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Topic : Foster Parenting

Number of Replies: 242
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 12:27:01 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you a foster parent or interested in becoming one? Are you considering adopting your foster child? Share advice and support with others here.

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July 12, 2008, 9:22 pm CDT

What State are you IN?

Quote From: rachel2583

im writing this on behalf of another family. they have taken on 3 foster children with past sexual trama and abuse..the oldest foster child has already raped and molesed his younger siblings.  they have tried to get help for the oldest boy which they did not know the history of the child before they took him home cps ikeep this information a secret from them.  after they realized that the boy was doing theses things to his siblings they tried all kinds of wasy to prevent it and to hlep the kids.  but  cps is threating the husband saying that if he bring the child back home from the mental hospital they will take away his licences to pratice medicen but they are also saying that if they dont go get him that they will do the same thing for negleting him and also take the other two children..they love all three kids but they need help with the oldst one preator nature and they need help with the other two to help them deal with what has happened to them.  they dont want to lose any of the children but they fear for the youngr ones.  they have located a place that will help him but the coast is 10,000 a month and they dont have the money to get him ther they are rally needing help and have asked me if i would contact you.     please someone help this family

 

thanks rachel

There are lawsuits popping up everywhere because of DHS FIA, Whatever they call the agency in your state for things just like this.  The State is liable for putting a child in your home that hurt your family without notifying you.  No, if it comes right down to it, they aren't worried about him being neglected from the family, they are more worried about the money it costs.  This isn't anyones business if you adopted him.  If you can't pay for it and he can't be at home, they have to pay for it.  Shame on them for allowing this hurt to continue in your home.  That's hurendous. 
 
July 12, 2008, 9:29 pm CDT

don't do foster care

Quote From: squarepantsmom

Be very careful and selective.  Be ready to follow tons of rules and deal with caseworkers, some good and some not so good.  Regardless of what the agency or state DHS may tell you, you will be expected to put the foster childrens needs ahead of those of your children and your family.  Be prepared to have to ask good friends and family to submit to criminal background checks before they can be around your foster children.  If you take older children they will not be allowed to spend the night at friends homes, see certain movies, and you will need the agency or state permission to even let them attend camp.  You will need background checks on scout leaders, and camp counselors.  Find out if they are still in contact with their biological parents if rights have been terminated.  Some children go to extremes to see their "Real parents".  In my case the parents family Sister and Mother caused many problems and continue to report me to cps about every other month.  Their claims are always found to be untrue and are usually the same every time, but cps must respond so they will invade your home at all times of day and night.  The Up side, I have a 2 year old that I have had since birth who is a joy.  I am trying to adopt him and have followed  all policy procedures and have been approved, even received state permission, but every time we go to finalize  the adoption the agency files a frivilous complaint against me to keep the child in the system.  The latest complaint  is that I did not take the children for a sibling visit in Aug. The caseworker had originaly given me the wrong date and did not notify me until that day that the visit had started and I was not there.  In my defense one of the other siblings did not show up and even the kids attorney showed up on the wrong day.  Your children are very young and need your attention now.  If you are seriously going to consider this wait until they are older and more on their own or you will be very tired trying to keep up with everything.  Good Luck

There is nothing good that comes from this system run while you can.  At the same time we adopted through the state my brother did the korean adoption.  His life is wonderful and ours a living hell.  Our kids are too damaged in the States with Drugs and alcohol.  They seem wonderful when you get the infant from the hospital and the state will sugar coat it.  After you adopt you will get the information explaining how each family member is schitzophrenic.  How else do they get people to adopt these babies. 

 

It is a messy system and I would run the other way.  I haven't seen a family damaged in some way by this system.

 
July 19, 2008, 7:41 pm CDT

We had a good experience with Fos/Adopt in So. CA

My husband and I adopted our 2nd child through the Fos/Adopt program and had a much better experience then when we adopted our oldest privately. I know the system is flawed but we have to take the bad to get the good. I really feel for foster parents who have been wronged and hurt by the system. I think that the system doesn't put the child/ren first as they should. If a foster family only wants to adopt one child out of 3,4,5, however many, then the children should at all costs be kept together they need each other.....

