Topic : Troubled Teens
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March 4, 2007, 8:28 pm PST
 Quote From: ricschic I am so sorry...I wish I had a suggestion/solution. I don't. I just wanted you to know that I read this and understand *completely* what you're going through. I've "been there, done that" with my own now 17yo son. I had him admitted 7 times to behavioral centers like what you've described. He did the "self harm" business too. It was all a manipulative ploy on his part to get his own way about things, but still...yes...they DO hurt themselves. I thought after this last admit, he finally had it right. I thought he was on the right track, and we were past the nightmare. I want to say that my son has had NO diagnosis other than clinical depression. He's not ADHD, bi-polar, or anything else. My own opinion is that he's just an angry young man and this is his way of acting out. At least when they're in the "hospital", they can be protected from themselves. They've got special rooms for kids who want to bang their heads against the wall and punch them. My son was doing so well for so long. That's why I thought we finally had it licked. Then he started smoking crack again...and the downward spiral began all over again. All along I had managed to keep the juvenile people AWAY from him. I didn't want them involved. I saw what they did to his best friend, and I wanted no part of them in my son's life. You effectively lose your child to whatever state you live in when the juvenile people take custody. He is THEIR son now...they don't have to ask your permission for squat. My son is now sitting in an ADULT county jail, awaiting his NEXT hearing. He did something wrong...you betcha he did...and now he sits. It's WAY different from a juvenile facility. Like a juvenile facility, I have to call ahead of time to visit. He's over two hours from home, since he had to be in a facility that was licensed by our state to handle the "no sight, no sound" provisions as mandated for a juvenile to be housed in an adult jail. They are trying him as a "youthful offender"...and that means he will get the SAME sentence as an adult. His particular crime carries a sentence of NO LESS than 20 YEARS!! I will say he hurt NO ONE. I'm not condoning what he did in any shape, fashion or form...but to be pushing 40 when he's released is a bit much for the crime he committed, imho. I'm praying that they pead down to where he qualifies to be IN a juvenile detention center!! Right now, I am allowed a 20 minute visit with him...irregardless of how far *I* have to travel to see him. The visit is throught a monitor, and a phone. No contact. I'm not allowed to provide anything for him...except for money on his books to purchase necessities through the jail commissary. $150 bought him some sweats(1 top and 1 bottom)...a pair of socks...t-shirts...bar soap..shampoo...stamps...envelopes...and some Ramen Noodles and cheap beef jerky. For what *I* spent, those items could have been bought at Wal Mart for a FRACTION of what they cost through the jail. But they won't let me provide them. If I want to talk to him, it costs me $3.50 a MINUTE...and he has to call collect...NO calling cards allowed. I know there are some that would say "well, he's getting what he deserved". Walk a mile in my shoes before you judge. When I made the trek to visit him, I noticed him shivering..since he was clad in the equivalent of short-sleeved scrubs. That was when I put more money on the books for him, so he could at least stay warm. A mother's heart breaks when her child is cold or hungry. And my child is severly emotionally disturbed, and has been for over 3 years now. This doesn't seem like the thing to do to me for emotionally disturbed people. They're not only punishing the prisoner, they're punishing the family as well. *I* am treated as though I did something wrong. It seems as though people forget they're dealing with CHILDREN here...and though you're legally an adult when you're 18..show me an 18yo that's truly ADULT. Takes a lot longer than that. I'm all about consequences...you do something wrong, there's a consequence for the action. It just seems there has to be a better way. The whole problem seems to stem from insurance companies who stop paying for treatment once the patient is no longer *acute*. They get them in there...get them settled down...and then the insurance yanks the payment. They do this to people suffering from eating disorders, etc. as well. These kids need LONG TERM treatment...they don't need to be shown the door the minute they stabilize. The professionals need to have enough time to get to the bottom of the issue and get it worked through. That takes more time than the insurance company will pay. Again..I'm sorry I have no suggestions for you. But I'd thank my lucky stars that he's in a juvenile detention facility instead of a county jail. Becomes a whole different ball game then. And these are still CHILDREN..people need to remember that. They're acting out...they're doing irresponsbile and bad things, but they're still just kids. Treating them like a grown up isn't going to grow them up. If any good comes out of this, it will be that my son hates where he is enough to never attempt