Topic : Troubled Teens

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but oh well... I'm 14 years old and I'm depressed!  First of all, I can't stand my family, especially my sister and brother.  I hate them more than anything in this world.  I had no idea I could have SO much hate for two people. My sister.. she gets on my every damn nerve. I can't stand her, I even called the police on her, she hits me like I’m some toy!  When she moves out, it'll probably be the happiest day of my life. And my brother... I don't even know where to start. We used to get along but then he completely changed.  He yelled, cussed, hit my mom and everyone else in the family.  On my dad's birthday, my sister and brother got into a fight and my brother suddenly just snapped, he kept threatening to commit suicide.  My sister had to hold him and calm him down.  While my brother was having his "breakdown" he kept saying how all his friends ditched him and they all make fun of him and throw stuff at him during lunch. Well, even though I didn't care for my brother anymore I wasn't going to let him kill himself, so I tried calming him down, well that surely didn't work so I called my mom from work.. when she got home she yelled at me like it was my fault and pushed me out of the way. Well he finally calmed down and three days later he was hanging out with his "friends" that apparently ditched him and made him want to commit suicide! I seriously could not believe him. When he was having his little "meltdown" I was SO tempted to tell him how my ex-best friend ditched me too and that I've been depressed for years. He lied about everything! First of all, my high school does not serve lunch to students who get out at 12:19pm and my brother gets out of school at 12:19 everyday, so of course he lied about his friends throwing food at him during lunch! He also said he beat up some seniors at the tennis court with some of his friends.. please! He actually admitted he lied about that when we were in the car. All that was back in December of '06 and now.. he's fine.. and I'm not. Ever since that time, he acts like he's the perfect child, every time I disagree with my parents he gets mad at me. Every time I get mad, he tells me to stop giving attitude .. I'm sick of him! I'm not allowed to show any emotion other than HAPPY! YAY! around him. Ugh! Anyway my parents.. well my mom, she's hot and cold with me.   She gets on my nerves 95% of the time but so does the rest of my family! My dad.. ugh! His daily routine is to work all day, get home at ten/eleven, shower, bathroom, watch tv, smoke, drink, eat, smoke, drink, smoke, get drunk, wake me up at 4am on school days, talk to me while I'm trying to figure out what the best way is to tell him to get the heck out of my room so I can get some sleep, cause some chaos, wrecking the house, then goes to bed.  That's pretty much it.  It's a lot I know, I hope no one passed out from reading this, but I really needed to vent.. I just don't know anymore! I hate always getting mad and getting suicidal thoughts stuck in my head!!  I cry myself to sleep every night.  I feel like I have nobody on my side, I've been depressed for too many years, I just want it to end!

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Your home should be a place of peace, somewhere you can feel safe and happy at. Do you have an adult that you trust that you can confide in? Maybe an aunt or uncle, or family friend of your parents? Maybe even a teacher that you feel you could open up to or a Pastor?  It would do you good to be able to open up to someone. If not, keeping a journal would be a good idea.

Are you able to speak to your parents about your feelings? It seems that your dad may be having serious issues and is unable to recognize what you are going through . Maybe your mom....you mentioned that she got on your nerves a lot, is it possible that she is so busy herself with the children and work that she just doesn't realize how troubled you are by the fighting between yourself and your brother and sister? Find a quiet time, even if you have to tell her a few days in advance, but ask her to set some time aside so that you two can speak without interruption. Your mother loves you very much, and if she knew what kind of turmoil you were going through I'm sure she would be concerned.

Please please please, speak to someone IMMEDIATELY if you start having suicidal thoughts. I know things seem so rough when you are 14, I remember all to well what it was like to be a teenager (although it was a few years ago) but THINGS DO GET BETTER.

