Topic : Troubled Teens

Hi. I am the mother of three boys. The oldest is 14. The other boys..12 and 3. Lately, my 14 year old cannot stay out of trouble. I have tried everything. We've taken away his cell phone, atv and grounded him. I've made him go to work with my husband on Saturdays (to keep him busy). I allowed him a part time job to earn a down payment for a new atv, which we just bought him 3 weeks ago. 

 

Let me tell you about the last month. About a month ago, a teacher called to remind my son to be in school for his lab practical (final). I said, "he's not in school?" My husband saw him get on the bus. He had skipped school once before (that we actually caught him). His grades are good (B's) so we didn't make a real big deal out of it. He had been working towards his down payment for a couple of months and reached his goal...but we told him that if he skipped school again we weren't going to buy the atv.

 

He had worked so hard, well, big mistake....we bought it anyway. We brought it home and he thought he wasn't getting it. Well, that good behavior lasted all of a day. The next day we had a family reunion. He was told that this was family time and no friends were invited (they are underage drinkers and I didn't want to be responsible for that at my home). I explained this to him and he seemed to understand. Besided, this was supposed to be family time. Well, that night he sneaks off with his friends and steals alcohol from our party. I found him and brought him and what was left of the alcohol home. He sneaks out again. I find him again. He sneaks out and we don't see him until the next day. He says to me "I was grounded anyway (for skipping school), what else can you do to me?"

So, he was grounded from the use of his atv...which he had for all but a day. He was at home grounded for what was supposed to be two weeks. The next weekend, he tells me that he's going to work. I find out that he is, in fact, at a party. He even calls me from his workplace to have me pick him up...Keep in mind that he's still grounded. We pick him up and his eyes are bloodshot. I took him to Walmart and bought a drug test. He tested positive for marijuana and a possible positive for a prescription drug.  What more can I do? I call my mom and ask her to keep him for a couple of weeks, so he can have some time away from his friends. However, she was going away this weekend, so I brought him home. On Saturday night, after midnight (bc I saw him then), he took off to a party. I woke up early bc we were going to a theme park with the family that day. At @ 7:00 I went to wake him up, he was not there.

I drove to his friends house, who said he was at the party, but haven't seen him since 3 am. I called the police. At around 9am I saw a glimpse of him running through the woods, but could not capture him. I stayed at home, called all of his friends and their parents...I even waited around figuring he'd have to come back sometime. Well, he didn't. I went to my last resort and they said they left him in town and hadn't seem him since. I spent three hours looking for him last night and 5 hours this morning to find out that he was hiding out in his friend's garage. I had called the police and the national missing person's hotline and all of his friend. I brought pictures all around the town that I lived in...I cried all morning bc no one had seen him since last night.

When I saw him, I didn't know whether I wanted to kill him or kiss him. So I said nothing. My mother was there and I have her keeping him until further notice. I'm beside myself. Is sending him to grandma's the right decision? What about military schools or boot camp? Or will that make him worse? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

for now, the state police has put him on probation, so we'll see how that goes.

My bet is that his "friends" got him involved with drugs - certainly marijuana to start.  I really think you are wise in acting now to put a stop.  Grounding isn't working, and since you can't well keep him in a locked room (and if you did try, you wouldn't want to see the room later!), he'll just keep going off as he did.  If your mother lives far enough away that he won't "take off" to the same places, of if he currently gives her the respect you both deserve, at least that will give you time to check facts and establish a plan.

 

I'm not a big proponent of military schools for other than those who choose them -and I mean student choice, not parent.  Boot camps of the sort you hear about for teens are generally not as effective in changing behavior as you may think.  Your best choices/options depend on where you live and how much you can afford.  The decision also involves how far he is into marijuana and whatever else.  Rural areas generally have fewer resources nearby.  Some care is needed in choosing any program to be sure it is a reasonable fit, reasonably effective, and won't wind up introducing him to worse behaviors (it has happened - even in a hospital).