to rob someone again. btw...he didn't use a gun, etc...and he got a grand total of $140. And he's facing being 40yo before he sees the light of day again. I don't think this is appropriate, since I saw a man in court who BEAT two women, landed one of them in the hospital, urinated and spit on the arresting officers, and his if he's sentenced, he'd serve 5 years. Kinda funny..and not the "haha" kind, either. Something wrong with the system. Well, the system where *I* live, anyway. I wish you much luck...I hope your son turns his life around before it's too late. I know if my son could talk to yours, he'd tell him to get his head out of his ass and stop doing the things he's doing. But that's my DRUG FREE son talking right now. Clear up the mind from drugs, and they start thinking rationally again. I hope everything works out for your son. It breaks my heart to see these young people in pain and messing up their lives like this. Trashing their lives. And for what? There is something eating at these kids, and we just can't seem to figure out what it is. I know for my son, I think his dad's death almost 3 years ago played a big part...b/c that's when he first started using drugs. It's no excuse...it's certainly not to excuse away what he's done...but there ARE extenuating factors in ALL of our lives that cause us to do the things we do. Good luck...I wish you the best.... I am so sorry to hear what you are going through with your son. I truly feel your pain! Granted my son is in a mental hospital trying to get stabilized but Juvenile can't wait to get their hands on him to put him back into detention. I know that detention is considerably better than prison...but it's still very hard for our juveniles and somewhat abusive in some cases. It hurts me worse than words can say to have to visit my son when he is in detention. The kids can't even turn their heads to see who walks into the room, they can't talk amongst themselves, they can't read a book unless given permission to do so and they sure can't talk to the staff about their "feelings" because they don't care what they are feeling. The last time my son was in there he needed to see the psychiatrist and they told him he could wait until he did his time and see a doctor on his own time. The assessment that the social worker does on the kids when they come in in order to "better serve their needs" went to everyone including my ex husband and it contained some very private and confidential information! I was sick to find out that my son and I had opened our lives to everyone including my ex and no one told me that they were going to do this. I have since learned my lesson and do not tell them anything personal no matter what. I thought what I was doing was helping my son get some help while he was there and they used it as a weapon against the entire family unit! Thank God my ex has no desire to take my kids from me or he would have had grounds to do so based on this "helpful" assessment. I wish there was something we could do as parents to deal with the treatment issues of our young boys and girls so that the government would stop treating them like they were adults. I don't think I truly grew up until I was almost 30 and had 3 babies! Just because they are considered adults at 18 doesn't mean that they are adults mentally. And to add drugs makes it worse. We so desperately need treatment facilities for our teenagers but because of money, there are very few around. I have spent countless hours looking on the Internet, contacting the Dept of Mental Health at our capital and writing letters to my congressmen and representatives. But NOTHING. Like you said, insurance companies decide just how long a child should be in the hospital and then they dictate when they are "healed". Because of the lack of services for our kids, they are locked up in detention facilities because there is no where else to go. Like the adults....we have an enormous amount of mentally ill prisoners in the prisons because there is nothing out there for them on the streets. Consequently they don't get their mental health needs met very well while incarcerated. As for the family being treated like the offender too........well that's true as well. I don't know how many times I have been to court and the judge and juvenile has made it look as if I condone what my son does and basically they blame me for what he is doing! We can't chain our children up in their rooms! What do they expect us to do with out of control kids? House arrest is okay but when my county only has 3 of them, they tell me that they can only use it for the really bad kids! Plus it costs me $5 a day. Juvenile costs me $10 a day. It's just a vicious circle that I have no answers for right now. All I can say is that we as parents have to keep supporting each other and talk about our issues. No one truly understands how we feel because unless they are in this situation, they don't understand. They have never felt the pain and suffering we endure day after day or the worry and fear. I am here for you to talk to if you ever need to contact me. I am a good listener and know a lot about mental health issues. I am no expert but I have 20 years psychiatric experience and have worked with all ages of kids and adults. I have helped others for years, I just can't help my own son....talk about feeling like a failure! Take care and thanks again. |