 
September 8, 2008, 8:01 pm CDT

Another perspective

I have read through a lot of the posts on here and cant help but notice that almost every post is negative.  How bad workers are, the system, etc.  I am a foster care worker and pour everything into my job.  I stay up at night wondering, having to live with decisions I made.  I work hard to establish trust with the children I work with, foster parents as well.  I am not perfect, and I know that the system is broken, no one is perfect, no worker the same, just as no foster parent is the same.  However, We all do have the same goal and I hate to see foster parents bashing the system that is already short of foster homes.  One negative comment could sway a great person from becoming licensed, changing the life of a child.  I could share a million stories with you of poor decisions by the system and just as many by foster parents who gave up on a child.  What good would that do though, spread a negative message, we have enough of that in the world. I know some posts are just venting,but I know there are positive stories, amazing outcomes, wondering where those posts are.
 
September 10, 2008, 11:29 am CDT

One bad apple doesn't spoil the bunch

fcworker, you are right on about how the system has helped change childrens' lives. If it makes a difference for one child, think about how it turns their whole life around in a positive way. True, any time you have people trying to work in a system, it will not be perfect. But that doesn't mean we can't support these heroes who become parents, even if for a little while. They carry those children in their hearts forever.
 
September 11, 2008, 11:17 am CDT

Foster Parenting

Wow, this is such an interesting thread.

  I guess your views on DSS/DHS/DCFS all depends on what state you live in, since each state varies. I know working with Oklahoma DHS was a nightmare in the process of getting my husbands 8 year old half sister across the state lines into MO to foster her here so that we could adopt once parental rights had been completely terminated. (TPR'd). Ok DHS is over worked, and underpaid. My social worker there stated that she had 35 cases, each with 3-4 kids on average, some more, few less.  I could never get a hold of her, I never knew where the case was at.  They rarely come out to visit the kids, they hardly keep tabs on the biological families (the biological father we knew; He didn't come for visits, lost his job, moved her bio mother into his apartment against courts rules,  didnt' take his "random" drug tests and was still drinking; Despite all this it still took us 11 months to get him TPR'd) If I had to deal with OK DHS, we wouldn't be foster parents.

  We live in Mo and working with DFS here has been beautiful. We recently began fostering a sibling pair. They really care about the kids and are very strict. I have a worker out here every 2 weeks to see the kids, see the house, inspect their rooms. Sometimes we meet at the park so they can see how the kids play and interact. We have a therapist who comes out and works with the kids and also goes and works with the parents.
  There is a reason children are in foster care. DFS will always come out several times and inspect the house before taking a child/ren.  They need the police in order to physically remove a child from the home.  Not only that, but we had to jump through hoops to become a foster parent!  Background checks, finger prints, financial history,  how I grew up, how my husband grew up, how our families are, health, when we met, who gets angrier easier, how we discipline.  They know more about us than we know about ouselves.  
    Our infant came to us at 11 months and was brought to the hospital literally blue from 2nd hand smoke inhalation. She was 11 months, 30lbs, and wearing 3T clothing.  Her leg structure is that of a newborn, she didn't talk  due to not having verbal stimulation, nor crawl due to how heavy she was. She desperately needed physical therapy as well as tubes in her ears from chronic ear infections. DFS was sure to get me on a primary care physician, an ENT dr, a physical therapist, a day care 2 days a week to get her to socialize with children her age,  First Steps to come out and evaluate her, and more. But of course, according to the parents, she is  'only getting ear infections because she's in foster care',  'leg structure is the same as her mothers and is fine', and we're abusing her because she's losing  weight.
   Our 6 year old has suffered numerous cases of physical abuse, including being taped to a chair and beaten. He is slow functioning and has the comprehension and functioning ability of a 2-3 year old.  DFS gave him a therapist right away,  got him tested, a primary care physician, and more as well. Each year our kids get to "shop with a cop" for christmas, where they get a $100 shopping spree with the local police at our Super Walmart.  They have clothing and diaper allowances as well throughout the year.
   I get frusterated with DFS sometimes but people have to realize that there is a reason why we need them. Parents don't get their kids taken away for "just nothing." I'm sure somebody out there has a negative and legetimently poor experience wtih him, but it's just like walking into a correctional facility. Everyone in there will tell you they are "innocent." Just like the parents whose kids I have right now. They will get their children taken from them, because all they are doing is pleading innocent and not accepting responsibility. They too may eventually be a post-er on here saying "My kids were taken for no reason. " I applaud (Mo) DFS and support them.
   All children will go through some form of separation anxiety or guilt when taken away from their parents, if they are old enough to realize what is going on. Just as they will when a parent leaves or divorces, or when they  go to school for the first time or move from grade school to junior high....That  is not an excuse to leave a child in an emotionally, mentally, sexually, or phsyically abusive home.  DFS does not take a child over ONE simple phone call, unless there has been other (factual) allegations or there is  proof of abuse.  You can try and fool yourself with lines like that, but anyone who works with DFS knows better.  Again, however, since different states have different regulations and rules, I can only speak certainly for the state I live and foster in.
 
