Topic : Foster Parenting

Hello

  I am a foster parent and have been a foster parent for about 17 years. Here is the story. I took a little boy into care at 7 weeks old in April of 2002 he is now 5 years old and soon to be six. I also took in his sister at 19 months old on May 29 2002. She was in another foster home and had been there since April 8 2002. They both where removed from there home from both parents on April 8 2002. The reason for them being removed was the little boy at 7 weeks was taken to the Hospital and the abuse was discovered and they came into foster care.

  The little boy has Shaken Baby Syndrome, all of his ribs where broken, he had brain hemorrhage, a stroke, seizures, malnutrition, and suffers from asthma and allergies. Due to his abuse (he was born with no problems) now he is severely developmentally delayed in speech and mildly mentally retarded, He is almost six but functions mostly on a 3-to4 year old level. He has to take seizure medication daily and sees a lot of doctors and therapist and he takes a lot of one on one care in all areas of his daily life. He had never bonded to his parents and was released from the hospital into my care. He was in very bad shape when he came here. He was in extreme pain and discomfort. His eyes where up in his head and all you could see was the white part. He cried for hours on end. He did not like to be touched and he was very hard to comfort because of this. He was also suffering from malnutrition and his stomach was messed up because of what the parents were feeding him at such a young age. EX. Sunny delight and many juices instead of baby formula all the time. I hung in there with him. Got him medical treatment and worked closely with his doctors to get him so that he could eat and got him into therapy. In addition, with a Neurologist and developmental pediatrician. Which he stills sees to this day. He was in physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. He still receives Speech therapy at home and in school. He is on the waiting list to begin occupational therapy here at home and the paper work is being done now for him to receive it at school. He no longer is in physical therapy. He has asthma and has to be on a daily treatment plan to keep it under control along with his seizure medications. Doctor’s visits and blood workups and EEG's. He is in special education, which involves a lot of parent and teacher contact and IEP's. He is a lot of work and needs a lot of care and a parent’s involvement in his growth.

  It took me about two years to turn him around. He made no eye contact nor did he smile nor could he tolerate to be touched. Now he is a very loving little boy who smiles and laughs and cuts up all the time. He is very easy going and gets along well with his piers and just loves to go to school. He has come to see me as his mother. He is bonded emotionally to the fullest to my family and me. This is really the only home he has ever known. He never bonded with either of his parents. He did continue to see his mother up until Nov. of 2005 about 4 times a week. Than he did not see her, again until March of 2006 and that was to be the last time which it has been. However, even seeing her during all those visits no bonding took place. Now we get to his sister. As I said she was taken from the home at the time her brother was. She was older than him she was 18 months when she was removed from her home and place in a foster home. She spent about a month and a half in that foster home before she came to be with me and her brother and my son who is 22 but was born with C. P. and is in a wheelchair and takes a lot of care. She was 19 months when she came here. She did not receive any medical attention while in the other foster home. She could talk when she was removed from her home but her other foster home reported that she never spoke while in their home. When she came here, she talked but you could not understand much of what she said. She was delighted to see her brother and I could see that her brother knew who she was. She needed medical attention right away. She also suffered from malnutrition and severe diaper rash to the point of her bleeding and she had severe diarrhea to the point that if she ate a bite of food she had to go immediately to the restroom. Her iron level was to the point of being so low she needed medication. She went through sugar withdrawals. She did not even know what some foods where. Like vegetables. She graved sweets of any kind and would lie on the floor and scream and cry to get them. I could not bring anything sweet into the house. I got medical attention for her and we have to monitor her diet and she had to go on iron medication and work very hard on her new eating habits and introducing her to new foods as well as treating a very painful diaper rash and diarrhea. I thought her gall bladder was shot that is how bad it was when she ate anything. She still has a real problem with control when it comes to sweets to this day. I have to really monitor her intake, but the good news is she eats very healthy now and likes many foods that are very good for her. However, I worry now because she is getting a weight issue. It was plane to see that when she came into care she was very neglected. I got her not only the medical care that she needed I also started her in speech therapy because you could not understand much of what she said. That went great and she talks wonderfully. Soon I started to notice some real abnormal behavior and impulsive and inappropriate behavior. She did not seem to be able to control any of these behaviors. I think that she may have been sexual messed with but it cannot be proven. I think this because of some of her actions between the ages of two and three. When we went to appointments, she was way over friendly to strangers like touching and climbing on them, mostly boys or men. She appeared not to be shy. This was inappropriate behavior in public. If she was not on people she was under the furniture running out of control screaming, climbing jumping and to the point to where she was putting herself in danger and her behavior became a safety concern. I had her put in sensory therapy, which did help some, and I had to carry all of her therapy over into the home and outside of the home daily. She also continued to see her mother for along time after she came into care. She saw her up until Nov of 2005 and than not until March of 2006. So that her mother could say good-by to both children. Which did not affect the boy but the girl has been a different story. Since than her behavior has changed to a new level. She has some real social issues with her piers and with any adult figures that are in her life that have control over her. She has become very abusive physically and verbally to her brother. Just a couple of months ago been diagnosed with RAD  (Reactive Attachment Disorder).