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March 5, 2007, 5:44 am PST
Quote From: docpsychrn I am so sorry to hear what you are going through with your son. I truly feel your pain! Granted my son is in a mental hospital trying to get stabilized but Juvenile can't wait to get their hands on him to put him back into detention. I know that detention is considerably better than prison...but it's still very hard for our juveniles and somewhat abusive in some cases. It hurts me worse than words can say to have to visit my son when he is in detention. The kids can't even turn their heads to see who walks into the room, they can't talk amongst themselves, they can't read a book unless given permission to do so and they sure can't talk to the staff about their "feelings" because they don't care what they are feeling. The last time my son was in there he needed to see the psychiatrist and they told him he could wait until he did his time and see a doctor on his own time. The assessment that the social worker does on the kids when they come in in order to "better serve their needs" went to everyone including my ex husband and it contained some very private and confidential information! I was sick to find out that my son and I had opened our lives to everyone including my ex and no one told me that they were going to do this. I have since learned my lesson and do not tell them anything personal no matter what. I thought what I was doing was helping my son get some help while he was there and they used it as a weapon against the entire family unit! Thank God my ex has no desire to take my kids from me or he would have had grounds to do so based on this "helpful" assessment. I wish there was something we could do as parents to deal with the treatment issues of our young boys and girls so that the government would stop treating them like they were adults. I don't think I truly grew up until I was almost 30 and had 3 babies! Just because they are considered adults at 18 doesn't mean that they are adults mentally. And to add drugs makes it worse. We so desperately need treatment facilities for our teenagers but because of money, there are very few around. I have spent countless hours looking on the Internet, contacting the Dept of Mental Health at our capital and writing letters to my congressmen and representatives. But NOTHING. Like you said, insurance companies decide just how long a child should be in the hospital and then they dictate when they are "healed". Because of the lack of services for our kids, they are locked up in detention facilities because there is no where else to go. Like the adults....we have an enormous amount of mentally ill prisoners in the prisons because there is nothing out there for them on the streets. Consequently they don't get their mental health needs met very well while incarcerated. As for the family being treated like the offender too........well that's true as well. I don't know how many times I have been to court and the judge and juvenile has made it look as if I condone what my son does and basically they blame me for what he is doing! We can't chain our children up in their rooms! What do they expect us to do with out of control kids? House arrest is okay but when my county only has 3 of them, they tell me that they can only use it for the really bad kids! Plus it costs me $5 a day. Juvenile costs me $10 a day. It's just a vicious circle that I have no answers for right now. All I can say is that we as parents have to keep supporting each other and talk about our issues. No one truly understands how we feel because unless they are in this situation, they don't understand. They have never felt the pain and suffering we endure day after day or the worry and fear. I am here for you to talk to if you ever need to contact me. I am a good listener and know a lot about mental health issues. I am no expert but I have 20 years psychiatric experience and have worked with all ages of kids and adults. I have helped others for years, I just can't help my own son....talk about feeling like a failure! Take care and thanks again. You are not a failure. It's hard to not feel guilty about what has happened to our children. I know I carry around a trunk-sized baggage of guilt myself. I have reason to feel guilty, however....my husband decided 12 years into our marriage (when my son was 4yo) that he was going to become an intravenous drug addict. I spent 8 years trying to get him clean and sober...and for him to STAY that way. It took me that long to realize there wasn't a single thing that *I* was going to do that would count for anything at all towards his sobriety. By then the damage to the family had been done. I think it affected my son the most. My older two children (both girls ages 23 and 21, respectively) have had a few issues...one has OCD and the other suffered from bulimia. But nothing like this. Don't get me wrong...I don't BLAME the situation for my son's problems...but I'll carry to my grave the belief that it contributed...HEAVILY. You know how misery loves company...well, I know a lot of people that are dealing with issues with sons like you and I are. There's one common denominator......