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Topic : Searching for Birth Parents

Number of Replies: 1017
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 12:25:10 pm
Author : dataimport

Are you adopted? Have you met your birth parents, or is searching for them important to you? Share your story.

 

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November 17, 2005, 7:42 pm CST

Dear Dr. Phil I have sent you this letter back in August and I have not yet received a reply.. I hope sharing my story to your members might help....

My name is Karen and my husband and I have been on this “follow the yellow brick road-like” quest to have a baby for these past four years. I know you have helped many other hopeful parents like us. My great aunt, Tina, is a huge fan of your show and she has been calling me nonstop, insisting that I share my story with you.  We are extremely close and I value her advice.  If she believes you can help us, I do too.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

         

  

 

  

My husband Larry and I have been happily married for almost six years.  Our desire to have a baby began almost immediately.  However, a year and a half into our marriage I was not conceiving and as a result sought medical advice.  After meeting with several doctors, having two surgeries, and getting many unsuccessful infertility treatments, my husband Larry and I decided to do invitro-fertilization (IVF) and to our amazement I became pregnant.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

We were incredibly overjoyed and delighted. We were finally there; we were having a baby!  Within a few weeks, we learned we were having twins and we felt even more elated (if that was possible!)Unfortunately, six weeks into my pregnancy, I miscarried with one of the twins. After four months, to our astonishment and disappointment, we miscarried again; the remaining twin would have been a boy. Since our loss, we have IVF four more times, and four more times we were disappointed.  Four more times—and counting—in which we put all our hopes and trust into our doctors, believing they are gods. Not only have I had to take all kinds of drugs and give myself injections day after day, but we have spent an exorbitant amount of money, money that is far from disposable. Furthermore, our social life declined  We missed the simple pleasures of going out with friends; fun was beginning to sound like a foreign word. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

With all this, however, the hardest part of infertility treatment was, and continues to be, having the endurance, having the patience, of waiting for a positive pregnancy result.  Larry and I have literally put our lives on hold to have a baby.  Fortunately, our struggles to start a family has made our marriage is stronger and our love for each another more evident. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

But infertility treatments are only one part of our story. The emotional roller coaster had already been in warp speed when, during the same time period, we decided we would actively pursue the option of adopting a newborn domestically.  In our opinion, adoption is an amazing gift of life, a wonderful opportunity for us to have a family.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Our journey of adoption began in May 2004, when a New Jersey lawyer gave us the tools we needed to advertise in various states looking for a birth mother.  A toll free number was installed in our home and our Home Study was in process.  Joyfully, after two and half months of marketing ourselves we had found a birth mother in Fort Smith, Arkansas!

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

A woman responded to our ad by saying she had a niece who was too young to have a baby.  Out of five hopeful couples who placed personal ads wishing to adopt, the aunt chose us! (She told us she had liked the cute picture of the “choo-choo train” we placed in our ad.)  The next day, which felt like an eternity, we received the call we had been waiting for: the young teenaged pregnant girl finally phoned.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 Her name was Carla.  She was three months pregnant and just fifteen years old; she was young, sweet and seemed very vulnerable.  She spoke freely about everything going on in her life and she felt giving up her baby through adoption was the best answer for herself and her child.  I was very nervous when I spoke to her at first, but I was also excited at the same time.  What if I say the wrong thing or she just decides she didn’t like me?  However, this was not the case; we clicked instantly and began developing a warm relationship.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Our attorneys, both in New Jersey and Arkansas, had advised us that having a young birth mother would make our adoption a high-risk situation.  The percentage of teenagers changing their mind during this process is much higher than adult birth mothers.  But, after much thought, Larry and I decided to take the chance and continue our relationship with Carla in the hopes of adopting her baby.  We learned very early on through conversations with Carla that she had many troubles.  Both her parents are deaf. She lived with her father, younger sister, a 23-year-old cousin, and the cousin’s young child in a small two-bedroom home.  She had been a runaway, spent time in a juvenile center, and had missed so much school that at age fifteen she was just entering into the 9th grade.  Both Carla’s father and cousin were not working. Basically, their means of support came from her dad’s disability checks and food stamps. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Looking back, there were many red flags right from the beginning. However, to us, all of Carla’s problems only gave us more incentive to want to adopt this baby and offer him or her a wonderful loving home.  We felt Carla’s situation was awful.  There was no way she could possibly change her mind and raise this child herself.   She was just a kid and this baby needed a chance.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

