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Topic : Troubled Teens

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:31:34 pm
Author : dataimport
Is your teen headed down a path of self destruction with drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, self injury, depression, or problems with the law? Share advice and support with other parents of troubled teens.

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donnaj210
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December 1, 2007, 8:10 pm PST

Troubled Teens

Quote From: jaimie1974

You mention how intelligent he is many times. If your son has been conditioned to believe that because he is so intelligent, he is above other people- that could be the root of his issues. Or, it could be one of the issues. Intelligent or not, he is only human like the rest of society. He doesnt have super powers. Wouldnt an intelligent person know that?
Why does your son live with your sister?
While your son was going through his cutting phase, did you seek professional help for him? If you did, was it helpful? Have you considered suggesting to your son that he talk with a professional therapist at this time in his life? Again, intelligent or average, young people need guidance in life. They dont just know what life is. They need to get a job and work their way up. Or, go to college and work their way up.
Please dont think of yourself as just an average person. That implies that your son is better than you, better then most of our society, and that isnt factual. You shouldnt think of yourself as less important because your son is smart. There are a lot of very smart people with mental illnesses, just like there are many average people with mental illnesses. Your son should be evaluated for a possible mental illness as soon as possible.
 Yes my son has gone through counseling several times.  We also took him to a place where they did a mental evaluation on him and just said he was depressed and tried to put him on medication to slow down the brain function because they said he thinks too much.  Like when he's reading a book he has to be also listening to the radio.  He also has very unusual sleep patterns.  I don't think he's better than I am but I know he's alot brighter than I am and has alot of potential.  Just wish he'd put it to some use.  He moved in with my sister after he graduated, I think because he doesn't get along with his father so well.  He has alot less tolerence for his behavior than I do.  Thank you for your comment though.  Sometimes I have wondered if he has a mental disorder but now he is an adult and on his own I guess.  He's no longer covered on my insurance and has no job at the moment.  As for counseling, I think it's hard to find the right one.  Most of the people he saw he couldn't connect with and said it was a waste of his time.  He wasn't getting anything out of it.  I guess I just have to let go and hope for the best.  Maybe when he gets out in the real world on his own , he'll grow up.
 
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jaimie1974
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December 2, 2007, 3:13 pm PST

sad mom

Quote From: chrisgerber

Hi I have a 13 year old son whom we adopted when he was 18 month old.  He was my deceased neice's son, who was in foster care when we adopted him. I need help maybe someone can shed some light or give me some advise.  I'll do anything right about now.  My son and I do nothing but argue all the time, no matter what I ask him or tell him there is always an arguement.  He is soo disrespectful to me more than my husband.  I hardly get any backing from my husband so my son interprets that as what he's doing as being ok with dad.  He is a spoiled rottten little brat.  I hate being around him, I hate the sound of his voice.  What kind aof mother am I ?? I feel like knocking his block off, I cry alot I just can't beleive that a child can be sooo evil and mean.  He says very hurtful things and then when he wants something appologizes for what he said,  when I say no then it all starts all over again.  I am so tired of the turmoil I just want this to end.  I've tried taking him to a councellor, that didn't work he says this is a waste of time she isn't gonna help me anyways, then I tried a Psychiatrist he put him on anti-depressants and Ritalin, that didn't seem to help.  I found I was always crying at his sessions and it didn't seem to phase him to how he was making me feel.  He would tell them that he knows what he's doing but didn't know how to change.  The arguing is getting to my husband now him and I fight alot.  I feel all alone with no where to go for help.  I think my son is possessed or the devil himself.  Can someone help me. Pleeeease.
You should seek counseling for yourself, without your son there. You need and deserve to have a place where your thoughts and feelings will be listened to and validated. A professional can do that for you, and also give you guidance on what you should do. It is important to focus on improving your mood/feelings. You are focusing on how to improve your son so that you can be happy- but that is a self-defeating thought process because your son is a manipulator. He doesn’t want to see you happy; he only wants to see himself happy. No matter how intensely he manipulates you to get what he wants, you have to learn to say no and then stick to it. Again, a professional can help you learn how to do this. You have this pattern that has gone on for 13 years now, where all he has to do is say terrible things and he gets rewarded; you have to force this pattern to change because your son will go out into the world with this same attitude, and he will be destined to fail. The world will not cater to him; he might end up in jail, or even worse, dead if he runs his mouth off to the wrong people. I know that you thought you were doing what was right by giving him what he wants, but it sounds like you are beginning to realize you are getting the opposite results that you expected. I urge you to take care of yourself, if you don’t make yourself a priority, no one else will- you deserve so much more than you are demanding for yourself! I wish you the best.
 