*weak*, *ineffective* fathers. I'm not saying ALL disturbed and troubled boys have bad or ineffective fathers...there are always exceptions to every rule...but I've seen it too many times to not notice the pattern. Even when other behaviors aren't present (as in my husband's drug abuse)...fathers who just aren't there for their boys...or are neglectful or ineffective....it's just a recipe for disaster. BOYS NEED GOOD FATHERS. Period. My son's best friend has been in a juvenile detention center for 3 years now. He's only 16. I know the nightmare of those centers you've described. And the juvenile case workers don't appear to be working in the best interest of the child, imho. I'm sure there are some out there that do...I just haven't seen any in our own local juvenile office. And always...they want to point the finger to the parent and blame. Sure...I share some of the blame...but when my son first started acting out, where was the help? There wasn't any. There are no in-patient drug rehabilitation centers for adolescents in the state I live in. (Oklahoma) NOT ONE. There are plenty of behavioral centers that are located in hospitals, but there comes the insurance trouble. All my son ever got was two months...tops. Though he qualified to stay for AT LEAST a year....he got two months. I'm afraid there are going to be too many stories like ours unless/until something is done to facilitate a change in how we handle at-risk juveniles in this country. Of both sexes. Of all ages. Like you, I've written letters...made countless phone calls...to no avail. It's a national disgrace if you ask me. Housing these kids isn't doing a thing. It's not FIXING whatever is eating these kids alive. I have a smaller son at home..a child I had at 42, the last of our children with my husband..who's now deceased. (I left him and had no contact for 3 years before he died, btw)This child's life has been the polar opposite of how my son grew up. I live with a man who's ten years younger than myself...no children of his own...and has taken my own children into his life and heart as though they were biologically his. He's stood beside MY SON every step of the way. Never judged him. Always just been there for him with an extended hand of friendship. My son NOW knows how valuable that relationship is, and they've forged a bond and a love between them. I know there are tons of people who would judge me for not marrying..but I am just not able to do it at this current point in time, though I AM committed to this man for the rest of my life. That's neither here nor there...but he IS the father to my almost 7yo. I look at the difference between the two kids. That's not to say that my 6yo won't grow up to give us trouble...but I don't think it's going to be of this magnitude, if any at all. Barring the minor "growing pains" all teenagers go through, of course. He has a father that's very active in his life...spends time with him...and my son knows that there are boundaries and consequences when those boundaries are pushed. No hitting...just swift consequences. I don't know if anyone knows what I'm talking about when I say that it's different when it (the consequences) comes from a man. Very, very different. My SO has shed as many tears and laid awake at night as often as I have over my 17yo. My son has never had a clinical diagnosis of more than depression. I believe he suffers from PTSD myself...how could he not? 8 years of his life that he remembers before I left his father for good were practically a battlezone. But we weren't allowed to get to the root of all of that, the insurance said "enough". My email addy is in my profile, if you want to contact me. I believe as you do...that parents who are dealing with troubled kids need all the support they can get. Too often there is just judgment...no support. I have no room in my life for anyone to judge me, since that isn't their place. There's someone else that's going to do that for them. No one could judge me as harshly as I've judged myself anyway. I'd welcome hearing from you!!! |
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March 6, 2007, 1:30 pm PST
Quote From: teri_id I am not sure if what I say can help or not, yet maybe it can give you some insight.
I am 35 now, but when I was your son's age, I was doing some very similar things. Now, there are gender differences, as I am female, yet the concept is the same I believe.
In general, boys act out with anger and things that tend to dismiss those that love them. I did the same sort of thing yet I did it with a vengeance. I was involved in drugs and alcohol, I found that the people I hung around seemed to identify with me and they listened. I had a brother who was the "favored" one, he was never in trouble, so he would get the praise and I would get the snub, so to speak.
It sounds as if you are not afraid to tell your son you love him. It is hard to face this sort of situation without co-parent support. If you do not have that, look to places such as this, as people here really listen and care. I don't usually post on this board, yet something told me to come here today.
