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Topic : Teens and Sex

Number of Replies: 621
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:22:25 pm
Author : dataimport
How do you talk to your teens about sex? Share your story.

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August 20, 2008, 5:24 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: coeverland

  Hi, i am a 26years old girl from Norway. And  I am just now watching the show about teens and sex. And I am schocked!!! I have lived one year in the states and i was suprised about how many young girls how got pregnant.
 In Norway we had sex ed in 4.grade! We learned how to use condomes. We did not learn that we were going to die by having sex!!! In Norway it is normal to live toghether before we get married. So almost everybody have had sex before marriage.
I feel that you are all hiding behind religion. And that you are scearing the kids! I think that if young kids had acces to condoms there would be less teen pregnacy!

What also scears me is that one of the guest(Ed) is sitting comparing a girl how had sex with a used toothbrush!!!!!!! IT is shooking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am wounderign how ihis kids are feeling?

So I think it is time to wake up and start teaching sex, not make it into something bad!

I agree. Scaring teens is not effective. It makes them afraid to ask questions, it makes them afraid to buy protection, and it distorts their ideas about what sex really is and gives them skewed facts. Fear breeds ignorance.

 
August 26, 2008, 8:37 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

I don't know what to do.  Two weeks ago, I confronted my 17-year old daughter about whether or not she and an ex-boyfriend had ever had sex.  (She told a male friend of ours, who told another female friend who told me, because they were all upset that she would make that decision).  When confronted, she vehemently denied it.  However, today when confronted with the facts again and told that if I didn't believe her, we would be going to the clinic in the morning and  I would have the doctor check her out and tell me, she finally admitted to the fact that she had had sex with an ex-boyfriend on a night that they both had called into work sick so that they could be together.  She has never done this before.  She has always told me everything that she has been doing and who she is with.  Now I don't kow what to believe and how to handle the situation.
 
August 30, 2008, 9:26 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: bandmom09

I don't know what to do.  Two weeks ago, I confronted my 17-year old daughter about whether or not she and an ex-boyfriend had ever had sex.  (She told a male friend of ours, who told another female friend who told me, because they were all upset that she would make that decision).  When confronted, she vehemently denied it.  However, today when confronted with the facts again and told that if I didn't believe her, we would be going to the clinic in the morning and  I would have the doctor check her out and tell me, she finally admitted to the fact that she had had sex with an ex-boyfriend on a night that they both had called into work sick so that they could be together.  She has never done this before.  She has always told me everything that she has been doing and who she is with.  Now I don't kow what to believe and how to handle the situation.

You should definately sit her down and tell her how this made you feel. Also, I think you should talk to her about whether or not she used protection with this guy.

 

It's obvious that she had really skewed priorities in this situation, considering she blew off work to have sex with him.

 

Talk to her about why she did that. Ask her honestly what was going through her mind when she made such an irrisponsible decision. Include the fact that there are others, the friends, that are concerned about her and that's why they told you about what happened. Be open and honest with her, and let her know that she can put it all on the table, and that you feel strange and worried about why she went behind your back and denied it when confronted.

 
September 11, 2008, 7:32 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: open_eyes

This is the honest truth: teenagers are going to be curious about sex, and will almost always be up for learning new things. It's only in developed countries that teenagers wait until they're older, or married, to engage in sexual acts or intercourse. Waiting is not human nature, nor customary in other nations or countries.

 

There are countries that allow their men to have multiple wives, both young teens and women alike. Young girls are expected to be mothers by certain ages, sometimes 13 or 14. I know many Americans can't imaging their daughter having to uphold this expectation, but if we lived in another country, this topic would not be up for discussion.

 

There are MANY aspects of a teenage relationship that parents don't take into consideration. Such as:

 

Adults have sex to make their relationships better/last longer, so why can't teens? (adult answer: Not responsible) Well, there are PLENTLY of adults out there who don't have the means to care for a surprise child, yet they still do the deed. What makes it different? Sex is enjoyed by two people who want a stronger connection, so I don't see why teenagers having sex is different.

 

Teenage abortions are on the rise: Adults have abortions, too. We hear all the statistics about teen abortions, but remember that everyone with a uterus and working parts is able to not only have a child, but also have an abortion. not always willing, but physically able. Don't consider us reckless if we have one, think about all the grown women that abort.

 

STDs are a major problem: Adults can catch STDs just as easily as a teenager can, so again...not seeing a big difference.

