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Topic : My Adoption Story

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 12:24:13 pm
Author : dataimport
Share your stories of adopting and raising kids, or being adopted, with us.

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April 7, 2008, 4:21 am CDT

I AM LIVING THE SAME LIFE

Quote From: espouse89

I knew my mother before i was adopted and i didn't have much of a child hood.

I was always trying to get some kind of attention from my mother.

My mother did drugs and we never stayed at one place or home for very long.

But we where always together.

It was hard living in places of whom you don't know and seeing people come in and out people you don't know.

I was always scared but no matter what my mother put me threw i loved her and just wanted her to love me back. I was teased. And beaten by a lady that was my mother's friend for peeing the bed. But i was to scared to get out of bed to go to the bath room.

I remember some things about my past but its like a puzzle with messing pieces it doesn't quite go to gather until you have all the pieces.

It hurts to remember things but not sure if they are real or stories i made up to go by with life to Cher myself up.

my mother eventually gave be to my birth father whom i haven't seen nor hard of until that day.

She told him it was only until she got back on her feet. I didn't know what that met all i knew was my mother was living and i looked at her and said " but mama, your already on your feet" "and when your not ill help" But now that I'm older i realize what she met man was i and idiot. The day i was giving to my father sometime shortly after that i started school for the first time. They put me in fourth but according to my age i should have been in fifth grade. I was teased and picked on for not knowing how to read or writing like a kindergartner. I didn't know how to add nor subtract. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I was already a year older then all the kids and i was a few years behind. But i was determined to be like others but it was hard to understand and remember things for me. And if that wasn't bad enough at school i would come home to my birth father and he would find any excuse to pull my hair or beat me over and over. One time i was cleaning his closet and he kicked me in the back because i was moving to slow. It left a bruise of his shoe print for months. My mother hired a layer and i went into foster care. I moved place to place and home to home. My mother worked do hard in getting me back, we where even having weekend visits which is good. She quite using drugs. The last weekend visit the one that i was going to stay for good was the day that changed me and my life. She left with out telling any one, didn't even say good bye.

After that i went to group homes and other hospitals. Until a lady took me in, and later on adopted me.

 

To day its hard for me not knowing who i really am i was at least six or seven maybe eight. So i remember my birth mother and even the child hood i had i still love her i had bad times but some good memories.

I don't know what would be harder knowing my mother is dead or not knowing where she is or if shes OK.

I think about every day and i wonder why she left me.

I mean knowing little things like where i was born or how much i weighed when i was born, might not seem that great to others but would mean so much. It would make me feel like I'm a little closer to knowing who i am. I'm still a little bet behind in my education but i have come far.

And going threw the things i went through have changed who i am.

i'm 18 years old now

My "38 YEARS OF FORGIVING, FOR WHAT?? MORE PAIN????" Diary
 FORGIVENESS???    I,  GUARANTEE I WOULD LEAVE DR. PHIL, SPEECHLESS!!  MY SHOW TOPIC WOULD BE-- IT IS NOW,  AGAINST THE LAW TO GIVE BIRTH TO A CHILD, AND ABANDONED THE CHILD WITH THE BIRTH FATHER, AND THEN IN THE NEXT 18 MONTHS GIVE BIRTH TO ANOTHER CHILD, WITH A DIFFERENT MAN, AND REPEAT THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER.  MY FATHER BECAME MY BROTHER, MY AUNTS BECAME MY SISTERS, AS THE RESULT OF BEING ADOPTED.  ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE, BESIDES GIVING BIRTH TO MY CHILDREN.. IT IS A SHAME THAT I CANT INCLUDE MY WEDDING DAY, THAT'S WHY I NEED CLOSURE TO 38 YEARS OF HATE, HURT, NOT LIVING TODAY AS IF IT WAS MY LAST, ECT.....  YOU HAVE HEARD MY WEDDING DISASTER, THERE WAS A DEEP PERSONAL REASON WHY I CANT FORGIVE MY BROTHER IN LAW, WHICH DR. PHIL SAID IN HIS ADVICE TO DIG DEEPER, WHICH I DIDNT NEED TO AS I CAN NEVER BURY THIS, MY PAST,  MY PERSONAL  STORY WHICH I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD COME TO THIS AND I READ DR. PHILS ADVICE ABOUT "LETTING GO"  "FORGIVE AND MOVE ON" ECT.... NO!!!  MOTHERS SHOULD BE PUNISHED EVEN BY THE LAW IF THEY ARE REPEAT OFFENDERS, OF HAVING BABIES, AND LEAVING THEM. I RECENTLY WATCHED LAST WEEKS EPISODE  UNDERAGE MARRIAGE, AND I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE THE GIRL ON THE SHOW A BIG HUG....  I HAVE HAD A VERY HARD LIFE,  I THINK THAT IF DR. PHIL WAS TO HEAR MY STORY OF BEING 1 OUT OF 4 CHILDREN, ALL DIFFERENT FATHERS, WE ARE ALL WITHIN 18 MONTHS TO 2 YEARS APART FROM THE DAY, "ABANDONED"  AFTER EACH BIRTH, ABUSED, SEXUALLY AND PHYSICALLY,  WHY SHOULDNT THERE BE A PUNISHMENT OF SOME SORT FOR MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER WHO DID IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN??????????????????  I FOUND MY BIOLOGICAL SIBLINGS AND BIRTH MOTHER IN 1992, WHERE I WENT TO HER PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT  HARRAHS CASINO IN A.C. AND RECEIVED CHANGE FROM HER MORE THAN ONCE TILL I NO LONGER COULD HOLD BACK,   I KNOW WHAT FORGIVENESS IS I HAVE DONE ALOT IN MY LIFE, BUT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO MY STORY, THAT WHEN DR. PHIL SAYS FORGIVE, FORGIVE MOVE ON, WHAT ABOUT US,  THE PAIN AND HURT OF KNOWING WHAT OUR MOTHER DID, THERE ARE SO MANY TOPICS THAT YOU WOULD RECEIVE THE SAME STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN,  CONFRONTING MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER, MAKE HER ANSWER MY QUESTIONS,,  GET A LIFE MOTHER, I SEE THE TOPICS ALL THE TIME BUT IT TOOK THAT 16 YEAR OLD, AND HER IN PAIN, FOR ME TO WRITE TO YOU FOR THE HELP, OF LETTING GO, PLEASE CALL ME IF YOU ARE INTERESTED AS I COULD WRITE FOR DAYS, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT WHAT HAPPENED OVER 44 YEARS AGO, THE AGE OF MY OLDEST SISTER, IS STILL GOING ON TODAY,  LETS DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!  THANK YOU SO MUCH SHERYL, AND I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOUR STAFF AND THE NATION TO FACE THIS PROBLEM..                  THANK YOU AGAIN,    ROBIN DELAURENTIS,    PLS CONTACT ME  I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE.    RDDBABY36@AOL.COM

 
April 7, 2008, 4:24 am CDT

ME TOO, I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE

Quote From: espouse89

I knew my mother before i was adopted and i didn't have much of a child hood.

