Topic : Troubled Teens

I have a son who is 17, his father and myself have been divorced since he was 3. I have always had problems with him since kindergarten. He has been diagnosed with ADHD. He doesn't have a good relationship with his father because he really has never been there for him. Only  when he has been in trouble. Last year he decided that he is grown and left home, he went to live with my sister, her life style is a lot looser than mine, so he felt like with me he was "in jail", and I would have never allowed him to quit school under my roof. My sister is much more open and not as responsible she will allow him to cuss, be disrespectful and really do nothing. She isn't very stable, always from one place to another. I thought he would go there and stay, see how unstable it was and decide that home was a much better place. Not the case, he got involved  with some girl he was seeing over there (which my sister agreed with). The girl was related with my sisters boyfriend. She was only 14. I disagreed with the whole thing so of course my son resents me even more. He got into a big argument with my sister and she kicked him out, he refused to come back home, so the girls father (she has 2 sisters and lives with her father only) allowed my son to live with them!!!  I was so upset with these people to allow such a thing. I went to the home and demanded that my son come home with me, and told this father that he did not have to provide shelter for my son, that he has plenty of family to go to, he just chooses not to. The fathers reply " it's OK he can stay here". I was livid!! the ignorance with some people these days is just shocking. The father has three daughters and he allows this 14 year old to run him. I was told that he allows this girl to do whatever she wants, she hardly ever  goes to school. Well finally the newness ran off and the girl booted my son out. I couldn't get him to come back home of course, so I convinced my sister to take him back in again (i"m not happy about that either") but I know where he is at and can try to convince my sister to make some good choices.  I want to help my son but he just keeps saying the same thing "let me make my on mistakes". I don't know what to do to help him.

My 17 year old daughter has been "dating" an older boy from out of country on the internet for 5 years. He is obviouly very troubled- has a drug problem, is depressed,in trouble with the law, still lives at home with his mom who is just out of rehab and living with an abusive man. We put an end to it 2 years ago, but now they have started up again, and we just found out she had actually invited him to stay with us! She just doesn't get the danger in this, doesn't get that she only knows of him what he tells her- I guess she feels sorry for him, and wants to help him. She comes from a wonderful home, is an honor student, otherwise perfectly happy, well adjusted, well rounded young lady. I blame myself for teaching her to be tolerant and understanding of everyone, but I think this may have back-fired on me. How can we get her to see how dangerous this relationship is. She says she loves him and can't get him off her mind. She has wonderful judgement in all aspects of her life but this one- what can we do to make her see the light? Very worried this lack of judgement will follow her into adulthood and will ruin her otherwise very bright future. I'm afraid she will be doomed to choose men who are just looking to live off her and us.

Well rest assured, he won't be able to just stay as she wishes.  To become a legal immigrant, they have to go thru the proper channels and if they qualify under specific statuses, there's a possibility.  However, the process takes a long time.  If he chooses to arrive under a tourist visa (which I would not allow him to stay at my house) and wants to stay permanently (more than three months), he'd be staying illegally and you can choose to contact USCIS to report him and deport him.

I would be challenging her especially at her age as to defining what specifically she likes about this guy and what she knows as facts about him.  Have her verifiy everything to you to ensure that what he says is legitimate.  If she is completely sincere about him being involved, she should be completely open and working with you for safety reasons.  It also wouldn't hurt to be talking to his mother to find out her version.  You can do this relatively cheap through voice messaging (free on the internet) or Skype which is a call to her phone using your computer.  Also, since she's a minor, I'd be reading everything they're sending to each other and pointing out the flags that concern you.  Hopefully with your analogy, she may start viewing the situation in a different perspective.

I was watching Dr. Phil today (I do every weekday when it's on) and drug addicts and people who are dependent will suck the life and blood out of the people they're around until they're all dry. You have to do your best to protect your daughter and keep her from falling under this man's spell and getting trapped inside of something she can't handle. Try researching about immigration laws, maybe there is some way that this older boy can be deported back to his old country where he can be someone else's problem. If that doesn't work, file a restraining order. 

  

One of the issues here is that she has a motherly instinct towards this older guy and she feels the need to help him and by loving him she thinks that will keep him off drugs and its whole complicated and emotional ordeal, im sure someone else will explain it better. It's about attachment through conflict and struggle and the more she feels sorry for this guy, the more she wants to help him and the more she loves him. 

  

I've never been a big fan of internet dating. I think that there is a lot that can go wrong and a lot of shady and innappropriate characters that can be met online.  Encourage your daughter do date men in the open (face to face) and not over the internet and get to meet them and they're famiy (if you can) first and make sure they have their life on track and can be a positive role model. 

i have a daughter who is 17 years old and is a cutter ,we recentley put her in a treatment facility,because she was found out and now we find out she also has a eating disorder and drinks and drugs we'll she just wrote a letter of accountability and explained how she feels powerful manipulating adults and that she intends to continue drinkinf and druging with her friends ,so we got a court to give legal custody  of her untill she turns twentyone,she is going to be so pissed off but i would rather see her get the help while i can than see her in a coffin or in a orange jump suit,has anyone out there ever dealt with these issues

hello there i do have some experience with these issues you are facing,i have a daughter that is 17 and as i type this she is on her way to alabama to be placed in a treatment facility ie wilderness.work/school she has adhd is a cutter anorexic and drinks is out of control emotionall she is immature and finds greatpleasure in the art of manipulating adults,anyway i have another daughter who just finished the program and she has totally changed she is back in school and has a job she has lost the attitude and the gobs of face paint,she is soft and warm again instead of hard and angry,i felt guilty and freaked out when they came to get her in the middle of the night,and yes she was pissed off. and the're we're alot of tears and feelings of wanting to save her ,from this decision i had made ,i am so glad that i didn't interfere with the process because i have my daughter back and she's happy again and is grateful that we saved her from herself,now i am hoping for the same outcome with my  youngest daughter,she is going to a place called painted rock valley,my other daughte went to a program in  utah,i can get the names for you if you would like,i have to warn you though you need to be really strong and resolved to letteng her go  for awhile,plus it isn't cheap
dori 