The first thing we did was set up prenatal care for Carla and made sure that she took good care of herself.  In addition, we set up an account with our attorney to help pay for Carla’s living expenses: food, rent, utilities, transportation, and doctor’s appointments.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

As our relationship progressed, Larry and I decided to fly out and meet Carla.  She was such a pretty young lady.  She was around five months pregnant at this time and really beginning to show.  As nervous as we were, we hit it off beautifully with her and her family.  We went out to eat, we went shopping for maternity clothes, and we also bought clothes for her family.  Their house was dirty and pretty bare.  The bathroom was rusty and unclean with ants crawling on the toilet.  Larry and I felt empathy and concern for her and her family.  We really wanted to help. During our visit, we arranged time to accompany Carla to her doctor’s appointment.  While we were there, we viewed this incredible ultrasound of the baby: it was a boy!  Experiencing this moment together made it even more a joyous reality for us that we were going to become parents.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Everything seemed to be going great with Carla. From the beginning we spoke on the phone everyday, sometimes a few times a day.  She cried to us often about her trials and tribulations.  For instance, there was one phone call in which she told us the police were going to arrest her father for writing bad checks. She also told us about the family’s constant fear that their gas and water utilities would be turned off because they could not afford to make payments. Justifiably cautious, we began to wonder whether or not this young girl was taking advantage of us and our vulnerability in seeking a baby…. Or, was this a young girl trapped in unfortunate circumstances, having no choice but to grow up fast and take charge of herself and her family? 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

As Carla’s due date was approaching, our conversations were becoming less frequent.  We were becoming concerned because it now seemed she was only calling in times of crisis.  I tried to be delicate when questioning her about our concerns that she would change her mind.  She responded, reassuringly us that everything was okay and that she still intended on going through with the adoption.  It was January 2005 and Carla was due to deliver our son in February.  But instead of feeling elation, we felt insecure and feared the worst. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

We shared our concerns with our Arkansas attorney, hoping she could guide us in what to do.  After much discussion, we decided it was time to intercede and confront Carla as to her intentions.  But each time we decided to speak up we would have second thoughts. We wanted our baby so much!! 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Larry and I finally arranged our flight to Fort Smith, Arkansas for February 8th even though Carla’s due date was the 15th.  Our thought was better to be early just in case.  Throughout my conversations with Carla, we often spoke about the birth and what to expect.  She would always tell me how happy and excited she was that we were going to be there.  And I would always tell her I couldn’t wait to be her delivery partner and how she must squeeze my hand whenever she was afraid or in pain.  Larry and I often expressed our gratitude of being able to share this amazing moment with her.  We were going to be there every step of the way during delivery; we wanted to encourage her, guide her, and help her feel less fearful. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

We even had sent Carla a beautiful duffle bag with pajamas and lotions for her stay at the hospital. Looking back, I knew it was a mistake to be as generous as we were during the pregnancy, but our hearts reached out to Carla and her needs. She was just a kid!  She was young and could have been our child!

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

A few days before our flight, we called Carla during a routine visit with her doctor--but she abruptly hung up the phone! I tried calling her several more times, but her cell phone was turned off all day.  Immediately, we contacted our attorney and insisted she call Carla’s physician to find out what was happening. We also requested, if possible, that Carla be induced on or around the time we were to arrive in Fort Smith. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

To our dismay, Carla’s map of deception was unraveling. We learned the doctor planned on inducing her labor all along! In fact, he informed Carla of his intention a few weeks earlier so that we could plan our trip accordingly. She conveniently forgot to tell us.  

  

 

  

         

  

 

  

          Fast forward to only two days before our flight; we were literally packed and ready to leave.  But, instead of getting last minute sundries, Larry and I were subjected to a stressful conference call between the doctor and our attorney.  It was apparent to all of us at this point: this adoption was not going to take place. The whole situation was a mess, a bad dream we were hoping to wake up from. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

After confronting Carla about her dishonesty, she broke down crying.  She had changed her mind.  Worse, her father was now against the adoption and told her that if she went through with it, he would contest it.   