For her brothers own safety it has been very dangerous to leave them alone for even a minute. She left my home in Jan. 07 to be adopted by a family that we had know since she came into care. This family had already adopted four other girls and was very experienced with a child like her and her needs. It lasted only 3 months and she was back home. She wanted to return home here. WE all agreed, the new parents, the caseworker, and myself that it would be best for her to return. When she was away I was supposed to adopt her brother but the fathers rights were not terminated yet, he is in jail. The mother filed an appeal. When she returned home you could see how happy she was to be back and I agreed to adopt both of them. Well, she was gone for 3 months and I forgot how she turned this home upside down and how her behavior affected this household. Her brother, my son, and myself. . Well after she had been here awhile, I realized I could not adopt both of them. Therefore, I told the caseworker this. Therefore, they agreed that I should still adopt the boy and she should go to a home that is able to meet her needs. She wants to be the only child and get all of the attention and love. She does not want her brother with her because she is threaten by him that people love him more than her. I am white and she is black and she wants to be with a black family because than no one will know her secret. She is very hard to get close too because she wants you to love her but she pushes you away and she has to be in control of everything.  Than the caseworker calls me up and says that, they have decided not to separate the two children. Well this would be a big mistake so after much discussion. The decision went back to me adopting the boy and to find the right home for her. Well her abuse towards her brother has gotten much worse and more often. She does not know much about what is going on with the future and I am not to talk to her about any adoption. So things where settled again. However, a new supervisor appeared before I could get the boy adopted and now her and the state board do not want to separate the two children again.

It would not be in these two children’s BEST interest to place them together in the same home. I only see it as being very counterproductive for both children. She does not want her brother with her and has told him repeatedly that she hates him until she brings him to tears. The boy on the other hand is in the only home he has ever know and sees us as his family and is bonded totally in everyway. He is in a placement that is working for him and all of his needs are being meant to the fullest. I am willing to adopt him and the state had been willing to let me adopt before this new decision to place both children together again.  We are not talking about a normal sibling group here and that should be taken into consideration to the fullest. The boy will be faced with serious medical and mental needs for the rest of his life. Not even to mention what he would go through leaving the only home he has know since he was 7 weeks old and now he is soon to be 6 years old. How is a family going to be able to give him the kind of love and support that he is going to need to get over his separation from this family with the girl being threaten by him. If anyone should show him any kind of affection or love in front of her, this only triggers her hate towards him and than the abuse comes in. I fear for both children if this should take place. I have had both of these children since April and May of 2002. I do know what I am seeing between them and it is not good for either one of them. I am the closes thing that either one of them have had for a mother and a home for over five years now. This would be a grave mistake to make for either child. The boy is going to be devastated to leave here. The girl will be angry that he is in the picture; she told me once that she did not want him with her because he will take all of the love.  This could be a deadly situation for the girl the boy and even the new family. I feel that my fears are justified as are my concerns about the decision the state has made concerning these to children’s well -being and growth and what is in the best interest of EACH child.

 Please help me if you can. I do not know what to do. I am afraid if I go to higher ups that someone will get mad and just come and remove both of them from my home and place them into another foster home while they are waiting to find a adoptive home to take both of them. And with the girls behavior to the level that it is at right now, they could end up going from home to home and just getting split up anyways. The boy’s life would be destroyed for nothing and the girl’s future looks very bleak if she does not get the right placement and get into the right RAD therapy.

                                                   Linda Melendy Dec.20,2007

id just like to take a moment and tell you folks god bless you its a shame what some kids have gone through in there young lives and its also a shame on how this system is opperrated its a mess i took my husbands neice in for almost 2 yrs  she was 11 at the time and lived in ky at the time us in ohio both her parents were in jail and hard drug users and the girl has had forms of abuse done to her i have 4 children of my own but has alwasy helped folks out and we were tryen to keep her from goin in the system she has a brother also  we knew with the size of our home and haven 6 people total liven here already if we took both kids in it would have been 5 teenagers boys and girls me mentaly i know i could not have dont it so i said we could only take the girl unfortunatly the boy ended up in the system at the time we thought it was awful but it really helped the boy greatly

as for the system the courts gave me temp custody next day well when mom got out of jail and got settled where she could take her daughter back it took almost a year through the courts given us the runaround raisen kids is very difficult if they have no problems when they do have problems its much harder mentally and physically and folks like yall and your immediate families dont get a pat on the back enough

good luck to you yall and GOD BLESS YOU

I thanksfully had a pretty good experience with CAS for the most part in Ontario Canada.  But there have been some grave mistakes. 