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chrisgerber
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December 4, 2007, 7:26 pm PST

sad mom

Quote From: jaimie1974

You should seek counseling for yourself, without your son there. You need and deserve to have a place where your thoughts and feelings will be listened to and validated. A professional can do that for you, and also give you guidance on what you should do. It is important to focus on improving your mood/feelings. You are focusing on how to improve your son so that you can be happy- but that is a self-defeating thought process because your son is a manipulator. He doesnt want to see you happy; he only wants to see himself happy. No matter how intensely he manipulates you to get what he wants, you have to learn to say no and then stick to it. Again, a professional can help you learn how to do this. You have this pattern that has gone on for 13 years now, where all he has to do is say terrible things and he gets rewarded; you have to force this pattern to change because your son will go out into the world with this same attitude, and he will be destined to fail. The world will not cater to him; he might end up in jail, or even worse, dead if he runs his mouth off to the wrong people. I know that you thought you were doing what was right by giving him what he wants, but it sounds like you are beginning to realize you are getting the opposite results that you expected. I urge you to take care of yourself, if you dont make yourself a priority, no one else will- you deserve so much more than you are demanding for yourself! I wish you the best.

Thank you, I think I needed to hear that and it's almost like you desribed my son to a T.  I read your message aloud for my husband and son to hear, so they can hear someone else say what I've been saying all along.  The response was... Well you better go get help then.  Not really what I wanted to hear, especially from my husband who tells me how much he loves me and can't live without me, that I'm best thing that's ever happened to him.

 

I think I would have wanted to hear maybe we should go talk to someone, maybe you and I have to be on the same page.( With the raising of our son).  Nothing has changed with my son he still is very selfish, annoying and disrespectful.  I love him more than anything but I HATE being around him.  That sound so terrible, but it's how I feel.

We have 6 other children between the 2 of us and none of them are like our 13 yr old and never were.  We thought that starting over after all the kids were gone would be a good thing for us, that we could give this child what we couldn't afford to do with the others.  This has simply back fired on us and it seems like I'm the only one that can see that. 

 

The other children see that, they give our 13 year old heck for the way he treats us.  It's to the point that they don't want to be around him either and they've told him so.  His real grandparents (my brother and sister-in-law) have talked to him as well, nothing seems to fizz on him, he looks so sincere when they are talking to him but the next day everything is back to the same old thing. 

  I will seek help for myself because I'm so tired of feeling this way for sooooo long and you're right... It's time to think of myself,  fix me and make me happy.  Thank you for your advise.
 
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jaimie1974
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December 5, 2007, 6:26 am PST

Disappointing response from husband

Quote From: chrisgerber

Thank you, I think I needed to hear that and it's almost like you desribed my son to a T.  I read your message aloud for my husband and son to hear, so they can hear someone else say what I've been saying all along.  The response was... Well you better go get help then.  Not really what I wanted to hear, especially from my husband who tells me how much he loves me and can't live without me, that I'm best thing that's ever happened to him.

 

I think I would have wanted to hear maybe we should go talk to someone, maybe you and I have to be on the same page.( With the raising of our son).  Nothing has changed with my son he still is very selfish, annoying and disrespectful.  I love him more than anything but I HATE being around him.  That sound so terrible, but it's how I feel.

We have 6 other children between the 2 of us and none of them are like our 13 yr old and never were.  We thought that starting over after all the kids were gone would be a good thing for us, that we could give this child what we couldn't afford to do with the others.  This has simply back fired on us and it seems like I'm the only one that can see that. 

 

The other children see that, they give our 13 year old heck for the way he treats us.  It's to the point that they don't want to be around him either and they've told him so.  His real grandparents (my brother and sister-in-law) have talked to him as well, nothing seems to fizz on him, he looks so sincere when they are talking to him but the next day everything is back to the same old thing. 

