Topic : Troubled Teens

I have a 16 year old daughter. For the past year we have had problems with cutting, smoking, depression and a general lack of self esteem. She crys that she doesn't have any friends and the "friends" that come around all seem to be boys. Last week one of the "friends" overdosed on drugs. He will recover however it has sent her into a tail spin. Her one girlfriend has also stopped calling her. We have cofronted her about drugs. She says she would never do them. But we also confronted her about smoking and she lied. I have taken her to a medical doctor and to therapists. She is not willing to talk with anyone. I don't know what to do. I need some help.

its not uncommon for kids to not be able to find friends at school.  when i was in public school i was mature for my age, and the lack of maturity from my peers made it hard to connect with anyone.  i had a few people that i hung out with, but they werent really friends, more like aquantiences.  right now if your daughter doesnt have any friends she will be getting that attention from boys.  it would be different if she simply got along with guys better, but if shes having sex with them then things will get complicated.

while therapists do good work, i dont blame your daughter for not wanting to talk to them.  i gaurantee your daughter knows that you want whats best for her but she is probably thinking that these people dont care, they dont know her, and they arent family.  the best advice i can give is to talk to your daughter every day, get to know her, get to know whats going on in her head.  you cant expect her to sit down and talk with a therapist until she feels comfortable talking to her mother first.

good luck, i hope you and your daughter see happier days soon.

I would be very concerned, also. Its not natural for her to only have friends who are boys, and that could be a sign of other issues. You say that you've taken her to dr.s and therepists, but she won't talk to anyone... keep taking her! You have to. You can't just let  things stay like this, and guess what? These things do no resolve themselves. You need to reach out for her and be her advocate, because she can't do it for herself. Find a therepist that specializes in teen issues, make appt.s for once a week, and keep going. Let your daughter know that she is going to have to go until she starts making progress- no if, ands, or buts about it. Take control, mom!! Of course we would love to think that our teens tell us the truth, but they don't! They tell us what we want to hear. Don't fall for it. She is lying to you. If you dont' take control of this situation, it will get worse... you need to do something now before its too late. Don't hesitate to ask for help and to keep asking, its what good parents do for their children, okay? I wish you the best!!

 I don't get it. Why can't your son be with her just because she is a cutter? Depression isn't a virus- its not contagious. I don't understand why parents make everything so much harder by taking away teenager's support system. As much as parents would like the world to be perfectly easy on us it isn't so let us lean on eachother to get through the hard times. There have been times that talking to a friend was the only thing that kept me from killing myself-  do you want to mess with the precarious balance that your son's girlfriend's depression and risk tipping the scale? Mabey instead of freaking out and trying to banish her from your son's life you could try getting to know her better and trying to find a way to help her. I know your trying to protect your son but don't inadvertantly hurt her in the process.

I want to let you parents out there know not to 2nd guess yourself. I have been working with my 17 year old son, after his breakup, with depression. He is very well liked by his peers, teachers, coworkers, etc. but got with a girl that did/does drugs. He started doing them too, which does not help his depression. He has now been in a hosptial twice within the last 3 weeks due to depression and drugs. We have a open communication, but I thought it was "all" open communication. I have found that he is telling me what he is doing, but not to the extent of how much (which is a lot). It took me this long to admit and believe that he has changed and he will lie because of his feelings right now. So, all my second guessing has stopped. Believe in your heart, even if it hurts - it will get your teen help faster. 

Hello, 

My 14 year old freshman daughter is the middle of three kids.  I have an older son - a senior in HS, and a younger daughter who is in 7th grade.  My middle daughter has been struggling for the past two years.  At first she began stealing.  I didn't recognize her problem as depression.  It was and is still a reluctance to work and earn rewards.  She explains to her counselors that she just wants to have fun and she hates work.  At the same time, her grades fell dramatically.  She was always an A-B student and now she is a C-D student.  She does most of her assignments well, but fails nearly all her tests.  I took her to Sylvan to check for a learning disability or to help provide assistance, but they said she is very bright and capable and has no disability.  After the stealing stopped, she began cutting and did so for about a year.  She stopped participating in all her extra curricular activities and has no interests or goals.  There is no abuse or dramatic events and we are a pretty average solid family - married and middle class.  We don't have any issues financially, addictive, or emotional.  My husband and I are happy and love our kids and provide all the opportunities we can for them.  If anything, we probably have done too much for them. 