And you know what? There may come a day when that brother and sister that you hate so much now will not only be someone you CAN stand, but they just might become your best friends. I know it sounds impossible now, and your probably rolling your eyes and saying "no way", but family is really very important. So the best thing you can do right now is to try to get along with them best you can, and if they start to hit you or try to get you to fight, just walk away. Its easier said than done, but you can do it, and then you are being the bigger person.

I'm sorry that you feel alone. This is a great place to post, the people here really are very supportive, so always feel free to vent here.

Tammy

The easy answer is that your daughter is getting/finding something she wants but doesn't get at home.  What that is could be anybody's guess.  The first thing clearly is finding her.  Then have a non-theratening talk with her.  A counselor would be helpful at this point - perhaps a social worker or a psychologist experienced with teens.  If you can't easily find such help, talk with your daughter's school counselor.  Actually, her school counselor may have some good ideas about what may be affecting your daughter now.

I really don't get why her firends and/or their parents aren't helpful.  Certainly one or more of them is likely to know, and at a minimum have a good idea of where she is.  I'd guess also that as she is missing, she is not in school, and that ought to prompt the school attendance officers to get involved as well, although in some places that may not mean much other than blame to you for not getting her to school!

Whatever you do, don't stop until you do find her and until you get some professional help - for her sake as well as your own.  There are a lot of good programs available, often at little or no cost to you, to help her appreciate herself, to give her positive experiences, and to help both of you better live together.

KC, I remember feeling alone and suicidal when I was your age--many, many years ago. I'm so thankful I never acted on those thoughts. You are obviously bright and articulate. Do you have a dream about what you want to do when you reach adulthood? Hold on to those dreams! I hope you will share those dreams in another post. I can tell you have something special to do with your life.

I know you are in pain now, and it seems like it will never end. It must seem that nobody understands what you are going through. How overwhelming! On top of that, you feel that you have to take care of your brother when you are feeling as sad and desperate as he is!

Have you had these feelings before? What helped then? Did you talk to someone? Did you write your feelings as you have done here? (I'm so glad you took that risk!) It must have been puzzling that your brother suddenly got better. That's the way depression works sometimes. You feel really, really bad for a couple of weeks or so, and then you start to feel better--not perfect, but better. It's important when the depression is really bad to remember that  you won't always feel that way. Have you had times when you enjoyed being with your friends or enjoyed doing something that was important to you? Those times will return. I guarantee it! Hang in there, KC! The world needs what you can offer!

It sounds as if your Dad might be an alcoholic. Check this website for Alateen-- http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html  I would love to see you find a group for teens who understand what you are going through.

I wish I had reached out to someone for help when I was your age. It's scary to take that first step to talk to someone, I know. Maybe you can share what you have written here with an adult you trust. Once you finally start to share with someone, it will get easier and eventually feel good to know that you have someone on your side who understands and accepts you.

It might feel at times that your parents don't love you. One of the hard parts of growing up is realizing that your parents might be messing up, but they still love you. Unfortunately, kids don't come with an instruction manual and parents usually end up parenting the way they were parented because that's all they know. Frustrating for you and for them.

Your parents and sibs might think that by telling you to be happy that you will be happy. They don't want you to be sad, but they have no idea how to help. You have already figured out that you can't force yourself to be happy. A smile on the outside doesn't mean you have a smile on the inside. When you wrote this e-mail, you were pissed off--very, very angry and very, very sad. Good for you for expressing those feelings. Feelings are not good or bad; it's what we do with them that is good or bad. All feelings are valuable, even when we don't like the experience. They give us valuable information. When we are angry, it means we don't think our needs or wants are being met. I think you have needs that are not being met. What do you think those needs are? Can you write those needs down? You deserve to have those needs met. I hear a strong young woman in your words. I believe you will have the courage to reach out to a trustworthy adult. (Your friends will want to help, but they will be going through their own stuff. It's great to share with them, but it will be important to find an adult who has training in how to help.)

I wish all the good things for your future that you deserve! Take care. Let us know how you are getting along.