  I will seek help for myself because I'm so tired of feeling this way for sooooo long and you're right... It's time to think of myself,  fix me and make me happy.  Thank you for your advise.


Your husband’s response is very disappointing, but think about it; what did you really expect? He hasn’t been there to back you up so why would he suddenly take on that role- he won’t. One reason he won’t take on that role is because it takes too much work. It is easier for him to just keep going on in this pattern, even thought it is a toxic and dysfunctional pattern. He doesn’t know what else to do, but he does know that changing anything will take work. He is probably tired. But you are tired, too. That is understandable. But there comes a point in life where you get so tired of being sick and tired that you just have to do something about it; I think you are at that point. Your husband and son won’t admit it but they are looking to you to make a change. It is up to you to bring change into the home, so bring it, sister! Its going to take some hard work to change the long-standing toxic habits, but you CAN DO IT! You have to do it. I wish you the very best!
 
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clermntmom
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December 7, 2007, 7:02 am PST

Am I too late? LONG

I have an 18 year old son that has always struggled in school.  It didn't start out that way. He started out as a B/C student in elementary until about 4th or 5th grade.  He would lie about tests quizes etc, and get away with it initially but we would always find out. He would be disciplined by being grounded and or certain privilages taken away.

 

We struggled through middle school, barely passing, and it continued into HS.  The same story from his teachers everytimg. "he is a bright kid, he just doesn't want to work."  So when it was obvious he wasn't going to be able to graduate on time (we held him back voluntarily when we moved to another state, summer baby anyway) we decided to take advantage of the "early exit option" at the HS where you take your GED and get to graduate w/ a diploma. 

 

He was skipping classes to hang out in the TV production studio and work on projects and on the sound boards etc.  He wants to be an audio recording engineer.  So come summer he moves out across the city and practically starves having to take a bus to work at a sub shop.  He "learns his lesson" and moves back home with the understanding that he would get a FT job over the summer to save for a car. I offered to match penny to penny what he saved.  Guess what? No job. I finally got him a pt job with my other son a at country club restaurant.  There was an incident about a month 1/2 later where my older son quit (he was working two jobs at the time) so my 18 y/o quits too!

 

We had already co signed a student loan for him to go to an Audio Recording school in Oct. which looked like the perfect fit for him.  He needed a car so we let him use his older brother's old car (he bought a newer car) and agreed he would get a pt job to make payments to his brother and have it paid by the end of  school (May).  He would then graduate from this school and they place them in jobs.  Sounds like the perfect plan right?

 

October he did fantastic.  He goes from 12-4 most days and two to three nights he is there until 7. It is a 30 minute drive with about $3 in tolls for a round trip. I gave him my toll transponder to help with the toll fees. In October he came home every day - I saw him doing homework and studying - he showed me all the notes he was taking - and he brought home a progress report with a "B" grade. 

 

November comes and all of a sudden he is hanging out at this kids house in town and not coming home until 1 or 2 in the morning and not coming home for dinner. He has a job working for the kids' dad's landscaping business do whatever jobs didnt' get done during the week on the weekend. It is not enough money to make any payments to his brother.


Then Thanksgiving week on Sunday he doesn't come home at all. I go by this kids house and he comes out stating he has off of school. I told him no he doesn't and so he I THOUGHT was going to go to school from there. Come to find out from the President of the school he did not show up for school the entire week.  Then he presented a bogus dr's note to get excused.  They called me and told me they were expelling him.  He was actually suffering from some allergy problems so I took him to the dr and the president told me that if he brought in the dr's note stating it was an on going problem they would allow him back on a probationary basis only.

 

When this first happened he had the attitude that "what can I do, I'm screwed?" And " I've been screwing up since 4th grade".  So I told him that we tried it his way we will do it mine, so I told him he had to come home every night that was a school night by 12 midnight and he had to eat dinner with us when he was out of school by 4.  This week was the first week back and he didn't come home night before last or last night.  Yesterday he was here for 30 min to change clothes. He is pissed off because he discovered that I inspected his car and found a pipe and some other pot paraphnelia (Sp).  This after he told me that he didn't understand why I was treating him this way while since he doesn't do drugs and doesn't drink, claims he is playing Halo at this kids house.

