Message Boards

Topic : Working Moms

Number of Replies: 83
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:41:00 pm
Author : dataimport
Do you work outside of the home? Share advice on juggling family and work with other moms in the workforce.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

December 8, 2006, 7:06 am CST

Have i failed as a mother???

Well let me start out by saying that i am a 34 year old women with 1 child 10 years old, (going on 20).. My problem is i feel i have failed as a mother, i will explain as best as i can, i have been working ever since my son was about 2 years old,  now he is 10, he is struggling through school reading at a grade 2 level and his math is at the same grade, when i would come home from work i was always so tired that i basically would pawn him off on the computer and that would be the end of the night, now i am paying the price 8 years later he is not interested in school, at all says that he hates it, says that its boring, all he cares about is lunch and recess, i am in trouble, i have been taking the time in the last few months to read with him and practice his math with him (when i can grab his attention) and try to get him somewhat interested in school but its just not working i don't know what else to do, i feel i have definetly failed him, i feel guilty that i was selfish and did not take the time to do all the stuff i needed to do as he was growing, Yes i have a husband and thats a whole other story, i feel that he is to blame as well, since he was the computer junkie when my son was little, he did not spend the time with him as well, but back to me, i am pleading for help can i fix this???? Mom's Grandmothers, anyone please help me. ????IS IT TOO LATE??? AM I A BAD MOTHER, HAVE I FAILED MY SONS' EDUCATION???
 
January 23, 2007, 7:17 pm CST

desperate Mom

My son is 11 and is in the fifth grade.  He has the "potential" to be a very bright young man.  My husband and I both work full time jobs.  My husband is home roughly about 30-45 minutes after my son.  I get home a few hours later.  The problem we are having is at school.  My son is very disruptive in class.  He is not taking his class time to learn.  When the teacher starts a lesson, he decides he needs a drink, or the bathroom anything to "get attention".  He has had one after school detention, and a couple of lunch time detention.  He has had to write the school rules several times.  The teacher is at her wits end.  When at home I see my son as a normal 11 year old going through normal 11 year old attitudes.  He does give some sas, but for the most part he listens, and is well behaved with reasonable respect.  However, he needs to behave in class.  I dont know how to do this.  We have takin away the phone in his room, all of his video games, no friends are allowed over, and he does not go anywhere.  He doesnt watch TV unless we are watching it.  Today I talked to the teacher and she suggested ADHD.  I personally  think that is the easy way out, and dont feel that is even an option.  We need advice on how to teach our son the proper way to behave in school.  Please help..thanks
 
