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Topic : I Want to Adopt

Number of Replies: 474
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 12:23:45 pm
Author : dataimport
Has infertility struggling left you ready to bring a child into your home through adoption? Are you finished having kids but feel the need to share your home with one more child? Share your reasons for wanting to adopt and love for children with us.

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November 14, 2005, 6:58 pm CST

why is adopting so expensive

I would like to know why it so expensive to adopt a child from this country or any other? My husband and I have tried to have a child of our own but I couldn't handle the mood swings and headaches I was getting from the fertility treatments. When I started to do my research to adopt I couldn't believe some of the prices I had seen. My husband and I both work but our combined income is not exactly what you would call outstanding. I have always wanted children but found out that it may never happen was almmost more than I could bear. We feel that as long as you provide children with a safe, morale, loving and stable enviroment that you income shouldn't matter. I mean just because we are not rich doesn't mean that we wouldn't be good parents. Hey rich people don't always make the best parents. I was told once that because I couldn't have children of my own was god's way of telling me that I wasn't worthy of being a parent. That cut me like a knife! I pray that some day soon I can hold a child in my arms and tell him or her that I am proud to be their mother!
 
November 15, 2005, 6:42 pm CST

I Want to Adopt

Quote From: michelleg3

I would like to know why it so expensive to adopt a child from this country or any other? My husband and I have tried to have a child of our own but I couldn't handle the mood swings and headaches I was getting from the fertility treatments. When I started to do my research to adopt I couldn't believe some of the prices I had seen. My husband and I both work but our combined income is not exactly what you would call outstanding. I have always wanted children but found out that it may never happen was almmost more than I could bear. We feel that as long as you provide children with a safe, morale, loving and stable enviroment that you income shouldn't matter. I mean just because we are not rich doesn't mean that we wouldn't be good parents. Hey rich people don't always make the best parents. I was told once that because I couldn't have children of my own was god's way of telling me that I wasn't worthy of being a parent. That cut me like a knife! I pray that some day soon I can hold a child in my arms and tell him or her that I am proud to be their mother!

you show them! 

  

keep persevering and you WILL have a child. think about it. 

 
November 17, 2005, 8:12 pm CST

Dear Dr. Phil. I sent you this letter in August and I have not yet received a reply. I though sharing my story with your members might help......

My name is Karen and my husband and I have been on this “follow the yellow brick road-like” quest to have a baby for these past four years. I know you have helped many other hopeful parents like us. My great aunt, Tina, is a huge fan of your show and she has been calling me nonstop, insisting that I share my story with you.  We are extremely close and I value her advice.  If she believes you can help us, I do too.

  

 

  

My husband Larry and I have been happily married for almost six years.  Our desire to have a baby began almost immediately.  However, a year and a half into our marriage I was not conceiving and as a result sought medical advice.  After meeting with several doctors, having two surgeries, and getting many unsuccessful infertility treatments, my husband Larry and I decided to do invitro-fertilization (IVF) and to our amazement I became pregnant.

  

 

  

 We were incredibly overjoyed and delighted. We were finally there; we were having a baby!  Within a few weeks, we learned we were having twins and we felt even more elated (if that was possible!)Unfortunately, six weeks into my pregnancy, I miscarried with one of the twins. After four months, to our astonishment and disappointment, we miscarried again; the remaining twin would have been a boy. Since our loss, we have IVF four more times, and four more times we were disappointed.  Four more times—and counting—in which we put all our hopes and trust into our doctors, believing they are gods. Not only have I had to take all kinds of drugs and give myself injections day after day, but we have spent an exorbitant amount of money, money that is far from disposable. Furthermore, our social life declined  We missed the simple pleasures of going out with friends; fun was beginning to sound like a foreign word. 

   

 

  

With all this, however, the hardest part of infertility treatment was, and continues to be, having the endurance, having the patience, of waiting for a positive pregnancy result.  Larry and I have literally put our lives on hold to have a baby.  Fortunately, our struggles to start a family has made our marriage is stronger and our love for each another more evident. 

    

 

  

But infertility treatments are only one part of our story. The emotional roller coaster had already been in warp speed when, during the same time period, we decided we would actively pursue the option of adopting a newborn domestically.  In our opinion, adoption is an amazing gift of life, a wonderful opportunity for us to have a family.

    

 

  

Our journey of adoption began in May 2004, when a New Jersey lawyer gave us the tools we needed to advertise in various states looking for a birth mother.  A toll free number was installed in our home and our Home Study was in process.  Joyfully, after two and half months of marketing ourselves we had found a birth mother in Fort Smith, Arkansas!