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

I waited a couple of days before checking on Carla.  Our dialogue simply ended with my saying, “Carla, we care about you and this baby.  Please, if you need us for any reason, do not hesitate to call.”  As hard as it was, I decided that I would not phone Carla again or try to change her mind.  I felt if it were meant to be, she would call.  The truth is I felt she would call, at least to talk because of the friendship we developed. In my trusting mind, I thought she needed us as much as we needed her.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Larry and I felt terrible for days. Not only did I feel sorry for us over what we had just endured, but I also felt pain for my family and for Larry’s family.  They were so excited about becoming grandparents. I am the youngest of three siblings and I just had my 37th birthday on July 2nd.  My brother, sister, and brother-in law do not have any children.  This would have been one spoiled special little boy….

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

A short time later, while Larry and I were trying to recover from our ordeal, we received a call from our attorney. We learned that we had a huge outstanding bill from the taxi company we had set up for Carla to help her with transportation.  This service was to be used solely by Carla and that she was not to abuse this assistance.  However, we knew she always had a family accompany her.  But by no means, were we aware or prepared for these huge charges.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

The first invoice we received was in the amount of $667.00.  Fine, we paid it and told Carla how much it was.  We asked that she try to use the taxi only when she needed to and not misuse this service.  When the second invoice arrived, it was even higher-- $735.25. By now, it was about a month after everything had already fallen through. Larry and I were trying to go back to our regular lives when our Arkansas lawyer called us about the latest taxi bill.  It was $2,251.25! This outradgous balance was a contrived in one-month.  I was shocked and speechless.  It wasn’t even so much the money, but the fact that we had been completely taken advantage of. Pure and simple, we had been scammed….

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 I am no longer really angry with Carla and I wish her well.  In the end, she’d said to me that she intends on proving everyone wrong and that she will give this baby a good life.  She will get a good job and go back to school.  I can only hope so.  I still often think about Carla’s son and hope the little guy is okay.  But I have to forgive to move forward.  And I guess writing you this letter, Dr. Phil, is also a way for me to heal.

  

 

  

  

  

 

  

I have dreamed of becoming a mother my whole life.  I never thought it would be this difficult.  I thought when Larry and I were ready to start a family, it would just happen, but, boy, was I wrong.  Since our adoption fiasco, I have taken time to reflect on our experiences. I have echoed past thoughts, asking myself these questions:  Why has life been so unfair to us?  What does this all mean?  Is this God’s way of telling me I’m not meant to have children?  After all, I have always tried to be a good and giving person.  Is my misfortune some form of punishment for something I had done in my lifetime?  Sometimes I feel like such a failure, and feel so sorry that my husband too has been subjected to all this pain as well.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

But throughout my journey, I have always tried to think of ways to stay positive and grounded, not only for myself, but for my husband. Since my early days I have a much-changed attitude.  I still have my moments, but thankfully, my emotional breakdowns of feeling sorry for myself have been reduced to a minimum.  I have a goal, to start a family.  Clouding my mind with negative thoughts is simply unproductive and will not speed up the process of having a child.   I know this now.  I have also recognized the importance of reaching out to the people/professionals that really do care about our situation and wish to help.  

 

  

 

  

I have been ready to talk for a long time and share my experiences with other women going through the very same thing.  In fact, I have met some pretty amazing women through my journey and through support groups.  The women I have encountered have endured great heartache.  Yet, these women continue to stay strong throughout their struggles.  I guess by being able to share our stories, it has helped us all gain a sense of support, a sense of solitude, a sense of union, but, most of all, a means of healing. I no longer feel helpless and alone.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          After thinking long and hard about all the possibilities we have, from using an egg/embryo donor to more drugs to starting the adoption procedure all over again, we are still uncertain if one of these approaches will solve our problem.  Once again, we are in a waiting game, waiting for the results of a pregnancy test, waiting to hear back from an adoption agency, waiting to see if we have to go through again all the feeling of disappointment and failure.  But as I tell my doctor and adoption counselors, “If you could guarantee that one of these approaches will work, I’ll gladly give you everything we have.”