When I was 15/16, someone sitting down and being real with me would have reached me. I wanted someone to see that what I felt, what I dreamed about, and my goals were important. I also wanted the drugs and alcohol. I too was diagnosed with depression and medication was prescribed. Funny thing is I tried to use that medication to kill myself. I took a handful of Elavil and slept solid for 3 days. Nobody knew what I had done. I think the irony there is my real problem was the drugs and alcohol. Nobody wanted to address this, or admit this could be a problem for me.
You have a choice. Try meeting your son on his level. Invite him over for dinner with no consequences, no lectures. Commit yourself to listening. He may be willing to tell you what will reach him, if you really listen. If this does not work, then maybe you need to involve yourself with one of the teen programs where they have lock-down treatment. It sounds very likely if he is breaking into homes, then he is involved with drugs. If this is the case, you owe it to him as his parent to get him into treatment. You always have the option of having him arrested and tested. Often times prosecuting attorneys will work with the parent in a juvenile case. He is on the edge of manhood, yet still has the child within him, and as long as he is doing things that arrest his maturity, he will remain thus.
I will pray for you. Your daughter needs your love and attention, and you owe it to her to not drink, but to be involved. I know it can be draining, I really do know and identify with this, yet, you have two children who need you. One is trying hard to get your attention with positive behavior and one is desperately trying to get your attention with negative behavior. Be loving, give attention even when you are tired. Quite often it is the child that exhibits negative behavior that gets all of the attention, and this is not a good deal. It creates resentments. Are your children close to each other at all?
Get some phone numbers, look for support groups in your area, and visit the message boards often. You are not failing, yet there is a reason your son has gotten where he is. It is your job as his parent to try to reach him. You are right, it is crazy to write him off, and you need to trust your heart with this. You have the right idea, now you just need the support to take the right actions. Good luck... Teri cmacollins: please don't give up. Your son is still a child. I went through 12 continuous months of hell with my teenage daughter - everything from drinking to experimenting with drugs, to depression, to not coming home, skipping school, etc. Just prior to all of this, she was a good student, a horse lover with her own horse who would ride almost daily. She then met a boy. It was all bad from there. However, I was relentless. I never gave up. I did everything in my power to get her back and I have succeeded. She is a promising 18 year old now taking college classes and working. She doesn't touch alcohol or drugs and has been a positive influence in getting her friends to let it go as well. Don't give up. He needs you. Even in the face of my daughter screaming in my face how much she hated me, I didn't care and I didn't give up. I think I could have saved her life. It is our job to protect and help our children. If you don't, who will? |
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March 21, 2007, 9:48 am PDT
I'm a very troubled teen. Most days when I am at school I feel like hitting my head on my desk bout 30,000 times. I am really depressed and sad right now and I do have Depression. But yeah please comment back to this if you want and let me know your opinion.
Thanks MacaroniCheese |
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March 22, 2007, 11:21 pm PDT
I am turning sixteen in April and my sister is currently eighteen.
My sister lives in her own little world. I'm not sure how it was created or why, but I do know that it exists....In her mind.
If someone had told me this would happen five years ago, I would have laughed at them and told them that my sister would never end up like *that*. Me and my sister were tight back then. She was my best friend. The one I confided int. My sister. Now, she's somewhere else mentally. Somewhere I can't and won't follow.
It started almost four years ago. She was severely depressed and anorexic. We had finally sent her to the psychiatrist in hopes that she would start getting better without the use of drugs. We soon found out what a horrible idea that was.
She had that psychiatrist wrapped around her little finger. She would blubber out just little things. Small things about her 'life' and the doctor would fall for it hook-line-and sinker. During the parent/doctor meetings, the doctor would hound on our parents, telling them that they weren't doing a good enough job. Finally, we got tired of it and sent her to a different psychiatrist. This one immediately put her on drugs.
At first, she appeared to get better. She started eating and seemed happier. But, of course, our luck reigned true and she started acting up again. In the oddest of ways too. At first, we didn't know what to make of it.
