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Topic : Foster Parenting

Number of Replies: 242
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 12:27:01 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you a foster parent or interested in becoming one? Are you considering adopting your foster child? Share advice and support with others here.

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September 23, 2008, 7:11 pm CDT

Foster Parenting

fcworker,

 

I know from experience that there alot of case managers that are awsome. They are there for the child meet with them, come over & play with them, bringing them a present on their b-day or christmas or just because the CM wanted to. That makes a big difference in a childs life. They are happy somebody besides us remembered there birthday.

 

From your e-mail it sounds like you are one of the good CM.

But how many good ones are there? I wish that all workers were like you who take there job to heart & really focus on the needs for this children. But i have had bad experiences with the last 4 CM in the past

7 months. I know your job is tough & there are lot of negative stories posted.

I know children that my in laws had they were adopted by a great family out of state.

But  again the CM they had was on the ball. Making Visits .There for the children answer questions.

Making sure everything was fine.

 

I think if you have a good CM you will have no problems & will have a positive outcome.

 

I thank you for being a CM that cares & is there for the best intrest for the child.

 
September 30, 2008, 11:09 pm CDT

Foster Parenting

Quote From: ibdawnk

I am so sorry for the loss that you are all experiencing and the corruption that you are feeling. I do not intend to make light of that at all by this post.  Please do not hear that.
It is just that I hear so much bad press about foster care and DCS out there and I just want people to know that there are times when the system, thought not perfect BY ANY MEANS, actually works.  My husband and I have adopted 4 children through the foster care system and while there were things that were done in a way that caused harm to them (in our case they were left in the bio-home for far too long) the system worked in the end for them and removed them from an very abusive and neglectfull home and placed them into a home where they are loved and well cared for.  They did justice to the parents and helped them try to get on their feet but when they could not get any of it done they terminated rights and allowed us to adopt them.  I guess I just wanted to say that the foster care system is not all bad and that there are some saints that work as case workers.  Yes, it's a flawed system but it can also be a great system at times and truly protects children often.  We owe much grattitude to our caseworker and our children still talk about her, write her letters, and call her.  She was great and stood in the gap for the children when they needed her to. 

HELLO ..........HEY I HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU I'VE BEEN A TREATMENT FOSTER PARENT FOR 8 YEARS NOW AND I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY BAD ABOUT CYFD WORKERS I MY SELF HAVE ADOPTED 2 LITTLE BOYS 6 AND 7 AT THE TIME THERE WONDERFUL NOW THEY WERE IN TREATMENT FOR 3 YEARS BE FOUR I MET THEM ,THE SOCIAL  WORKERS SEE ME OUT THERE IN THE FIELD WORKING TO GET ANOTHER ONE OF MY FOSTER KIDS ADOPTED OR THEY CALL ME TWO ADOPTED FUNCTIONS , THEY CALL TO SEE HOW THE BOYS ARE DOING. THEY WORK THEIR ASSES OFF FOR THESE KIDS ,SOME HAVE 20 CASES AT A TIME .I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ALL LIVE BUT IN NEW MEXICO WE HAVE RULES  AND THEY HAVE HARDER RULES .I MY SELF HAVE BEEN INVESTIGATED YEARS BACK FOR WHAT THESE KIDS SAY, I WASN'T WORRIED , I DIDN'T DO IT AND I DIDN'T TAKE ITS OUT ON THE KID, THAT JUST MADE ME WORK HARDER FOR THEM .IT'S NOT ABOUT US , IT'S ABOUT THE KID ,WHAT THERE FEELING WHAT THEY BEEN THUR.I'M A TREATMENT PARENT THESE KIDS I GET ARE SICK AND HAVE BEEN THUR HELL..........THERE BEHAVIORS  ARE NOT ABOUT ME IT'S ABOUT HOW THERE FEELING AND IF PEOPLE THINK IT'S EASY AND THEY ACT OUT OR CAUSE PROBLEMS GET RID OF THE CHILD DON'T DO THIS JOB BECAUSE THESE KIDS ARE HURT AND WILL ACT OUT ..........DO IT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO MAKE A DIFFRENTS IN A CHILD LIFE.........DO IT FOR ALL THE LOST PARENTS WHO COULDN'T BE THERE FOR THESE KIDS BECAUSE OF DRUGS.IT'S SO REWARDING THEN ONE OF MY OLDER GIRLS CALL TO SAY THANK YOU  FOR MAKING ME WATCH YOU COOK BECAUSE I CAN COOK NOW ,I DIDN'T GET IT ,BUT NOW THAT I'M ON MY OWN I GET WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO TEACH ME....REMEMBER THESE KIDS GROW UP ........THEY REMEMBER HOW YOU TREATED THEM HOW YOU ABUSED THEM THEY REMEMBER YOU.........SO THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SOCIAL WORKERS WHO DO THIS JOB..........FOR THE CHILDREN..........AND FOR ME.                 CAT
 