 

First place to check might be a county, or perhaps state youth services bureau.  That might uncover an excellent local "solution" and at little or no cost.  Assuming these issues are new, and he was fairly "normal" and predictable (whatever that is for a 14 year old) before, and if he is at least not unwilling, an OutwardBound Intercept program might be "just the thing".  You can read about the latter on their web site; it takes 4 weeks and costs perhaps $7,000, as I recall.  I've seen the good a guided wilderness experience with focused discussions can do, and can think of nothing better on several levels.  Beyond OutwardBound, the next level, in my view, would be a more intensive wilderness program at a cost of 2 to 4 times as much.

 

The ideas here are to provided guided and supervised experiences that will enhance his understanding of himself, add to his skills, and boost his self-esteem.  (Drug use often is associated with low self-esteem.)  Wilderness adds a crystal clear connection between one's choices/actions and effects.  His own choices - how to prepare his sleeping area, whether or not he makes a fire - will directly affect his comfort, with nobody to credit or blame but himself. 

My ex-husband divorced when my son was about two years old.  I have always had physical custody and his father has visited him on all opportunites.  Recently I found a bag of valium & vicodin in his room, and confronted him about it.  We went to seek a counselor's advice and he told us to write up a drug & alcohold/behavior contract, which he promptly wadded up & chucked.  He said that he wanted to go and live with his father.  Now he's there and he doesn't want to talk to me or visit.  His father sides with him and tells me that I created the whole situation.  I keep trying to call and or write him, to keep some type of relationship going with him.  I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.  I don't what direction to go.  I've set up a counseling appointment for him to go to in his father's area.  I hope that it will help, but at this point it doesn't sound good.  Please advise me on how I can proceed with this.  Thank you.

For 2.5 yrs our daughter has been lying stealing drinking staying out all night and recently tried e's, we have grounded her, taken phone away, stopped pc use all to no avail. She's normal (almost pleasant for teen) when she's grounded but as son as we relax the rules again she lets us down. She was arrested at 16 for drink driving offences, without a license and has got off pretty lightly through the court. Yet as this is all being dealt with in court and with corrective services she as stolen from us again and for the 2nd time my sons friends wallet. She is now claiming she had to pay a debt (she's alway the victim in her mind) relating to drugs, the sympathy card has been played before. Tonight we have to decide do we report her to police or not, I dont want to send er to juvenile detention but I cant see the bad behaviour coming to an end, she's had so many chances and is breaking our hearts. She's seen the tears but it doesnt seem to phase her, and she knows they dont come easily, the brave face is harder to keep these days.

I strongly urge you to seek professional therapy for your daughter as soon as possible. She is 16, you only have two years to try and change her victim-mentality.
I’m just curious to know, when your daughter tells you that she “had” to steal money to pay a debt, what is your response to her? And what is her punishment? I think that it would be most productive if the person who had the wallet stolen is the one who reports it to the police instead of you. Please remember that it is NOT you sending her to juvenile detention, it her own choices and actions that is putting her there.
Your daughter isn’t going to change, she has proven this to you in the past 2.5 years. As her parent, it is up to you to create the healthy change in her by taking action. That action, again, is professional therapy. It is important that you take all the action possible to get her on the road to living a healthy, happy life. I wish you the best!

To open, I'd not report her to the police.  I can see no good coming of it.

 

2 1/2 years is a long time for the kind of behavior you have seen to get established. I guess you've seen the problems get worse lately though. In any case, there is no "quick fix". What you've described seems like a key issue is drug abuse, probably along with low self-esteem, but the drug issue is most likely behind the stealing. And, drug abuse often has been going on for some time before parents become aware of it.

 

The fastest chance with an intensive intervention would take a couple of months, cost many thousands of dollars, and still require follow-up rules and supports. More likely, and probably more affordable approaches will take longer. And, at the "end", there is no guarantee. Exactly what to do depends on several things, including money available. It is easy to suggest a psychological evaluation, and in time that would be appropriate, but the first thing really should be to get the drugs "out" of her system, at least as much as circumstances permit. That may mean intensive restrictions and supervision. It could also involve an away-from-home experience.