She would start talking about conversations and things that just *didn't* happen. We would confront her but she would just freak and go on the defensive. We knew it was getting bad when me and my mom confronted her once in the car when she was talking about a conversation that *didn't* happen and it ended up me and her grappling on the ground. Me, trying to stop her from running away from home with the car, and her trying to get in the car and drive away into oblivion or wherever she was headed.
She got 'the talk' and everything seemed to go fine after that. Soon after, she got a boyfriend at her job and another guy who she was sort of 'dating'. That was when we started spying on her. Don't get me wrong, we weren't just spying for the heck of it, we had a reason. She would disappear for long hours and when we would ask her where she had been, she would make up some story that would find out *never* happened.
At first, I objected spying on her, but in the end I ended up helping my parents. I was the only one who could access her accounts, so I could easily get my parents in. I told them that once they were on, I wouldn't help them anymore. I wouldn't read any of her private e-mails or PMs. That died quickly.
We started reading her e-mails and PMs and discovered a whole new world...My sisters world. In this world, our parents were out of the picture and she was living on her own taking care of her crippled grandfather (he's fine by the way) and her boy-crazy sister. I was appalled, but it just got worse from there.
We kept our knowledge of this a secret, not quite sure what to do. We watched to our dismay as she got steadily worse and worse. After a fight with my sister, in which she told me that mom used to stab and burn her, I finally blew up and told her that I *knew* what she was writing. She got all defensive and told me I was wrong.
Soon after that we had the intervention. It went horrible, of course. She got all defensive and ended up storming to her room. The next day, however, she told us that she turned a 'new leaf' and she would take that 'clean slate' we offered her.
It only lasted a week.
Soon, she was up to it again. She had changed her passwords so I couldn't get in. This time, however, it didn't matter. She wrote a bulletin in MySpace, telling all her friends these horrible lies about us and her latest victim, her boyfriend. Me and my mom took action and wrote letters to *every single one* of her friends telling them of her 'condition'.
The next day, she told us how thankful she was that I had sent her friends those e-mails. We couldn't find anything after that except little exerpts and hate mail from her best friend to her boyfriend. (He had done nothing wrong but she seemed to think that he had)
Eventually, we put her on a higher dosage of anti-depressents....but it's starting up again. She starts screaming about nothing and twists words to the way she wants. She creates different senarios that what actually happens.
We're all scared for our lives. We just know one day she's going to kill us all in our sleeps. It won't matter to her, though, because she lives in her own reality. And in this reality, she is always the victim, so it won't matter if we die. It'll only serve her reality better if we do.
My sister lives in her own reality. I'm not sure how it was created or why, I just know that we fear for our lives and hers.
I just don't know what to do... |
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March 22, 2007, 11:25 pm PDT
Quote From: macaronicheese I'm a very troubled teen. Most days when I am at school I feel like hitting my head on my desk bout 30,000 times. I am really depressed and sad right now and I do have Depression. But yeah please comment back to this if you want and let me know your opinion.
Thanks MacaroniCheese I am truly sorry to hear that you're depressed. But I would like to know if you are on anti-depressents. Because, being a sister to a severely depressed person, I know how much of a difference those pills make. But if you want to go a different route, I would suggest just taking on a little bit at a time. Try exercise more, such as walking. When you work out by walking or something, it's supposed to make you happy. I'm not sure exactly what happens but it works. I hope you're feeling better soon. |
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March 23, 2007, 6:58 am PDT
Quote From: macaronicheese I'm a very troubled teen. Most days when I am at school I feel like hitting my head on my desk bout 30,000 times. I am really depressed and sad right now and I do have Depression. But yeah please comment back to this if you want and let me know your opinion.