 

I'm afraid he is doing much more then smoking pot and he is going to get kicked out of this school while we are also liable for the loan. I want him to be successful and this looked like the perfect opportunity. I dont' know what to do other then to take the car away then he has no way to get back and forth to this school. My husband didn't want to co sign the loan just yet and I should have listened to him.

 

One last and very important point is he is gay (although you would never know) and I think he is not happy with himself and just wants to be like his brother and his friends. We had him with a counselor when he first came out and we thought he might be abusing. We supported him as we believe you don't choose your sexuality.  She talked to him for two session and deemed him cured of any drug abuse. He has issues and I want to help him, but I'm at a loss right now as what to do.

 

And yet another note is his older brother was an honors student and a gifted athlete, his younger brother is doing OK in school and is also a gifted athlete while my 18 year old struggled in both departments. We also had he tested for learning disabilities when he was in 5th grade and he doesn't have any.

 

I also know right now he is mad because I searched his car and didn't come home last night and didn't text me to let me know. School is in 2 hours and I dont' know where he is!

 

 

Sorry so long, but if it weren' t a problem it would be simple and I wouldn't need to post it here 

 
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dadside
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December 7, 2007, 5:25 pm PST

18, school issues, now not attending and

Quote From: clermntmom

I have an 18 year old son that has always struggled in school.  It didn't start out that way. He started out as a B/C student in elementary until about 4th or 5th grade.  He would lie about tests quizes etc, and get away with it initially but we would always find out. He would be disciplined by being grounded and or certain privilages taken away.

 

We struggled through middle school, barely passing, and it continued into HS.  The same story from his teachers everytimg. "he is a bright kid, he just doesn't want to work."  So when it was obvious he wasn't going to be able to graduate on time (we held him back voluntarily when we moved to another state, summer baby anyway) we decided to take advantage of the "early exit option" at the HS where you take your GED and get to graduate w/ a diploma. 

 

He was skipping classes to hang out in the TV production studio and work on projects and on the sound boards etc.  He wants to be an audio recording engineer.  So come summer he moves out across the city and practically starves having to take a bus to work at a sub shop.  He "learns his lesson" and moves back home with the understanding that he would get a FT job over the summer to save for a car. I offered to match penny to penny what he saved.  Guess what? No job. I finally got him a pt job with my other son a at country club restaurant.  There was an incident about a month 1/2 later where my older son quit (he was working two jobs at the time) so my 18 y/o quits too!

 

We had already co signed a student loan for him to go to an Audio Recording school in Oct. which looked like the perfect fit for him.  He needed a car so we let him use his older brother's old car (he bought a newer car) and agreed he would get a pt job to make payments to his brother and have it paid by the end of  school (May).  He would then graduate from this school and they place them in jobs.  Sounds like the perfect plan right?

 

October he did fantastic.  He goes from 12-4 most days and two to three nights he is there until 7. It is a 30 minute drive with about $3 in tolls for a round trip. I gave him my toll transponder to help with the toll fees. In October he came home every day - I saw him doing homework and studying - he showed me all the notes he was taking - and he brought home a progress report with a "B" grade. 

 

November comes and all of a sudden he is hanging out at this kids house in town and not coming home until 1 or 2 in the morning and not coming home for dinner. He has a job working for the kids' dad's landscaping business do whatever jobs didnt' get done during the week on the weekend. It is not enough money to make any payments to his brother.


Then Thanksgiving week on Sunday he doesn't come home at all. I go by this kids house and he comes out stating he has off of school. I told him no he doesn't and so he I THOUGHT was going to go to school from there. Come to find out from the President of the school he did not show up for school the entire week.  Then he presented a bogus dr's note to get excused.  They called me and told me they were expelling him.  He was actually suffering from some allergy problems so I took him to the dr and the president told me that if he brought in the dr's note stating it was an on going problem they would allow him back on a probationary basis only.

 

When this first happened he had the attitude that "what can I do, I'm screwed?" And " I've been screwing up since 4th grade".  So I told him that we tried it his way we will do it mine, so I told him he had to come home every night that was a school night by 12 midnight and he had to eat dinner with us when he was out of school by 4.  This week was the first week back and he didn't come home night before last or last night.  Yesterday he was here for 30 min to change clothes. He is pissed off because he discovered that I inspected his car and found a pipe and some other pot paraphnelia (Sp).  This after he told me that he didn't understand why I was treating him this way while since he doesn't do drugs and doesn't drink, claims he is playing Halo at this kids house.