I was always trying to get some kind of attention from my mother.

My mother did drugs and we never stayed at one place or home for very long.

But we where always together.

It was hard living in places of whom you don't know and seeing people come in and out people you don't know.

I was always scared but no matter what my mother put me threw i loved her and just wanted her to love me back. I was teased. And beaten by a lady that was my mother's friend for peeing the bed. But i was to scared to get out of bed to go to the bath room.

I remember some things about my past but its like a puzzle with messing pieces it doesn't quite go to gather until you have all the pieces.

It hurts to remember things but not sure if they are real or stories i made up to go by with life to Cher myself up.

my mother eventually gave be to my birth father whom i haven't seen nor hard of until that day.

She told him it was only until she got back on her feet. I didn't know what that met all i knew was my mother was living and i looked at her and said " but mama, your already on your feet" "and when your not ill help" But now that I'm older i realize what she met man was i and idiot. The day i was giving to my father sometime shortly after that i started school for the first time. They put me in fourth but according to my age i should have been in fifth grade. I was teased and picked on for not knowing how to read or writing like a kindergartner. I didn't know how to add nor subtract. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I was already a year older then all the kids and i was a few years behind. But i was determined to be like others but it was hard to understand and remember things for me. And if that wasn't bad enough at school i would come home to my birth father and he would find any excuse to pull my hair or beat me over and over. One time i was cleaning his closet and he kicked me in the back because i was moving to slow. It left a bruise of his shoe print for months. My mother hired a layer and i went into foster care. I moved place to place and home to home. My mother worked do hard in getting me back, we where even having weekend visits which is good. She quite using drugs. The last weekend visit the one that i was going to stay for good was the day that changed me and my life. She left with out telling any one, didn't even say good bye.

After that i went to group homes and other hospitals. Until a lady took me in, and later on adopted me.

 

To day its hard for me not knowing who i really am i was at least six or seven maybe eight. So i remember my birth mother and even the child hood i had i still love her i had bad times but some good memories.

I don't know what would be harder knowing my mother is dead or not knowing where she is or if shes OK.

I think about every day and i wonder why she left me.

I mean knowing little things like where i was born or how much i weighed when i was born, might not seem that great to others but would mean so much. It would make me feel like I'm a little closer to knowing who i am. I'm still a little bet behind in my education but i have come far.

And going threw the things i went through have changed who i am.

i'm 18 years old now

My "38 YEARS OF FORGIVING, FOR WHAT?? MORE PAIN????" Diary
 FORGIVENESS???    I,  GUARANTEE I WOULD LEAVE DR. PHIL, SPEECHLESS!!  MY SHOW TOPIC WOULD BE-- IT IS NOW,  AGAINST THE LAW TO GIVE BIRTH TO A CHILD, AND ABANDONED THE CHILD WITH THE BIRTH FATHER, AND THEN IN THE NEXT 18 MONTHS GIVE BIRTH TO ANOTHER CHILD, WITH A DIFFERENT MAN, AND REPEAT THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER.  MY FATHER BECAME MY BROTHER, MY AUNTS BECAME MY SISTERS, AS THE RESULT OF BEING ADOPTED.  ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE, BESIDES GIVING BIRTH TO MY CHILDREN.. IT IS A SHAME THAT I CANT INCLUDE MY WEDDING DAY, THAT'S WHY I NEED CLOSURE TO 38 YEARS OF HATE, HURT, NOT LIVING TODAY AS IF IT WAS MY LAST, ECT.....  YOU HAVE HEARD MY WEDDING DISASTER, THERE WAS A DEEP PERSONAL REASON WHY I CANT FORGIVE MY BROTHER IN LAW, WHICH DR. PHIL SAID IN HIS ADVICE TO DIG DEEPER, WHICH I DIDNT NEED TO AS I CAN NEVER BURY THIS, MY PAST,  MY PERSONAL  STORY WHICH I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD COME TO THIS AND I READ DR. PHILS ADVICE ABOUT "LETTING GO"  "FORGIVE AND MOVE ON" ECT.... NO!!!  MOTHERS SHOULD BE PUNISHED EVEN BY THE LAW IF THEY ARE REPEAT OFFENDERS, OF HAVING BABIES, AND LEAVING THEM. I RECENTLY WATCHED LAST WEEKS EPISODE  UNDERAGE MARRIAGE, AND I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE THE GIRL ON THE SHOW A BIG HUG....  I HAVE HAD A VERY HARD LIFE,  I THINK THAT IF DR. PHIL WAS TO HEAR MY STORY OF BEING 1 OUT OF 4 CHILDREN, ALL DIFFERENT FATHERS, WE ARE ALL WITHIN 18 MONTHS TO 2 YEARS APART FROM THE DAY, "ABANDONED"  AFTER EACH BIRTH, ABUSED, SEXUALLY AND PHYSICALLY,  WHY SHOULDNT THERE BE A PUNISHMENT OF SOME SORT FOR MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER WHO DID IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN??????????????????  I FOUND MY BIOLOGICAL SIBLINGS AND BIRTH MOTHER IN 1992, WHERE I WENT TO HER PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT  HARRAHS CASINO IN A.C. AND RECEIVED CHANGE FROM HER MORE THAN ONCE TILL I NO LONGER COULD HOLD BACK,   I KNOW WHAT FORGIVENESS IS I HAVE DONE ALOT IN MY LIFE, BUT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO MY STORY, THAT WHEN DR. PHIL SAYS FORGIVE, FORGIVE MOVE ON, WHAT ABOUT US,  THE PAIN AND HURT OF KNOWING WHAT OUR MOTHER DID, THERE ARE SO MANY TOPICS THAT YOU WOULD RECEIVE THE SAME STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN,  CONFRONTING MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER, MAKE HER ANSWER MY QUESTIONS,,  GET A LIFE MOTHER, I SEE THE TOPICS ALL THE TIME BUT IT TOOK THAT 16 YEAR OLD, AND HER IN PAIN, FOR ME TO WRITE TO YOU FOR THE HELP, OF LETTING GO, PLEASE CALL ME IF YOU ARE INTERESTED AS I COULD WRITE FOR DAYS, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT WHAT HAPPENED OVER 44 YEARS AGO, THE AGE OF MY OLDEST SISTER, IS STILL GOING ON TODAY,  LETS DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!  THANK YOU SO MUCH SHERYL, AND I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOUR STAFF AND THE NATION TO FACE THIS PROBLEM..                  THANK YOU AGAIN,    ROBIN DELAURENTIS,  

PLS E MAIL ME,  RDDBABY36@AOL.COM
 
April 17, 2008, 11:59 pm CDT

What about the adoptees and what they go through?

