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Topic : Teens and Sex

Number of Replies: 621
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:22:25 pm
Author : dataimport
How do you talk to your teens about sex? Share your story.

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October 2, 2005, 11:26 pm CDT

sms & mms text messages

Hi, 

Love Dr Phil & love these message boards.  Firstly thank you to everyone who contributes.  I will be a regular visitor for lots of sound advice. 

My question is how to handle my 15 1/2 y/o daughter discovering her sexuality.  I'm lucky, she's been fairly immature up to this point but I am now seeing small changes that tell me she has discovered her sexuality and that boys like her body.  She is a voluptious girl and very beautiful, with lots of self esteem & confidence.  However, when it comes to boys, she appears to be grabbing at the attention she has recently been getting. 

Last year I found lurid sms messages she had sent to a boy from her mobile.  We chatted about it and the risk that (a) everyone had access to the message & (b) the perception of herself she was sending out.  She seemed to take this on board but now of course, she is not saving her sent messages.  She recently got a new phone & not really knowing how to set it up, has neglected to delete her sent mms'.  It is a camera phone and I have found 4 or 5 photos she has taken of herself in suggestive poses (all clothes on, just sexy looks, etc) and sent to boys she recently met on school camp. 

My dilemma is...  Do I tell her I have found the messages and simply alert her to me being able to see them or, how do I discuss this with her without alterting her to me being able to see the messages. 

When we bought the phone, it was agreed that both her father & I could and would look at her messages and that she shouldn't consider it a privacy issue.  We do the same thing on the internet, etc.  However, all that seems to have done is encourage her to hide what she is doing.  We talk about most things and I don't believe she has done anything yet...  But I remember what it's like to be 15 and suddenly finding yourself the centre of attention of the boys. 

I'd love to hear from other teenagers on this and anyone else who has the time.  Thanks. 

 
October 4, 2005, 6:39 am CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: viinabragi

 I recognise what you're saying. We have almost the same situation here in Sweden  (about the alcohol I mean). A lot of my friends are getting drunk every 3 week  or so. And it is quite a problem yes. So I think it is really common for a teenager in Sweden to drink alcohol quite often.
 
Hi there,

I just wanted to answer you and say that I'm Swedish too. Teenage drinking is a big problem here, I've been active in the Youth Sober Network (Ungdomens Nykterhets Förbund) and I think that their work is real good. If anyone knows Swedish, you can look at www.unf.se.

Try to see if you can find a UNF or IOGT-NTO house near your town. It's usually lots of fun going there. I'm still a member (anyone in Sweden between 12 and 25 can be a member and I'm 17). To be a part of something like this can keep teens from drinking. I think it's important for parents to know if there are similiar organisations in their country.

Cheers,
Sanna-Terocia.
 
October 6, 2005, 5:39 pm CDT

here to helodap

Quote From: groovy_mom

Check the laws in your state about this type of thing.  I know in our state there is nothing the police can do.  But, maybe he doesn't know this.  Try asking your daughter what would a grown man want with a teenage girl?  (One thing-SEX)  She has nothing to offer him except sex.    

  

I was able to save my niece from this type of relationship by explaining to the "man" that having a record as a sex offender will follow him for the rest of his life.  Maybe that will scare him off. 

  

Good luck! 

  

  

 
October 6, 2005, 5:40 pm CDT

here to help

Quote From: spotted

Age isn't the major problem here (and your daughter is almost an adult anyway--plus some states have different age requirements of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships [in Georgia, that relationship wouldn't be illegal), but if he's really a deadbeat like you're making him out to be, you got to take responsibility and order him to stay away from your daughter.  You can go to the police and do that becuase your daughter is still a minor.  I had a similar situation happen to my sister who got involved with the wrong type of guy, a deadbeat...she moved in with him and got pregnant, now she's back with us.   If it were me, I'd make sure the deadbeat guy doesn't touch my daughter.
hello well as a teen i think that you should  let her tell her side  of the storry and tell your some of the stuff you went trow and tell her that you have to love your self befor you love any one.
 
October 7, 2005, 6:14 am CDT

this is to you groovy Mom

Quote From: groovy_mom

Check the laws in your state about this type of thing.  I know in our state there is nothing the police can do.  But, maybe he doesn't know this.  Try asking your daughter what would a grown man want with a teenage girl?  (One thing-SEX)  She has nothing to offer him except sex.    

