Topic : Troubled Teens

Saw the  show with the family with boy who was alway drunk and in trouble I was impressed with

Dr. Phil's responce I've also seen a show on Dateline with a family  who's boy had trets sydrome

and was causing all kinds of problems.  I have a teen boy with schzoeffective disorder and is very

high maintanace. One thing stand out with the TV shows and what I also have found.

SOMETIMES parents create their own "monsters"   My son may have problems but he has never been allowed to be Disrespectful or swear or be physicaly violent   being the nice guy in all things

is not what the child needs or want.  I can't count how many times I've responded to the situation in

a manner that was  not expected  and his response has been ammazing.  He want to know there are

bounderies and expations.      S

I am a parent of two teens. My daughter is a wonderfully bright fun active 15 year old. Then there is my son. He has recenly (3 weeks ago) decided that he likes living on the street rather than being at home. I can't even begin to explain how I am feeling. Depressed, scared, lonely, desperate, confused, angry, and most of all ALONE. My spouse, I have been with him 10 years but with the last five being very sketchy. He will not even deal with my son, not one bit. My son has broken into his house and stolen from him. I know that is totally unacceptable and that my son should suffer consequences... but to be written off? Thrown away like trash? I just don't think that is right. I don't know where to turn. My son has been diagnosed with general depression. The psychiatrist prescribed medication, when I called them to tell them that my son was going down, they have not returned my calls. The police might go get him and bring him home, but I can't make him stay. Can anyone please tell me what I can do next? I can't just go on with my life as if nothing is wrong. That is what most people are telling me to do. Just sit back, the kid made his choice... To me that is just about the craziest thing I have ever heard. He is sixteen. not 26 or 36. 16. a boy, not a man. This just isn't right. I am going right out of my mind. All I want to do is drink. It is a struggle every day to smile at my daughter and love her. I feel cheated and worn out. Tired. If anyone at all has anything to offer, please please please... write to me.   

I am not sure if what I say can help or not, yet maybe it can give you some insight.   

I am 35 now, but when I was your son's age, I was doing some very similar things.  Now, there are gender differences, as I am female, yet the concept is the same I believe.   

In general, boys act out with anger and things that tend to dismiss those that love them.  I did the same sort of thing yet I did it with a vengeance.  I was involved in drugs and alcohol, I found that the people I hung around seemed to identify with me and they listened.  I had a brother who was the "favored" one, he was never in trouble, so he would get the praise and I would get the snub, so to speak.   

It sounds as if you are not afraid to tell your son you love him. It is hard to face this sort of situation without co-parent support.  If you do not have that, look to places such as this, as people here really listen and care.  I don't usually post on this board, yet something told me to come here today. 

When I was 15/16, someone sitting down and being real with me would have reached me.  I wanted someone to see that what I felt, what I dreamed about, and my goals were important.  I also wanted the drugs and alcohol.  I too was diagnosed with depression and medication was prescribed.  Funny thing is I tried to use that medication to kill myself.  I took a handful of Elavil and slept solid for 3 days.  Nobody knew what I had done.  I think the irony there is my real problem was the drugs and alcohol.  Nobody wanted to address this, or admit this could be a problem for me.   

You have a choice.  Try meeting your son on his level.  Invite him over for dinner with no consequences, no lectures.  Commit yourself to listening.  He may be willing to tell you what will reach him, if you really listen.  If this does not work, then maybe you need to involve yourself with one of the teen programs where they have lock-down treatment.  It sounds very likely if he is breaking into homes, then he is involved with drugs.  If this is the case, you owe it to him as his parent to get him into treatment.  You always have the option of having him arrested and tested.  Often times prosecuting attorneys will work with the parent in a juvenile case.  He is on the edge of manhood, yet still has the child within him, and as long as he is doing things that arrest his maturity, he will remain thus.   

I will pray for you.  Your daughter needs your love and attention, and you owe it to her to not drink, but to be involved.  I know it can be draining, I really do know and identify with this, yet, you have two children who need you.  One is trying hard to get your attention with positive behavior and one is desperately trying to get your attention with negative behavior.  Be loving, give attention even when you are tired.  Quite often it is the child that exhibits negative behavior that gets all of the attention, and this is not a good deal.  It creates resentments.  Are your children close to each other at all? 

Get some phone numbers, look for support groups in your area, and visit the message boards often.  You are not failing, yet there is a reason your son has gotten where he is.  It is your job as his parent to try to reach him.  You are right, it is crazy to write him off, and you need to trust your heart with this.  You have the right idea, now you just need the support to take the right actions.   