My name is Renee and I was adopted when I was 2. My birth parents were married but very disfunctional so my mother left my father in Cali after he suffered a back injury and was bedridden and went home to Peoria Illinois. Once there she got a low income apartment and  bagn running around and dating and leaving us all at home with our lodest sister who was 4 at the time. Soon she met a man and he didnt want children so she called the state and asked them to take us in to foster care. They refused as she had put us in and out of foster care for years. So Children and Family services told her that they would only help if she released us for adoption. She agreed without telling our father. By the time he found out it was too late. There were four of us girls and  she released us three younger ones for adoption and kept our oldest sister. We were 3 and a half 2 and a half and I was not quite 1. We went to a foster home together but after only a month we were all removed as the preacher who's home we were in was found to be molesting the little girls in his care. We were then separated. I went to two more foster homes before my adoptive family came along. My adoptive father and mother had three of there own children, two boys 7 and 8 and a daughter who was 2. He wanted another daughter, she did NOT. But as she put it he always gets what he wants, so why bother to fight it. From as earliy as I can remember she hated me and her daughter my adoptive sister did as well. I dont ever remember a day that she did not beat me or call me names or yell at me. My sister joined right in and did all she could to make me get in trouble or feel bad. As we got older it got worse. By the time I was 6 my "mothers" favorite name for me was "little Puke". Whenever I would tell my "sister" Im telling Mom she would say to me" She is not your Mom she is my Mom your Mom didnt want you" and I would just turn and go to my room and cry becuase I know it was true. My "sister" would hit me all the time and call me names too and always do bad stuff and then go and tell her Mom it was me. I would try to tell her it wasnt true then she would beat me with a belt twice as bad for "lying" My adoptive father was very abusive as well and he would always come home from work and she would tell him I did some thing or another and then he would call me in to his room and take of his belt and beat me agian. Not spank me like two or three licks with a belt but just wail on me ten to fifteen hits until he felt I had "learned my lesson"  Every night as a child I would pray to Jesus that he would find my real Mom and Dad to come and get and take me back home where I would be loved.  One night I was saying those prayers and my sister told my Dad I was talking and keeping her awake...he came in and grabbed me by the front of my nightie and raised me up and began to hit me in the mouth with the backof his hand repeatedly I am guessing about 8 or 9 times very hard. I was 8...I went to school for the rest fo the week with two fat split lips. No one ever said anything ro asked any questions. My "Mother" had this rule, not for her children only for me that every day after school got out I had exactly 15 minutes from the time the dismissal bell rang to be IN our home. For every minute I was late it was one swat with the belt. It seemed no matter how hard I tried or how fast I tried to go... I rarely made it and usually got a whipping daily as soon as I walked in the door from school. One day I had to go to the restroom so bad but I was terrified of being late so I just started running home. Well I didnt make it anyway and then when I got there she wouldnt unlock the door and told me for every minute I was not IN the door it was more licks and then walked to the door as slow as she possoble could. I peed my pants and that just made it worse.  SHe was so angry that she whipped me in my wet underwear without my pants on and then made me sit in them all night and wear them to school the next day so I would sticnk and be humiliated. I was in third grade. I think the worse incident that came form the 15 minute rule was in the second grade....I had to stay after school and erase the board, cause it was my turn. Well I didnt make it home on time and she had come looking fro me with one of my brothers,. She found me about a block from home and grabbed my hair and dragged me home. When we got there she told me to go in to my room and take off ALL of my clothes. I was terrified. I did and when she came in I still had on panties. She ordered me to take them off and ley over the bed...She began whipping me with the thin leather belt of my fathers. I couldnt stay still after about the 5th hit and began to try to get away which angered her more. SHe hit me everywhere and then the ohone rang...she said to me saved by the bell and laughed...she left and I sat there sobibng and wondering should I get dressed or not...she came back a few minutes later and order me back over the bed again. I was so so scared and hurting and ahamed. To this day recounting this brings fear and sobs and it seems like yesterday. My life was like this my whole life. As I became a teen it only got worse. I began to run away at 15 and at 16 ended up back in foster care. My parents divorced when I was 14 and I loved with her....when I finally got put in foster care they kept me for a couple of months and then sent me back to my father. I lived with him only and it was ok for a while cause I was a senior  in high school. As soon as I graduated I was 17 almost 18 I moved out on my own and never went back. I found my real parents at the age of 24 and my real Father is a big part of my life. My real Mother still had severe issues so I know her but was never able to get close to her and she died in 1998.

To this day my childhood brings me nightmares and feelings of shame. I have sexual issues and have a very hard time being touched and I am so so OCD about cleaning my home. I am afraid always of letting anyone get close to me and I feel like I dont even know who I am. Do people even think about what it does to a child to be given for adoption or think of what kind of home they may end up in. WHen I was 16 before I went to foster care I was in a youth lockdown unit of a psych unit and that was the happiest I ever had been in my life. I was treated nicely and had MORE freedom there than I had ever had at home. There were 15 kids in the unit and out of all 15 of us 9 of us were adoptees. How sad is that! Sometimes I feel like I will never be worth anything  and this shame and anger and pain will never go away.

 

 
April 18, 2008, 12:17 am CDT

My Adoption Story

Quote From: luvmydusty

Isn't that sad......these people took you into their lives and loved you, as any parent would.  Blood doesn't make a parent, a parent is the one who was there for everything while you were growing up (hopefully).
It isnt sad it is honest. I am an adoptee and it is true... so true. My adoptive parents were monsters so it was a life saver for me to know that after I turned 18 I could go and find my real parents and sisters and I did. Adoption is not all about the parents it should be about the children dont you think.
 
April 24, 2008, 8:33 am CDT

A FEW TRUTHS

I am not the happy and grateful adoptee that you want me to be. Don't get me wrong. I was happy and grateful for almost 45 years – or so I believed. Had you asked me then how I felt about being adopted, you might have heard something like, "Great! I am so grateful to my (adoptive) parents for all they did and, no, I am not interested in finding my 'real' family. My adoptive family is my 'real' family, thankyouverymuch, and they are a wonderful family. I've had a wonderful life. Of course, I am grateful to my natural mother for giving me life. Oh, you're adopting? How wonderful!"