 

I'm afraid he is doing much more then smoking pot and he is going to get kicked out of this school while we are also liable for the loan. I want him to be successful and this looked like the perfect opportunity. I dont' know what to do other then to take the car away then he has no way to get back and forth to this school. My husband didn't want to co sign the loan just yet and I should have listened to him.

 

One last and very important point is he is gay (although you would never know) and I think he is not happy with himself and just wants to be like his brother and his friends. We had him with a counselor when he first came out and we thought he might be abusing. We supported him as we believe you don't choose your sexuality.  She talked to him for two session and deemed him cured of any drug abuse. He has issues and I want to help him, but I'm at a loss right now as what to do.

 

And yet another note is his older brother was an honors student and a gifted athlete, his younger brother is doing OK in school and is also a gifted athlete while my 18 year old struggled in both departments. We also had he tested for learning disabilities when he was in 5th grade and he doesn't have any.

 

I also know right now he is mad because I searched his car and didn't come home last night and didn't text me to let me know. School is in 2 hours and I dont' know where he is!

 

 

Sorry so long, but if it weren' t a problem it would be simple and I wouldn't need to post it here 

At 18 there really isn't anything you can quite "make" him do.  And in some states (NY, for one) you still have some responsibility to support him.  In all, a tough place to be as a parent.

 

If you know he is not attending school, or at least not attending and working with enough regularity to stay in and pass/graduate, and you know he is using Pot and maybe more, the first thing I'd suggest is taking the car away and maybe giving him a bus pass or take him to school yourself if he decides to go.  I assume the car is in your name, and you would have some legal responsibility in the case of any mishaps - especially if he is "using".  The legal system generally takes a dim view of driving under the influence as well.  If he did get caught and things went well, he'd at a minimum be required to enter a rehab program, which could help.  He could also get some problematic issues on his record, which wouldn't help, and possibly some time in jail.

 

What to do?  Offer him a program that could help him sort things through, including his future direction, inclusive of career.  There are some excellent wilderness programs that can do just that (and did for my son).  They are not cheap (you can figure over $20,000), and he'd have to agree to go.  If you do choose this route, I suggest a variable-length program where his completion depends on him.  The good programs won't be fooled by anything he might say that wasn't real/true.  One added advantage is a substantial boost to self-esteem from achieveing completion.

 

I really don't know what else to suggest, although I hope others do have some good ideas as well.
 
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clermntmom
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December 9, 2007, 2:44 pm PST

Troubled Teens

Quote From: dadside

At 18 there really isn't anything you can quite "make" him do.  And in some states (NY, for one) you still have some responsibility to support him.  In all, a tough place to be as a parent.

 

If you know he is not attending school, or at least not attending and working with enough regularity to stay in and pass/graduate, and you know he is using Pot and maybe more, the first thing I'd suggest is taking the car away and maybe giving him a bus pass or take him to school yourself if he decides to go.  I assume the car is in your name, and you would have some legal responsibility in the case of any mishaps - especially if he is "using".  The legal system generally takes a dim view of driving under the influence as well.  If he did get caught and things went well, he'd at a minimum be required to enter a rehab program, which could help.  He could also get some problematic issues on his record, which wouldn't help, and possibly some time in jail.

 

What to do?  Offer him a program that could help him sort things through, including his future direction, inclusive of career.  There are some excellent wilderness programs that can do just that (and did for my son).  They are not cheap (you can figure over $20,000), and he'd have to agree to go.  If you do choose this route, I suggest a variable-length program where his completion depends on him.  The good programs won't be fooled by anything he might say that wasn't real/true.  One added advantage is a substantial boost to self-esteem from achieveing completion.

 

I really don't know what else to suggest, although I hope others do have some good ideas as well.

Thank you for your response.  We plan to take the car away if he cannont come home straight from school each day and stay here on a school night.  But that was the plan two days ago before he decided to ignore my phone calls.  He called yesterday because he wanted me to front him $20 and I turned him down. He gets mad and thinks he is getting even by staying away.