 

A place to start would be your local/county youth services agency. They may have appropriate programs locally, or may (should!) know of some. If that doesn't produce satisfactory answers, try the corresponding state government agency. I'd like to suggest a school counselor if they were still reachable, but there is the real risk that something could get into her "official" record or otherwise create more problems where there aren't any.

 

If she were willing, and if you could afford it, an OutwardBound Intercept experience could be useful. If you look into that, discuss her history - specifically length of time of the behaviors at issue here - with them before you talk with her. Still, I believe she'd need local supports afterward - or after any away-from-home program - so you still need to look at local services anyway.

 

There is a wide range of other possible programs, including therapeutic schools. If you think they may prove necessary, with more information I can offer suggestions, but costs there usually would run above $50,000, and could top twice that. Sometimes they are the best choice. but almost never the first places to consider.

I guess the first thing might be to talk with the counselor who suggested the behavior contract.  Next might be talking with the other counselor.  Then, at some point, you need to talk with his dad.  I suggest that talk be in the company of one of the counselors in whom you have some confidence and who has seen your son enough to get some idea of "things".  Then see where things are and you can think of next steps - if any are needed.  But, the idea is to have a neutral party, the counselor, get at least you and your ex "on the same page", and maybe get your son on board too.

I haven't read all the posts... but I did raise three children and know that the Teen years are by far the worse.  I told my husband after my second child started acting up that when we have them raised I was going to get T-shirts made saying "I survived raising 3 teenagers!"  and start the "I survived the teens" club. 

 

I do believe that aliens start cloning our children around the age of 13 or 14 (you can tell cuz they start to smell and eat EVERYTHING as long as it isn't healthy).  Around 15 or 16 they exchange these clones for our good children... you know they are clones when you start looking at them like they are something out of this world and say "this isn't the child I raised!"  They keep them for a few years and exchange them back (usually when it is time for them to be on their own and support themselves).  You can tell when you get your own children back because you could hear phrases like "you were right mom" and "I can't believe how much gas costs... don't they know I have OTHER bills to pay?"  It is a secret though, where they have been.  Just ask them and they will roll their eyes and say "oh mommmm".  I will never forget my oldest when he and his friend were sharing a trailer and let a 18 year old move in with them.  He wasn't getting along with his parents and still was a senior in high school.  My son and his friend said he wouldn't have to pay rent since school comes first (this comes from a boy who told me school was stupid and he can't wait to be finished)... he would only have to do some chores for his share of rent and he would have to pay some towards groceries.  My son came over one evening and said "Trent is starting to get on our nerves.. he doesn't have to pay rent, just do chores and he won't do them.  Then I will buy sandwiches and stuff for my lunches and he will eat them after we go to bed.  The worse is that he doesn't come home by the time he is suppose too and then we have to worry if he was ok" (this was a big problem between my son and I also).  I just smiled and said "yes... I know... I had a 18 year old boy once too"   He stopped and looked at me and said "I WASN'T that bad!"  I smiled and said "yes.. yes you were"  He said "well I shouldn't have to put up with it, he isn't MY son!"  I said "guess what... even if it IS your son, you shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior" 

 

Thing is we raise our children and they are influenced by other people around them, not only home life.  Friends are a big influence and if they are running around with ones that are negitive, you need to put a stop to it before it gets bad. 