I enthusiastically expressed that view all those years because I needed to convince myself that my life was normal and right and that I was okay. I did it because everyone else wanted me to feel that way, too. And I thought I would die if I ever looked deeper.

Happy children

You've seen adopted children who seem to be perfectly happy, too. They smile and have fun just like those whose families are intact. They act happy and, occasionally, they are.

Yes, adopted children smile and laugh. Did you stop smiling after you lost a loved one? Didn't you still laugh when someone said something funny? Weren't you still capable of having some fun?

Did you ever smile and act happy to hide your grief?

Of course you did. But even when you smiled, those close to you knew it didn't mean you were happy. Those close to you accepted and expected your pain and sadness. They did not expect you to be happy about your loss. They gave you something most adoptees do not get: acknowledgement of, empathy for, and permission to express your grief.

What grief?

In the early '50s when I was adopted, little was known about the power of the bond between mother and child. Society still accepted Locke's theory of tabula rasa – that we are born as blank slates. John Locke died in 1704, yet his theory survived until the mid- 50s. Now, however, we know that even before birth babies are intelligent, remembering and aware beings with their own personalities.

We know that much of who we are today was created in the womb. We know that mother and child are a single entity, profoundly connected physiologically, emotionally and spiritually – even through early infancy. A baby does not understand that he or she is an individual until at least 9 months after birth.

Through their research, authorities have determined that, when the mother/child entity is split, it causes an acute and lasting trauma in both mother and child. The repercussions are ominous and tenacious. Though they become buried deep inside, the repercussions follow both mother and child throughout the remainder of their lives.

It is difficult, emotionally, to imagine a tiny baby's very real feelings about the loss of his or her mother -- the terror of losing all that is familiar, all that is comfort – the unique heartbeat, scent, taste, voice, rhythms and vibrations. Babies are born needing and expecting these familiar things which only their natural mothers can provide.

Even with this knowledge which has accumulated over the past 20 years, there remain those in our society who sever the mother/child entity as casually as they would cut a common earthworm in two.

Ignored trauma is another trauma

A child's first experience in the adoptive family is usually joining in everyone else's happiness over his or her tragedy. The child's first trauma is ignored or dismissed, perhaps in the belief that enough love will make it disappear. It will not. In essence, the adoptee is expected to dance along with everyone else on his or her own mother's virtual grave. Most experts in the fields of adoption psychology and trauma consider this dismissal to be the adoptee's second trauma.

The first and second traumas are the root causes for a number of issues and for additional traumas, which accumulate one upon another (what Betty Jean Lifton calls "Cumulative Trauma").

We may not want to imagine these things because it is uncomfortable to do so but, to act in a child's best interest including protecting his or her emotional health, we need to suffer through such discomfort.

Denial

Over 14 years ago, I began 9 years in therapy, struggling with a boatload of issues that are utterly classic in adoptees. I didn't accomplish much. The problem was that I did not connect them with my adoption experience. In all fairness, my therapist encouraged me to recognize the connection, but I was so deep in "De Nile" that I could not see it – indeed would not see it. I needed too desperately (like most of society) to believe that my adoption experience was the positive part of my life – not the source of my problems.

Denial is powerful and, in many ways, a gift. It is a state we create in order to avoid feeling the pain of seeing the truth. When a baby's world is gone, he or she does whatever it takes to survive. If the child does not get empathy and permission to grieve, he or she has no choice but to psychologically deny the trauma. And that includes smiling to hide the grief. The child begins to believe that his or her feelings are unimportant – even wrong. The child learns how not to feel.

I do not use the word "denial" in a damning or judgmental way. It is a normal and natural human survival tool. I not only acknowledge it but, knowing intimately the pain that comes with shedding that denial, I am reticent to nudge others out of it. Denial can be a trauma victim's most effective tool for survival, because revisiting the event that caused the trauma can feel literally life threatening.

The downside of denial unfortunately outweighs the upside. Denial prevents us from understanding and effectively managing all the issues that stem from the disintegration of the mother/child entity. What are the most common issues?

Identity

Issues of the adoptee are barely acknowledged by society and then only in those who are of a different race than the adoptive family – as if physical differences are the only ones that matter. But there are reasons why we see repetitive generations of lawyers, healers, scholars, actors, artists, etc. in natural families. It is not just a matter of continuing a family business or tribal tradition. It is a matter of like characteristics being perpetuated, generation after generation, being nurtured by genetic mirroring.

Even if we are not transracial or biracial adoptees, we still do not get the genetic mirroring that we so desperately need. We don't know how tall we'll get, or whether our hair will get darker or lighter, our skin clearer, our bodies thinner or thicker. We don't know who we'll look like when we're older. Our own natural characteristics are unfamiliar, so we don't know what we should or should not choose to develop.

Although such things may seem inconsequential to those around us, they are monumental to us, and serve to make us feel even more alienated, more lost.

When an adoptee's characteristics do not fit those of the adoptive family (or the extended adoptive family), there can be trouble. In my case art, writing and psychology were all frowned upon by my adoptive family. Yet those characteristics run happily in my natural family. Though my adoptive parents meant well, I grew up feeling like a bad seed. Out of desperation for approval, I pursued career paths that I thought would please them but even those successes were never enough to overcome their disappointment.

Carrying the surname of someone else's family also contributes to identity problems. The child is expected to embrace the adoptive family's ancestry, as if his or her own is immaterial -- as if living in the dark is no big deal.

Low self-esteem

Identity issues can explain some low self-esteem, a classic adoptee problem. Another cause is some adoptive parents' – and society's – (unmistakable yet unspoken) low opinion of the stereotypical "birthmother." Not only is this an unfair and incorrect judgment about our mothers, but adopted children incorporate these attitudes into their own self-image.

Along with this message, adopted children are often told that, essentially, their mothers loved them so much that they gave them away. This makes no sense. If my mother really loved me that much, she would have kept me -- therefore there must be something wrong with me. This creates low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem leads to people-pleasing. Adoptees are exemplary people-pleasers. That is why we so often appear to be happy and are pleasant to be around. Lots of smiling! Our original purpose as adoptees was to fulfill the desires of others, to make them happy. Early on, our authentic selves are sacrificed to fill those needs.