  

 

  

 A woman responded to our ad by saying she had a niece who was too young to have a baby.  Out of five hopeful couples who placed personal ads wishing to adopt, the aunt chose us! (She told us she had liked the cute picture of the “choo-choo train” we placed in our ad.)  The next day, which felt like an eternity, we received the call we had been waiting for: the young teenaged pregnant girl finally phoned.

    

 

  

 Her name was Carla.  She was three months pregnant and just fifteen years old; she was young, sweet and seemed very vulnerable.  She spoke freely about everything going on in her life and she felt giving up her baby through adoption was the best answer for herself and her child.  I was very nervous when I spoke to her at first, but I was also excited at the same time.  What if I say the wrong thing or she just decides she didn’t like me?  However, this was not the case; we clicked instantly and began developing a warm relationship.

    

 

  

Our attorneys, both in New Jersey and Arkansas, had advised us that having a young birth mother would make our adoption a high-risk situation.  The percentage of teenagers changing their mind during this process is much higher than adult birth mothers.  But, after much thought, Larry and I decided to take the chance and continue our relationship with Carla in the hopes of adopting her baby.  We learned very early on through conversations with Carla that she had many troubles.  Both her parents are deaf. She lived with her father, younger sister, a 23-year-old cousin, and the cousin’s young child in a small two-bedroom home.  She had been a runaway, spent time in a juvenile center, and had missed so much school that at age fifteen she was just entering into the 9th grade.  Both Carla’s father and cousin were not working. Basically, their means of support came from her dad’s disability checks and food stamps. 

   

 

  

Looking back, there were many red flags right from the beginning. However, to us, all of Carla’s problems only gave us more incentive to want to adopt this baby and offer him or her a wonderful loving home.  We felt Carla’s situation was awful.  There was no way she could possibly change her mind and raise this child herself.   She was just a kid and this baby needed a chance.

    

 

  

The first thing we did was set up prenatal care for Carla and made sure that she took good care of herself.  In addition, we set up an account with our attorney to help pay for Carla’s living expenses: food, rent, utilities, transportation, and doctor’s appointments.

  

 

  

 As our relationship progressed, Larry and I decided to fly out and meet Carla.  She was such a pretty young lady.  She was around five months pregnant at this time and really beginning to show.  As nervous as we were, we hit it off beautifully with her and her family.  We went out to eat, we went shopping for maternity clothes, and we also bought clothes for her family.  Their house was dirty and pretty bare.  The bathroom was rusty and unclean with ants crawling on the toilet.  Larry and I felt empathy and concern for her and her family.  We really wanted to help. During our visit, we arranged time to accompany Carla to her doctor’s appointment.  While we were there, we viewed this incredible ultrasound of the baby: it was a boy!  Experiencing this moment together made it even more a joyous reality for us that we were going to become parents.

   

 

  

Everything seemed to be going great with Carla. From the beginning we spoke on the phone everyday, sometimes a few times a day.  She cried to us often about her trials and tribulations.  For instance, there was one phone call in which she told us the police were going to arrest her father for writing bad checks. She also told us about the family’s constant fear that their gas and water utilities would be turned off because they could not afford to make payments. Justifiably cautious, we began to wonder whether or not this young girl was taking advantage of us and our vulnerability in seeking a baby…. Or, was this a young girl trapped in unfortunate circumstances, having no choice but to grow up fast and take charge of herself and her family? 

    

 

  

As Carla’s due date was approaching, our conversations were becoming less frequent.  We were becoming concerned because it now seemed she was only calling in times of crisis.  I tried to be delicate when questioning her about our concerns that she would change her mind.  She responded, reassuringly us that everything was okay and that she still intended on going through with the adoption.  It was January 2005 and Carla was due to deliver our son in February.  But instead of feeling elation, we felt insecure and feared the worst. 

   

 

  

We shared our concerns with our Arkansas attorney, hoping she could guide us in what to do.  After much discussion, we decided it was time to intercede and confront Carla as to her intentions.  But each time we decided to speak up we would have second thoughts. We wanted our baby so much!! 

   

 

  

Larry and I finally arranged our flight to Fort Smith, Arkansas for February 8th even though Carla’s due date was the 15th.  Our thought was better to be early just in case.  Throughout my conversations with Carla, we often spoke about the birth and what to expect.  She would always tell me how happy and excited she was that we were going to be there.  And I would always tell her I couldn’t wait to be her delivery partner and how she must squeeze my hand whenever she was afraid or in pain.  Larry and I often expressed our gratitude of being able to share this amazing moment with her.  We were going to be there every step of the way during delivery; we wanted to encourage her, guide her, and help her feel less fearful. 