Bipolar issues in childhood and adolescence differ drastically from adult onset bipolar.  Before you send your daughter to a residential program I think it would be wise for you to get her evaluated for mental health issues.  If she is bipolar, a residential program for behavior issues is not your answer.  She needs to be medicated.  It can take many month's to regulate those meds....but you will once again see your daughter.  My son onset at age 8 with the illness.  He became extremely unstable; raging for hours, threats to self and others, couldn't sleep, cursed profusely, and his speech was pressed.  All of these behaviors were a result of his instability; not because he was a bad child.  Two websites that I found extremely helpful were the JBRF and CABF sites.  Go to them and read everything they offer on the subject.....then, if you feel your daughter may be bipolar, find a psychiatrist who knows something about the illness in children.  Knowledge will empower you and can make a world of difference for your child.  If you have any specific questions about early onset bipolar, feel free to contact me by email at deechandler1122@yahoo.com.

Mom, Just hold on tight and love your daughter.  I too am lost as to where to turn w/ my daughter who thinks she can save someone else. There are plenty of people telling her that she should and can help this person that she supposedly loves and that this person needs her.  Mine is 16. I tell you this so you are not feeling like you are alone. Your daughter will probably not like you, but get her into counseling, start @ school.  With no insurance maybe they will meet w/ her for more than just school issues. Once a week or more just call and ask. This will, if it hasn't already ,affect her school performance so.....  Even greif counseling, now that the boys mother is gone she is dealing w/ even more emotions than the issue of being the one to save this boy.  In my area they have United Way, which has grief counseling for family's. Check in your area about Al-Anon.  Tough, if your daughter doesn't like it,  but make her go.  Go with her and even if she doesn't speak, she will be hearing the words.  I believe they are very good @ helping to make people become empowered and teach them how to take care of themselves.  Do not allow the phone calls any longer from his family and as far as yours (the aunt), have a nice long sit down chat w/ her and explain how her interefering is making you feel and that you and Dad need her support to help your daughter and what the consequenses (?sp) could end up being for your daughter if she stays in contact w/ him while he chooses this way of life.  Make everyone know that you are in control (even if it does not feel like it alot of the time).  As my husband says to me, you brought that child into the world and if you taught her right from wrong, then it is inside her somewhere.  Hopefully she will hear it, feel it, know it (right from wrong) and the choice she ends up making, will in the end be hers, hopefully it is the right one.  Guide her.  Good luck I hope it works out for your daughter.   

  Please help me my 14 year old daughter has gone to the angry side. I have tried to be a good mother always be there for her in everything. For the last couple of mths she is full of anger & rage for me. She says she  hates me & wishes I was dead. She wants me in no part of her life. How do I handle her rage & anger. SHe is on the computer alot but is secrative about things. please help

Oh boy do I need advice and help.  I have a 16yo adopted son who we adopted at age 6.  He was a cocaine and alcohol exposed child.  He entered the foster care system at the age of 11months after months of neglect.  He went through many foster homes, 2 pre adopt homes who all turned him back over to our state b/c of his behaviors. 

  

Over the years we got used to "M's" rages he was small enough we could basket holdhim until he called down.  Well now he is 16 weighs nearly as much as much as my parnter and I and is taller than both of us.  To make matters worse = I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 7 years ago. 

  

Two weeks ago, I reached the end of my safety rope.  M began to rage when he became grounded from his gameboy as I left his room - he ran after me and punched me 2 times with a closed fist in the head.. I fell forward and hit the door jam.  This terrified our other adopted children.  M then began running through the house turning over furniture and scream.  I got the other 3 children safe in their rooms while my partner attempted to get M on the floor on his stomach and sit on his bottom until his rage ended.  He usually - believe it or not - allows her to do this.  But I was in so much pain from being hit I said I had enough and said I was calling 911 over the objection of my partner.  While on the phone w/ the dispatcher he came and cornered me while onthe phone and began kicking me.  ... he then ran up the stairs put his foot through 2 walls, a door and slammed his bedroom door so hard he ripped part of the door jam off and put a hole in the wall where the door knob would touch the wall. 

  

So when police arrived, about 4 minutes later, it took 4 large officers to handcuff my son.  We immediately gave him his night time medication = zyprexa.  he continued to kick and scream.. then he began to calm down.  As we explained that he has been charged before but found not culpable b/c of his mental age (IQ is about 60-68).  The police decided that detention would not accept him b/c of his mental retardation so the only option was to the ER for a psych eval.   

  

So I followed them to the ER.. by the time he was seen 4 hours later, my son was sound asleep - it was 1am his zyprexa was in full effect and couldn't be arroused enough to answer question.  I thought best at that point since the CDMHP wouldn't find him a harm to himself or others since he was docile and asleep.  We left and agreed to see his psych the next day which took 2 days thanks to my HMO. 

  

So my questions.. anyone in the same boat.  I am even thinking of sending my son to facility that can appropriately handle his mental retardation, mental illness and obvious brain disfunction.  If you know of any facilities that take teen boys with low iq.. please let me know.   

  

I am now terrified of my son and everyday I walk on egg shells hoping to not set him off for fear he will attack me worse next time. 

j