Powerlessness and control

For many adoptees, it is easy to fall into despair and feel powerless over circumstances that emotionally healthy people can overcome with relative ease. This is rooted in our separation experience, when we felt powerless, helpless and hopeless. Paradoxically, we can become obsessed with controlling other parts of our lives, those things and events that we can control. This is conflict waiting to happen.

Depression

Often, depression can come from the sheer exhaustion of maintaining pretense (being in denial). No matter how much love and care we are given, the truth is that we are (and will always be) someone else's children. Yet we exhaust ourselves emotionally, pretending otherwise because we believe it will ensure our survival and prevent another abandonment.

We also expend a lot of energy fantasizing about our natural mothers, and a lot of energy burying our authentic selves in favor of people-pleasing. All these things take a great deal of energy yet offer little reward -- fertile ground for depression.

Trust

One of our most common problems is that of trust. The original disintegration of the mother/child entity can literally destroy a baby's nascent sense of trust. Once lost, it can never be recovered. Only a tentative sense of trust can be painstakingly built by the adoptive family, yet it will always be difficult and sometimes impossible. Again paradoxically, we tend to casually trust anyone and everyone. It is when deep trust is required, as in intimacy, we tend to fall short.

Abandonment

Abandonment is the most common issue of the adoptee. Despite the true circumstances of the separation from our natural mothers, we experienced this emotionally as abandonment. Even with later knowledge of those circumstances, the early emotional experience of abandonment never leaves us. Relationship troubles abound. Other issues such as trust, identity, low self-esteem and control compound these troubles.

Many people have abandonment issues. For adoptees, however, abandonment is not just painful. It can feel like annihilation.

"Only eyes washed by tears can see clearly." – Louis Mann

Staying in denial, while it may be a refuge, hurts everyone involved. Although seeing the truth also hurts, don't parentless children deserve what they truly need? How can society continue pretending that the smiles are genuine simply because it is easier than acknowledging the underlying problems?

For those who genuinely care about these children and want to take that first step toward seeing clearly, start with one of Betty Jean Lifton's books, such as Journey of the Adopted Self or Nancy Verrier's The Primal Wound. They offer insight into the issues of adoptees, adoptive parents, and of mothers who have lost children to adoption. Such knowledge and understanding can open our minds and hearts to alternatives that are even better than adoption.

Smiles as masks

Despite all these traumas and issues, adoptees smile. We smile to hide a world of hurt that neither we nor the rest of the world want to face. We smile because the world needs us to smile. They need to believe they are doing the right thing for us, to forget those silly "issues," and call us "happy." By smiling, we help them do that.

Next time you encounter a "happy" and "grateful" adoptee who had "wonderful" adoptive parents and a "wonderful" life, look a little closer

 
April 29, 2008, 9:34 am CDT

keeping the part that was given to you.

I think its really sad how some mothers give there children up thinking its the best thing for them. I really think that it isn't..the proof is that so many of the children who were given up search for the parent or parents that gave them up.....how do you know who you are if you don't know where you came from...and how do these children ever TRULY feel wanted....my father left when I was 11 and I searched to fill that void....this is gonna sound chessy but I remember oprah saying that when a father leaves or a mother ther is a hole in the shape of he father on that childs soul. I really think thats why there is so much dating now a days they are looking for something that is missing in thier lives.....even if the parents are still their....some of them stil don't know how to be parents. anyways I'm getting of on a tangent....... so my thought is if I wans't adoptied........and my father left me can you imagine what these children are goig thourgh with both parents gone.......I had a hard enough time with one I can't imagine not having both. I really want to say to all the people who have ever been adoptied that I'm here for you if you need me and never feel that you were unwanted because you are wanted........I'm not reilgues or anything and I'm not the kind of chrisrian who says repent or your not going to heaven........thats not me ,I don't care if you have gotten high or given million dollars to chariety......I'm here if anybody needs to talk at all.........I really beleve that everything happens for a purpose and that we were all chosen by God.....we wouldn't be here if werne't chosen by him......so you were always wanted.........so I think the mother should keep the part that you were blessed with.......its a privelge to be a mother ...I'm 3 months pregent with beth and I love her and I would and have given my life for her....I want her to be happy she deresves everything and by golly I will not let her go through what I have gone through in my life to get to the place that I'm at...the beatufilly thing is that I'm here now and shes learning from me so she'll never go through what I went through........well that was pretty longed winded.......talk to me whenever you need to....Claire.
 
May 3, 2008, 11:14 pm CDT

My Adoption Story

O.K. I Have the adoption ultimate story.

I was adopted as a baby.

Had a teenage pregnancy.

Releaced my own Child in an open adoption.

Found my own birthmother and birthfather.

I have real relationships with all.

Everyone is connected.

Open to any questions, if you want to knw more just ask.

 
May 11, 2008, 4:52 pm CDT

My Adoption Story

Quote From: uk_macman1

I am not the happy and grateful adoptee that you want me to be. Don't get me wrong. I was happy and grateful for almost 45 years or so I believed. Had you asked me then how I felt about being adopted, you might have heard something like, "Great! I am so grateful to my (adoptive) parents for all they did and, no, I am not interested in finding my 'real' family. My adoptive family is my 'real' family, thankyouverymuch, and they are a wonderful family. I've had a wonderful life. Of course, I am grateful to my natural mother for giving me life. Oh, you're adopting? How wonderful!"

I enthusiastically expressed that view all those years because I needed to convince myself that my life was normal and right and that I was okay. I did it because everyone else wanted me to feel that way, too. And I thought I would die if I ever looked deeper.

Happy children

You've seen adopted children who seem to be perfectly happy, too. They smile and have fun just like those whose families are intact. They act happy and, occasionally, they are.

Yes, adopted children smile and laugh. Did you stop smiling after you lost a loved one? Didn't you still laugh when someone said something funny? Weren't you still capable of having some fun?

Did you ever smile and act happy to hide your grief?

Of course you did. But even when you smiled, those close to you knew it didn't mean you were happy. Those close to you accepted and expected your pain and sadness. They did not expect you to be happy about your loss. They gave you something most adoptees do not get: acknowledgement of, empathy for, and permission to express your grief.

What grief?

In the early '50s when I was adopted, little was known about the power of the bond between mother and child. Society still accepted Locke's theory of tabula rasa that we are born as blank slates. John Locke died in 1704, yet his theory survived until the mid- 50s. Now, however, we know that even before birth babies are intelligent, remembering and aware beings with their own personalities.

We know that much of who we are today was created in the womb. We know that mother and child are a single entity, profoundly connected physiologically, emotionally and spiritually even through early infancy. A baby does not understand that he or she is an individual until at least 9 months after birth.

