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Topic : Teens and Sex

Number of Replies: 621
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:22:25 pm
Author : dataimport
How do you talk to your teens about sex? Share your story.

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October 14, 2005, 8:25 pm CDT

I agree

Quote From: nortiz_55

 I am a seventeen year old mother. I am posting today to urge all parents not to ignore any and all signs of your son or daughter being sexually active. I struggle everyday wondering how did I get here? Even though my son is  the biggest blessing in my life, I wonder what my life would be like if my parents would have put a stop to what and where I was going in my life. I was dating a man that was 23 years old when I was only 15. And well I got pregnant two months later. I was off doing drugs and anything else you could ever imagine. But my little boy is what saved my life. So I just hope that all you parents out there really understand that by you ignoring any signs can put them in my shoes- a teenage mom raising a son by myself, struggling everyday. I wonder what my life would be like if my parents would have done something to prevent me from chosing the wrong road in life! I've been wanting to get my story out there to reach teens and parents and make them understand sex is such a big responsibility. You have to be ready to take the consequences that comes with sex. Alot of teens are lucky they didn't get pregnant, but for those of us who did, we must take responsability for our actions. I hope I did some good in writting this.  

                                                                                                                                       Thank you- 

Im 18 years old with a 4 month old baby girl! I do agree with what your saying it is a very big responsibility.I think at like age 15 all parents should take there child and put them on birth control,just for there sake in a responsibility like this.Its very tough,and i should have thought about it, but i always thought"ill never get pregnant,it wont happen to me". I enjoy her very much,But i felt like i was never a teen,i jumped from child to adult in 10 months,And its tough.If your a teen thats sexually active,take our advice.It'll make a difference!! 

 
October 15, 2005, 7:09 pm CDT

teen son looking at porn

my son is 14. i just looked up his online activities and saw that he's been on porn web sites. lots of them! he's always been a pretty good kid, doesn't give me much trouble, but i guess he's been trying to fly under my radar. i've always talked to him about sex, but not in too much detail. i certainly don't want him to learn about it that way! what do i do? no more computer for sure, but i can't even begin to think of what to say to him about it. i don't get in a rage and fly off the handle. i just get so damn depressed.  has anyone else dealt with this or have any advice?
 
October 16, 2005, 7:55 pm CDT

Teens, Pornography and reality

 I need a little help here. Let me first lay out the situation. I have 2 teenage boys(16 & 13) who live with their mother. I see them often now and if you average it over the years I have been very involved, missing very few opportunities to be with them.  My intent is NOT to bash their mother here Please keep that in mind.  

The divorce was nasty and there have been flare ups but it was over 10 years ago. She had an addiction problem. She has been in recovery for years. There is no man in the house at this time and there really has never been one. Both boys have become involved with internet porn. They are not obsessed with it because they have other interests, but it is a problem. (IMHO). They also admit that it is a problem, but they also think that boys’ looking at pornography is normal. I can’t say that I totally disagree. I had a Penthouse magazine or two when was a teen, but it more a question of magnitude. I am not stupid enough to say its art, cut me a break. Sexuality is all around and it bombards our children. They can’t get a way from it even when they want too. 

Here is the basic premise. The 16 yo has internet connectivity to his PC the 13 yo does not. But there is nothing though stops them from put tin porn on the PC by way of other media which is easy enogh to get. They are arguing that what they have has not been added to since I originally found it last year and erased. I have checked the create and modified date on the files and they seem to be telling the truth. It they say to me if I get rid of it they can just get more. So rather than clean it all up I should just put blocking software on the PC so they can’t search the porn on the net. They say this will keep them safe from Deviant stuff. IN the mean time I am having frank conversations with them @ Sex and sexual activity. What is real and what is sex “Product” and deviant. How this stuff can make real relationships with real women very difficult. This is difficult. I can’t make it go away. I have to give them tools to live with it and process it? It is not comfortable but I can’t seem to find another way that will realistically deal with it. Please provide me with a reality check? 

  

 
October 17, 2005, 3:25 pm CDT

i wouldn't be too worried

Quote From: bacohen8

 I need a little help here. Let me first lay out the situation. I have 2 teenage boys(16 & 13) who live with their mother. I see them often now and if you average it over the years I have been very involved, missing very few opportunities to be with them.  My intent is NOT to bash their mother here Please keep that in mind.  