 

Drug tests are available over the counter, but watch them with it since they do know how to get a false negitive.  There is resources around if you look for them.  With our youngest, we went as far as putting a child in need of supervision order on him at 15 since he had a 36 year old man giving him pot and taking him across state line to shop and all without our knowing.  After finding some letters from this man to my son, we (the police, county attorney and my husband and I) believe that he was grooming our son for child molestation.  Befriending him and earning his trust while turning him against us ( your parents never let you have any freedom) and such.  While nothing happened, we feel that had we not stepped in at the first sign of trouble, something very bad could have came out of this "friendship".  When we were able to get cooperation from my son, unwillingly agreement to testifiy against this man, the man took off.  They were ready to arrest him but he left the state and disappeared.  Once my son turned 18 and the agreement to testify wasn't valid anymore, this man came back and wanted to start up a friendship with my son again.  My son, by now seen how negitive this guy was and told him to get lost.   Teens are a rough age and need more supervision then even younger children do.

 

Oh ya.. and remember... beware of the DMV.... their camera's sucks the brains right out of teens!

 

Parents... be strict, but cool (that is how my youngest son discribed me to one of his friends after we got through all the trouble) and most of all, keep a sense of humor and the words "this too shall pass" close to you at all times.

Get a handle on this anyway you can.  My brother's step daughter is now 30 years old and in and out of jail for drugs and stealing to pay for that habit.  The real victims are her 4 and 6 year old daughters.  When she got drunk and beat on my sister in law, niece (her sister) her maternal grandmother and her maternal aunt after my niece's (her sister) graduation, my brother had the police come and pick her up.  She is on probation and she broke it.  She had stolen some money from her sister and she wouldn't press charges.  My niece said that if she did she would get no less then 6  years in jail and her daughters wouldn't see her until they were almost teenagers.  She couldn't do that to the girls.

 

Try getting help for rehab, inpatient rehab.  If there isn't any help with that, try anything you can to get a hold of the situation.  We put my son on a Child in need of Supervision order when he got mixed up into things that was really dangerous for him.  It is a probation but a parent ordered probation.  He had to go infront of the judge who told him that these are your rules... if you don't follow them you will get sent to boys school.  The rules were very strict and I hated that it took away our choice on somethings as parents but in the situation it was nessessary and turned out to be the best thing possible for him.  He was 15 and had a 36 year old man obessed with him who was giving him pot and even though I told the man to stay away from him, he would take him across state line to go shopping.  I needed a restraining order against him, but unless my son was willing to stay away from him, a restraining order wouldn't work.  I was scared this man who had no ties to this community could take off with him and I wouldn't be able to find him. 

 

Take it as far as you can to get her cleaned up.  She will hate you, she will fight with you, but when she is cleaned up she will know you did it for her.  You just need to keep telling her that you love her.  My son isn't bitter at all that we went to such lengths to save him.  He sees what we see now.  That this guy was not a friend. 

I'm 21 with a 19 year old girl friend, we've been dating for about 3 years now. She has a litte brother that just turned 14, and he is the biggest jerk I have ever met. He talks back to his parents all the time, he talks like crap to me and mostly his sister (my girlfriend). Just yesterday we were at her aunts house having a cook out. I was downstairs playing video games with her cousin and little brother. After a while, my girl friend comes down to hang out and sits next to her brother and starts tickling him, just playing aroung. He gets pissed, and smacks her in the face and starts punching her in the back. I told him he needed to stop and not to treat my girl friend that way, he just tells me to shut up and mind my own business. If I was 4 years younger, I probably would have gotten up and kncocked the crap out of him, but since I'm 21 I could get put in jail for child abuse. So, the next day I tell her mother what had happened and she just laughed it off like it was nothing, this really irriated me. They let him get away with his smart mouth and attitude. From what my girl friend tells me, when her dad wants to punish him, her mom won't let him... He complains everytime they make him do chores, he can't make himself something to eat, he asks his mom to do it for him. This is what kills me, about a year ago he begged his parents to get him a dog. They got him one, a playful dogs that likes attention. He never feeds it, makes his sister do is since she has her own dog. He never plays with it, I'm at her house about 3 days a week and I play with it more than he does. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid he's going to say something smart to me or my girl friend, or try to hit her again, and I'm going to lose it and get myself into trouble. Any thoughts?