Through their research, authorities have determined that, when the mother/child entity is split, it causes an acute and lasting trauma in both mother and child. The repercussions are ominous and tenacious. Though they become buried deep inside, the repercussions follow both mother and child throughout the remainder of their lives.

It is difficult, emotionally, to imagine a tiny baby's very real feelings about the loss of his or her mother -- the terror of losing all that is familiar, all that is comfort the unique heartbeat, scent, taste, voice, rhythms and vibrations. Babies are born needing and expecting these familiar things which only their natural mothers can provide.

Even with this knowledge which has accumulated over the past 20 years, there remain those in our society who sever the mother/child entity as casually as they would cut a common earthworm in two.

Ignored trauma is another trauma

A child's first experience in the adoptive family is usually joining in everyone else's happiness over his or her tragedy. The child's first trauma is ignored or dismissed, perhaps in the belief that enough love will make it disappear. It will not. In essence, the adoptee is expected to dance along with everyone else on his or her own mother's virtual grave. Most experts in the fields of adoption psychology and trauma consider this dismissal to be the adoptee's second trauma.

The first and second traumas are the root causes for a number of issues and for additional traumas, which accumulate one upon another (what Betty Jean Lifton calls "Cumulative Trauma").

We may not want to imagine these things because it is uncomfortable to do so but, to act in a child's best interest including protecting his or her emotional health, we need to suffer through such discomfort.

Denial

Over 14 years ago, I began 9 years in therapy, struggling with a boatload of issues that are utterly classic in adoptees. I didn't accomplish much. The problem was that I did not connect them with my adoption experience. In all fairness, my therapist encouraged me to recognize the connection, but I was so deep in "De Nile" that I could not see it indeed would not see it. I needed too desperately (like most of society) to believe that my adoption experience was the positive part of my life not the source of my problems.

Denial is powerful and, in many ways, a gift. It is a state we create in order to avoid feeling the pain of seeing the truth. When a baby's world is gone, he or she does whatever it takes to survive. If the child does not get empathy and permission to grieve, he or she has no choice but to psychologically deny the trauma. And that includes smiling to hide the grief. The child begins to believe that his or her feelings are unimportant even wrong. The child learns how not to feel.

I do not use the word "denial" in a damning or judgmental way. It is a normal and natural human survival tool. I not only acknowledge it but, knowing intimately the pain that comes with shedding that denial, I am reticent to nudge others out of it. Denial can be a trauma victim's most effective tool for survival, because revisiting the event that caused the trauma can feel literally life threatening.

The downside of denial unfortunately outweighs the upside. Denial prevents us from understanding and effectively managing all the issues that stem from the disintegration of the mother/child entity. What are the most common issues?

Identity

Issues of the adoptee are barely acknowledged by society and then only in those who are of a different race than the adoptive family as if physical differences are the only ones that matter. But there are reasons why we see repetitive generations of lawyers, healers, scholars, actors, artists, etc. in natural families. It is not just a matter of continuing a family business or tribal tradition. It is a matter of like characteristics being perpetuated, generation after generation, being nurtured by genetic mirroring.

Even if we are not transracial or biracial adoptees, we still do not get the genetic mirroring that we so desperately need. We don't know how tall we'll get, or whether our hair will get darker or lighter, our skin clearer, our bodies thinner or thicker. We don't know who we'll look like when we're older. Our own natural characteristics are unfamiliar, so we don't know what we should or should not choose to develop.

Although such things may seem inconsequential to those around us, they are monumental to us, and serve to make us feel even more alienated, more lost.

When an adoptee's characteristics do not fit those of the adoptive family (or the extended adoptive family), there can be trouble. In my case art, writing and psychology were all frowned upon by my adoptive family. Yet those characteristics run happily in my natural family. Though my adoptive parents meant well, I grew up feeling like a bad seed. Out of desperation for approval, I pursued career paths that I thought would please them but even those successes were never enough to overcome their disappointment.

Carrying the surname of someone else's family also contributes to identity problems. The child is expected to embrace the adoptive family's ancestry, as if his or her own is immaterial -- as if living in the dark is no big deal.

Low self-esteem

Identity issues can explain some low self-esteem, a classic adoptee problem. Another cause is some adoptive parents' and society's (unmistakable yet unspoken) low opinion of the stereotypical "birthmother." Not only is this an unfair and incorrect judgment about our mothers, but adopted children incorporate these attitudes into their own self-image.

Along with this message, adopted children are often told that, essentially, their mothers loved them so much that they gave them away. This makes no sense. If my mother really loved me that much, she would have kept me -- therefore there must be something wrong with me. This creates low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem leads to people-pleasing. Adoptees are exemplary people-pleasers. That is why we so often appear to be happy and are pleasant to be around. Lots of smiling! Our original purpose as adoptees was to fulfill the desires of others, to make them happy. Early on, our authentic selves are sacrificed to fill those needs.

Powerlessness and control

For many adoptees, it is easy to fall into despair and feel powerless over circumstances that emotionally healthy people can overcome with relative ease. This is rooted in our separation experience, when we felt powerless, helpless and hopeless. Paradoxically, we can become obsessed with controlling other parts of our lives, those things and events that we can control. This is conflict waiting to happen.

Depression

Often, depression can come from the sheer exhaustion of maintaining pretense (being in denial). No matter how much love and care we are given, the truth is that we are (and will always be) someone else's children. Yet we exhaust ourselves emotionally, pretending otherwise because we believe it will ensure our survival and prevent another abandonment.

We also expend a lot of energy fantasizing about our natural mothers, and a lot of energy burying our authentic selves in favor of people-pleasing. All these things take a great deal of energy yet offer little reward -- fertile ground for depression.

Trust

One of our most common problems is that of trust. The original disintegration of the mother/child entity can literally destroy a baby's nascent sense of trust. Once lost, it can never be recovered. Only a tentative sense of trust can be painstakingly built by the adoptive family, yet it will always be difficult and sometimes impossible. Again paradoxically, we tend to casually trust anyone and everyone. It is when deep trust is required, as in intimacy, we tend to fall short.

Abandonment

Abandonment is the most common issue of the adoptee. Despite the true circumstances of the separation from our natural mothers, we experienced this emotionally as abandonment. Even with later knowledge of those circumstances, the early emotional experience of abandonment never leaves us. Relationship troubles abound. Other issues such as trust, identity, low self-esteem and control compound these troubles.

Many people have abandonment issues. For adoptees, however, abandonment is not just painful. It can feel like annihilation.