The divorce was nasty and there have been flare ups but it was over 10 years ago. She had an addiction problem. She has been in recovery for years. There is no man in the house at this time and there really has never been one. Both boys have become involved with internet porn. They are not obsessed with it because they have other interests, but it is a problem. (IMHO). They also admit that it is a problem, but they also think that boys’ looking at pornography is normal. I can’t say that I totally disagree. I had a Penthouse magazine or two when was a teen, but it more a question of magnitude. I am not stupid enough to say its art, cut me a break. Sexuality is all around and it bombards our children. They can’t get a way from it even when they want too. 

Here is the basic premise. The 16 yo has internet connectivity to his PC the 13 yo does not. But there is nothing though stops them from put tin porn on the PC by way of other media which is easy enogh to get. They are arguing that what they have has not been added to since I originally found it last year and erased. I have checked the create and modified date on the files and they seem to be telling the truth. It they say to me if I get rid of it they can just get more. So rather than clean it all up I should just put blocking software on the PC so they can’t search the porn on the net. They say this will keep them safe from Deviant stuff. IN the mean time I am having frank conversations with them @ Sex and sexual activity. What is real and what is sex “Product” and deviant. How this stuff can make real relationships with real women very difficult. This is difficult. I can’t make it go away. I have to give them tools to live with it and process it? It is not comfortable but I can’t seem to find another way that will realistically deal with it. Please provide me with a reality check? 

  

I don't know if you'll want to hear this from me, because I'm not a parent, nor am I an adult.  But I live in the high school world, and I wouldn't worry too much about the porn.  If they're looking at it on the computer, it pretty much means they're not having sex with anyone.  If they were, they wouldn't need the porn.
 
October 17, 2005, 6:28 pm CDT

You really missed the point!!

Quote From: prettypain

I don't know if you'll want to hear this from me, because I'm not a parent, nor am I an adult.  But I live in the high school world, and I wouldn't worry too much about the porn.  If they're looking at it on the computer, it pretty much means they're not having sex with anyone.  If they were, they wouldn't need the porn.
 Yes I am glad they are not having sex, but what is happening to them and their ideas about women is being poluted. Take a hypothetical situation. Suppose they start to gravitate toward S & M sites. They will become programmed that this is what they like and then all women like this. They will never be able to have a normal relationship. Suppose they become fixated on Big Boobs, they will never give a woman with out Big boobs a chance. Women come in all sizes and shapes. They need to learn that women are people not a collection of body parts that are used for getting off. This is not something that a Teen ager should be answering, Why in the world are you even bothering to read this??
 
October 18, 2005, 9:08 am CDT

teen with low self esteem , experimenting

My daughters are 15 and 13, my 15 year old is constantly having to ask boys if they think she is pretty, or putting herself down in hopes that they will say the opposite.  She has also been lying alot about stupid things, like what she did for the summer or about drinking, sex, volleyball, boys.  I have gotten on to her MSN messenger and tagged stuff and found out that she has done stuff with boys sexually.  I have had talks with her before and actually taken her to the doctor because I found out she was with a boy in a sexually compromising way.  She said they did not have intercourse, just oral sex.  She often states to the boys on msn that she will do anything to get them to tell her things or date her.  This behavior scares me to death.  I have talked to her before and she assures me that she understands what i am saying and that I am right. Then she goes and does this stuff.  The boy that she hung out with at a home of parents that were home at the time and have parties for the kids, so they won't be out drinking, she has aslo been with his brother in a compromising way.  Please give me some advice as to what I should do!  I am very concerned and worried.
 
October 19, 2005, 9:58 am CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: bacohen8

 Yes I am glad they are not having sex, but what is happening to them and their ideas about women is being poluted. Take a hypothetical situation. Suppose they start to gravitate toward S & M sites. They will become programmed that this is what they like and then all women like this. They will never be able to have a normal relationship. Suppose they become fixated on Big Boobs, they will never give a woman with out Big boobs a chance. Women come in all sizes and shapes. They need to learn that women are people not a collection of body parts that are used for getting off. This is not something that a Teen ager should be answering, Why in the world are you even bothering to read this??

Well I think it is something thaty a teenager should be answering aswell 'cause it is still a two sided story here, and that a reply by a teenager will give you insite in why they look at it. 

  

Unlike children only condemming it and punnishing it maybe will NOT work. That has to do with the nature of teenagers. Teenagers are in general somewhat rebellious towards authority because they are inventing themselves. 

