Topic : Foster Parenting

Ok I need some advice.

I posted not too long ago about getting a court social worker for my son's custody case that knew my worker.  That put me in touch with the person who ran the group home I lived in as a kid....

Now he's emailed me and is going to call me so we can meet up for coffee.  Which is great!  I am SO super excited,!! In Ontario we have laws that say after you age out, you are not suppposed to contact the home for 2 years.  During that time we lost contact, so I haven't seen this man who was like a father to me since 1997.

Here's the problem, and Im embarrassed to even say it it so dumb, but it's really bothering me.

I am afriad of meeting up with him.  I used to be skinny and I got very fat.  I am very very overwieght and I was always very thin and pretty as a teen. 

But MOSTLY, I haven't done so well with my life until recently.  I didn't finish high school ( I am doing it now) I never went to college (I am going next year).  I had a string of abusive boyfriends and married the last one.  I got pregnant before we were married and divotced him less than a year after we were married.  I am now a single mother on welfare taking care of my 2 year old and going to school without anybody helping me....I feel like a failure.

Is it better to just cancel the meeting with him?  I am so embarrassed, I have probaly not turned out like he would have liked, and he tryed so hard.....I dont knwo what to do, I tryed my best, but once I aged out, it was like "your on your own kid."  I don't want him to think I am a failure.

My husband and I planned to adopt two children here in Canada.  They had been apprehended from Social Services and were living in foster care.  They were 5 & 7.  We were told that they had no special needs.  They had not been abused.  Things spiralled out of control after they moved in.  Both had tantrums that could last for hours.  They were diagnosed with ADHD, Reactive Attachment and possibly FAS.  After two years we decided we could not finalize the adoption.  I have felt guilty ever since.  I applaud you all for hanging in there.  I know how difficult it is - especially when there is very little positive coming back from the children.  I wish with all my heart that we could have healed their broken hearts, but we ended up falling apart.  I still talk to them to make sure they are o.k., but I know I have disappointed them immensely.  I hope you know every day how special you are.  Take care of yourself.

When I watch Dr. Phil I hear him say how important the children are.  That their needs come first.  I wonder what he would say to a family that tried, but just couldn't do it.  I wish there were resources to help families deal with the crisis that these children bring with them.  We could not find a psychologist or social worker who could help us with what to do in those moments when the children had been screaming for hours.  We needed respite and a back up plan - which we never found. 

I wonder if I will ever stop feeling guilty.

I do wish Dr. Phil would approach this subject on adopting and how to deal with foster children's deep issues.  I highly respect him, but this seems to be a subject that he needs more education on.  Even his website offer little support.

4 years ago, I answered a call from my niece telling me that her sister's children needed a home because CPS and the police had responded to a call of possible child abuse.  With in 2 hours, I was driving three young children home.  They were 4 1/2, 21 months and 11 months.  With in that short time my world turned upside down and everything about my life changed.  Don't be fooled--there is no such thing as a normal child if that child is removed from their home and is placed in foster care.  I have two birth children and these young children who came to live with me were needy in ways I never had to deal with with my own children.  In a short time I was overwhelmed and sick.  I've never before experience that much outside pressure to meet the needs of three very needy children.  Support was very difficult to find and it still is; although after awhile I did get respite for the oldest.  My character got trashed in ways I hadn't know were possible.  My relationship with my 15 daughter was almost ruined, because suddenly I couldn't be there for her in any way.  There was a point when my birth daughter got so sick and had an extremely high fever and she needed to see a doctor ASAP and I stood there and looked at her and then at the three kids who I needed to attend to also and I cried.  I needed to get them to daycare and school--I couldn't run to the ER with them and attend to my sick daughter at the same time.  I called her dad and told him to come and get in right away.  I was lucky he could drop everything.  He called me later from the Urgent care and said they were worried about her condition and want to transport her by ambulance to the children's wing of a hospital across town--they suspected mennigitis.  I left work and rdrove to the hopsital and I tried to find someone to pick up the kids at daycare for me and 5 different friends and family memebers said no.  Later while at the hospital with my daughter, I told her that I was sorry because sometimes I can't put her first and she responded with "sometimes mom?'  I said well most times and she just shot me a look like yea right! And I said that I guess all the time I can't put you first.  That was a hard truth for us to face. 