 

Teenage emotions are different than adults: this is true, but I'm sure there are millions of adults out there that become emotionally attched to the men or women they have sex with. Virginity is a big debate amongst parents of teens, but what if your child doesn't view virginity as an important part of their INDIVIDUAL lives? They are people, too. Teens make the choice as to whether they'll wait or not, and no amount of parental dogging will stop a teen who's ready and waiting. Sorry to hurt your parental pride, but you lose control as we get older.

 

 

 

Don't call us names when you're upset. EVER. My mom and sister fight alot, and my sister is no longer a virgin by choice. My mom sometimes resents her for that, and will call her a "slut", "whore", etc. my sister was in a DEDICATED relationship when she had sex, so it was a mature decision. It's no different than an adult being in a commited relationship having sex: I know many more adults actually having casual sex than I do teenagers!

 

Get out of the parent mind set just for a minute: think honestly about the topic. The human brain is geared toward successful reproduction, it doesn't magically start at seventeen or eighteen. Your teenager is a mammal, as you are, who has animalistic urges. Sex is a natural and healthy part of everyone's lives.

 

and Single parents: stop being hipocrites. If you're pushing abstinence until marriage and having sex with a partner you met recently, what sort of message is that sending to your kids? It doesn't matter that you've already been married, you're XX years old, make $XXXXX.XX a month/year, etc.- the only thing your child will see is that you don't practice what you preach. And that's unfair.

 

Think long and hard about ALL decisions you make with regard to your teens and sexuality. Truth be told, America/Great Britain/etc. (developed countries) are actually the weird ones when it comes to sex.

 

 

Open_Eyes

 

I don't really understand what you're trying to say? Are you saying that teenagers deserve the same rights and consideration as adults when it comes to sex? Please... they're parents for a reason, to claim that adults (no parents at that) are not entitled to be hypocritical in their discipline is ridiculous and just bad parenting.  "Oh i drink alcohol so i guess you can too honey" - absolute crap!  And your attack on single parents was just "unfair" - to quote your words.  Children are not ignorant, self-centered brats that cry boohoo if mommy gets to do things that they aren't allowed to.  They're able to place things in perspective and understand that their mother/father is entitled to make their own informed and personal decisions in their lives and expect and ask differently of their children.  Children need to know that their parents want the absolute best for them (even if this seems unfair or is not what the child wants) although they themselves do not adhere to the same standards.  This sends the message (even though it's usually clouded by the child’s own frustration and angst) that their parents love them and that they can be depended on to protect and nurture them.  What if the child just wants to be heard and respected? Good- listen to them! But don't think that listening means giving them what they want- like i said, they want to be heard, not given the world and total independence!

 

I also think your answer to your own question as to why are adults allowed to have sex and teenagers aren't was completely off the mark.  It's not a matter of responsibility- if it was then you'd be right- teenagers CAN have responsible sex so case closed- they should be allowed to 'do it' whenever they like.  No, i don't think it is this simple otherwise "the western world" - as you so put it - would not continue to debate over teenage sex.  I believe it is a matter of consent and maturity.  Parents want to preserve their children’s innocence for a reason- because they believe that true consent to engage in such a highly emotional and physical act such as sex, cannot truly be given until they have reached an age where their decisions can be appreciated and comprehended.  Plus it’s not really that they worry whether their child is going to be responsible (ask any parent if they’re ‘cool’ with their 16 yr old having sex just because she’s wearing a condom while doing it, and they’ll say no) but whether they are being responsible allowing their child to engage in sexual activity.  If they believe they aren’t, then surely they’re allowed to be apprehensive about giving permission- I mean, lord they’re not comfortable because they are parents and that person having sex is their child!  And they shouldn’t have to query whether their reservations are legitimate because god forbid, they’re being hypocritical.

 

I really think the only good point you made was about parents not calling their children hateful names- which unequivocally is the number one rule when it comes to parenting. Don’t ever call your children sluts, idiots or other hurtful names regardless of how destructive or rebellious your child’s behaviour is. And I also agree- kids will have sex if they really want to, and I don’t think parents are under any misapprehensions about this!

 

 
September 16, 2008, 10:33 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

I agree with some parts of that and some parts not so much.