    

 

  

We even had sent Carla a beautiful duffle bag with pajamas and lotions for her stay at the hospital. Looking back, I knew it was a mistake to be as generous as we were during the pregnancy, but our hearts reached out to Carla and her needs. She was just a kid!  She was young and could have been our child!

   

 

  

A few days before our flight, we called Carla during a routine visit with her doctor--but she abruptly hung up the phone! I tried calling her several more times, but her cell phone was turned off all day.  Immediately, we contacted our attorney and insisted she call Carla’s physician to find out what was happening. We also requested, if possible, that Carla be induced on or around the time we were to arrive in Fort Smith. 

   

 

  

To our dismay, Carla’s map of deception was unraveling. We learned the doctor planned on inducing her labor all along! In fact, he informed Carla of his intention a few weeks earlier so that we could plan our trip accordingly. She conveniently forgot to tell us.  

             

 

  

          Fast forward to only two days before our flight; we were literally packed and ready to leave.  But, instead of getting last minute sundries, Larry and I were subjected to a stressful conference call between the doctor and our attorney.  It was apparent to all of us at this point: this adoption was not going to take place. The whole situation was a mess, a bad dream we were hoping to wake up from. 

   

 

  

After confronting Carla about her dishonesty, she broke down crying.  She had changed her mind.  Worse, her father was now against the adoption and told her that if she went through with it, he would contest it.   

  

 

  

 I waited a couple of days before checking on Carla.  Our dialogue simply ended with my saying, “Carla, we care about you and this baby.  Please, if you need us for any reason, do not hesitate to call.”  As hard as it was, I decided that I would not phone Carla again or try to change her mind.  I felt if it were meant to be, she would call.  The truth is I felt she would call, at least to talk because of the friendship we developed. In my trusting mind, I thought she needed us as much as we needed her.

    

 

  

Larry and I felt terrible for days. Not only did I feel sorry for us over what we had just endured, but I also felt pain for my family and for Larry’s family.  They were so excited about becoming grandparents. I am the youngest of three siblings and I just had my 37th birthday on July 2nd.  My brother, sister, and brother-in law do not have any children.  This would have been one spoiled special little boy….

   

 

  

A short time later, while Larry and I were trying to recover from our ordeal, we received a call from our attorney. We learned that we had a huge outstanding bill from the taxi company we had set up for Carla to help her with transportation.  This service was to be used solely by Carla and that she was not to abuse this assistance.  However, we knew she always had a family accompany her.  But by no means, were we aware or prepared for these huge charges.

  

 

  

 The first invoice we received was in the amount of $667.00.  Fine, we paid it and told Carla how much it was.  We asked that she try to use the taxi only when she needed to and not misuse this service.  When the second invoice arrived, it was even higher-- $735.25. By now, it was about a month after everything had already fallen through. Larry and I were trying to go back to our regular lives when our Arkansas lawyer called us about the latest taxi bill.  It was $2,251.25! This outradgous balance was a contrived in one-month.  I was shocked and speechless.  It wasn’t even so much the money, but the fact that we had been completely taken advantage of. Pure and simple, we had been scammed….

   

 

  

 I am no longer really angry with Carla and I wish her well.  In the end, she’d said to me that she intends on proving everyone wrong and that she will give this baby a good life.  She will get a good job and go back to school.  I can only hope so.  I still often think about Carla’s son and hope the little guy is okay.  But I have to forgive to move forward.  And I guess writing you this letter, Dr. Phil, is also a way for me to heal.

   

 

  

I have dreamed of becoming a mother my whole life.  I never thought it would be this difficult.  I thought when Larry and I were ready to start a family, it would just happen, but, boy, was I wrong.  Since our adoption fiasco, I have taken time to reflect on our experiences. I have echoed past thoughts, asking myself these questions:  Why has life been so unfair to us?  What does this all mean?  Is this God’s way of telling me I’m not meant to have children?  After all, I have always tried to be a good and giving person.  Is my misfortune some form of punishment for something I had done in my lifetime?  Sometimes I feel like such a failure, and feel so sorry that my husband too has been subjected to all this pain as well.