March 2, 2007, 6:39 am CST

Guilty

I am a mother of two, 10yr old son and 8yr old daughter. My husband and I work full-time. I work 12 hour shifts at a hospital and attend nursing school. I feel guilty about being a horrible mother. I use to be the one that was home all the time taking care of everything, even felt jealous that my husband got to do things I couldn't (without the children). However, our roles have changed. He is now me! Because of this, my children do not listen to me anymore. They still ask me to do all of the things for them (get them a drink, run the bath water, etc...) I know they are old enough to do it themselves, but because I think they are doing it just to get me to be involved with them....I do it. Anyway, I see changes in them. My son whom was very close to me is no longer. He comes home does his homework, then goes to a friends (next door) or goes to his room. I see him to eat or to ask me for something. My daughter lies. She is hardly in trouble but when she is she will lie through her teeth no matter what the consequence. I cry so many times because I feel like I am a horrible mother. I am so tired some days that when they attack me at the door asking questions such as....will you get me a drink , will you help me with my homework, can you play this or that, mom can I do this, can I do that, here let me show you this...and this is before I even set my purse down. I get frustrated. I of course say, let me at least put my stuff down. Then I need to discuss things with my husband (things that we need to share about the kids, house, work, etc...) I lose my temper more often than not anymore over the silliest things. My son (who thinks he knows everything) wants to wear shorts to school when it is 32'F. So I say...NO, when you pay your doctor bills you can wear whatever you want, until then....it's what I say. But it turns into an argument because he smarts off, says he gets hot at school, he's not cold, blah blah blah. He is very disrespectful. He called me at work one afternoon after getting off the bus and asked me where I was. I told him, it's Tuesday after class in the morning I work...so I'm at work. He began to yell at me over the phone (at work) "Work, why are you at work" I again said I work every Tuesday after class. He again started yelling now with the crying fit "UH, you didn't tell me, why didn't you tell me" I said I did tell you last night, I'm sorry if you weren't listening to me, but it is no different today than any other Tuesday. Is this why you called me, he then says no he was calling to tell me they were home. I said good you're home. Goodbye. Well, when hanging up....I was in tears. My son didn't even ask me how my day was going, I didn't get to ask him how his went or anything because he was screaming at me.......He's 10!!!!! And I know it only gets worse. My daughter was sent to the principals office for the first time in her life for "stealing" the other day. I wasn't notified until she told me in tears getting off the bus. So immediately I was furious, not having been notified. She tells me her story...a little girl put a game of the teachers under her shirt and placed it in my daughters backpack. The teacher saw this and asked her what she was doing, the little girl told her that my daughter told her to do it, so they were sent to the principals office. My daughter of course said she didn't tell the other little girl this, but because of her history I kinda knew that probably wasn't true. However, I asked are you sure? You didn't say anything that could have made the girl think you wanted her to? my daughter said no, I promise. I asked again, are you sure you didn't tell her to? Maybe just to see if she would? No mommy, I swear. I told her I was going to call her principal and stand behind her as long as she was telling me the truth because I didn't want her to be considered a thief. And to let him know I was to be contacted immediately when this happens. However, when he returned my call he told me that she was very honest with him in admitting that she told the little girl to do this and that when he asked her what she was going to do with it she said "take it home and keep it"....I knew then that she indeed was guilty...I know her statements like that. So when I asked her after getting off the phone with him, You aren't fibbing to me at all are you, like the last situation? I am giving you one last opportunity to come clean. She said no, I didn't do it I promise. I said OK, because if I find out you're lying to me the consequence is going to be much much worse for that than the stealing........she said I promise. I said well I have a problem, the principal said you told him the truth and admitted it. So did you lie to him or me? She paused....a dead give-a-way. I of course blew up because this is not the first time this has happened (lying) and I gave her multiple chances to come clean. I told her I would never believe a word she said again, and that I could not stand someone to lie to me. I have told both of them, come clean and it won't be as bad as if I find out you've lied. She would go to her grave instead of telling the truth. But I continue to believe her and make a fool of myself because I aggressively contact the school and defend her......I can't anymore. So I feel like I am destroying my children....I talk to them all the time about why I am in school and that it will be over pretty soon, but I still feel like they think I don't want to be around them anymore.....and that is so not true. I love them more than anything and I can't get them to understand that. I don't even think my son cares. I just feel so guilty about everything. Raising my voice to them, not getting to see there activities, not being able to attend school functions, not eating lunch with them, not being home when they come home,  Fussing at them all the time about not cleaning their rooms, etc.....I just hate it! I feel like when they get older they won't be able to say one good thing about me. And it hurts.

 
March 31, 2007, 7:18 am CDT

Consider all alternatives? Take a step back and check out the entire situations!!

Quote From: christing

I am lost! I don't know what to do anymore. I had my 3 year old in preschool. My husband and I had to take her out for finical reasons. I work from 8 am to 5 pm. My husband works from 11pm to 7 am. He watches our daughter while I'm at work and then I take over so he can sleep. I know it is probably her age and that everyone deals with this, but she is just uncontrollable. She doesn't listen to anyone. She runs and runs around the house and is as hyper as can be. If I tell her no, she will tell me "but I said I wanted to!" She will repeat it over and over. I have tried every kind of discipline I can think of. Nothing seems to work. I have tried sitting her down and talking to her. She will scream and yell at me. I am pregnant right now with another child and her behavior is stressing me out. We plan games with her and spend a lot of time with her. I have run out of ideas. Please help me I don't know what to do anymore.