 

Yeah, I do believe that there are a lot of parts of the teenage life that parents don't take into consideration. Like changing times. My mother used to always throw "I was a teenager once too" "I was in high school once too" and we would always say "Mom, you haven't been in high school for more than 20 years. Being a teenager in the 60's was a lot different than being a teenager now." Or she would even say things like "You should wait to have sex because-insert reason here-" and we would bring up the fact that she had (and lost) about two kids before she got married. In fact, my brother (whom died shortly after birth) has a different father than ours.

 

So that kind of falls under the same category of not practicing what one preaches. A perfect example is, like was previously said, a single parent who preaches waiting for sex, but then turns around and has it with their latest date. Of course not all single parents are like that, that would be generalizing, but there are some that are like that and it's not fair because it sends mixed signals to the child.

 

I believe that it is more important to teach a teenager about responsible decision-making, the consequences of rushing into sex, and about protection rather than just straight abstinence. It's been statistically proven that abstinence only works less than %15. Teaching responsibility is more effective. My 7th grade health teacher was really good at that. She had potato babies, but she took it a step further. She also gave us a hypothetical situation. For the girls, it was "You are pregnant and decided to keep it." and with the boys it was "You are the father of the baby the girl has decided to keep." To all of us she said "Your parents are not helping you." Then she gave us a hypothetical amount of money, and we had to not only find a place to live, work out a grocery budget, a budget with which to buy food and clothes for the baby, but also other expenses like utilities. We could not go over the limited amount of money she gave us. If we went over, that meant we were in debt and we failed the assigment. It was actually really difficult. I ended up living in a studio apartment, with no landline phone, no cable, and no computer. Basically I looked at it and thought, "Well...I have to give up everything that I can live without. Everything." If I hadn't given up the landline, I would have failed the assignment. If I had chosen bigger than a studio, I would have chopped my grocery budget in half.

 

It really got to me. Her intention was not to teach us no avoid sex entirely, but to teach us how the real world works when you have a baby or rush into sex or don't use protection. Her aim was to teach responsibility. It worked for me, 'cause then my sister ended up pregnant in her teens and I thought of that assignment, and decided that not only was I going to wait until I was out of high school and in college, but I would get protection before I even considered sex, and I would have sex only if I were absolutely sure that I wouldn't regret it. Thank goodness I did wait, because I know I would have regretted sex with any of the boyfriends I had throughout high school. I would have regretted it BIG TIME.

 
September 18, 2008, 9:04 pm CDT

having the sex talk

 

I have an 11 1/2 year old daughter,  I know I need to have the talk with her but don't know how to start it.  My mother never had the talk with me......  What do I say??? How much information do I give??? HELP!!!!!!

 
September 19, 2008, 11:49 am CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: jaimie1974

She is 11 and a half years old and you have never had the talk with her??!! Is she an only child? (As a mother of three daughters, very curious daughters, the questions began at ages 4 in my house!) Im assuming that she has never brought it up to you? The greatest time to have the talk is when kids present you with questions. In your case, your daughter isnt coming to you with questions, so youll have to take that step and go to her. First start with the period talk. A really great book that I got for my girls is called The care and keeping of you. It goes through the changes that will happen to her body, step by step, in a very matter of fact and easy to understand way.
My advice to you is to get the book, and then plan a time when you will have uninterrupted time with your daughter to have this talk. Tell her that when you were her age, your mom never told you these things, and that you want to educate her and prepare her for the changes that are going to happen to her body. Give her the basic facts, and then give her the book. It is important that you let her know she can ask you anything; and be prepared for any questions. When I had the how you make babies talk with my girls, I didnt get into the nitty-gritty stuff; I simply explained that the male has a sperm, the female has an egg; they come together and make a baby. A few months later when asked, but how do they come together? I explained that a male and female have body parts that fit together like puzzle pieces; when they fit just right, a baby can be made. That has satisfied them. (That advice was from an episode of Dr. Phil, and it worked great!) I wish you the best. Dont put it off much longer; Im sure she has heard some talk from others and she needs to know the facts.
Yes she is the only child. She has never asked any questions, I just marked it up to her being the only child.  I have the book and tried to go through the book with her and she did not want any parts of it.  I told her that her and I needed to sit down and talk about the changes she is starting to have.  She is very modist.  Thank you for your advice... 
 