Those of you who have families, beware of fostering children.  There are some people who can do this with grase and ease--those people usually have lots of support and an over abundance of patience  But I do think that the majority of the family population, would really have a challenge with tfostering.  It's the toughest job out there I believe, because the issues of these children do run deep and they are hard for the average person to handle--the stress can be overwhelming.  The sacrifices great. and never ending. 

I did end up adopting my three litle ones and it's still a tough road at times.  I moved the kids out of state so of coarse the family members who asked me to take them in and never offered to provide a home for them are still angry with me.  I moved to a new state for some safety reasons and to be closer to my daughter's college.  I have more family in this area who offered to support me both financially and emotionally.  Well that didn't last too long before they too were attacking my character and trying to make their plans for my life.  I've been called a liar, manipulator, deranged, crazy, and my favorite one "covert aggressor"    from and article down loaded from the internet!  That support abuptly ended within six months of my move to a new state.  It's been tough to make it on my own and take good care of these kids.

The kids have come a long way from that moment I brought them home.  They are lovable, kind and social.  Family bonding has been a difficult road and continues to be.  The oldest is FAS, RAD, and ADHD and I'm sure that the other two have some drug and alcohol effects too.  The oldest lies all the time and sometimes he is so convincing.  He sneaks around during the night and hides food in his room.  Everything I try to do to curb this only helps for awhile and then he figures out a way around it.  It seems when I just begin to relax and trust him again, he is back at it.  I don't sleep well any more--waking up 3-5 times per night.  The stress has aged me 10 years and I worry about not only our safety, but our future as a family. 

You spoke of feeling guilty.  Sometimes I feel guilty because I took these kids and maybe there was a better family out there for them.  I felt that keeping them inthe family as well as together was so important and that was what kept my commitment to them so strong.  I also counted on family support, when making my decision.  I didn't count on having to deal with being trashed by family members because I'm not perfect and I have my breaking points.  I'm only human but those around me expect much more and I can't live up to those expectations. Sometimes I feel that I steal the joy out of tthe lives of these kids and they suck the joy out of mine because their issues demand so much of my energy.

From your letter is seems like you did the best you could do for these children and it wasn't enough.  This caused you to choose between them or your family.  At one point, I was asked to choose between my birth daughter and these kids--not directly but it was implied.  I didn't have enough bedrooms to separate the kids and foster care has their rules, which were over looked for a while because the kids were progressing so well in my home.  then the adoption agency came in with their pressure and their rules and told me to rectify the situation or else.  By then the kids had been with me for two years and were very attached--to them I was their mother.  I was so torn and I feel apart--behind close doors.  My daughter came to me and offered to move in with her dad and while that was a good option for her, I was crushed.  Talk about guilt--been there.  She was afraid the kids would be removed and din't want me to choose between them and her, so she made the decision for me.  I can't evern talk about this or write about this without getting emotional, because my guilt is so vivid.

It's taken time, but my relationship with my daughter has improved, but I know that she still bears some scares.  She has always said that I did the right thing in giving these kids a good home, but is sad, and still carries some resentment and jealousy.  She loves the kids and they love her and they irritate her like siblings do.  She adores the youngest and they are best buddies.

In the end I would still do it again, but I think I would do things differently.  Wisdom changes who you are and how you respond.  There are many others in your boat who carry the guilt because they ended up giving the child back to the system.  You are not alone and even though you don't know me, I would never judge you harshly for what you did. 

Take care and write back if you want to.

Sue

I do wish Dr. Phil would approach this subject on adopting and how to deal with foster children's deep issues.  I highly respect him, but this seems to be a subject that he needs more education on.  Even his website offer little support.