October 1, 2008, 10:40 am CDT

Foster Parenting

Quote From: i4adoption

Hi, I'm an adoptive and foster parent.  How to become a foster parent depends on the state and county you live in.  First get into the phone book and call CPS (not the report child abuse number, the actual office).  If it's not listed try DSHS (Dept. of Social and Health Services).  In my phone book those numbers are in the local government pages.  Ask how to become a foster parnet, and your off.  They should send you information in the mail within a few weeks. Heads up though, If you pursue foster parenting you are in for an emotional roller coster ride.  To get approved is difficult.  There will be background checks, home studies, and lots of training classes with tons and tons of rules.  Once you are approved to foster and you get a "placement"  be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.  Remember these kids aren't "normal"  they have issues that will effect other children in your home.  It's a difficult road to travel, but it's worth it!!!!!!!!!!  I remember the first time I got through to our first foster child.  It was beautiful.  You will learn to love the "un-loveable" and fight battles you didn't know you had in you (not with the children, but with the legal system).  Also be prepared for when the children are moved from your home.  It is heart wrenching, especially if you disagree with the states decision (and many times you will).  I can honestly say that my experiences as a foster parent were filled with challenges and speed bumps, but I love every one of those children who were in my home, and I pray that I impacted their lives for the better.  It was hard, BUT WORTH IT!!  Good Luck!
I am a foster parent who understands the ups and downs that come along with being a foster parent.  We are caring for some wonderful children who we would like to see stay with us.  It can be very emotional at times.  The children are settled and comfortable and now we may see them go back.  Why are childrens feelings and emotions so easily discarded?
 
October 24, 2008, 9:45 am CDT

husband putting foster daughter first

We have been foster parents for 10 years and we have a 13 year old daughter who we have had since she was 2 years old.  We are not able to adopt her.  My husband put her first in everything.  He asked her advice about everything before he asked me.  He does not make her do anything around the house.  She comes home from school and goes into her bedroom and then she comes out for dinner and then goes back into her bedroom.  When I asked her to do anything she gets bad at me and talks back and sometimes she used bad words to me.  When I say anything to my husband about it he gets mad at me and says that it is all my fault.  (That I do not care about her)  I take her to all of her doctors appointments and made sure that she gets her medicine.  I spent two weeks with her in the hospital.

 

She does not care about anybody in the house except for my husband,  She does not talk to me or my mother who is living with us ( my mom is 98 years old)  That really hurts.  I ask her questions and she say nothing, but my husband can come home and ask her the same question and she tells him everything.

 

What can I do?