Good luck... 

Teri 

I am a 39 year old parent of 3. Our oldest is 19 and was recently married. Our youngest is 12 and loves school. Our son is 15, and has been diagnosed with O.D.D., and has been in 4 inpatient facilities, and also has gone thru outpatient tx. He is very defiant when it comes to any kind of authority, regardless of who you are. He has ran away from home 2 times in 2004, and also walked off school campus when he was suppose to be there for after school detention. We had a fins petition filed against us because he had missed so many days of school due to suspension. He spent Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2004 in juvenile detention, until he went to inpatient tx. We brought him home on June 30th 2005, and now we are dealing with the side effects of the meds they were giving him for his behavior. Today was his first day back to school, with him being enrolled in a home bound program, where he only goes for 2 hours a day, until the side effects are gone. So I had gotten some spelling and language books to help him to try and get caught up, I got the same response that I always get, "I am not going to do it." and then he has been threating us with I will just walk out. How can I avoid all of this confirntation? And why is it that I always seem to be the one that is always on the phone with drs., schools, and I am the one that is getting treated so poorly. Everyone always says that he is so goodlooking, and so sweet, that they can not imagine that all of this is going on. I am at my wits end. And I am also at the verge of saying to heck with it, and letting him know how it feels to be treated like a door mat. If anyone has any advice I would love to chat with you about this, I know that I am not the only parent who is going through this...  

When I was a teen and a young adult I would cut.  Cutting is a sign of much more serious problems, yet often it has nothing to do with a desire to commit suicide.   

There are many resources out there that can educate you on why your daughter cuts.  I found an article in Ann Landers when I was 20 years old and it had a number in it.  1-800 DON'T CUT.  I called it and got information about why I was doing what I was doing.  This empowered me to stop it.   

I learned that previous sexual abuse in my life was a big fuel for my self injury.  (self injury is a good buzzword for searches, by the way. )  I also learned there was a cycle of hurting myself on the outside so the pain on the inside made sense.  As I would watch my body heal I found I would feel better on the inside for a short time.  This was a cycle I followed for years, until I realized I needed to heal on the inside first, then the cutting would no longer be needed.   

The hardest part of this is I found that my daughter was cutting at the age of 12.  Her dad and I are divorced and she lives with him 160 miles away.  Without getting into a long story, she admitted to me that she does.  I told her about my experience.  I asked if there had been any sexual abuse or any sexual contact and she assured me there was not.  We talked about it a great deal and even though her fuel is different, the end goal is the same...healing.  So, we created our own "therapy", as I cannot afford a psychiatrist.  I have used a lot of links on this website and many others to learn how to give my daughter the tools needed to cope and handle life on life's terms.  The first thing I had to do was become an active member on HER team, HER side, not the parental side.  I had to create a camaraderie that encouraged her to listen to me as a peer, that way she did not shut me out.  I have been able to maintain the status as parent in her eyes, yet she now knows I will not judge her.  I will listen, explore, and try on ideas with her and we can discover together what is OK and what is not.   

There is hope for you and your daughter.  Maybe let her know there are others out there who cut and it doesn't make them bad.  It is a coping mechanism.  Love her, and as far as her mental health status, if you help her deal with the issues, I am willing to bet the other things will mellow out.  They did for me. 

Teri 

I have not experienced what you are going through.  I have no idea what to suggest, yet I want you to know my prayers and thoughts are with you.  I cannot imagine what it must be like for you, yet I am sure you are doing the best you can with what tools you have.  I hope somehow you can obtain more tools.... 

Teri 

Yes, mom...its going to take alot of time and money!! Is your daughter on medication for her depression? Is her therepist aware of your daughter's attempt to get pregnant? Thats what she's doing...she has low self esteem, and she thinks that if she gets pregnant, her boyfriend won't leave her...which is very flawed thinking. She sounds desperate for your time. Its time to take her home. You need to know where she is every hour of every day and what she is doing. Stop blaming yourself and start taking action. Kids can't raise themselves, teens definatly can't raise themselves, even though they think they know what they want. She is displaying self destructive behavior by having unprotected sex, and thats because she doesn't think she is worthy of having a healthy and happy life. You might want to find an alternative therepist, someone who specializes in teens and self destructive behavior, not just depression, because there should be some results from her therepy by now. Sometimes, a person and their therepist just don't "click", and that might be what is happening with your daughter. Ask her. This is going to harder before it gets easier!