4 years ago, I answered a call from my niece telling me that her sister's children needed a home because CPS and the police had responded to a call of possible child abuse.  With in 2 hours, I was driving three young children home.  They were 4 1/2, 21 months and 11 months.  With in that short time my world turned upside down and everything about my life changed.  Don't be fooled--there is no such thing as a normal child if that child is removed from their home and is placed in foster care.  I have two birth children and these young children who came to live with me were needy in ways I never had to deal with with my own children.  In a short time I was overwhelmed and sick.  I've never before experience that much outside pressure to meet the needs of three very needy children.  Support was very difficult to find and it still is; although after awhile I did get respite for the oldest.  My character got trashed in ways I hadn't know were possible.  My relationship with my 15 daughter was almost ruined, because suddenly I couldn't be there for her in any way.  There was a point when my birth daughter got so sick and had an extremely high fever and she needed to see a doctor ASAP and I stood there and looked at her and then at the three kids who I needed to attend to also and I cried.  I needed to get them to daycare and school--I couldn't run to the ER with them and attend to my sick daughter at the same time.  I called her dad and told him to come and get in right away.  I was lucky he could drop everything.  He called me later from the Urgent care and said they were worried about her condition and want to transport her by ambulance to the children's wing of a hospital across town--they suspected mennigitis.  I left work and rdrove to the hopsital and I tried to find someone to pick up the kids at daycare for me and 5 different friends and family memebers said no.  Later while at the hospital with my daughter, I told her that I was sorry because sometimes I can't put her first and she responded with "sometimes mom?'  I said well most times and she just shot me a look like yea right! And I said that I guess all the time I can't put you first.  That was a hard truth for us to face. 

Those of you who have families, beware of fostering children.  There are some people who can do this with grase and ease--those people usually have lots of support and an over abundance of patience  But I do think that the majority of the family population, would really have a challenge with tfostering.  It's the toughest job out there I believe, because the issues of these children do run deep and they are hard for the average person to handle--the stress can be overwhelming.  The sacrifices great. and never ending. 

I did end up adopting my three litle ones and it's still a tough road at times.  I moved the kids out of state so of coarse the family members who asked me to take them in and never offered to provide a home for them are still angry with me.  I moved to a new state for some safety reasons and to be closer to my daughter's college.  I have more family in this area who offered to support me both financially and emotionally.  Well that didn't last too long before they too were attacking my character and trying to make their plans for my life.  I've been called a liar, manipulator, deranged, crazy, and my favorite one "covert aggressor"    from and article down loaded from the internet!  That support abuptly ended within six months of my move to a new state.  It's been tough to make it on my own and take good care of these kids.

The kids have come a long way from that moment I brought them home.  They are lovable, kind and social.  Family bonding has been a difficult road and continues to be.  The oldest is FAS, RAD, and ADHD and I'm sure that the other two have some drug and alcohol effects too.  The oldest lies all the time and sometimes he is so convincing.  He sneaks around during the night and hides food in his room.  Everything I try to do to curb this only helps for awhile and then he figures out a way around it.  It seems when I just begin to relax and trust him again, he is back at it.  I don't sleep well any more--waking up 3-5 times per night.  The stress has aged me 10 years and I worry about not only our safety, but our future as a family. 

You spoke of feeling guilty.  Sometimes I feel guilty because I took these kids and maybe there was a better family out there for them.  I felt that keeping them inthe family as well as together was so important and that was what kept my commitment to them so strong.  I also counted on family support, when making my decision.  I didn't count on having to deal with being trashed by family members because I'm not perfect and I have my breaking points.  I'm only human but those around me expect much more and I can't live up to those expectations. Sometimes I feel that I steal the joy out of tthe lives of these kids and they suck the joy out of mine because their issues demand so much of my energy.

From your letter is seems like you did the best you could do for these children and it wasn't enough.  This caused you to choose between them or your family.  At one point, I was asked to choose between my birth daughter and these kids--not directly but it was implied.  I didn't have enough bedrooms to separate the kids and foster care has their rules, which were over looked for a while because the kids were progressing so well in my home.  then the adoption agency came in with their pressure and their rules and told me to rectify the situation or else.  By then the kids had been with me for two years and were very attached--to them I was their mother.  I was so torn and I feel apart--behind close doors.  My daughter came to me and offered to move in with her dad and while that was a good option for her, I was crushed.  Talk about guilt--been there.  She was afraid the kids would be removed and din't want me to choose between them and her, so she made the decision for me.  I can't evern talk about this or write about this without getting emotional, because my guilt is so vivid.

It's taken time, but my relationship with my daughter has improved, but I know that she still bears some scares.  She has always said that I did the right thing in giving these kids a good home, but is sad, and still carries some resentment and jealousy.  She loves the kids and they love her and they irritate her like siblings do.  She adores the youngest and they are best buddies.

In the end I would still do it again, but I think I would do things differently.  Wisdom changes who you are and how you respond.  There are many others in your boat who carry the guilt because they ended up giving the child back to the system.  You are not alone and even though you don't know me, I would never judge you harshly for what you did. 

Take care and write back if you want to.