  

I myself wouldn't be as worried about the porn, I know from personal and my friends experience that looking at porn is not as much about the sex but much more about curiosity about what sex can be. What you should talk to them about it and make sure they keep perspective and know it is a film made to generate sales (like you make sure they know that an action movie is cool onscreen but you shouldn't walk into a building and kill every one there.) 

  

Then when you talk about it make sure you speak to them as equals as adults, even though they are not it will prevent the "I hate authority" mechanism to kick in. 

  

Also keep in mind that if you take the porn away you won't take away their thought and more inportantly their friends. I know for sure that many boys who have an internet connection will at one time have looked at porn out of curiosity, at school we talked about it quite a number of times. 

  

And if their interrest will shift towards (BD)SM it will probably where there interrests lie not because they have seen porn. I for one like redheads more then other haircollors that doesn't mean I have seen only movies with red-heads in them. And even if they look at BDSM that doesn't mean they will want it themselves, porn can be the visiualization of a "dark" fantasy you wouldn't dare dreaming of acting out for real. 

  

And I'll make it more shocking, children as young as 10y old will talk about sex with their friends, not about having it but more in the likes of YOU SAID BL*WJ*B!! gighel gighel they will not know what most of those words will mean but the'll use em anyway.  

  

That means that sex education has to start not later then twelve because it is much easier to write on a clean sheet of paper then a full one. And remember that the smallest gestures can make a profound impact, I remember that when my dad talked about sex with me he closed the curtains, for him it was because it was getting dark my interpretation at the time was on the other hand that it was something that you shouldn't be seen talking about. And it made a profound impact 'cause it is the only thing I can remember from that conversation. 

  

Remember also that you shouldn't only tell the nagative sides of sex! CHILDREN ARE NOT STUPID!!! They know that there is a multi billion dollar porn industry  and know that if sex only had negative sides to it that there wouldn't be a porn industry at all. So also talk about the positive sides of sex and of course don't forget to talk about the condom (and the pill for girls better to safe then sorry) This will also take out the being bad if you have sex side because if you're a teenager bad often equals cool. 

  

Also remember that the age on which teens have sex for the first time is 16,9 years in the US (study by durex 2004)  so the 16y old is actually at the age of having sex be glad he's only looking at it. And hey perhaps he even learns from it (how to keep it interresting for instance) in a recent television show in the Neterlands in which teens (though the teens came not from the Netherlands originally) said they looked at porn just to learn new positions and so. 

  

I know that it isn't what you want to hear but it is the truth, sex is just a part of growing up and porn just fufills the teens needs to be educated about the subject. 

 
October 19, 2005, 10:32 am CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: wynative

My daughters are 15 and 13, my 15 year old is constantly having to ask boys if they think she is pretty, or putting herself down in hopes that they will say the opposite.  She has also been lying alot about stupid things, like what she did for the summer or about drinking, sex, volleyball, boys.  I have gotten on to her MSN messenger and tagged stuff and found out that she has done stuff with boys sexually.  I have had talks with her before and actually taken her to the doctor because I found out she was with a boy in a sexually compromising way.  She said they did not have intercourse, just oral sex.  She often states to the boys on msn that she will do anything to get them to tell her things or date her.  This behavior scares me to death.  I have talked to her before and she assures me that she understands what i am saying and that I am right. Then she goes and does this stuff.  The boy that she hung out with at a home of parents that were home at the time and have parties for the kids, so they won't be out drinking, she has aslo been with his brother in a compromising way.  Please give me some advice as to what I should do!  I am very concerned and worried.

Though I don't know you're daughter, by you're discription it seems as if you're daughter has another problem then being sexually active, I think she has a low self asteem and tries to make up for that by being 'cool' in any way possible and sex has been made cool in todays world. 

  

because if she would be just sexually active she wouldn't be asking boys if she is pretty, she wouldn't be lying about the other things you named either (at least not a lot, spicing thing up is quite common between teens) 

  

I think that the situation that you're daughter MIGHT be in is quite dangerous because she MIGHT do a lot of things just to get the attention and to feel pretty which won't work ofcourse. 

  

But I can't give much advice because you first need to ask yourself if she has sexual contact with lots of boys just to get attention or just with one boyfriend, because even though fifteen is quite young to have sex for the first time it is not uncommon. 