 

Christin

Christin,

I am certainly not a doctor, and am in no position to offer that perfect advice, but when I see comments like this, I think of my 2 1/2 year old son (who has the happiest, life-loving smile and attitude of anyone I've ever met).  However, this does not occur without a high degree of stress....he appears to be extremely hyper and shows no sings of adhering to boundaries or discipline.  This was difficult, as my 4 year old daughter was and continues to be effortless!!!  I too thought we were horribel paretns working full-time not focussin on our children, so my husband and I agreed to be 100% consistent with clear, precise boundaries.  Over time we noticed a slight improvement, but he continued to become overwhelmingly energetic, especially during outings, with company at the house, and at daycare, where he was a "difficult" child (almost being kicked out).  I researched ADD and ADHD, but was reluctant to label him in that...he could focus on tasks and he wasn't always hyper.  AND....he's only TWO!!!!   I thought all 2-year olds would show signs of ADD at one point or another, but this trend was showing no signs of ending.   I tried "dieting"...watching sugar, simple carbs, red dye, etc....I finally gave up and figured that both parents working full-time just wasn't working for him and we asked G'ma and G'pa to take them for a weekend so we could take a step back, evaluate the entire situation, and consider all alternatives.  During that process, I found a WONDERFUL group that was able to evaluate my son.  They are an intervention unit that assists with behavioral issues in children under 3.  He was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Dysfunction (SID), and there are many flavors of this.  His flavor happens to be one in which he seeks out sensory intakes and then can't process them "right", causing him to act out with what we thought was hyperactivity.  He now works with a Occupational Therapist and a Behavioral Modification Specialist and his behavior is on his way to an acceptable level now.  And, both dad and I continue to work full-time and are gradually becoming a much happier family.   I'm not implying that this is what's going on with your daughter, but I would imagine that if you and your husband are 100% consistant with discipline and are providing a loving nurturing environment where she feels safe (is the thought of a new sibling scaring her?), that this may be an option for you.  There are tons of web sites for you to research on your own to determine whether or not this may apply.  WIth another baby  on the way, maybe you can get the help you're seeking before the added stress of a second child comes into play.  And FYI....because the program I found was federally funded, it's been completely free.....therapists and all!!  Good luck!

 
May 8, 2007, 7:31 pm CDT

working mom

I have a 2 boys 10 & 12.  I have always worked.  Granted I didn't always like what I was doing and it never has made us rich.  It has allowed us to keep our heads above water and keep our family fed.  Given my choice I'd rather be home all the time with/for my family but like I said, we are not rich and I have to work.  It has gotten easier as the kids have gotten older.  They can do more things to help around the house than when they were little.  I now work part time in an office.  At one time I did daycare in my home and worked at a store 1/2 mile from our home, I've done in home sales parties, anything to make some money to help out.  I've always made sure that even with the work that I've done my family comes first.  If my kids need me I'm there.  If they were sick it was me who took the day off because my husband makes more money than I do.  If there was a snow day and someone had to stay home, it was me.  If there was a party or field trip at school it was me that took the time off.  I did it and continue to do it because my reasoning is that I am working these odd jobs that I usually hate and am totally over qualified for because I didn't want to miss my kids lives but we still needed the income.  I would rather give up a day's pay and have to skrimp and save to spend time with my kids.  I can't get any of it back but I can go and earn another pay check.  Now that the kids are older they are busier but they also know that in order for me and my husband to have time to cart them to all practices and games and friends and where ever they must help around the house.  They do dishes, clean, do laundry, they can even cook a simple meal.  In our house I always tell them that we are all in this family and if I'm spending all my time doing the icky chores or fighting with them then we will never get to do the fun stuff.  It can be busy and insane certain times of the year but it's our insanity and we're pretty darned happy with it.
 