Sue

I do wish Dr. Phil would approach this subject on adopting and how to deal with foster children's deep issues.  I highly respect him, but this seems to be a subject that he needs more education on.  Even his website offer little support.

4 years ago, I answered a call from my niece telling me that her sister's children needed a home because CPS and the police had responded to a call of possible child abuse.  With in 2 hours, I was driving three young children home.  They were 4 1/2, 21 months and 11 months.  With in that short time my world turned upside down and everything about my life changed.  Don't be fooled--there is no such thing as a normal child if that child is removed from their home and is placed in foster care.  I have two birth children and these young children who came to live with me were needy in ways I never had to deal with with my own children.  In a short time I was overwhelmed and sick.  I've never before experience that much outside pressure to meet the needs of three very needy children.  Support was very difficult to find and it still is; although after awhile I did get respite for the oldest.  My character got trashed in ways I hadn't know were possible.  My relationship with my 15 daughter was almost ruined, because suddenly I couldn't be there for her in any way.  There was a point when my birth daughter got so sick and had an extremely high fever and she needed to see a doctor ASAP and I stood there and looked at her and then at the three kids who I needed to attend to also and I cried.  I needed to get them to daycare and school--I couldn't run to the ER with them and attend to my sick daughter at the same time.  I called her dad and told him to come and get in right away.  I was lucky he could drop everything.  He called me later from the Urgent care and said they were worried about her condition and want to transport her by ambulance to the children's wing of a hospital across town--they suspected mennigitis.  I left work and rdrove to the hopsital and I tried to find someone to pick up the kids at daycare for me and 5 different friends and family memebers said no.  Later while at the hospital with my daughter, I told her that I was sorry because sometimes I can't put her first and she responded with "sometimes mom?'  I said well most times and she just shot me a look like yea right! And I said that I guess all the time I can't put you first.  That was a hard truth for us to face. 

Those of you who have families, beware of fostering children.  There are some people who can do this with grase and ease--those people usually have lots of support and an over abundance of patience  But I do think that the majority of the family population, would really have a challenge with tfostering.  It's the toughest job out there I believe, because the issues of these children do run deep and they are hard for the average person to handle--the stress can be overwhelming.  The sacrifices great. and never ending. 

I did end up adopting my three litle ones and it's still a tough road at times.  I moved the kids out of state so of coarse the family members who asked me to take them in and never offered to provide a home for them are still angry with me.  I moved to a new state for some safety reasons and to be closer to my daughter's college.  I have more family in this area who offered to support me both financially and emotionally.  Well that didn't last too long before they too were attacking my character and trying to make their plans for my life.  I've been called a liar, manipulator, deranged, crazy, and my favorite one "covert aggressor"    from and article down loaded from the internet!  That support abuptly ended within six months of my move to a new state.  It's been tough to make it on my own and take good care of these kids.

The kids have come a long way from that moment I brought them home.  They are lovable, kind and social.  Family bonding has been a difficult road and continues to be.  The oldest is FAS, RAD, and ADHD and I'm sure that the other two have some drug and alcohol effects too.  The oldest lies all the time and sometimes he is so convincing.  He sneaks around during the night and hides food in his room.  Everything I try to do to curb this only helps for awhile and then he figures out a way around it.  It seems when I just begin to relax and trust him again, he is back at it.  I don't sleep well any more--waking up 3-5 times per night.  The stress has aged me 10 years and I worry about not only our safety, but our future as a family. 

You spoke of feeling guilty.  Sometimes I feel guilty because I took these kids and maybe there was a better family out there for them.  I felt that keeping them inthe family as well as together was so important and that was what kept my commitment to them so strong.  I also counted on family support, when making my decision.  I didn't count on having to deal with being trashed by family members because I'm not perfect and I have my breaking points.  I'm only human but those around me expect much more and I can't live up to those expectations. Sometimes I feel that I steal the joy out of tthe lives of these kids and they suck the joy out of mine because their issues demand so much of my energy.

From your letter is seems like you did the best you could do for these children and it wasn't enough.  This caused you to choose between them or your family.  At one point, I was asked to choose between my birth daughter and these kids--not directly but it was implied.  I didn't have enough bedrooms to separate the kids and foster care has their rules, which were over looked for a while because the kids were progressing so well in my home.  then the adoption agency came in with their pressure and their rules and told me to rectify the situation or else.  By then the kids had been with me for two years and were very attached--to them I was their mother.  I was so torn and I feel apart--behind close doors.  My daughter came to me and offered to move in with her dad and while that was a good option for her, I was crushed.  Talk about guilt--been there.  She was afraid the kids would be removed and din't want me to choose between them and her, so she made the decision for me.  I can't evern talk about this or write about this without getting emotional, because my guilt is so vivid.