  

Also you will need to asses how much she lies about those things, is it on a dayly basis or just once a while to spice up her stories. and to whom does she "lie" (and more importantly to how many, she might just want to impress a boy) and are there :P smilies with that message indicating she tells it for fun.  

  

Maybe you wan't to ask her about her selfasteem but be carefull if you ask it to directly she'll just say everything is fine, ask her lot's of questions on which you can base what kind of self image she has. (e.g. how went Volleyball today? if she answers with fine or bad and the likes ask "What did you do" or "How did you do") if she answers with small answers you won't get any wiser "provoke" her to give longer answers. Also make sure she doesn't get the feeling something's up so make sure you don't ask to much more questions then you are used to. 

  

And again as I said in the last post make sure you talk to her in an adult way because she'll say anything if you get of her back sort to speak. (nothing personal it's just how teens work.) Also talk to her that she shouldn't be to careless when it comes to sex because before you know it your known as a slut which I'm sure she's not. 

 
October 20, 2005, 12:44 pm CDT

sex at 13

ok what do I do now. Found out that my daughter had sex with her "boyfriend" when she was 12 and another time a couple of monthes later, she is now 13.  I found out by a journal that I had found in her room.  We talked and she said she would never do it again.  LOL ya right.  People I have talked to said get her on birth control some said don't let her see her boyfriend ever again (been together for over a year) I have not banned her from seeing him cause I think that will make it worse.  I watch them like a hawk when he comes over to our house, no going up to her room etc. it's gotten to the point I don't even feel I can go the bathroom when he is here.  Should I just not let him comeover anymore, I also found out (after) I talked to his parents about what was going on-they don't watch them as much as they should at his house. Any advise
 
October 20, 2005, 2:18 pm CDT

Teens and Sex

Quote From: justmom

ok what do I do now. Found out that my daughter had sex with her "boyfriend" when she was 12 and another time a couple of monthes later, she is now 13.  I found out by a journal that I had found in her room.  We talked and she said she would never do it again.  LOL ya right.  People I have talked to said get her on birth control some said don't let her see her boyfriend ever again (been together for over a year) I have not banned her from seeing him cause I think that will make it worse.  I watch them like a hawk when he comes over to our house, no going up to her room etc. it's gotten to the point I don't even feel I can go the bathroom when he is here.  Should I just not let him comeover anymore, I also found out (after) I talked to his parents about what was going on-they don't watch them as much as they should at his house. Any advise

Well birth control would at this point give the wrong impression I think, more or less you would say go ahead and do it, it also doesn't protect against HIV and other STD's so it is not an ideal solution. But do do the education talk with her about the pleasures of sex when you should begin with it and that you should always where protection and why. 

  

Now about the boy: What you should do is indeed let them only come over to your house because there you know they won't have sex. and you indeed watch them but don't let em know you watch them read a book, cook or something even though you then won't be able to see them for a hunderd percent you know that nothing will go on. You can also leave the room for a few seconds or a minute because boys are quick but not thát quick. 

  

If they kiss it is not a problem, kissing and boyfriends starts around 13y (based on the experience from me and my surroundings)  

  

Then also talk (at a different time let's say a week apart over the time she had had sex) Then also talk to her in an adult way and give VALID arguments why you think she should wait with having sex (and don't say till she's married because that is a utopia) and why it is a really special thing. but do not forget to hear her side of the story why she did it but also how it felt. And let her talk till she's finished, this wil make her more open towards your arguments.  

  

And make sure that you take the time for the conversation, sit down with her and make sure she understands where you are going to talk aboutand why (express your concerns towards her) hear her side first and when she is finished you give her your side but all in a calm manner so she wont think "whatever" and at the end of the conversation make sure she knows it's the end (but dont cut the conversation short) and continue with whatever you are doing. 

  

Again back to the boy: 

How old is he? I mean an age difference between 13 and 16 would be a huge age difference, while 14 and 17 might be alright. I say this because 16 and 17 year old are emotionally ready to have sex a 13 or 14 year ol does not but a 14 year old has a better defense against pushy boys. Remember that when your in puberty your body makes rapid changes so a year makes a lot of difference. So if there is a large age difference you might want to confront that boy why he goes out with such a young girl. I myself wouldn't go out (at age 16)with a girl who was more than two years younger or older, because age is a lot of difference in puberty. At age 17 it became 3 years older younger and at the moment it still is (no I'm not a parent though an adult but I do have a strong opinion on matters like this) 

 
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