September 14, 2008, 8:07 am CDT

Foster parents

I certainly aplaud foster parents who devote their lives to children, they are true heros and do not get the credit in our society that they deserve and often not even the credit they deserve from the system.  I was recently talking to a foster parent, she was going through a lot of trouble with a bio parent, the court, etc...and was being told by some other foster parents, just tell them to take the kid and run.  She said that no matter how much crap she is put through she will not do that.  She has made a commitment to him and that is a promise that she will never break.  This is a foster parent that has had some difficult children, parents, grandparents, but has never once gave up on a child.  I know as a worker that at 3:00AM if I need a bed in a caring home, she will be ready with a smile and open arms, children absolutely love her and for the most part, so do the parents. I know that there are a lot of great homes out there and that she is just one of thousands of Angels,

 

I just dont like to see the system portrayed by those with a bad experience.  I am sorry for those who got a bad worker, bad deal, I am sure it happens, no state is the same.  For those who are referring people to anti cps web sites, remember that we are talking about innocent children, children that deserve to be saved if they are in danger.  It takes more than a phone call to remove a child, more than rumor, and it is rarely an easy decision.

 

I know this is a little contradictive of my negative comment but guess I just need to vent, might just be oversensitive these days to negative stories in that I have been struggling with finding a permenant placement for one child in particular who has become a victim of the system.  She has been bounced from so many homes, so much heart ache, she rarely unpacks her bags these days. I just dont understand how someone can say, I will not bounce this child, talk of adoption one day, the next they sneak out so they are no longer welcome.  If I tell you of their behaviors and you say no problem, dont bounce them when it happens and if You cant deal with something and you know it, dont take the child into your home.

 

 If I was put under the microscope we put children under these days when I was younger  I would have probably been commited, children can be some odd creatures, we were all that way at one time or another, so isn't is unrealistic to expect our foster children to be perfect when we are not.  Imagine being that kid, taken from what you know for doing nothing wrong, your mom and dad stay home, pets stay home, but you are thrust int o a strangers home and expected to be okay with that.  Of course they are eventually going to test some boundaries.  I dont know about you but I have a hard time in new environments, so wouldnt it be even harder for a child to adjust.  Anyway please, dont make the decision to remove kids from your home when your angry, take a step back, and evaluate the situation.

 

I just hope that anyone out in the world who reads this makes the commitment to keep children whether for 2 days or 18 years.  If you have our own bio child and they get into trouble at school, sneak out, lie, whatever, you would not send them packing though we all would like to at one time or another, please look at foster children the same, it might be hard, but you might be the last person to give that child a true chance.  Also, try hard not to take it personal when you are investigated, when a worker asks what seem to be invasive questions, it is all done for the safety of children, the well being of a soul, remember not everyone that gets into this business is doing so for the right reasons and if workers do not keep that in mind with even the best homes, children can end up left in abusive homes that are supposed to be protecting them.  You cant imagine how tough it is to pull a child, place them in a licensed home, than find out, you placed them in harms way, destroyed the last remaining shred of trust they had in people. 

 

I hope that some other people with positive experiences will pipe in, I love reading about great endings, happy stories, I would think everyone else does as well.  We have enough gloom and doom stories on the news, never anything about those who devote their lives to children.  I am truly impressed by those who have made the commitment to take in children despite the ups and downs of the system.  I am also not trying to knock those who have removed children from their home, I know there are a lot out their that are still excellent homes, sometimes children cant make it in family foster care, sometimes personalities just dont mix, whatever the reason,  I just hope that everyone tries everything in their power to make it work. 