It's taken time, but my relationship with my daughter has improved, but I know that she still bears some scares.  She has always said that I did the right thing in giving these kids a good home, but is sad, and still carries some resentment and jealousy.  She loves the kids and they love her and they irritate her like siblings do.  She adores the youngest and they are best buddies.

In the end I would still do it again, but I think I would do things differently.  Wisdom changes who you are and how you respond.  There are many others in your boat who carry the guilt because they ended up giving the child back to the system.  You are not alone and even though you don't know me, I would never judge you harshly for what you did. 

Take care and write back if you want to.

Sue

My husband and I are foster parents.  We also have 4 biological sons and one pre-adoptive daughter.  Right now we are also fostering 3 children.  My two oldest children are in their early twenties and do not live at home, but they are involved in our lives, occasionally helping us out with all our responsibilities.  That leaves our 3 younger children and our 3 foster children still at home.

Tonight, members of the police department that originally contacted social services about the two newest members of our interesting family showed up at our door with armloads of Christmas presents...for these 2 children only.  While this was a wonderful gesture and I don't want to take any of this away from the two children on the receiving end of this generousity, there are 6 children in this home and I feel that it was insensitive to the other 4 children.  I know it was not meant to be, but that doesn't take away from the fact that it was.  Please understand that I don't want to begrudge a kind gesture, which is why I didn't say anything to the gift-givers, but it really hurt my feelings when I had to tell my children that "K" and "D" were going to get a lot of gifts from some "friends" and that there wasn't anything for anyone else.  My 8 year old looked at me and said, "It's OK, I don't need anything."   

Fortunately, I had some warning that these well-meaning people were on their way and was able to put the little ones to bed and take the other two to visit with friends during all the hubbub.  When I returned home and my husband told me all the gifts that were brought over (nearly $200.00 worth), I was very glad that I had taken my 11 and 8 year old someplace else.  In spite of all the convincing by my children that they didn't mind "K" and "D" getting this early Christmas, I can't imagine how left-out they would have felt had they been here watching these two new kids opening a Christmas-morning's-worth of gifts while they could do nothing but sit by and watch.  Please know that I "get it".  I know the police wanted to make a difficult time for these kids a little easier, but truly, as foster parents, that is what we are trained to do, and we are doing an excellent job of it...and the police could still have done something special for the kids...maybe material things weren't necessarily the best choice, (even at Christmas, perhaps, especially at Christmas) or maybe they could have been a little more aware of the other kids in the household.  It sounds like I am complaining about this wonderful generousity, but I am not.  I am simply concerned about how my children, who are only children, truly perceive this apparent inequity, especially when they are sacrificing so genuinely without any recognition at all.

My children share everything every day with strangers who come and go, most often without ever hearing a thank-you.  They share not only their homes and their things, but they share their parents and have never complained that we don't have enough time for them, even though many times I tell them exactly that:  "I can't right now, I have to give so-and-so a bath," or "So-and-so has a visit or appt. with person X, Y or Z, so I won't be able to see your basketball game today."  My children get ignored, they tolerate other kids breaking their things and invading their space, and they occasionally get hit and are often verbally attacked by kids whom they have welcomed into their home...kids they have welcomed because my husband and I have taught them that it is the right thing to do, that to be part of the solution, one must act. 

I am frustrated that there aren't more resources for the children of foster parents, that there isn't more support for them in the community, or at least some recognition of these amazing young people.  They give up everything and nobody notices. 

Our county has a few wonderful family events and a few support groups for children like ours whose parents are foster/adopt parents, but very little is available on a regular basis.  And while our county recognizes its foster parents with beautiful events, I know of no event that singles out the children of foster families specifically with recognition just for them.  They are bigger heroes than any of the rest of us.

It makes me sad that there is this population of children who are ignored on a regular basis.  I know that the lessons my children are learning will make them better citizens and will help nurture compassion, but just once in a while I'd really appreciate it if someone "out there" would realize the sacrifices our kids make every day, all for the sake of the greater good, and take notice.