   

 

  

But throughout my journey, I have always tried to think of ways to stay positive and grounded, not only for myself, but for my husband. Since my early days I have a much-changed attitude.  I still have my moments, but thankfully, my emotional breakdowns of feeling sorry for myself have been reduced to a minimum.  I have a goal, to start a family.  Clouding my mind with negative thoughts is simply unproductive and will not speed up the process of having a child.   I know this now.  I have also recognized the importance of reaching out to the people/professionals that really do care about our situation and wish to help.  

  

 

  

I have been ready to talk for a long time and share my experiences with other women going through the very same thing.  In fact, I have met some pretty amazing women through my journey and through support groups.  The women I have encountered have endured great heartache.  Yet, these women continue to stay strong throughout their struggles.  I guess by being able to share our stories, it has helped us all gain a sense of support, a sense of solitude, a sense of union, but, most of all, a means of healing. I no longer feel helpless and alone.

  

 

  

           After thinking long and hard about all the possibilities we have, from using an egg/embryo donor to more drugs to starting the adoption procedure all over again, we are still uncertain if one of these approaches will solve our problem.  Once again, we are in a waiting game, waiting for the results of a pregnancy test, waiting to hear back from an adoption agency, waiting to see if we have to go through again all the feeling of disappointment and failure.  But as I tell my doctor and adoption counselors, “If you could guarantee that one of these approaches will work, I’ll gladly give you everything we have.”

    

 

  

          As entrenched and painful as my story is, I know it’s not unique. I know that many other perspective parents go through the maze of the big business of infertility, the bureaucracy of the adoption industry. We are not alone.

  

 

  

           I am writing you this letter, Dr. Phil, not only to tell you our plight, to see if you can help us adopt a baby, but to show the world these unsung heroes: the husbands, wives, and partners who will face the unknown with courage, dignity, and hope—however long it takes.

   

 

  

          Thank you for listening, Dr. Phil.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          All the very best,

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 
November 18, 2005, 7:33 pm CST

I Want to Adopt

Quote From: kjlbvl

I have a hard time understanding people that throw being adopted in someone's face.  I can't stand when people say, "I am adopted."  I wish they would say, "I was adopted."  Adoption is the way a child comes into a family.  To me it makes no difference if a baby was placed in a family by natural birth or adoption, it is just the way they found their family.  Adoption can be a beautiful thing.  I know many a biological children that have rebelled against their parents and gone off the depend, but for some reason when a child rebels that was adopted, everyone says, "Well, you know, he was adopted."  Give me a break!  It has nothing to do with it.   I know many friends and children that had been adopted that do not have the desire to meet their birthparents because they feel they already have parents.  Did you know that only 10% of children that had been adopted want to meet their birthparents?  We only see the stories on TV because they are different than the norm.  Anyway, my point is that we have two girls, one by natural birth and the other  through adoption.  I know that people that have not gone through it themselves have a hard time understanding, but there is absolutely  no difference in our minds between the two.  They just came into our family two different ways.  There spirits were meant to be in our home.  We are so blessed to have them apart of our lives.  I could never pick one over the other and it drives me crazy when there is a difference in other people's minds between the two.  The adoption process, in my experience, has been nothing but a wonderful miracle.    

 You sound like a great person, who wants the best for her kids.  As such, I hope you will read and seriously consider what I am about to say.

I "am" adopted.  I "was" adopted, and I still am.  Being adopted is a part of me, just as it is a part of every adoptee.  No amount of love can ever change that.

There is a HUGE difference between an adopted child and a biological child, and successful adoptive parents are the ones who realize, acknowledge, and accept this difference.  There is also a difference between LOVING your children the same, and TREATING them the same.

Your adopted daughter suffered a loss.  She may not remember it, but it still exists.  I was almost 3 months old when I was adopted, so I have no memory.  But, I was a very sensitive child (I still am very sensitive), and despite the incredible bond I had with my mom, I was often very nervous and insecure.  My mom is somewhat of an expert on adoption (due to her seeking out as much information on adoption and adoption loss as she could find), and she always understood this loss.  As a result, she was able to help me to deal with my loss, and helped me to become a healthy child and adult.

It's true that any child can rebel, but adoptive parents often unknowingly push their child away because the child feels like an outsider, like they don't belong, or like they can't talk to their parents about their true feelings.  Adoptees are told to be grateful and forget their natural families, so when they feel differently, it's very difficult for them to express these feelings.  They often end up acting out instead, or they become withdrawn and depressed.  Some are able to put up a front and can seem quite content, but deep inside is a turmoil that can explode years down the road.