Mary is correct that the generations cycle themselves over and over.  And in part,  I think that CAS is to blame for that. 

Dr. Phil

We have had my husbands three kids for a year now. We have the counties service for help. My step-daughter at 9 had add and anxiety and some depression. My step son is 7 and is taking something for depression.  The 11 isnt.  My stepdaughter does not or will not sleep in her bed. We have explained to her that it's wrong for her to sleep in the same bed with her dad. She was molested but I don't know that would make her not want to sleep alone. All of the kids don't seem like they have had alot. They also like things done for them.What can I do to be a better person to them? How can I get them on the right track to do  things on their own?

   My husband and I find ourselves in a frustrating situation.  We recently adopted 2 siblings ages 8 and 3 from the foster care system.  (We have not finalized yet.)  These siblings have a half sister who we are trying desperatly to adopt.  The 3 year old and 15 month old have been in care since birth.  We were told if we wanted the older two we had to agree to take the baby also.  Of course we were thrilled to have her!  The problem is that she has a different father.  The mother (went to jail 4 months pregnant/ meth user) informed the state that the father was not her husband.  The state then waited 6 months after the birth for the father (in jail, meth user also) to prove paternity.  Finally the state got on the ball and did it themselves.  The father agreed to sign his rights away, but the state never gave him the papers to do so.  After he was released from jail he was brought in to sign the papers, which he did.  He also refused a visit with her.  The baby was then a year old.  Plans were beggining to be made for us to transition her into our home.  The week she was to come, the father changed his mind and requested treatment from the state.  Apparently he could do this and is now being given visits.  Now after 3 months of weekly visits, the 15 month old baby still refuses to have any interaction with the father.  The foster mother has always had to be in the room to keep her from screaming out of control.  We have been told she will eventually be placed with us when her father screws up.  He has 5 more months of services.  We have been doing visits with the baby since October and have been encouraged to continue them.  The problem is that the other two siblings don't understand why she is not with uspermantly.  They were placed in the same foster home when the baby was born.  The 3 year old asks for her every day.  The 8 year old has attachment disorders and anxiety.  When the sister is here she is a wonderful child.  But in between the visits we deal with behavioral issues.  We live 3 1/2 hours from the foster home and are only allowed one visit a month for 2 days.  When we have baby here she is perfect.  She runs right to us and doesn't care where the foster mother is.  She will even say goodbye at the door to them.  She never cries unless she is hungry. We also have a biological child who is 12 and another 10 year old daughter who was adopted at birth.  Any suggestions on how we can get this sweet little girl into our home we would appreciate it.   We feel the siblings can't move on and feel secure until their sister is home with them.   

I am a 53 year old female living in Florida with my sister Wanda and her 6 year old grand daughter.
I moved to Florida originally to prepare a retirement home with my sister Wanda, however in the interim we gained custody of Wanda's 6 year old grand daughter, my great neice.
This little girl is so amazing, she has a wonderful personality and is very smart for her years. Her mom is still in the picture but really doesn't show much interest at all...I hate to say that but it is the truth. Her dad lives in California with his wife and two daughters but has no contact with this daughter and has outstanding warrants for his arrest hear in Florida so we don't expect him to contact her anytime soon.
This little girl needs help. Wanda and I are very empathetic to her needs but it doesn't seem like the state of Florida cares. She has been through so much in her short life that sometimes I am amazed at how she handles herself, but most of time it is very obvious that she has many underlying issues.
This little girl is pretty much living in a limbo state and has been her whole life. We want to make her feel safe and secure but she just doesn't trust people anymore. I'm wondering if I can get some suggestions on the message boards. This 6 year old is presently seeing a therapist, and has been for some time, it was ordered through the courts because Wanda and I saw a real need and fortunately the courts and social workers listened to us a little bit.
I have major concerns for this childs future and how she will fare as the years go by and Mom and Dad continue to leave her in this state of limbo and confusion. It seems even though it's well known that this child has been neglected and abused by her parents the courts continue to protect them and their rights as her parents, but forget about this little girl and the problems she will face down the road.
Anyway Wanda and I just love this little girl like crazy and will do whatever we need to keep her out of harms way.

I thought maybe someone here in South West Florida would know of a really GOOD therapist we could talk to about this whole issue, there are just so many things going on that telling you all of it would probalby make for a very long novel that would take weeks to read. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I just hope I can find my way back here to see any replies I may get concerning this problem.

Hi, I just will say we've seen many relatives foster / adopt relative children.  It sometimes isn't apparent at first, but, when the parents are released from jail, god bless you.  Because from what I've seen, they usually make it very difficult for you to be a parent.