Quote From: kccameronI don't know if this is the right place to post this but oh well... I'm 14 years old and I'm depressed! First of all, I can't stand my family, especially my sister and brother. I hate them more than anything in this world. I had no idea I could have SO much hate for two people. My sister.. she gets on my every damn nerve. I can't stand her, I even called the police on her, she hits me like Im some toy! When she moves out, it'll probably be the happiest day of my life. And my brother... I don't even know where to start. We used to get along but then he completely changed. He yelled, cussed, hit my mom and everyone else in the family. On my dad's birthday, my sister and brother got into a fight and my brother suddenly just snapped, he kept threatening to commit suicide. My sister had to hold him and calm him down. While my brother was having his "breakdown" he kept saying how all his friends ditched him and they all make fun of him and throw stuff at him during lunch. Well, even though I didn't care for my brother anymore I wasn't going to let him kill himself, so I tried calming him down, well that surely didn't work so I called my mom from work.. when she got home she yelled at me like it was my fault and pushed me out of the way. Well he finally calmed down and three days later he was hanging out with his "friends" that apparently ditched him and made him want to commit suicide! I seriously could not believe him. When he was having his little "meltdown" I was SO tempted to tell him how my ex-best friend ditched me too and that I've been depressed for years. He lied about everything! First of all, my high school does not serve lunch to students who get out at 12:19pm and my brother gets out of school at 12:19 everyday, so of course he lied about his friends throwing food at him during lunch! He also said he beat up some seniors at the tennis court with some of his friends.. please! He actually admitted he lied about that when we were in the car. All that was back in December of '06 and now.. he's fine.. and I'm not. Ever since that time, he acts like he's the perfect child, every time I disagree with my parents he gets mad at me. Every time I get mad, he tells me to stop giving attitude .. I'm sick of him! I'm not allowed to show any emotion other than HAPPY! YAY! around him. Ugh! Anyway my parents.. well my mom, she's hot and cold with me. She gets on my nerves 95% of the time but so does the rest of my family! My dad.. ugh! His daily routine is to work all day, get home at ten/eleven, shower, bathroom, watch tv, smoke, drink, eat, smoke, drink, smoke, get drunk, wake me up at 4am on school days, talk to me while I'm trying to figure out what the best way is to tell him to get the heck out of my room so I can get some sleep, cause some chaos, wrecking the house, then goes to bed. That's pretty much it. It's a lot I know, I hope no one passed out from reading this, but I really needed to vent.. I just don't know anymore! I hate always getting mad and getting suicidal thoughts stuck in my head!! I cry myself to sleep every night. I feel like I have nobody on my side, I've been depressed for too many years, I just want it to end!
KC, I remember feeling alone and suicidal when I was your age--many, many years ago. I'm so thankful I never acted on those thoughts. You are obviously bright and articulate. Do you have a dream about what you want to do when you reach adulthood? Hold on to those dreams! I hope you will share those dreams in another post. I can tell you have something special to do with your life.
I know you are in pain now, and it seems like it will never end. It must seem that nobody understands what you are going through. How overwhelming! On top of that, you feel that you have to take care of your brother when you are feeling as sad and desperate as he is!
Have you had these feelings before? What helped then? Did you talk to someone? Did you write your feelings as you have done here? (I'm so glad you took that risk!) It must have been puzzling that your brother suddenly got better. That's the way depression works sometimes. You feel really, really bad for a couple of weeks or so, and then you start to feel better--not perfect, but better. It's important when the depression is really bad to remember that you won't always feel that way. Have you had times when you enjoyed being with your friends or enjoyed doing something that was important to you? Those times will return. I guarantee it! Hang in there, KC! The world needs what you can offer!
It sounds as if your Dad might be an alcoholic. Check this website for Alateen-- http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html I would love to see you find a group for teens who understand what you are going through.
I wish I had reached out to someone for help when I was your age. It's scary to take that first step to talk to someone, I know. Maybe you can share what you have written here with an adult you trust. Once you finally start to share with someone, it will get easier and eventually feel good to know that you have someone on your side who understands and accepts you.
It might feel at times that your parents don't love you. One of the hard parts of growing up is realizing that your parents might be messing up, but they still love you. Unfortunately, kids don't come with an instruction manual and parents usually end up parenting the way they were parented because that's all they know. Frustrating for you and for them.
Your parents and sibs might think that by telling you to be happy that you will be happy. They don't want you to be sad, but they have no idea how to help. You have already figured out that you can't force yourself to be happy. A smile on the outside doesn't mean you have a smile on the inside. When you wrote this e-mail, you were pissed off--very, very angry and very, very sad. Good for you for expressing those feelings. Feelings are not good or bad; it's what we do with them that is good or bad. All feelings are valuable, even when we don't like the experience. They give us valuable information. When we are angry, it means we don't think our needs or wants are being met. I think you have needs that are not being met. What do you think those needs are? Can you write those needs down? You deserve to have those needs met. I hear a strong young woman in your words. I believe you will have the courage to reach out to a trustworthy adult. (Your friends will want to help, but they will be going through their own stuff. It's great to share with them, but it will be important to find an adult who has training in how to help.)
I wish all the good things for your future that you deserve! Take care. Let us know how you are getting along.
