficult decisions and then following through with them. I wish you the best. (P.S. My advice comes from personal experience- Ive had a very similar experience with my teen daughter!)

Therapy might be  little severe. Other things might do the job just as well (this depends on your judgement as a parent) maybe finding her a hobby she likes and is good at does the job or there are trainings that improve selfconfidence only after that comes therapy. But again you as a parrent need to decide if she has low selfesteem and which of the above measures might help her.

 

As for keeping her away from him... It's near impossible she is 16 has a mind of her own (as does anyone of over say 14?) You cannot watch her during school hours and when she is with friends. Just saying you think the boy is bad for her (and why) without forbidding her to see him saves you a lot of tears energyand keeps the bond between te two of you good enough so that she keeps an open mind for what you say. If she hates you she will not be open for things you say and that is not good.

 
First | Prev | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | Next | Last