Topic : Teens and Sex

I am a mother of a 15yr son.  He is the youngest of 4 boys and has been loved, adored and given more opportunities than any of his older brothers (who are older and have their own apartments).  He is incredibly bright and quite handsome but  emotional immature for his age.  He does have a 16yr. girlfriend.  The boys know that they/we/I can talk openly about 'sex' if/when the subject arises.    

Today I was trying to work on my sons computer media system when I noticed several horrific pornography video downloaded titles.  Although the videos themselves had been deleted - I was still horrified at more than half of the the titles that had been previously downloaded.  Aside from the usual T & A porn, there were titles like 'teen girl gang banged', 14yr son f*** mother, girl tied up and f*(*,  gal w/ animals, etc etc --- I feel that these were violent and grossly aggressive porn titles.   There were over 250 different video downloads over the past 5 months - some ranging from 10secs to 10 mins - all downloaded when my husband and I were away from the house.  I am an open minded mother and realize that teens are curious about sex at this age - however - since I was brutally abused as a teen myself, I have been adament about not allowing ANY kind of porn in my home.  This is so far from the morals and ethics our family believes in.  Unfortunately, I am so upset and disappointed in him - that I had a total melt-down on him.   My son swears that these 'porn videos' just 'pop' up on his computer ever since he 'opened' his first porn video - that he deleted them shortly after they 'popped up' .  I would like to believe this but finding this large amount of porn on his computer has caused me not to trust him.  I do not know how these interent porn downloads work - are they random pop-ups like he swears or must one open the sites??  Now I'm not sure how to proceed with this  other than take the internet away from him for quite some time or unless he has adult supervision.    Is this cause for counseling or something that needs to be discussed at length when/after I calm down?    Please any constructive and intellectual help would be appreciated.  

I noticed a lot of heated debate and confusion as to when teens are ready to have sex. I would like to share my opinion, and of course, have others share their thoughts on my opinion if it needs to be refined. 

Three things, first off. There is no magical age. Also, parental approval will not necessarily follow. One more very important thing: being ready doesn't mean feeling ready. Here goes the explanation for that. 

It is not called an "adult relationship" for nothing. Being an adult doesn't mean being 18; it means having strong convictions, morals, ideas, and concern for respect. If you pay more attention to these things than to sex, you are more likely to have a fulfilling, pleasurable, and successful sexual experience, and that doesn't just apply to intercourse. It is that weird principle of distracting yourself from your desires in order to achieve what you desire the most (originated from stoicism, I recommend that all people study it if they want to be at peace). 

As far as parents go, if they are intimidating with respect to your sexuality (which I suppose many parents are), here is my suggestion... (going into Yoda mode now.) 

You must let go of your attachments. If you truly believe your authority is wrong, you mustn't fear losing them to a single argument more than you fear hiding the truth. To pursue your passions in secrecy and deceit is the way of the Sith. To proclaim your sexual morals with pride and without fear is the way of the Jedi. 

(Note:I have anticipated the arguments toward this, and I would like you all to know that  sometime after Episode 6, Luke Skywalker rebuilt the Jedi Order and eliminated the chastity rule to prevent emotional trauma such as what his father experienced.) 

To some people having sex for the first time is a huge emotional deal. To others, its sex, and it doesnt matter to them. I think you should really care about the person to have sex with them and be sure of that. I lost my virginity when i was 14, and part of me wishes i waited, but i didnt and thats a choice i made and have to live with. I dont regret it because the guy was a good guy, but then i thought about what happens when i want to get married, and my husband assumes i am a virgin and wants to share that with me, thats a big issue that has ciricled in my head. Just make the right decision and dont have any regrets.

This is a time in your daughter’s life where everything is changing. What is her rational for refusing to see the Dr., when s/he is the only person who can help heal her? The treatments take months, but its better than no treatment at all. Your daughter gets upset when you bring this up, but you are the parent, and your job is to take care of her- so if she gets upset, she gets upset- she still needs to listen to what you have to say.

This can be a confusing time for many girls- so many things are never going to be the same, and in my own experience, middle school was very difficult for my daughter. I had to learn to be a totally different parent, in a good way. I learned to present myself as more open to her opinions and thoughts, and if I wanted to challenge an opinion, instead of doing it in a lecture-type way, I’ve learned to do it in a kinder, gentler way that she will listen to instead of tune out. This is a delicate art that I don’t think I could have done without guidance from a therapist that I started taking my daughter to. Perhaps this is also what your child needs, I don’t know- but if she is refusing medical help and won’t talk to you, she needs to talk to someone, so giving her that option is something to consider. She might refuse at first, but like I said, you are the parent. She might act like she wants you to leave her alone, but she truly does need guidance at this time in her life.

Well just popping up on his system is a possebility for the smaller downloads (1meg or below) they are most likely viruses that copy themselve at an extreme pace with many different names of actual downloads (so they can easily spread.) for the larger downloads this is not a possibility.

Another possibility is a hacker even with advanced up to date security systems there is a risk of system penetration (no pun intended.) It could be the visiting card of the hacker to leave porn behind. This is not very likely though.

If he downloaded it it could be through various ways: A friend handed him a disk, or visiting a porn site but since you need to pay em it would show up on one of his credit cards if he has any (dunno when you can get credit cards we use a different system here.)

The third most likely way he downloaded it is through a php share program. (among others: Limewire Shareaza Kazaa E-Donkey Morpheus Kazaa-lite) These are easy to use, free, fast and have tons of content on them. You can enable a filter for adult content but it probably isn't fool proof (with spelling as w8 and n@ked or slang as cherry, stick ect.) and he probably knows how to turn it off which is as easy as turning it on.

I do think you should let him know that you know he lied, but be calm he was probably afraid of the concequences (especially since you had a "melt down")

And about those file names there probably incorrect it is easy to change them, I had a file called Janis Joplin - The Rose but it turned out to be Bette Midler I know it ain't the same but it is just an example. And there are people that get a kick out of spreading corrupt/fake/incorrectly named files around.

I think it is important to teach your morals to your son (I'm not saying you haven't already) So talk again about that with him and let him share his opinion aswell.

But don't worry to much though boys are curious especially at that age I know I've watched porn and discussed porn with friends mostly out of curiosity. He probably knows that a movie is prurely for turn on and he knows that girls in real life aren't that easy.

Even if he downloaded this repulsive stuff it is probably because it is more perverse and dirty and therefore it gets him a higher rush (the more something is forbidden the more apealing it becomes) Also some downloads have to do with his darkest fantasies probably (don't worry he won't want to tie up all the girls he knows though it's just a vaguely defined fantasy probably) If there where real f***ed up videos between them he probably be as repulsed as you are.

Banning him from the internet is a bad idea I think. Nowadays teens rely heavily on the internet for social contacts. Also it won't take away the availabillity of porn, he can still watch at a friends house or buy dirty magazines.

And hey he has a girlfriend this will probably keep him in check aswell.

In the end you busted him he probably felt imbarresed so I think you can now let it rest.

uhhh...ok ...whatever...

(I respond in a sarcastic tone while I roll my eyes at this self-richeous and logically incorrect post)