Thanks MacaroniCheese What is so horrible that makes you feel this way? I also had a sad childhood but things do get better. There is a saying "all good things come to an end" Well guess what - all bad things also come to an end!!! |
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March 25, 2007, 1:44 am PDT
Hi I am a mother of 5 children. My oldest son is out of control and I have pretty much tossed in the towel. I need advice, I have for the past 4 years tried everything I know to help him but nothing seems to work. Basically, I have been both mother and father to my son and I guess that hasnt been the greatest. But we have allways had a bond that is completely different than my other children. I cant explain it but It is different. I have allways taken care of my son, we didnt allways have much but we were allways together,
But the last year he has lived at my sisters house because the arguing in my home between him and my husband has been so overwhelming. He came over on my nights off and anytime in between but that has ended.
I have a 16 month old a 5 yr old a 8 yr old and a 14 yr old, I had to do something so that they were no longer apart of the situation, they were allways having to listen to the arguing between my son and husband But Im certain I really messed up by allowing him to live somewhere else. He has had alot of freedom compared to being at home which I know now is exactly what a teen doesn't need. When he 1st went to stay with my sister he listened to her because he wanted to live there but he wont even listen to her anymore,
He lies to her and I can honestly say she is a great listener and much more easy going than I am, so there is no need for him to lie but he does. He cant keep a job (4 in the past year) and seems to me that he wants to be in school but then when he is allowed back into school he will do something to get kicked out. His 1st day back he was sent to the principals office.
He has had a juvenille officer and been on probation (or so they call it probabtion and house arrest but without the anckle braclett ) basically the juvenille officer just told him he was on house arrest but never legally persued it through the courts...reason for this was for stealing his best friends debit card and stealing all her cash from the atm. I dont really understand how this was suppose to help my son...it didnt. A few things about my son... Every adult I have ever spoke with about my son says he 's a good kid, he's just a typical teen. I beg to differ, surely there comes a point when he learns from his mistakes? When does this happen? My son was on the football team,the baseball team, and even won a trophy for his rotc team. And knows darn near everybody in our town. Whether this is good or bad I dont know? I have seen my son do things that only I would think in my head of doing such as helping an elderly lady with her groceries,holding the door for people just to be kind, leanding a hand to an elderly man when lifting some things he had purchased at an auction. All this a not one of these people asked him to lend a hand. This is just a few out of the many many times I have personally witnessed his kindness. My son will go out of his way to lend a helping hand to others. Why wont he help himself? I have placed my son in a residential treatment facility, I have done the tuff love thing ( I sent him to juvenille) he has seen counselors and I have tried to become a more understanding mother. But I am at my wittsend, I just dont know what to do for him , he says he wants to leave when he turns 17 years old which is just around the corner. A few nights ago we had an extremely bad fight and I said some pretty horrible things to him, and what worse, I think at the time I truely meant what I said. I feel horrible, I know I cant take back what I said to him or the rage I showed him. Im big enough to admit when Im wrong and I will apologize but I just dont know what to do anymore for him. He isnt 17 yet, but the local juvenille officer said there isnt anything they can do since he will be 17 in a few months. I feel like I havent done enough for him, Im told he planns to leave for Texas in the next few days, he does have a cell phone that I pay for so that atleast he has that if he truely needs his family but I dont want him to go but what can I do, the police wont do anthing because he doesnt live with me. Not that it would work getting the police involved, heck when we had our fight it was over him being at my nieces apt without her being home and he had his buddies there and they were smoking pot and the police came. To shorten this portion of my story basically the police officer's let them go only with the agreement they give up the pot which was stashed in my nieces apt. The police officer allowed him to go with a friends grandfather because my sister was not in town ( which is the person he lives with) So I havent much faith in the justice system Well I could go on and on but it is very late and after worrying all night I think I may beable to sleep for awhile Please give me some constructive advice I'll try anything Thank you |
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March 26, 2007, 4:11 pm PDT
Quote From: _marie_ Hi jdoran3690...
I'm sorry to read about your daughter...
I've had experience with cutting. I used to cut myself. It was back in the 80s before it was a fad and teeny bopper shows brought it to light and created copy cats...and thus a "fad" for the mildly depressed.
I used to take knives and carve into my own skin. Sometimes initials of people who I cared for. I still have a faint "A" scar in my left hand. Sometimes just digging away for no good reason at all.
