Quote From: btabury<<<Just because you can't have children, isn't the reason to adopt. >>>
Oh sooooo true! I wish more adoptive parents would understand this. Also the bleeding heart "I want to give those poor children a good loving home" should not be a reason for adopting either. I think both of those types needs to examine their ulterior motives before they adopt. As Nancy Verrier in the very beginning of her book "The Primal Wound" those couples who are infertile need to examine the impact infertility has on them before they adopt with counseling, and altruistic parents with children already need to examine their motives for adopting "those poor abandoned" children.
<<<We come with many challeneges as being adopted. Like, " Did you pick me or Was I the first baby to come along?" Or " Why didn't my biological parents want me?'. And of course the big one..".Who would I have been, had I not been adopted ?" Our self-esteem is challenged. >>>
Again sooooooo true! The adoption industry of course does not want to admit this, they send the new parents home with the child, and say raise them like you would any other child. But we arn't any other child. We are different, and we have different issues and while we can learn to over come these issues, it makes it much easier for both adopted parents and child if the parents are prepared for the fact that an adopted child might have some serious issues down the road. I know my relationship with my adopted parents would have been so much easier had they been better prepared by the agency. Of course being a product of the baby scoop era that wasn't likely to happen, and RARELY happens even now.
I suggest that all parents who want to adopt really research it, and do the HARD reading. Read the stuff that is anti adoption as well. Look at sights that are anti adoption and try and look at the prespective of the adoptees, mothers and adoptive parents who belong to those sites. Think about the things that may have gone wrong in their adoption process and ask yourself a big question before you adopt.
Would you want your child taken from you, coerced from you, MOST often because you couldn't afford to take care of them? Or would you want society to start educating and helping you to learn to take care of your child. Because the simple fact of the matter is that most adoptions occur because the mother is pressured into adoption because she is young and is poor. Yes there are those women who don't want a baby and give them up, drug addicts, abusers etc, but most of those children end up in foster care and not in adoption agencies. Many of the women who are drug addicts, or don't want a baby period have abortions, when they do carry to term the child has medical issues and ends up with in foster care or if lucky enough to end up in an agency the adoptive parents are lied to about the childs medical issues and MANY times is returned when the medical issues start popping up.
My point is that adoption in this country is broken, it is a for profit industry about the buying and selling of perfect babies while many wonderful children need homes. Many of those with in the foster care system. If you really want a child to love, think about becoming a foster parent.
The adoption industry in this country is a $1.4 BILLION dollar a year inudstry!
A few really good books to read, are "20 things adoptive children with their adoptive parents knew" by Sherrie Eldridge and she also has "20 life transforming choices adoptees need to make" both are wonderful books. My favorite though is "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier, I read parts of it with my adoptive mother and it was a healing experience for us both. We both realized that neither one of us was crazy, that there really was something there and it had to do with my being adopted. Anything by Betty Jean Lifton is great as well. Get to reading!
Hello:
My name is Kathleen and I am a birthmother. I was a teenager incapable of taking care of myself and talked into adopting out my child. I am not going to say COERCED as much as I would love to blame someone else though the truth is that I was an unwed teen that had no business raising a human being that needed more than I could give him in every way at that stage of my life. i am sorry that you had a bad experience. I see you have quoted some excellent books for the adoptee to read. Also there is a wonderful group called Concerned United Birthparents that are there for support emotionally as well as in your search or dealing with the other triad members. The adoptees, adoptive parents, and both birthparents should have a chance to connect and with people that have walked in their shoes and can relate to them. You can find a branch near you @cubirthparents.org. although the birthparents are in the address I wish to stress that the emphasis is on ALL of the adoption trilogy. Take care and I hope that this has helped some. Take care and God Bless you and yours.
Kathleen S.