September 26, 2008, 8:33 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: jaimie1974

She is 11 and a half years old and you have never had the talk with her??!! Is she an only child? (As a mother of three daughters, very curious daughters, the questions began at ages 4 in my house!) Im assuming that she has never brought it up to you? The greatest time to have the talk is when kids present you with questions. In your case, your daughter isnt coming to you with questions, so youll have to take that step and go to her. First start with the period talk. A really great book that I got for my girls is called The care and keeping of you. It goes through the changes that will happen to her body, step by step, in a very matter of fact and easy to understand way.
My advice to you is to get the book, and then plan a time when you will have uninterrupted time with your daughter to have this talk. Tell her that when you were her age, your mom never told you these things, and that you want to educate her and prepare her for the changes that are going to happen to her body. Give her the basic facts, and then give her the book. It is important that you let her know she can ask you anything; and be prepared for any questions. When I had the how you make babies talk with my girls, I didnt get into the nitty-gritty stuff; I simply explained that the male has a sperm, the female has an egg; they come together and make a baby. A few months later when asked, but how do they come together? I explained that a male and female have body parts that fit together like puzzle pieces; when they fit just right, a baby can be made. That has satisfied them. (That advice was from an episode of Dr. Phil, and it worked great!) I wish you the best. Dont put it off much longer; Im sure she has heard some talk from others and she needs to know the facts.
I totally agree. Chances are, at the age of 11, she has probably heard some things, some "information" already from friends, tv, kids at school, and there's a big chance that not all that information is factual and true. There are some totally insane "facts" about sexual health that are so rediculous you wonder where they came from.

Being that she is 11, she is most likely approaching puberty. I'm sure the last thing you want to happen is for her to start her period and freak out about it because she doesn't know what to do, or worse, she get some kind of infection and be afraid to say anything about it.

I agree that it is a good idea to get a book that explains the straight facts. Be sure to get one that has current publishing dates, or at least was written before the 1950's, because believe me...I found a book about sex that was published in like, 1952 and there were some "facts" in there that even I was looking at and saying "That's bogus...." (It was saying things like "Birth control is 90% effective. 9 out of 10 women will not get pregnant on the pill. The pullout method is 80% effective, 8 out of 10 women will not get pregnant using the pullout method. Female condoms are 70% effective...*notice a pattern here....*) So make sure, if you get a book, whatever book you get, that it is current and factual and doesn't sugar-coat the issues.

Be reassuring when you talk to your daughter. Tell her that it's okay to ask questions, in fact, it's better to ask questions and get the facts instead of just trying to figure things out herself without knowing for sure. Encourage her to come to you and share things and be open. Tell her that everyone develops at his or her own pace, and it's okay if another girl develops faster or slower than she does, and that it's totally normal. As he gets older and more mature, keep talking to her about things that you think are important for her to know, and allow her to share her ideas and things with you as well. If you remain available to her, and open and reassuring, more than likely she'll trust you with things like this.
 
September 29, 2008, 4:11 pm CDT

The unfairness in my home.

I wouldn't call my family a whole actual family. Only because of the pure fact that my step-dad parents my step-brother fairly and understandably (sometimes) and parents me unfairly. Vise versa with my mom. So when it came to sex. I never got the talk from my mom about sex. From my point of view, I think she was scared to. But once my step-brother and I started getting older, I was 14 and he was 16 or 17, my step-dad supported my brother having sex (so obviously he had the talk with him) and gave him condoms whenever he asked for them. My mom, on the other hand, yelled at me and made me feel small and confused when she found out I had sex. I really don't think this was the smart thing to do. Because of this, soon after, me and my boyfriend broke up. She made me feel scared to be in a relationship, also, she hasn't seen a boyfriend of mine since. All this to say, I strongly suggest talking to your kids about very safe sex when they are maybe 12 or 13? I can't really tell not being a mother but I know not having it at all isn't right.
 
November 6, 2008, 11:33 pm CST

teen parent communication failure- teen seeking to reach out to mom


i am very self confident and i love my life right now
ive just graduated from high school and im about to go to collage

me and my mom have lots of communication problems

i try to tell her that i want to know what she is thinking whenever we get in a fight, but she will never tell me

i try to listen to bolth sides of the story, so that i can tell if i was in the wrong, but she never tells me anything. she just blows me off!

 i know there are a lot of moms out there and mabie you all could tell me how to make peace between me and her

im the kind of person who likes to get evrything out of thier system and live without regret
it seems my mom is the kind of person who wants to keep evrything inside and not talk about any problems

 
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