It's hard to understand why someone would do that to themselves. Sometimes I would do it drunk or high on cocaine. The thoughts that ran through my head ranged from..."I feel nothing...even as I dig into my own arm and watch my own blood flow. Nothing. I'm the living dead. Might as well be dead"
To the absolute polar opposite..."I CAN feel...see? It hurts...I can feel. I HURT why can't anyone see how much I HURT???"
Utter insanity, I know. No other way to discribe it. It is insanity in every sense of the word. But the insanity isn't what you should focus on...
It's WHY, that is most important.
I can almost guarantee your 17 year old CANNOT articulate the "why"...and sometimes professionals KNOW exactly why...but until your child makes the connectiion herself...there really is nothing you or any professional can do...except perservere.
Don't let her manipulate you...and yet...be strong and continue to let her know you love her and you refuse to give up. It's a crazy balance, it truly is...
And that's where prayer will keep you strong. Hugs...my best to you...don't give up. Will she come around...won't she? Will it get worse before it gets better?
I don't know...but you will be able to sleep at night knowing...you NEVER gave up...
Marie Thank you for sharing with me. This is so hard and I dont understand I have read all I can read and I have asked everyone and anyone to help me understand and be there for her. She moved out last weekend too many rules here like no cutting no drugs no alcohol and must go to school. I know I am a horrible control freak.
I started an organization called Parents Guide to Teens in Crisis I know with me that the last 4 years have been a roller coaster and I feel that in someways I was vulnerable or prey to a rapidly growing industry that is making a fortune on parents fears and pain. I found my strength through prayer and by finding out that there are many other people going through the same situations and together I found the help I needed to heal my family which will at some point heal my daughter. The key was not hiding out of shame or guilt I am not a bad parent because my child is making bad choices but our society is set up to point fingers and there is blame no want wants to take responsibiliy so we sit in silence. My first local event here in Washingon State in Bremerton called Breaking the Silence. This event is the first in what I hope will spread nationwide where parents of Teens in Crisis or families with a Teen in crisis anyone whose life is touched by a teen in crisis can have a place to find support and find resources that will help them and thier family and hopefully as the family gets stronger the teen will as well.
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March 27, 2007, 5:03 pm PDT
This is my first message. I have a 17yr. old son. who is spiraling out of control. He has ADHD and has been taken meds for this since he was 8. I used to take him off the meds when school was out. As he grew older, his anger became more and more out of control. He punches and kicks things. Yells things, and at the end of the whole ordeal, he will not remember allot of what he did or said. About 4 months ago, he was so angry with me for grounding him for the day, that he tried to put my car into reverse as I was driving, he did this twice. Then when that did not work for him, he opened up the door and stuck his foot out of the car while I was driving at 40 miles per hour yelling and screaming at me the whole time "tell me I'm not grounded". When we finally got to the school, he would not get out of the car. Now, his 10yr. old sister was in the car while all of this was going on. He did get out finally when he saw other kids walking buy. Now, 2 weeks pass and I am missing 80 of my pain pills. When he came home from school, I told him that someone stole my pain pills. He flipped, "right away it's me". I said nobody leaves the house , the police are coming here to fingerprint the bottle. He told me within 5 min. that he took my pills and had been selling them. Dealt with that. One week goes by and I get a call from the school. He is suspended for the rest of the week for stealing someone's cell phone and selling it. Police were not involved because he got the phone back. Now finally he is left back out, and within 2 weeks he walks into my home high as a kite. Dealt with that, even started going to therapy together, for us and his anger. Now I find roaches in my car. Dealt with that. Now, this morning, I can't find my dog so I proceed to go up into my son's room and I walk into a big cloud of smoke!!!!!!!!!!!! He is getting high before school. I found 2 bowls in his room. I don't know what I should do. I need help because I feel as though I am about to fall apart. He just thinks he knows it all. He got in my face this morning trying to deny it. I just can't believe it. Someone please help!!! I am falling apart and I need to keep it together, especially for my 10yr. old. She cannot be left behind right now, but I also need to help my son. If there is anyone out there that has been here before, please let me know what works. Thank you |
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