I must know over a hundred adoptees, in real life and on the internet, and only a small handful of them don't want to find their natural families.  I would say less than 5%.  Whether or not they would tell their adoptive parents this is a whole other issue.  There is so much guilt involved in searching.  I know many adoptees who have waited until their adoptive parents have passed away before searching, even though they have wanted to search since they were children.  It's so sad!

My mom always understood my desire to meet my natural family, and encouraged me to search.  She has been very involved in my reunion, and is considered a part of my natural family, just as my natural family is a part of hers.  This has allowed me to express my feelings, and remain close with her as I discover my natural family as well.

I would say this to anyone wanting to adopt 1) adoption is not a cure for infertility; it's a way to provide a child with a home when they don't have one to go to   2) it's natural for an adoptee to want to be reunited with their natural family, and this should be encouraged and supported   3) an adopted child is NOT the same as a biological child; they can be LOVED the same, but should not be TREATED the same, because they have suffered a loss and have unique issues.

I hope you will consider this, for the sake of your daughter and your relationship with her.
 
November 30, 2005, 3:35 pm CST

I feel the urge to adopt

I am a 32 year old female who unfortunately cannot concieve a child of my own.  Our only othe outlet is adoption.  Which I thought was great.  Unfortunately every where we look everyone slams a door in our face.  We don't have any criminal backgrounds. minor or other wise, we are upstanding citizens but like most people we do have our issues.........nothing major, but it seems no one thinks we are good enough to care for a child when we are already caring for my hubby's 2 children part time.  We can handle it I know we can, i just wish someone would give us a chance.
 
November 30, 2005, 6:48 pm CST

Adopted Single wants to adopt

Im am a 33 yr old nurse living in NY.  I myself am adopted and want to adopt a child of my own.  I unsuccessfully tried to conceive, and am starting consider adoption.  

  

I am not considering adoption as a secondary choice.  Having been adopted myself, I belive that I can provide insights to what its like to be an adoptee.  Also, I have always felt that it is my duty to adopt.  My lived experiences are unique and would greatly benefit a child growing up in that situation.   

  

I sometimes wonder if Im being selfish in wanting to adopt as a single woman.  I don't think that I should feel that way.  But the world is full of the mommys and daddys... and Id like to make the right choice.   

 
December 1, 2005, 7:17 am CST

I Want to Adopt

Quote From: smoke73

I am a 32 year old female who unfortunately cannot concieve a child of my own.  Our only othe outlet is adoption.  Which I thought was great.  Unfortunately every where we look everyone slams a door in our face.  We don't have any criminal backgrounds. minor or other wise, we are upstanding citizens but like most people we do have our issues.........nothing major, but it seems no one thinks we are good enough to care for a child when we are already caring for my hubby's 2 children part time.  We can handle it I know we can, i just wish someone would give us a chance.
 Have you considered foster care?  Many couples are able to adopt (or take legal guardianship) this way.
 
December 4, 2005, 1:16 pm CST

Foster Care is not out of the question

Quote From: caydensmom

 Have you considered foster care?  Many couples are able to adopt (or take legal guardianship) this way.
Foster care is not out of the question, but they say that people that have the conditions that my hubby and I have are also not eligible for foster care of adoption....... I just don't know where to turn, or if I should just give up.
 
December 4, 2005, 1:21 pm CST

I agree

Quote From: feng456

you show them! 

  

keep persevering and you WILL have a child. think about it. 

I agree, they say baby selling is illegal, but isn't that what some of these adoption agencies are doing???  Selling babies.......I just don't get it, my hubby and I can't afford all the costs it takes to adopt, but we can afford to care for a child, how is some one w/ limited means suppose to come up w/ 10 to 40 thousand dollars............aggravates me to no end!!!
 
December 5, 2005, 10:18 am CST

I Want to Adopt

Quote From: amytuori

 It really irks me when ppl say they are choosing to adopt when they can't have any kids.  Choosing to adopt is when you can have have kids but are unselfish and decide to adopt.  Ppl who can't have kids who adopt have no other chose but adoption. 

People like you make me mad!!!  My husband and I could not have any children of our own so we had a CHOICE of either not having any children or adopting.  (Yes, we could have done the IVF route but that is a different story.)  And yes, adoption is a choice that every couple makes -- just like people who can conceive having a choice of conceiving and having children or not conceiving and not having children.  My daughter is still my daughter no matter what happens.  And, to top it off, she is the lucky one -- she has two sets of parents, the set who gave her life and the set that is living her life with her.  It sure beats the rest of us who only have one set of parents!!
 
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