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          As entrenched and painful as my story is, I know it’s not unique. I know that many other perspective parents go through the maze of the big business of infertility, the bureaucracy of the adoption industry. We are not alone.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          I am writing you this letter, Dr. Phil, not only to tell you our plight, to see if you can help us adopt a baby, but to show the world these unsung heroes: the husbands, wives, and partners who will face the unknown with courage, dignity, and hope—however long it takes.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          Thank you for listening, Dr. Phil.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          All the very best,

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 
November 18, 2005, 12:56 pm CST

One wish for Christmas

 Born in Amarillo,Tx. October 04, 1960. Potter, County...Woke up from a black-out only to find myself in a Childrens home in pecos, Tx. I was six years old. What happened to the memories of life prior to that? Personally I don't know. God, I need your help, cause nobody has seemed to care about this issue in my life. Please let one of the readers who read this, be able to help me.  Thank you.  

 

 
November 19, 2005, 12:52 pm CST

Finally someone understands!

Quote From: karley

I don't understand why everyone is threatened by their original families, that there must be something wrong or shameful about them.  This also applies to the adoptive families; you agreed to raise and care for and love the children that you adopted - but you don't own them or their affections.  There are things that no amount of love and acceptance can fill in them.  10% (and I haven't verified this claim) of adopted children may only look for their original families, but there are so many emotions and stigmas involved in it that I am not surprised.  They may feel that they are betraying their adoptive families or may feel anger at the person who "gave them up" or may be in denial about needing to know where they came from.  Of course, there may be people that are perfectly happy with how their lives turned out.  But don't underestimate the impact of expectations on a child or that their need to have biological roots. 
 Thank you, and God bless you for the courage it must have took for you to write what you did about "adoptions". I am one of those who feels abandoned and alone. Everyone in my original "family" tree, (from A to Z), has not contacted me, or left a way for me to contact them. And to this day, (from 1960 to present), I have experienced every single emotion known to man, and I have felt guilty about having every single one of those emotions concerning this subject. Once again I have to say Thank you. BLESS YOU!  
 
November 21, 2005, 10:03 pm CST

Searching for Birth Parents

I was born Dec. 19, 1976 in Kitchener Ontario, I think @ St. Mary's Hospital (I know, it has closed down)  I think my name was Christine?  I was adopted @ 9 mos. through Children's Aid Society, and spent some time in foster care.  If I'm told correctly, I also spent some time with my bio-mom.  I have great parents, and have inconsistantly searched for the last 15 years.  I reside in Calgary, now, but still have that curiosity to maybe start searching again.  The laws in Alberta may be fine, but going interprovincially is a difficult feat.  It seems every time I get close, there is another road block that is impossible to crack.  I have a wonderful family, a mom & a dad, and two sisters.  My youngest sister was also adopted.  I was the oldest.  If anyone in the Kitchener neck of the woods knows anything about this, I would love to hear from you.  Bio-mom, I've dreamed of you.  I can almost believe we look alike.  I'm curious.  But, if you've gone on with your life and don't wish to find me, I've already dealt with that.  You were young, and that's ok.  If you ever read this, Thank you for my life, and thank you for your courage. My life turned out fine.     Julie S.
 
November 22, 2005, 8:07 am CST

Searching for brother

After having a dream that my mother gave birth to a child and put it up for adoption, I was very surprised to find out about 8 months later (June 2005) that it was true!!  My mother gave birth to a son in 1969 (my oldest known sibling was born in 1971) and put him up for adoption.  She believes that my father is also the father of this child.  She has desperately wanted to seach for her son but never progressed to far out of fear that we would find out.  Know that we know, my sister and I would like to help her in her search.  Where do we begin?
 
November 25, 2005, 2:40 pm CST

In search of my birth-mother

I am a 41 y/o caucasion female born January 8, 1964 in Houston,TX, Harris CO.  My adoption was private and my parents tell me they know nothing about my birth-mother except she was in college or some school and had curly brown hair and her parents sent her away to have me.  My adopted father was a dentist in Houston and my mother was a stay-at-home mom with my adopted brother who was 18 months older than me.  I was I think about 4or5 days old when the nurse called for them to come pick me up.  I would love to get in touch with my birth-mother and let her know how much I understand because when I was 21 I too had a baby which I gave up for adoption and just recently in October found him through a search angel and we have had great phone conversation.  I'm just curious to know all about my birth parents and my adopted parents are in their early eighty's and understand.  My brother was also adopted and he was born on July 26, 1960 to a woman who already had some children and could not afford to keep him.  I know he was born in Houston as well  Neither of us have any other demographics so if anyone out there reads this and I could be your daughter.....please reply. 