 

 

I may just take the car away and drive him anyway.  Gas and tolls would be tough on us right now going and coming twice a day. I might do the bus route idea, but I'd have to get him to the bus pick up lot here in town. There are things to consider. Thanks for the ideas.

 

I don' thave $20k to put him in a program, and you're right he would have to agree.  I had looked at those when he was 16 and 17.  But now he is going to have to learn the hard way I guess.
 
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miracle6footer
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December 13, 2007, 7:22 pm PST

I want to help

Quote From: sprkhome

Saw the  show with the family with boy who was alway drunk and in trouble I was impressed with

Dr. Phil's responce I've also seen a show on Dateline with a family  who's boy had trets sydrome

and was causing all kinds of problems.  I have a teen boy with schzoeffective disorder and is very

high maintanace. One thing stand out with the TV shows and what I also have found.

SOMETIMES parents create their own "monsters"   My son may have problems but he has never been allowed to be Disrespectful or swear or be physicaly violent   being the nice guy in all things

is not what the child needs or want.  I can't count how many times I've responded to the situation in

a manner that was  not expected  and his response has been ammazing.  He want to know there are

bounderies and expations.      S

It all starts at home. As a parent you hold a certain responsiblity to your children. It starts when they are first born. You have to mold your child. But at the same time we are all human beings and at some point we develope out own minds and way of thinking. Never give up on your children, no matter what. Once you give birth to a child you are obligated to that child. Be an example at all times. Listen and learn.
 
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December 13, 2007, 8:02 pm PST

Please listen

Quote From: candycvky

I kinda question her depression.  My daughter was spoiled severely as a child and now the consequences of that are showing.  She cannot get it through her head that other people have other lives.  She is suppose to be the center of the universe and now that she isn't she can't accept it.  I was always the one to try to put reality into her world, (her granny is who spoiled her) so I am the enemy.  Now I am just an ATM.  Her respect for me is low especially now that granny is not spoiling her anymore and laying down the law.  This is all my fault.  I am trying so hard not to give up and competly lose my temper.  Her therapist only focuses on what Courtney is telling her.  Candy
This is a easy one. Please don't take this the wrong way, but, you are at fault. There is a reason why your mother raised your daughter. And even though you fail to mention that reason it's obvisious that it was more of a downfall then a blessing. She does not respect you, you have not been there. You allowed your mother to take control, now you have to gain some control back. HOW? Yes that is the question. Try to install in her that there will be a day when nor grandma or you will be around, then what?!
 
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December 13, 2007, 8:09 pm PST

Please listen

Quote From: kyauna

I am 17 have 2 jobs, one doesnt pay and the other doesnt pay well. My step dad and I have had a war going on since I was 3 years old. I have only half siblings my older sister has her father and I have a biological father as well but my younger siblings have my step dad as their father. My mother went into a depression and wanted to kill herself because of all the stress in her life. My step father told me it was all my fault and blamed me for the stress. I believed him and beat myself up over it until I had the same thing as my mother. That was when I was 13-14 and I grew up now, sort of. I am harder to physicaly push around and not as easy to hit. If he his me I hit back, he pushes me I push back, he verbaly abuses me I defend myself verbaly. I have become like a hard concreat wall and he is like a jack-hammer trying to push at my weak spots to make me break. I have become numb to harsh words and critical comments that people sometimes make. I have become less tolerent of bullies. You might say that I bullie the billies. I dont go down easy and I never make a mistake in a fight. There have been times that my step dad has made me regret being alive and I have come close several times to killing myself. I dont want to freak anyone out but it happens to people. I know many. i had a friend of mine hang himself in the middle of last year. I sometimes wonder what would have my life and personality been like if my mother had devorced my step father when she told me she would the first time?

Don't let him break you young blood. If your wise enough to understand the problem then your wise enough to to fix the problem. It sucks because it seems as though the ones closest to us are the one's that are able to hurt us the most. Life is a test. Look at it like a video game (life that is) you want to win, you want to rescuse the princess in the end, or beat the bad guy. Never give up because someone else lets you down, because your the only one that suffers. Walk with your head high. Never let another human being break you down, family or no family.
 
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