December 7, 2007, 6:30 am CST

Working Moms

Quote From: cenobia

Hi Dutchkaren, 

  

I steal little moments for myself throughout my day.  For instance, watching Dr. Phil is my time, and I send the kids off to their rooms to play.  And I'm not just sitting there watching it either, I'm cross stitching or knitting, whatever, sometimes even reading a book.  Then after bedtime, I usually do the cleaning, then after that I'm free for at least an hour for whatever I want.  I feel lucky though, because I know many mothers who can't find time, even at night when the kids are asleep.  I also stay up late if I feel I need extra time to myself.  I can't go to bed right after the kids, because even though I'm sleeping, I feel I haven't had the quiet time I need.  Sounds funny, but if I do go to bed right after the kids, there is usually a great chance I'll be cranky in the morning.   

Another thing I have noticed from my friends, and something that was pointed out to me in a parenting class,   was that mom's always feel that the housework needs to be done on time etc.  Well it doesn't.  The dishes can wait, the folding can wait, the ironing can wait etc.  It doesn't need to be done right away.The end of the world won't appear if dishes are in the sink.  I used to clean all day long and when we discussed it in the parenting class it took a while for me to realize that they were right.  So now I don't do the laundry as soon as the dryer bell goes off, I don't do the dishes right after dinner.  They can sit there for a while.  Why should I miss time with my kids, or time to myself, or cuddle time with my husband because of a few silly chores?  My house is still clean, I just learned that it's not the most important thing I have to do.  LOL!  Hope that makes sense... 

  

Ceno =) 

  

keeping  in a halfway good mood through really hard times is not easy,when everything you do seems to

keeps  you from getting ahead bet i keep my head up and try again life never is easy ....

 
February 4, 2008, 11:15 am CST

Do You Feel Guilty For Needing Time Alone???

WELL DON'T...

 

You are not a machine, you were made in Christ's image and look how many times He had to go off and be alone....ahh never thought of it that way huh? Look, needing time alone is normal...feeling guilty for taking it is not...that is just the enemy whispering in your ear......"what's wrong with you? Why do you need time alone? Your kids don't get enough time with you as it is." You aren't going to be good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself first. You probably are already a wreck and need time, but you keep pushing ahead and making everyone around you miserable. (I say it cause I love you) :)

I wrote this letter to one our moms today....she expressed feeling guilty for needing time alone, this was my response to her....maybe it can help you too!

 

"Hey! I am glad you wrote....first you know what? It is ok for you to feel the way you do...it is OK! Deep breath. Sounds like you got a lot going on and you are trying to make a lot happen for you and your family and you know what? It is ok what you feel and it is normal for you to feel that way. The light at the tunnel is that you are moving and moving towards some people who can help...that is huge, so huge I wish I had that. I have to work really hard everyday to make things happen for my daughter with other people because everyone lives so far away...and I work from home and sometimes I need to break out and be alone. So you know what???? That is ok too.

 

It is ok for you and I and moms to say....TIME OUT! MOM NEEDS A TIME OUT. Once a month I go grocery shopping at 10 PM on a Saturday night. I get a coffee and walk around and ha ha....sounds dumb but, it works..and there is no one there to stress me out...and my husband and daughter are home sleeping. Or I go out to church on a Friday night or during the week. Or I pick one night every other week to just go out alone and get alone time. It doesn't matter what I am doing as long as I am setting the tone for myself and at home that, "mommy is going to go out for a bit."