  

  

Eager to know 

 
November 26, 2005, 5:32 pm CST

Julie, jlp, marthalea

 I hope you are successful in your searches.

If you go to a search engine and type in "adoption registry", or "adoption search", you should be able to find some free sites that you can search on.  The more information you have, the easier your search will be.

My natural mother decided to search for me on the spur of the moment, and found me on the first site she looked on!  She tried another one, just to be sure, and found me there, too!  I think I registered on 5 sites, completely for free.

Good luck to all three of you, and best wishes.
 
November 27, 2005, 4:30 pm CST

Looking for Someone.

I am looking for a woman who posted on an adoption message board in September of 2002. 

Her post was this: Female born 04/14/1964 in Shelbyville Tn. 

I believe I am who she needs to talk to but her post was out of date and had no contact email. 

If she sees this I hope she will reply here and I will give her an email address to contact me for more information. 

Thank you. 

 
November 28, 2005, 9:23 pm CST

Searching for Birth Mother in P.A.

 I'm a 33 year old female, born in PA (Magee Women's Hospital).   I have been searching for my birth mother for over a decade.  I have gone through all of the traditional (and nontraditional) methods of trying to locate her, or just getting a first name, or really any piece of information that could help me feel connected to the person that brought me into the world.  I have been told that my records at the court house were lost, that there was a "terrible fire", and my records were destroyed; even that there is no record of my existence.  I've hired an investigator, who was very involved in the case for month, and then stopped calling me; I've heard he retired.  I have tried every free registry I can find. 
My adoptive family is wonderful; I'm very, very lucky.  I treasure my birth mother for carrying me and having the extreme courage it must have taken her to give me to another family right after birth.  I wish I could tell her that.
I was born in December of 1971.  If anyone has any suggestions, I would be so grateful.
 
December 4, 2005, 10:31 am CST

Searching for Birth Parents

I am searching for my father's biological family. **(While you're reading this- and it sounds like you or your family- please write- ) He was born May 9, 1955 in Highland Park, Michigan. I have only received non-identifying information. Here is the info: My father was born and taken from the hospital (I believe by his birthmother- for a night or so) because it says that he was taken to Visitation Church and baptized on May 17, 1955- (which was also the same date that he was admitted to the social catholic services and placed in foster care (until an adoption was set up).  


So I am not sure if his birthmother lived in that town or not. His birthmother was born in 1928, in Pennsylvania. She was described as 5'2 and 130 lbs, with dark brown hair and brown eyes. She was of italian descent (and her parents were from Italy- it appears they moved to PA and then maybe to Ohio). It says that my father's birthmother was employed at a creamery as a comptometer operator. She was single with two children- therefore my father would have a half sister who was born in Michigan in 1952, and a half brother born in Michigan in 1953. My father was a product of an affair with a married man who was 38 years of age at the time (1955)- the birthfather was born in MI and was a toolmaker in automotive firms. He had a 16year old son form a previous marriage and two children with his current wife. Therefore, my father would have a half sister who would be about 56 years old (she would have been born around 1949- since she was 6 years old in 1955). (at the time that this info was collected it said that she had blonde hair, green eyes, and fair skin. There was also a half brother who was 5 (so born around 1950) He would be 55- he had light brown hair and blue eyes.


The info also showed that my father's birthmother had two siblings of her own. She had a brother who knew about my father who was 19 years old in 1955 (so he would be about 69 years old now) He was born in Ohio and lived with his parents. he was described as 5'9 medium build. He had dark hair and brown eyes- he also worked at a creamery. She had a sister who was 30 at the time (so she would be about 80 years old now). She was born in PA, she was 5'5 and wieghed 150 lbs she had dark hair and brown eyes. she was not married and had no children at the time this info was recorded in (1955). She was not aware of my father. I am searching for ANY information on the biological families of my father. I am not sure if his mother gave him this name or not but his adoption papers have the name Micheal Joseph Maddaline.  (which may have been altered)


At the very least I would like health information.


If any of this info sounds remotely close to you or anyone you know (as not many members of the birth family were aware of my father/adoption). please contact me at mrsdawnjack@yahoo.com

 
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