 
September 21, 2008, 12:05 am CDT

Foster care and DCS is not all bad!

I am so sorry for the loss that you are all experiencing and the corruption that you are feeling. I do not intend to make light of that at all by this post.  Please do not hear that.
It is just that I hear so much bad press about foster care and DCS out there and I just want people to know that there are times when the system, thought not perfect BY ANY MEANS, actually works.  My husband and I have adopted 4 children through the foster care system and while there were things that were done in a way that caused harm to them (in our case they were left in the bio-home for far too long) the system worked in the end for them and removed them from an very abusive and neglectfull home and placed them into a home where they are loved and well cared for.  They did justice to the parents and helped them try to get on their feet but when they could not get any of it done they terminated rights and allowed us to adopt them.  I guess I just wanted to say that the foster care system is not all bad and that there are some saints that work as case workers.  Yes, it's a flawed system but it can also be a great system at times and truly protects children often.  We owe much grattitude to our caseworker and our children still talk about her, write her letters, and call her.  She was great and stood in the gap for the children when they needed her to. 

 
September 22, 2008, 10:18 pm CDT

missing U

Quote From: fcworker

I certainly aplaud foster parents who devote their lives to children, they are true heros and do not get the credit in our society that they deserve and often not even the credit they deserve from the system.  I was recently talking to a foster parent, she was going through a lot of trouble with a bio parent, the court, etc...and was being told by some other foster parents, just tell them to take the kid and run.  She said that no matter how much crap she is put through she will not do that.  She has made a commitment to him and that is a promise that she will never break.  This is a foster parent that has had some difficult children, parents, grandparents, but has never once gave up on a child.  I know as a worker that at 3:00AM if I need a bed in a caring home, she will be ready with a smile and open arms, children absolutely love her and for the most part, so do the parents. I know that there are a lot of great homes out there and that she is just one of thousands of Angels,

 

I just dont like to see the system portrayed by those with a bad experience.  I am sorry for those who got a bad worker, bad deal, I am sure it happens, no state is the same.  For those who are referring people to anti cps web sites, remember that we are talking about innocent children, children that deserve to be saved if they are in danger.  It takes more than a phone call to remove a child, more than rumor, and it is rarely an easy decision.

 

I know this is a little contradictive of my negative comment but guess I just need to vent, might just be oversensitive these days to negative stories in that I have been struggling with finding a permenant placement for one child in particular who has become a victim of the system.  She has been bounced from so many homes, so much heart ache, she rarely unpacks her bags these days. I just dont understand how someone can say, I will not bounce this child, talk of adoption one day, the next they sneak out so they are no longer welcome.  If I tell you of their behaviors and you say no problem, dont bounce them when it happens and if You cant deal with something and you know it, dont take the child into your home.

 

 If I was put under the microscope we put children under these days when I was younger  I would have probably been commited, children can be some odd creatures, we were all that way at one time or another, so isn't is unrealistic to expect our foster children to be perfect when we are not.  Imagine being that kid, taken from what you know for doing nothing wrong, your mom and dad stay home, pets stay home, but you are thrust int o a strangers home and expected to be okay with that.  Of course they are eventually going to test some boundaries.  I dont know about you but I have a hard time in new environments, so wouldnt it be even harder for a child to adjust.  Anyway please, dont make the decision to remove kids from your home when your angry, take a step back, and evaluate the situation.

 

I just hope that anyone out in the world who reads this makes the commitment to keep children whether for 2 days or 18 years.  If you have our own bio child and they get into trouble at school, sneak out, lie, whatever, you would not send them packing though we all would like to at one time or another, please look at foster children the same, it might be hard, but you might be the last person to give that child a true chance.  Also, try hard not to take it personal when you are investigated, when a worker asks what seem to be invasive questions, it is all done for the safety of children, the well being of a soul, remember not everyone that gets into this business is doing so for the right reasons and if workers do not keep that in mind with even the best homes, children can end up left in abusive homes that are supposed to be protecting them.  You cant imagine how tough it is to pull a child, place them in a licensed home, than find out, you placed them in harms way, destroyed the last remaining shred of trust they had in people. 