 

We need that.....and if you experienced postpartum.....getting regular alone time to reboot and refresh is important!!! Don't feel guilty for looking forward to alone time. Instead when you feel guilty start by thinking.....its a mental health date for you....and check out. It helps me so much. Even when I'm like, what is 2 hours going to really do? I come home refreshed and ready for another week. Look you probably multi task like I do and sometimes I am beat...I am a mom a wife, a person a daughter....we wear lots of hats...so do me a favor and ease up on yourself and take a break......do it for me...because once you start doing that, you won't feel guilty for taking a break...you will feel guilty for letting your emotions and anger build up and taking it out on everyone else when you know you could have avoided it by just taking some time!!!!

Be well, and always write when you are lead to. Love ya!

Currently reading :
Broken Moms
By Liana Preble
Release date: 06 April, 2007

 
April 14, 2008, 10:15 pm CDT

I think I am a nit picker

Hello everyone,

 

I need your help. I find that with being so busy and guilty that I only look at what is wrong instead of what is right and good. This has ruined releastionships in the past and now I am using it in my parenting. All I think I say to my daughter is don't do this, don't do that, why did you do that, that was rude, you know better and so on.  I know alot of you out there are very patient does anyone have anytips for stopping yourself to think before you speak and to be really patient?

 
April 19, 2008, 2:58 pm CDT

Dear Truckingalong

Quote From: truckingalong

Hello everyone,

 

I need your help. I find that with being so busy and guilty that I only look at what is wrong instead of what is right and good. This has ruined releastionships in the past and now I am using it in my parenting. All I think I say to my daughter is don't do this, don't do that, why did you do that, that was rude, you know better and so on.  I know alot of you out there are very patient does anyone have anytips for stopping yourself to think before you speak and to be really patient?

I feel slightly better now knowing im not the only one who feels like a nit picker. I have 3 kids ages 17, 12, and soon to be 10. I am a single mom....have been for many years and the last 15 months I have been working the graveyard shift. With this being the case I am usually always tired because I like to be awake before they arrive home from school and often I am the only one who does the housework. It was always so easy for me to do it when they were younger that now im paying the price! We rent our house furnished so also im always worried about things getting broken so I do nit pick. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go on medication but I dont feel that is the cure....I want a miracle....for my kids to see how hard i work and to help out. They want to do fun things and get stuff but I dont think its appropriate when they dont help so that causes further problems especially with the eldest. I would like to just see his room clean without me hounding him. Am I wrong to want this? I too can use suggestions.
 
April 24, 2008, 12:25 pm CDT

Working Moms

Quote From: vlinderby

I feel slightly better now knowing im not the only one who feels like a nit picker. I have 3 kids ages 17, 12, and soon to be 10. I am a single mom....have been for many years and the last 15 months I have been working the graveyard shift. With this being the case I am usually always tired because I like to be awake before they arrive home from school and often I am the only one who does the housework. It was always so easy for me to do it when they were younger that now im paying the price! We rent our house furnished so also im always worried about things getting broken so I do nit pick. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go on medication but I dont feel that is the cure....I want a miracle....for my kids to see how hard i work and to help out. They want to do fun things and get stuff but I dont think its appropriate when they dont help so that causes further problems especially with the eldest. I would like to just see his room clean without me hounding him. Am I wrong to want this? I too can use suggestions.

I too was a single mom and I am an orphan, so I am always feeling like people don't understand how much effort I put in to things. But what I need to remember about with my nit picking is, I can always worry about what could happen but I should save my energy for when something does happen. I think I nit pick out of boredom, cuz even if she cleans her room I will most likely find something that I am not happy about. I think my real issue is being a negative personality. I find that I don't like a lot of people I know.  And I am always unhappy about something they have done or not done. Instead I should just accept them. But I let everything snow ball I think. I really wish I knew how to stop it. I don't know I need some serious help. But as for you YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!. Kids don't realize what you do is out of love, but they will later on down the road.  I once read that what you are waiting to hear you may never heat it so say what you need to hear to yourself.

 

 

 

Thanks for listening

 
First | Prev | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Next | Last