  

I was able to save my niece from this type of relationship by explaining to the "man" that having a record as a sex offender will follow him for the rest of his life.  Maybe that will scare him off. 

  

Good luck! 

  

  

Yes there are a lot of deadbeat guys out there, I understand that. But not ALL guys want sex from girls just because they are young. Some guys actually have a heart and thats what this mother needs to find out.  

I am 20 now and my boyfriend is 31. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 28. Yea My dad thought all He wanted from me was sex, but i knew otherwise. This was something special and it definetly has turned out to be. Yes there are a lot of nasty guys out there, trust me I have been sexually assaulted twice and raped twice at a very young age. But as someone said, that mother needs to talk to this man, and allow him to hang around for awhile and she has to set the bounderies. Scope the situation out. But just because someone smokes a lil pot or is older, doesn't mean they are  deadbeat pedophiles.  

Just be aware, be communicative and don't just jump to conclusions. 

 
October 9, 2005, 4:44 pm CDT

I am happy

I am a happy 17 year old mom....i ahve a 8 month old baby i was pregnant at 15 had her at 16 i was scared at first but now i am very happy. It was hard but i dealt with it. I believe if you are old enough to get pregnat then be responsible and raise your kid. I dont believe in abortion (except for special circumstances) and i dont believe if you know what your doing and have sex then you shouldnt give your baby up for adoption. Anyways i just wanted to write this and show some of the "opionated" people out there that there are responsible teenagers.
 
October 10, 2005, 11:25 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: mominnctwo

I am a mother of an 11 year old. I have heard about sex bracelets from a friend. I was needing to know if anyone can tell me what the colors mean. My daughter has just bought her some and its 2 colors. I am needing to know the meaning of the colors so i can tell her if she can wear them or not. She does know about sex some and she says that it is gross. Please help so I can keep her out of trouble.
 first off im 16.  and to parents...please dont thing those jelly bracelets are sex bracelets!  half the kids who wear them have no clue what they mean.  this is another one of those cases that has gotten blown out of proportion by different organizations, local news and other media.  it probably started with a group of kids as a joke and has all of a sudden been turned into something else.  and as soon ass law and order had an episode on it parents freaked.  yes im sure there are people who will go out and wear them because of that but as long as your daughter doesnt then you have nothing to worry about.  anyone remember maddona wearing these?  granted she isnt he best example but no one called them sex bracelets when she wore them.

if you want to find out what the colors mean do a google search, im sure you will find a color guide somewhere.


 
October 13, 2005, 8:25 am CDT

Double standard

I'm the Mother of three kids two step daughter age 15  son age 13 and one foster son age 12.  I have a problem with my husband constituently setting boundaries between the boys and the girl. I have always been very clear with my daughter concerning sexual activity. 

  

 Not allowing her to have male friends in her bedroom for obvious reasons.  While she has occasionally had male friends over in the common areas of my home. Last evening my 13 year old son brought a so "female friend " home with him escorting her to his bedroom. My husband ALLOWED THEM IN HIS BEDROOM  AS LONG AS THE DOOR WAS OPEN.?  

  

 As soon as I laid eyes on this female I knew she was more then a friend!!!!!!!! The way she looked at me STOOD THE HAIR UP ON MY NECK !!!!!!!! I told my husband he was out of line to allow this person to be in my sons bedroom. He said oh she's just a friend!!! 

  

My 15 year old daughter and my 12 year old son informed me that my 13 year old son and this girl had been making out and experimenting sexually. My husband and I had a conversation concerning the sexual misconduct. As you can imagine I was very irritated at the situation. When it was time for the girl to go home, my son asked to walk her home. Apparently she lives just down the street? Well 30 minutes later my husband went after him in the car and supposedly had a conversation concerning sexual boundaries.  

  

After dinner my 13 year old son became very up-set when I told him he was to stay home instead of going to out in the rain to play hackey sack, he replied "thats what rain coats are for" He then asked if he could go inside of a "friends" house. I said no, I think you have alternative motives here and I think you understand what I'm talking about. He became very up set at this point, it was clear to me that he was going to head this girls house, were her parents don't appear to care what she's up to or have no boundaries for her?   

