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June 1, 2008, 1:07 pm PDT
Troubled Teens
Quote From: mistarici'm sorry if this is too long, but i think its sad i have to turn to the internet for help, instead of my mom. background information: i live with my great aunt, my grandmother's dead, so i refer to my great aunt as my grandma. my mom was on drugs from when i was 7 - 14. i'm 15 now. she had me at 15. i have a punk/alt. edge i suppose. and i try as much as i can to be myself, individual, and not caring what other people have to say. the problem: my mom visits regularly. i have a brother and a sister, my brother's 10 and my sister's a couple of months old. and yes, i am spoiled, and yes, i know i'm a brat. i'm not pinning it all on everyone else, this is my fault too. i'm also overly emotional. if someone yells at me, i cry. i cry entirely too easily. anywho, my mom, tells me i'm a freak, i dress too "gothic" or too "freakish" and that i need to try and be more normal. when she meets some of my friends, she either labels them as "freaks" or "normals." if they are normal, she tells me, why can't you be more like ____? why can't you be normal? and if i try and talk to her about anything, i usually am too sarcastic or too smartass, and she ends up yelling and making me cry, she's always cutting me down, and making me feel worthless. i could be feeling great, then she'll visit and tell me something to ruin my day. today, in fact, i was hanging out with a friend, and she told me i acted too immature, that i needed to act more mature. she said i acted like i was 10, and i acted like my brother, that he acted more mature than me. sometimes, i do act young, but its just jokingly, i'm not as young as she makes me out to be. she acts like kids from school, making faces, and making hand notions and such to make fun of me, in a mocking voice. and she always makes me grit my teeth by saying stuff like "if i wanted you to, i could control your entire life, you know that right? i'm the mother. say it with me. now, WHO'S the mother?" then i have no choice but to give in and say she is. i tell her respect works both ways, but she flips it and tells me i'm disrespectful, which i am, but not to the extent she is to me. and she also makes it out that everything i do is in spite of her. i have a short pixie cut, and i have small gauges, and i don't enjoy getting my nails done. all i heard today was "you do everything just to piss me off. you cut your hair off as short as it would go, you never want your nails done. and those stupid holes in your ears look terrible." i did specifically get the gauges she told me not to, but i got my grandma's permission before putting them in. also, when i cry, she says stuff like "why are you crying? do you see what i mean about being immature? why do you have to cry? that's stupid, you were talking fine, now you have to cry?" and i replied "i'm not sure, you're mean to me, always trying to change me. you always have something negatory to say about me. you make me feel like crap." and she said "no i don't, now tell me why you're really crying." i simply said "i don't know, ok, sometimes i just need to cry, i'm overly emotional." there is so much more, but this is already too long, honestly, i don't know what to do. i've tried talking to her, i've tried ignoring her, i've tried standing up to her, i've tried going along with it, i'm running out of options and my self esteem is lowered every time she visits.
Well, you sure do have a lot to deal with – more than anyone your age should have to handle. But, it seems you have the smarts to do well. The “trick” is what you do with those smarts.
From what you wrote, there are three main thoughts I’ve got for you.
+ First, your great aunt, who was kind enough to care for you, probably is doing her best to make up for your effective loss of your mother (for the 8 years of drug use). She may well have spoiled you, although probably not on purpose. (My daughter says she is spoiled, and I guarantee we didn’t try to do that! Anyway, she drives a 9-year old Nissan, not a new BMW.) What you did get is perhaps more freedom/options than you should have had at the time.
+ Second, your mom probably is reacting unfavorably to your actions and choices partly because they aren’t what she would have wanted to see you make, because she wasn’t there for 8 years to really guide you, and because she may not be all too sure of how to react/talk/relate to you. Don’t blame her for her efforts today, even if they frustrate or upset you. It might be a great idea for you and your mom to get some “family counseling” so an independent professional can help each of you be together more smoothly. These services may be available through a health insurance plan or through a local community service agency – perhaps a non-profit or a county agency.
+ Third – you! I guess that you managed some of your own “upbringing”, and certainly have chosen your own friends and apparent life style image. I think it is great to be “your own person” and to express yourself. It is important to be able to make your own judgments, select your own friends, etc. BUT, do recognize that others can make their own judgments, including forming “first impressions”. And do realize that while you call your style of dress etc. an expression of your independence, in fact you are conforming to a non-majority group’s standards, and that group projects an image that limits their future opportunities in jobs and friends. (That could be behind some of your mom’s comments.)
For right now, read over what you said and see how your decisions help or hurt the situations. Clearly the gauge didn’t help; your mom said no so you got someone else to say OK. Was some of that your own rebellion against things in your life you don’t like. Is some of what you feel – your desire to be your own person – being expressed as a rejection of values your mom and others tell you but sure haven’t helped them do what you see as the right thing? That doesn’t make the values bad. This isn’t about you being crazy or wild versus normal; its just about letting you have the greatest opportunities for a wonderful future – a future you can have.
With or without your mom, try to find a counselor with whom you can talk through these things. You could try places I mentioned above, or even start at a local youth center. You don’t have to do all this on your own!
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