"Only eyes washed by tears can see clearly." Louis Mann

Staying in denial, while it may be a refuge, hurts everyone involved. Although seeing the truth also hurts, don't parentless children deserve what they truly need? How can society continue pretending that the smiles are genuine simply because it is easier than acknowledging the underlying problems?

For those who genuinely care about these children and want to take that first step toward seeing clearly, start with one of Betty Jean Lifton's books, such as Journey of the Adopted Self or Nancy Verrier's The Primal Wound. They offer insight into the issues of adoptees, adoptive parents, and of mothers who have lost children to adoption. Such knowledge and understanding can open our minds and hearts to alternatives that are even better than adoption.

Smiles as masks

Despite all these traumas and issues, adoptees smile. We smile to hide a world of hurt that neither we nor the rest of the world want to face. We smile because the world needs us to smile. They need to believe they are doing the right thing for us, to forget those silly "issues," and call us "happy." By smiling, we help them do that.

Next time you encounter a "happy" and "grateful" adoptee who had "wonderful" adoptive parents and a "wonderful" life, look a little closer

  • I gave a child up at birth so i say this to you because i have been ther do you think it is also hard on the mom I did not want to give my child up but I was 16 no job no home nothing how could I take care of a child YES i shoulh not have sex if i could not take care of the out come BUT i was all so high on drugs I did what I need to do for ME and the CHILD  she will be 18 and we met when she was 16 we keep in touch I have told her every thing about that time in my old life I went back to school and in nursing now do well I have 2 other kids and they have met her to and love her I had the very very hard time leaving my child I still have A hole in my hart BUT i could not take care of her I love her thatmuch to do that FOR HER with love
 
May 11, 2008, 5:11 pm CDT

My Adoption Story

Quote From: luvmydusty

Isn't that sad......these people took you into their lives and loved you, as any parent would.  Blood doesn't make a parent, a parent is the one who was there for everything while you were growing up (hopefully).
I gave a child up  and i know that it will sound funny but I had that child at 16 to give up so that the two GREAT parents that she got  and now me and her have talked for 2 years now she will come to see and my other childen I have wated for her to come back to me and she did ilove her  Just like the day  Had her  she is my child  !!! mothers dont forget that child
 
May 13, 2008, 12:15 pm CDT

Come on, psyco babble

Quote From: uk_macman1

I am not the happy and grateful adoptee that you want me to be. Don't get me wrong. I was happy and grateful for almost 45 years or so I believed. Had you asked me then how I felt about being adopted, you might have heard something like, "Great! I am so grateful to my (adoptive) parents for all they did and, no, I am not interested in finding my 'real' family. My adoptive family is my 'real' family, thankyouverymuch, and they are a wonderful family. I've had a wonderful life. Of course, I am grateful to my natural mother for giving me life. Oh, you're adopting? How wonderful!"

I enthusiastically expressed that view all those years because I needed to convince myself that my life was normal and right and that I was okay. I did it because everyone else wanted me to feel that way, too. And I thought I would die if I ever looked deeper.

Happy children

You've seen adopted children who seem to be perfectly happy, too. They smile and have fun just like those whose families are intact. They act happy and, occasionally, they are.

Yes, adopted children smile and laugh. Did you stop smiling after you lost a loved one? Didn't you still laugh when someone said something funny? Weren't you still capable of having some fun?

Did you ever smile and act happy to hide your grief?

Of course you did. But even when you smiled, those close to you knew it didn't mean you were happy. Those close to you accepted and expected your pain and sadness. They did not expect you to be happy about your loss. They gave you something most adoptees do not get: acknowledgement of, empathy for, and permission to express your grief.

What grief?

In the early '50s when I was adopted, little was known about the power of the bond between mother and child. Society still accepted Locke's theory of tabula rasa that we are born as blank slates. John Locke died in 1704, yet his theory survived until the mid- 50s. Now, however, we know that even before birth babies are intelligent, remembering and aware beings with their own personalities.

We know that much of who we are today was created in the womb. We know that mother and child are a single entity, profoundly connected physiologically, emotionally and spiritually even through early infancy. A baby does not understand that he or she is an individual until at least 9 months after birth.

Through their research, authorities have determined that, when the mother/child entity is split, it causes an acute and lasting trauma in both mother and child. The repercussions are ominous and tenacious. Though they become buried deep inside, the repercussions follow both mother and child throughout the remainder of their lives.

It is difficult, emotionally, to imagine a tiny baby's very real feelings about the loss of his or her mother -- the terror of losing all that is familiar, all that is comfort the unique heartbeat, scent, taste, voice, rhythms and vibrations. Babies are born needing and expecting these familiar things which only their natural mothers can provide.

Even with this knowledge which has accumulated over the past 20 years, there remain those in our society who sever the mother/child entity as casually as they would cut a common earthworm in two.

Ignored trauma is another trauma

A child's first experience in the adoptive family is usually joining in everyone else's happiness over his or her tragedy. The child's first trauma is ignored or dismissed, perhaps in the belief that enough love will make it disappear. It will not. In essence, the adoptee is expected to dance along with everyone else on his or her own mother's virtual grave. Most experts in the fields of adoption psychology and trauma consider this dismissal to be the adoptee's second trauma.

The first and second traumas are the root causes for a number of issues and for additional traumas, which accumulate one upon another (what Betty Jean Lifton calls "Cumulative Trauma").

We may not want to imagine these things because it is uncomfortable to do so but, to act in a child's best interest including protecting his or her emotional health, we need to suffer through such discomfort.

Denial

Over 14 years ago, I began 9 years in therapy, struggling with a boatload of issues that are utterly classic in adoptees. I didn't accomplish much. The problem was that I did not connect them with my adoption experience. In all fairness, my therapist encouraged me to recognize the connection, but I was so deep in "De Nile" that I could not see it indeed would not see it. I needed too desperately (like most of society) to believe that my adoption experience was the positive part of my life not the source of my problems.

Denial is powerful and, in many ways, a gift. It is a state we create in order to avoid feeling the pain of seeing the truth. When a baby's world is gone, he or she does whatever it takes to survive. If the child does not get empathy and permission to grieve, he or she has no choice but to psychologically deny the trauma. And that includes smiling to hide the grief. The child begins to believe that his or her feelings are unimportant even wrong. The child learns how not to feel.

I do not use the word "denial" in a damning or judgmental way. It is a normal and natural human survival tool. I not only acknowledge it but, knowing intimately the pain that comes with shedding that denial, I am reticent to nudge others out of it. Denial can be a trauma victim's most effective tool for survival, because revisiting the event that caused the trauma can feel literally life threatening.

The downside of denial unfortunately outweighs the upside. Denial prevents us from understanding and effectively managing all the issues that stem from the disintegration of the mother/child entity. What are the most common issues?