  

My husband was going to drive him to the so called "friends house" saying to me "I think your going a little overboard here you need to talk to Dr Phil. I replied "well maybe you should pay the child support when he gets her knocked up, I'm not going to visit him in the jail for teens when she cries rape" My son got really up set saying to me "shut up" I stormed down the stairs into the garage were he was saying " what did you say"?  

  

He said I told you to "shut up" I said who do you think you are young man? He said I don't know what your so up set about she's just my friend?  

  

I said if you have something to say to me, say it to my face, ya right shes just your friend?  

  

At this point my daughter and I headed to the store, I needed to get out of the house before I rung his neck for being so disrespectful to me. On the way to the store my daughter asked "why can he have girls up in his room "? He told me about the "stuff " they are doing together and Dad is closing his eyes to it?  

  

I think that's unfair I know the standards you have set for me and he should have to follow the same rules. While you were up stairs I got a phone call from a boy I like in school, I told Dad he was my boyfriend. He told me you don't have boyfriends at fifteen? Yet after I told you that my brother is messing around with this girl Dad still lets him be alone with her?  

  

As you can imagine I was listening with great intensity, I told her If their is one thing I wont you to understand that is I WONT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE DOUBLE STANDARD YOUR DAD IS IMPLEMENTING!!!!! I have always applied the same rules across the board with you kids. You kids may thing I'm a b---tch at times but it least I'm consistent when it comes to rules and discipline.  

  

You need to ask your DAD why it's OK for your 13 year old brother to entertain girls in his bedroom? This girl can become pregnant just as easily as you can that's why I got so angry at your brother and Dad. I'm glad you told us about his "messing around" with this girl, don't feel bad about telling on him. It was the right thing to do I don't think you want anything to happen to your brother.  

 

When we got back my daughter posed the question to my husband? He gave a flipped answer about the double standard. He has trouble when she calls him on his actions. It is the age old problem of girls who are sexually active are called Who----e boys who are involved in sexual activity are called STUDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

I think what's good for the goose is good for the gander.  

 

OUTRAGED MOTHER  

  

  

  

  

 
October 13, 2005, 1:42 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: loveyrkids

Hi, 

Love Dr Phil & love these message boards.  Firstly thank you to everyone who contributes.  I will be a regular visitor for lots of sound advice. 

My question is how to handle my 15 1/2 y/o daughter discovering her sexuality.  I'm lucky, she's been fairly immature up to this point but I am now seeing small changes that tell me she has discovered her sexuality and that boys like her body.  She is a voluptious girl and very beautiful, with lots of self esteem & confidence.  However, when it comes to boys, she appears to be grabbing at the attention she has recently been getting. 

Last year I found lurid sms messages she had sent to a boy from her mobile.  We chatted about it and the risk that (a) everyone had access to the message & (b) the perception of herself she was sending out.  She seemed to take this on board but now of course, she is not saving her sent messages.  She recently got a new phone & not really knowing how to set it up, has neglected to delete her sent mms'.  It is a camera phone and I have found 4 or 5 photos she has taken of herself in suggestive poses (all clothes on, just sexy looks, etc) and sent to boys she recently met on school camp. 

My dilemma is...  Do I tell her I have found the messages and simply alert her to me being able to see them or, how do I discuss this with her without alterting her to me being able to see the messages. 

When we bought the phone, it was agreed that both her father & I could and would look at her messages and that she shouldn't consider it a privacy issue.  We do the same thing on the internet, etc.  However, all that seems to have done is encourage her to hide what she is doing.  We talk about most things and I don't believe she has done anything yet...  But I remember what it's like to be 15 and suddenly finding yourself the centre of attention of the boys. 

I'd love to hear from other teenagers on this and anyone else who has the time.  Thanks. 

I'm the Mother of a twenty year old and fifteen year old daughter. I would suggest you be very up front with her, call her on the inappropriateness of her photos. If she continues to correspond in appropriate ways take the phone!!!!! Their are just to many weirdos out their to let this slide!!!!!! 

  

Be vigilant about who she is hanging around what they are doing. My fifteen year old doesn't have a cell phone because it is just to unsecured. Her Internet access is very restricted because she was corresponding with a man posing as a seventeen year old who turned out to be thirty!!!!!!!  

