Topic : Troubled Teens

Without a lot more details, I may be missing something, but ...  If you can, pay him in some way for finishing high school.  You say "he can't find a job", but he does  have one, and that is doing a good job and finishing high school!  Anything else should be secondary.  Also, how can he stay home and play soccer?  Who is there to play with?  Or is it other non-attending students?  There, school attendance officers might be able to help.

Your son really needs to understand that although he wants a job, likely because it would give him money to spend, he will be able to earn more (a lot more) once he has his diploma.  From here, you're all only looking at another 3 months or so to finish.  If he doesn't have "any" income, see it you can pay him something for good grades, or for every full day in school, or for both, all so he does have a little "extra" cash.  Or maybe you can offer him a "big" reward for when he graduates, like a trip, sports equipment, or something special that would really appeal to him.

Finally, there may be some local organizations that could give him a boost to attend.  His school counselor ought to know of any possibilities.

My son is very angry with me. I have not had a relationship with my son since he was 9yrs old. Two years ago he was diagnosed bipolar and seems to get very angry. He has no contact with his biological father. My son blames me for a lot of things that have happened. I do not feel as though they have effected him, but he holds me responsible. He claims he has had such a hard life. He likes the violent music and of course thinks his friends are the only thing he has.  He has admitted to having homicidel thoughs in the past. He at 14yrs old sneaks and has drank beer, wine and oh yes a bottle of liquior. My son and my husband constanly stay on odds, because my husband does not like the disrespect of my son. My son thinks I owe him everything. He thinks I should respect him then he will respect me. This has caused a lot of stress with me and the remaining of my family. I am sad all the time knowing that my son hates me. I really could use some advice. I do not have many people to talk with about this.

First, you have had a relationship with your son for his whole life, including since he was 9.  It's just not a positive one now, or so it seems.  I guess that communication is a few words or short sentences at any time, rather than "meaningful" exchanges.  Quiite possibly the same applies between your son and your husband.

Your son really does need you - and your husband (who now effectively is his father), and you both need to "be there" for him, even with the evident strains in the relationships with your son.

Three ideas:  First, some family counseling ("therapy") seems in order to help each of you really communicate and understand the other.  Second, some shared experiences would likely help all of you -- things like sightseeing trips, perhaps some days at a resort and/or amusement park, a river rafting trip.  With those kiinds of experiences you will be together yet each have individual experiences/perceptions you can share and help the bigger communication problem.  Finally, some kind of "wilderness"/camping experience might be especially helpful for your son.  Most "wilderness programs" for "troubled teens" can prove expensive - some over $20,000 - and the least costly good one could run over $6,000.  But in some places, there are weekend experiences that do a lot of  the same good (although clearly in little pieces) and can cost only $100 or so.  Boy Scouting is another possibility.  Local youth groups may also have good programs for him.

Whatever you try, it should involve your son choosing, although from limited options you have picked.  Letting him choose wil give him some sense of power over his own future, and will help him to "commit" to whatever the activity is.  And, as he achieves positive new things in whatever program(s), he will feel better about himself, have less desire for alcohol (and worse), and should be more open.  With all that though, you still should get some counseling from a local therapist - even if just a few sessions to guide you all.

This is tough, however understandable .. as you clearly realize.  First the few day Easter trip.  I'd insist he go - no negotiation.  (Even some little "bribe", perhaps concert tickets for after his return, could be considered - but if you do so, give your cooperative daughter something as well so you don't only reward arguing.)  First, it is only for a few days.   Also, not going would be the same as refusing to see/learn anything new, which simply isn't how people grow and mature, etc., and your son surely realizes that even if he doesn't want to admit it (now).  I can't see any 14 year old's relationship as being "forever", but can appreciate how serious he (and she) may be about it.  But good relationships have to outlast temporary absences, even if not their first choice.

I don't see how you are "already making his life hell".  He would see new places, perhaps learn new things he could share with his friends, etc.  And you know that he might actually find something positive in the new location - something he likely refuses to even consider now. 

When the time to move finally comes, would you really let him stay behind.  His best friend's dad didn't help much when he offered to let your son stay with them or in an apartment he would rent (even worse! .. a 14/15 year-old living alone???).  Have a chat with him as well.  He likely meant well, but he really needs to support keeping your family intact as well as support your son gaining new experiences.

Finally, you might point out to your son that the move would only be a matter of a few hours away, and wouldn't mean forever, or that he could never see his current friends.

I recently found out my 12 year old is cutting herself.  This has floored me  , she has always been a bascially happy -go -lucky child. She has been rebelling for the past 2 years . She is obsessed with a 16 year old boy who calls my house at 1am !!! 1 am  Imagine , on what planet does my daughter think this is appropriate, them there is her 13 year old best friend who is pregnant . Its sad , truly sad . I don't think my daughter needs this type of influence . Each time I try to limit or restrict this relaionship its met with, hostility by my daugter . Then there is her dress , I banned her from wearing this way to short skirt to school , then she comes home wearing the skirt .  When she was 10 years old she applied for and get this  received a "capital one " credit card . It took 3 days and phone calls to India back to Georgia to get those idiots to cancel the damn thing!!

The thing is she is very bright , but very easily influenced by her peers, she has gotten into this whole "emo " culture in which encourages " self mutilation" specifically cutting .  I found a journal of hers , where two of her other so called friends accused her of being a "poser " apparently you must be self loathing enough to cut your own flesh to be a "true emo ".

The ironic part of my story is I work  as mental health professional . So professionally I have delt with clients  who have done this . I know there are issues that lie beneathe the surface. I know its used as a coping mechanism ,

"The ironic part of my story is I work  as mental health professional".  It is always harder when it is your own situation rather than others' issues.  At any rate, surely you understand the value of "outside" professional help, and now might be a good time to get some.

I'm not familiar with "emo culture" (fortunately!), and suggest two things - all apart from getting your daughter uninvolved with it as well as you can.  First is to meet with her school counselor.  Her school ought to have some knowledge of the "emo" bit, and may have some ideas/direction for dealing with it, and if they don't, your input may prompt some and help others as well as yourselves.  The other idea is to get your daughter involved with other activities - perhaps a girl scouts locally, possibly a scouting or "Y" summer camp, or even a sort-of back-country hiking trip in the "wilderness".  New and healthy experiences in a new environment with different people, all in an adult-guided environment could be quite helpful in getting your daughter to embrace healthier choices and insights into dealing with pressures.  The latter touches on the coping matter.  (After he learned a good bit about hiking/camping and the wilderness, my son took to weekend camping trips to deal with aggravating weeks - and it worked!)

I'm loosing my 12 yr old granddaughter, We found out she was cutting herself, and that she was passing notes in school saying she was going to try pot on that Friday, She can go from being in a good mood to so angry, She talks about killing herself and always saying she wishes she was dead. She has a younger sister who is 10 and they argue about every little thing they call each other stupid tell each other to shut up they call each other whores. She also has a 7 month old sister who she could be playing with and if the baby starts crying she yells at her she says she wishes she was dead and one day she said she was going to ring her neck if she didn't shut up. I don't leave her alone with the baby anymore. she yells and has no respect for her mother myself or her papa. As a matter of fact she hates us. And she lets us know about it , she throws fits. I am afraid I'm going to loose her . I'm afraid she may keep her word and try and do something stupid, I already lost my oldest son I don't want to loose my granddaughter. It breaks my heart to know that my granddaughter hates me and I don't know why or what to do about it. I really need some help with this one. I couldn't take it if I lost her. I love her and would do anything for her. But she just pushes me away. Someone PLEASE HELP Me get my granddaughter back