When watching Savannah regarding not having seen her mother in over 20 years, I could relate to her, only more intensely. I am almost 52 years old and have not seen my mother for 45 years. Furthermore, I have no idea where that whole side of my family is. I have siblings that I have never met and they may not even know about me. I have often wanted to try looking for an older sister, who may remember me, but financially I could never afford to hire anyone. Also, women change their names when they marry and my mother has remarried and my sister has married, and I do not know their names. Also, I have no social security numbers to work with. I also have not spoken to my father in 30 years and before that no mention was ever made about my mother. As alcohol is a dominant factor in the reason for not knowing my mother or father, I have lived with bitterness my entire life. I have been emotionally, mentally, and perhaps even physically abused. I have always questioned what was wrong with me that my parents did not want me. My children have wanted me to find my sister, so I would have somewhat in which to call family. Also, my daughter questions any medical history that she may need to be aware of regarding my mother, such as ovarian cancer, etc.
Because of her alcoholism, my mother had neglected my sister (by her first husband) and me (by her second husband), so my father took me in the middle of the night and we moved back to Illinois from California. That was in 1960. My last memories of my mother are watching from underneath a couch while she and my father physically fought while she was under the influence of alcohol. When he told her he was leaving and taking me with him, she told him she didn't want me anyway. I have not seen her since.
After we moved in with my grandparents in Illinois, my father started down the same path as my mother and became an alcoholic. He would be gone for days at a time and I have vivid memories of being awakened in the middle of the night by my grandmother because a local bar had called and asked her and my grandfather to come down and pick up my dad who had passed out at the bar. My grandmother would never leave me alone, so I went with them and this was repeated throughout my childhood. This was just one of many incidences throughout my childhood I had to deal with.
Both of my parents were physically abusive alcoholics, with my grandmother suffering the brunt of my father's wrath when he was drunk. I was told by my father that he had wished I had died rather than my younger brother (died a few hours after childbirth), which I have had to live with my entire life.
Am I bitter, yes. Am I scarred, yes. Do I currently suffer, yes. I have suffered a nervous breakdown in the past and have masked my feelings and despair with food. I never felt loved as a child. My grandparents put a roof over my head and clothed me, made sure I received a good education, and taught me right from wrong, but they did not know how to show affection. My grandmother was there for me so that at least I wasn't in foster care, but she was a hard woman who constantly reminded me of how much I was like both my mother and father. Knowing what kind of people they were and what kind of parents they were, how was I suppose to react to constant reminders of my similarity to them.
My greatest accomplishment has been my three children. I love them more than life itself and have been the kind of mother to them that I wish my mother would have been. Now that they are grown, however, they have their own lives and since my entire world revolved around them, I now feel lost and very lonely. My marriage of 33 years is one of two people living under the same roof but sharing very little else. My husband has never been very demonstrative of his feelings, supportive of my feeling, or for that matter, supportive of me in any way. He has been a good father, however, and I have never had to deal with alcolohol with him. For that I am thankful. Because of this distance between us, I feel more alone than ever. As an only child with the type of childhood I endured, I would love to be able to call up a sister or brother and talk to them or plan a vacation to go see them.
As I said previously I masked my pain as a child by eating and have continued to do so throughout my entire life. I am extremely obese and suffer the physical atrocities that go along with obesity. I have hypertension an severe arthritis. I have a difficult time walking a long distance and currently have a handicapped parking permit because of it. I would love to be in shape and lose all this weight, but the emotional culprit inside of me won't let me.
I really need help!