  

My oldest girl was living with her biological Mother at the age of fifteen she started an inappropriate  relationship with a 21 year old man right under her Moms nose!!!!! Her cell phone was like her parental control???? When she ran off with him at 17 she was shipped to our house for the remainder of her childhood. All the talking and explaining what he was didn't work, we went as fare as running a back ground check on him. He has a rap sheet 5 pages long, but none of that mattered on the day of her 18th birthday she left early in the morning meeting him. Ending up pregnant endured 9 months of domestic abuse before getting away from him with her baby.  

  

Predators and certain boys will take advantage of your daughter vulnerability. Praying  on the issue  she is "green" unexperienced. Give her strong firm boundaries as it relates to the Internet, limit her access with parental controls. No matter how much she resist it is really what she needs. Be open about the dangers of experimenting sexually, pregnancy isn't the only threat. Early sexual interactions can have devastating effects on a girls self esteem. If shes not involved in sports or clubs get her involved. She needs to spend time with her Dad so she can get the attention she craves from a male.  

  

THEY DON'T COME WITH HAND BOOKS SO WE HAVE TO EDUCATE OUR SELVES. 

  

 
October 14, 2005, 8:07 pm CDT

some advice to help.

Quote From: flmarijane

Please help me. I am the single mom of a 17 year old girl. The first week of summer a boy down the street came to the house and started talking to her. He told her he was 19, I felt like he was a little too old for her, but she really liked him and all they were doing was talking in the yard at my house or his parents. To make a long story short he isn't 19, he's 23! My 25 year old son found out and went to his parents home and told them to keep this man away from his sister!! My daughter was heart broken, didn't eat or sleep for days. Mad at me, mad at her brother, and mad at the world. He soon disappeared from his parents home and she convinced herself he was living in a box somewhere. This went on for 2 months, Wednesday night on a routine walk she ran into him. He was doing a neighbors yard, he no longer lives with his parents but has moved in with a friend and his mom. There is a reason men aren't suppose to be with young girls, my daughter is so hungry for the attention of the man she won't listen to me anymore. He said things to her a boy can't equal. He made a few attempts to kiss her in the past and always wanted to hug her. The kissing never happened but recently she confided in me she wishes it had.This is a girl I have had no trouble with in the past. At this very moment I don't even know where she is...but I have a good guess. What do I do? This man is not a good influence. Did I add she is a virgin and he isn't. He has no job and gets high....I am so inexperienced in anything like this. Do I just listen to her when she wants to talk but not inter fear? I'm afraid if I stop her, I'll lose her!!!

There's so much to say to you to try to help you out,so ill explain as well as i can. You said that you've never had trouble with your 17 year old daughter, But its probably because she's never got caught.Im 18 years old with a 4 month old baby girl,and i decided to get pregnant to get away from my mom.The reason for that was because she would always be telling me,"get away from him" He's not the one for you."(etc). well She kicked me out, when she found out i was pregnant.Now that im a parent, I do realize that my mom was right, to not have kids because it takes you away from your life and its now hard to go to college and everything,My life was all planned out.But you see you have to learn from your mistakes,and it seems that thats how everyone learns these days.I always told myself." No-one can stop me from the one I love."Nothing will get in my way to see the one I love".So nothing stopped me.Now that im here, its tough.If my mom would of let me see the one that i love,i would have not planned to have a child.Im not trying to compare my problems to yours,But my point is,is that If my mom would have never told me   to stay away from the one i love,it would have never pushed me to get pregnant.So now heres my advice.You said that you dont know where she is at the very moment.But try to get this guy out of her mind,Let her friends come and stay.if she dosent have a car tell her "hey,do you want me to take your friends to the movies,ill give everyone a ride".Then when shes out in public without him, she'll start recognizing other guys,and maybe start talking to someone else.If my mom would have offered more i would of had fun with my friends, instead of always thinking,"im going to sneak out tonight to go see him".Do what you can to get him out of her mind.But trust me grounding her, or bringing him up,might make her even more mad,and trust me,It'll push her to do something very stupid.I went through it all,now i have a precious baby girl,But i wish i would have waited.So i do wish i listened to my mom,but then it also made me so mad,that i didnt want to listen to her at all,because i  was in "love". 

 
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