 

I hope that some other people with positive experiences will pipe in, I love reading about great endings, happy stories, I would think everyone else does as well.  We have enough gloom and doom stories on the news, never anything about those who devote their lives to children.  I am truly impressed by those who have made the commitment to take in children despite the ups and downs of the system.  I am also not trying to knock those who have removed children from their home, I know there are a lot out their that are still excellent homes, sometimes children cant make it in family foster care, sometimes personalities just dont mix, whatever the reason,  I just hope that everyone tries everything in their power to make it work. 

I have been  foster parent for sixteen months....Now my world is upside down...My husband of 8yrs has asked me for a divorce..My foster daughter is in a hospital for stress and depression,taken from my home and my care.I'm so lost!....My case has to be investiaged. The last word from my case worker was that I would get to see her soon..It's been 2 weeks now. My heart is broken..and ach's for her.She is my daughter!!...The pain that she has from her sad little past,and now my husband adding too it..It's almost like is this true....Life?...Keep us in your prayers..That what is best for her is best for me....Her TPR is soon and I want in every being of me to adopt her...God answered a 17 year prayer of mine to have another child,a daughter. I have a son that is 19..He's the love of my life....but were missing our other love....She is the brightest...tender....most beautiful....loving,daughter I always dreamed and prayed for....I have what It takes to make it work....God willing...Bring it on!!!!!!..Tears fill my face now that I reread my post....My sweetie....Mommie is here.
 
September 23, 2008, 6:34 pm CDT

Foster Parenting

Hello,

My husband & I have been foster parents for 4 years. Within those four years i have had the same children.

They were returned to there mother & returned back to me.

I had this child since he was 12 months old. He was put in my care in 2006. He had visits w/ mom.He left with his mom after 13 months in my home. He returned back to me 3 weeks later he had been abused by moms boyfreind. I was told he is not returning to mom after this are you willing to adopt him. We said yes.

 

Mom has 2 other babies in the same year. Parental Rights have not been Terminated yet!

He was taken from my home this year just to be put in another foster home where he did not know anyone.

We cried for 2 weeks striaght. CASA worker never came to my home to meet him or us.

His At-Litum attorney never came to our  home not even once but drives 250 miles to go and see him before the court hearing to take a picture to show the court he is doing ok. CPS caseworker only came once to my home & that because my husband told her to come to our home so she can meet this child.

 

This are the people that make these desicions for this kids & they do not even know this kid. They tore up our family we are hurting .my own kids are hurting.my older child went into a depression.

I wrote the Govenor & the senator & my local congressmen & CPS no one did nothing.

 

When he was removed i stayed on the computer till 4-5 in morning researching. I read the entire handbook on CPS & the things i found out just blew my mind.

CPS will do anything it can for you not to get the children you are fight for back.

 

Another thing is that the agency that i am w/ now

 

They said it was in the best intrest for the child. They have no clue what the best intrest for the child is.

No one cares for this children like the foster parents who are there when they are sick or scared or crying wanting to know why is this happening to me? We know this children more than anybody else & the people who do not know them are the ones who make the last call.

 

 I hired an attorney to interven but was not granted.

I felt this attorney did not help me put at all because he & the ad-litum attorney were in the same office not even 2-3 feet away from each other. But he said we are not partnerswe work seperatly.

I paid this attorney a pretty penny for just 30 min un the intervention & my money that was not used he kept and did not return it to me. I hired another attorney we went to mediation & still CPS did not want to return him to me. So know we are going to court in front of a jury they will decide what is in the best intrest for this children. But know i am fighting to get his siblings as well.

I had 2 other children in my home & 1 month later were removed for an un known reason.

CPS worker calling the agency threating them trying to get info on me.That they will not give them no more children as long as i was a foster parent there. I was faslely accused of over medicating my FC ince he was removed i was investigated by the state and everthing came out clean.

Did some research only to find out the the Dr. Recommend by the agency had a prior record of prescribing mediation to him self, his family,his girlfriend. I do not under stand why there allowing him to treat FC.

They told me will his licence was not taken away. SO WHAT why are FC allowed to be treated by this man.

 

sorry so long but i just had to vent. Thanks for listening to me.

 

There are so many things that are wrong with the system & no one does nothing to fix it.

I went back to school because i want to become a case manager so i can be the eyes & voice for this children that are not being heard on what they want. I am also going to be a Volunteer for CASA because i want to make a change for this children. I hear so many stories & it just breaks my heart.

 

 
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