 
November 26, 2008, 1:44 pm CST

Foster Parenting

Quote From: momason

We have been foster parents for 10 years and we have a 13 year old daughter who we have had since she was 2 years old.  We are not able to adopt her.  My husband put her first in everything.  He asked her advice about everything before he asked me.  He does not make her do anything around the house.  She comes home from school and goes into her bedroom and then she comes out for dinner and then goes back into her bedroom.  When I asked her to do anything she gets bad at me and talks back and sometimes she used bad words to me.  When I say anything to my husband about it he gets mad at me and says that it is all my fault.  (That I do not care about her)  I take her to all of her doctors appointments and made sure that she gets her medicine.  I spent two weeks with her in the hospital.

 

She does not care about anybody in the house except for my husband,  She does not talk to me or my mother who is living with us ( my mom is 98 years old)  That really hurts.  I ask her questions and she say nothing, but my husband can come home and ask her the same question and she tells him everything.

 

What can I do?

Crap! Mom, that is not good. FIrst, you and your husband need to get on the same bloody page. YOu are the one home all the time, not him, you are the primary carer of the child, she needs to talk to you. She needs to listen to you. Maybe you can ask her to do something with you, like make cookies or something and try to get her to talk. It seems to me that if she spends any more time on her own that she'll grow crazy.

 

I was an only child for six and a half years and my Mum home schooled me because I stuttered, all of my teachers at school would make me read out loud and the kids would make fun because my reading shills were crap, Mum spent two hours with me, every day, reading "Green Eggs and Ham".

 

Like I said, you and the hubby need to get on the same page, you both need to agree on things and that kid needs to not be in her bedroom all the time. She needs to do her school work at the kitchent able and help with dinner. That's what!

 
November 26, 2008, 1:45 pm CST

Foster Parenting

Quote From: c_nodine

HELLO ..........HEY I HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU I'VE BEEN A TREATMENT FOSTER PARENT FOR 8 YEARS NOW AND I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY BAD ABOUT CYFD WORKERS I MY SELF HAVE ADOPTED 2 LITTLE BOYS 6 AND 7 AT THE TIME THERE WONDERFUL NOW THEY WERE IN TREATMENT FOR 3 YEARS BE FOUR I MET THEM ,THE SOCIAL  WORKERS SEE ME OUT THERE IN THE FIELD WORKING TO GET ANOTHER ONE OF MY FOSTER KIDS ADOPTED OR THEY CALL ME TWO ADOPTED FUNCTIONS , THEY CALL TO SEE HOW THE BOYS ARE DOING. THEY WORK THEIR ASSES OFF FOR THESE KIDS ,SOME HAVE 20 CASES AT A TIME .I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ALL LIVE BUT IN NEW MEXICO WE HAVE RULES  AND THEY HAVE HARDER RULES .I MY SELF HAVE BEEN INVESTIGATED YEARS BACK FOR WHAT THESE KIDS SAY, I WASN'T WORRIED , I DIDN'T DO IT AND I DIDN'T TAKE ITS OUT ON THE KID, THAT JUST MADE ME WORK HARDER FOR THEM .IT'S NOT ABOUT US , IT'S ABOUT THE KID ,WHAT THERE FEELING WHAT THEY BEEN THUR.I'M A TREATMENT PARENT THESE KIDS I GET ARE SICK AND HAVE BEEN THUR HELL..........THERE BEHAVIORS  ARE NOT ABOUT ME IT'S ABOUT HOW THERE FEELING AND IF PEOPLE THINK IT'S EASY AND THEY ACT OUT OR CAUSE PROBLEMS GET RID OF THE CHILD DON'T DO THIS JOB BECAUSE THESE KIDS ARE HURT AND WILL ACT OUT ..........DO IT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO MAKE A DIFFRENTS IN A CHILD LIFE.........DO IT FOR ALL THE LOST PARENTS WHO COULDN'T BE THERE FOR THESE KIDS BECAUSE OF DRUGS.IT'S SO REWARDING THEN ONE OF MY OLDER GIRLS CALL TO SAY THANK YOU  FOR MAKING ME WATCH YOU COOK BECAUSE I CAN COOK NOW ,I DIDN'T GET IT ,BUT NOW THAT I'M ON MY OWN I GET WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO TEACH ME....REMEMBER THESE KIDS GROW UP ........THEY REMEMBER HOW YOU TREATED THEM HOW YOU ABUSED THEM THEY REMEMBER YOU.........SO THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SOCIAL WORKERS WHO DO THIS JOB..........FOR THE CHILDREN..........AND FOR ME.                 CAT

Mate, do something for me...