Identity

Issues of the adoptee are barely acknowledged by society and then only in those who are of a different race than the adoptive family as if physical differences are the only ones that matter. But there are reasons why we see repetitive generations of lawyers, healers, scholars, actors, artists, etc. in natural families. It is not just a matter of continuing a family business or tribal tradition. It is a matter of like characteristics being perpetuated, generation after generation, being nurtured by genetic mirroring.

Even if we are not transracial or biracial adoptees, we still do not get the genetic mirroring that we so desperately need. We don't know how tall we'll get, or whether our hair will get darker or lighter, our skin clearer, our bodies thinner or thicker. We don't know who we'll look like when we're older. Our own natural characteristics are unfamiliar, so we don't know what we should or should not choose to develop.

Although such things may seem inconsequential to those around us, they are monumental to us, and serve to make us feel even more alienated, more lost.

When an adoptee's characteristics do not fit those of the adoptive family (or the extended adoptive family), there can be trouble. In my case art, writing and psychology were all frowned upon by my adoptive family. Yet those characteristics run happily in my natural family. Though my adoptive parents meant well, I grew up feeling like a bad seed. Out of desperation for approval, I pursued career paths that I thought would please them but even those successes were never enough to overcome their disappointment.

Carrying the surname of someone else's family also contributes to identity problems. The child is expected to embrace the adoptive family's ancestry, as if his or her own is immaterial -- as if living in the dark is no big deal.

Low self-esteem

Identity issues can explain some low self-esteem, a classic adoptee problem. Another cause is some adoptive parents' and society's (unmistakable yet unspoken) low opinion of the stereotypical "birthmother." Not only is this an unfair and incorrect judgment about our mothers, but adopted children incorporate these attitudes into their own self-image.

Along with this message, adopted children are often told that, essentially, their mothers loved them so much that they gave them away. This makes no sense. If my mother really loved me that much, she would have kept me -- therefore there must be something wrong with me. This creates low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem leads to people-pleasing. Adoptees are exemplary people-pleasers. That is why we so often appear to be happy and are pleasant to be around. Lots of smiling! Our original purpose as adoptees was to fulfill the desires of others, to make them happy. Early on, our authentic selves are sacrificed to fill those needs.

Powerlessness and control

For many adoptees, it is easy to fall into despair and feel powerless over circumstances that emotionally healthy people can overcome with relative ease. This is rooted in our separation experience, when we felt powerless, helpless and hopeless. Paradoxically, we can become obsessed with controlling other parts of our lives, those things and events that we can control. This is conflict waiting to happen.

Depression

Often, depression can come from the sheer exhaustion of maintaining pretense (being in denial). No matter how much love and care we are given, the truth is that we are (and will always be) someone else's children. Yet we exhaust ourselves emotionally, pretending otherwise because we believe it will ensure our survival and prevent another abandonment.

We also expend a lot of energy fantasizing about our natural mothers, and a lot of energy burying our authentic selves in favor of people-pleasing. All these things take a great deal of energy yet offer little reward -- fertile ground for depression.

Trust

One of our most common problems is that of trust. The original disintegration of the mother/child entity can literally destroy a baby's nascent sense of trust. Once lost, it can never be recovered. Only a tentative sense of trust can be painstakingly built by the adoptive family, yet it will always be difficult and sometimes impossible. Again paradoxically, we tend to casually trust anyone and everyone. It is when deep trust is required, as in intimacy, we tend to fall short.

Abandonment

Abandonment is the most common issue of the adoptee. Despite the true circumstances of the separation from our natural mothers, we experienced this emotionally as abandonment. Even with later knowledge of those circumstances, the early emotional experience of abandonment never leaves us. Relationship troubles abound. Other issues such as trust, identity, low self-esteem and control compound these troubles.

Many people have abandonment issues. For adoptees, however, abandonment is not just painful. It can feel like annihilation.

"Only eyes washed by tears can see clearly." Louis Mann

Staying in denial, while it may be a refuge, hurts everyone involved. Although seeing the truth also hurts, don't parentless children deserve what they truly need? How can society continue pretending that the smiles are genuine simply because it is easier than acknowledging the underlying problems?

For those who genuinely care about these children and want to take that first step toward seeing clearly, start with one of Betty Jean Lifton's books, such as Journey of the Adopted Self or Nancy Verrier's The Primal Wound. They offer insight into the issues of adoptees, adoptive parents, and of mothers who have lost children to adoption. Such knowledge and understanding can open our minds and hearts to alternatives that are even better than adoption.

Smiles as masks

Despite all these traumas and issues, adoptees smile. We smile to hide a world of hurt that neither we nor the rest of the world want to face. We smile because the world needs us to smile. They need to believe they are doing the right thing for us, to forget those silly "issues," and call us "happy." By smiling, we help them do that.

Next time you encounter a "happy" and "grateful" adoptee who had "wonderful" adoptive parents and a "wonderful" life, look a little closer

My daughter and son are both adopted. TRhey have known from day on. My daughters birthmother was 26 years old.A really wonderful person. 12 years later we still talk at least once a year on the phone. By law they can not connect till my daughter is 21 and both have to agree. I plan on her being at her wedding.

My sons birthmother did not even want us to tell him he was adopted. I have been trying to find her since he was born. Even though I was there to deliver him, and through the pregnancy she does not want to e found. My children are very well adjusted. Yes they are HAPPY. They are free to talk about their adoptions and feelings on it anytime they wish. They usually bring it up around their birthdays. All this emotiona garbage you talk about is like you are looking for someone to blame for you unhappiness. Weather it is you birth=parents or your parents that raised you, GET OVER IT. Child rearing does not come with a manual.

They all do the best they can. You as an adult if you have good values and morals should be able to rise above that and be a better person. Your birth mother had her reasons; I am sure it was one of the toughest things she has ever had to do in her life. Yet you take on this poor pitiful me.  You are a very bitter individual. That is very said. Weather you were adopted or not You are looking to give blame to someone . Maybe it comes from the choices you have made in your life. Be thankful you had four people in your life who thought they were doing the BEST thing for you and go on. Life is to short to carry all this garbage and bitterness around with you. Believe it or not your past is your future unless you learn to leave the past in the past. Get a clean slate leave the garbage in the past and you will be surprised at the good things that may come your way. You sound like a perfect candidate for the landmark forum. You will be a better , happier person. I wish you luck. You need to start looking to the brighter side of things and be happy for all you have. It could most likely could be worse. Smile, Give yourself a complement, think a the good things in your life

 
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