  

We went to two psychologists during this time.   She was placed on antidepressants and has quit cutting, but not stopped with her depression symptoms.  I fear for her recovery and future.  This appears to be a long journey ahead of us. 

  

My key issues that I could use advice on are these: 

1) My daughter has admitted to teachers and doctors that she has contemplated suicide and she is glad to receive the help.  But when she goes to the counselors, she will not talk to them and lies to them to "get it over with."  The last doctor told us she didn't see the point in continuing.  But my daugher is on antidepressants and her grades and apathy continue.    It doesn't seem like a reasonable response.  How do you help someone who won't accept or participate in the help?   

  

2)  My daughter does not act overtly depressed.  Despite her grades, lying, stealing and lack of participation, she is charming, outgoing, witty and attracts people to her to be a friend.  They are interested in the comedy and drama she creates.  She is good at lying and it is hard to determine that she is lying.  An example is that she told me she was on a sports team.  I verified that she was with the coach.  For two weeks, she was skipping meets and practices to be with her friends and do other things... none of which seem to be harmful, but she was deceptive.  I was suspicious and called the coach who told me she had not been coming. 

Is it unusual for a person to be depressed and at the same time outgoing and popular?   

Makes it harder for folks to see what is going on underneath. 

  

Thanks so much for your advice. 

Jana 

I just found out my 15 year old daughter has started to cut herself. Her look has changed which I allowed, letting her be herself and I think I made a big mistake and continung to not be a good mother/parenting. She is an honor roll student but at home she is to herself and she has had problems adjusting to so many changes in her life. Her self esteem has hit rock bottom. I am so worried and I have cried all day and havent slept all night. What do I do?  

  

Helpless parent to a beautiful girl who is falling and losing her faith in herself . 

  

Sincerly, 

Shawna 

aka  

lp1028 

Alright.  I have to step in. 

Hello, I am a 14 year old who was once troubled, yadayada, here is what I have to say. 

  

You know what?  I can see why you don't want your son to be with her, you don't want her being dependent on him? 

  

But guess what, you should not have the right to do that.  You can say that you're the parent and it's your decision, but notice I said, "should not." 

  

This topic is touchy for me so I am sorry for letting my emotions rule me, but you really blow me away. 

  

You are going to hurt her, and your son?  Well, should he not be old enough to learn when enough is enough? 

  

You should talk to him about it instead of forbidding it.  Maybe telling at what you think, and then letting him voice his opinion.  That way, maybe your decision to step in will be even better thought through.  Or would that be too much trouble for you? 

  

And yes, like they said "stop freaking out."  It's decisions like this that make those classic outcast movie plots keep coming around. 

My heart goes out to you.  Seeing someone close to you deteriorate is not a great experience. 

  

I really suggest that you talk to her.  Honestly, I don't know what to do for you, so I am going to say take this someplace else, which you are probably doing. 

  

The reason being, you can help her.  Just starting may seem difficult but once you get the ball rolling, everything will fall into place and all it wil take is hard work and trust.  You are her mom, and there is a bond between you two just waiting to come out if it hasn't already.  Emotions should be let out.  They will bring you closer. 

  

In this situation, the most we can give you is support, not advice.  So continue to come here if you like and chart your progress. 

  

This is not easy.  I know because I am a 14 year old girl, nearly 15 and have shared her experience. 

  

My point is, the cause of her decline may not be so simple, technically. 

  

You need to step in, and even if she feels like she doesn't want help, she will later look back and be grateful.  Trust me on this. 

  

If you feel shocked by anything else you hear, or just if you need any resources or support, you can email me.  Good luck.  I have faith that your daughter can be saved.  Good luck. 

soulful_steel   at   comcast.net