 

TURN OFF THE BLOODY CAPS KEY OFF!!!!!!

 
November 26, 2008, 1:51 pm CST

Foster Parenting

Quote From: fcworker

I have read through a lot of the posts on here and cant help but notice that almost every post is negative.  How bad workers are, the system, etc.  I am a foster care worker and pour everything into my job.  I stay up at night wondering, having to live with decisions I made.  I work hard to establish trust with the children I work with, foster parents as well.  I am not perfect, and I know that the system is broken, no one is perfect, no worker the same, just as no foster parent is the same.  However, We all do have the same goal and I hate to see foster parents bashing the system that is already short of foster homes.  One negative comment could sway a great person from becoming licensed, changing the life of a child.  I could share a million stories with you of poor decisions by the system and just as many by foster parents who gave up on a child.  What good would that do though, spread a negative message, we have enough of that in the world. I know some posts are just venting,but I know there are positive stories, amazing outcomes, wondering where those posts are.

Here is one for you.

 

I am adopted. I am the oldest daughter of two wonderful foster/adopt parents and I wouldn't have it any other way. Same with my siblings. We were all adopted and only two are biological and thankfully God put them with us. My brother Tony had to do visits with his B-Mom every week and every week he would call my Mum from the pay phone and always tell her that he was going to come back to us. When we were finally able to adopt him (and his sister on the same day) he goes "Mamma-Jackie, can I call you Mom now?"

 

Mom cried, because she always wanted to be a Mom and the CW's wouldn't allow the kids to call her Mom and so we had always use mamma-Jackie. So, when he was finally able to drop that last part, Mum was so happy!  so was my Dad. My parents love us and if they could they'd adopt more, but, five kids is enough for my Mum.

 
December 2, 2008, 11:43 pm CST

Why we do Foster care

I have been a Foster parent going on for 3 years now.  We have been so lucky to be able to have nearly 50 children come in and out of our home.  I feel so blessed to be able to share in these kids lives.  Is it hard??  You bet, some days impossible? most certainly!  Do other people think I am crazy? Heck I know I am crazy!!  I have 3 bio children (11,9,6)  They are the ones I worry about most of all.  They have seen some realities of life that I try to protect them from like drugs and abuse and I hope that they are learning how such actions effect others.  But I have seen them love these children and get to share in the joy of showing them things for the first time like taking a 2 year old to a park for the first time and watching their excitement as they swing for the first time.  I hope my children are learning compassion and love for our fellow man.  I do worry though, about their making and breaking attachments.  My youngest was 3 when we began, so I don't really notice that she has changed, she has just grown up doing foster care.  Usually we only have emergency placements that stay less than a month, but there have been a couple of them that we have fallen in love with and have hopes for adoption.  We were severely heartbroken by a social worker last year.  My daughter was in kindergarten and already had a hard time being separated from me.  I ended up pulling her out of school about 8 weeks early because of the crying fits and tantrums over going to school.  Even down to screaming and trying to hit the principal which was so out of character for her.  I am homeschooling her this year and she is doing really well.  I would like to send her back to regular school, but I don't know how likely that is.  I wish the foster care system had some sort of services that they could help us with.  I did take her to a therapist a couple of times but I really did not like where they lady was taking the discussions.  I think someone who was familiar with the system, would be able to offer us some better help.  Foster care is the only unstable thing in our lives.  A lot of people look at foster care as a pariah.  It is an imperfect system in an imperfect world, run by imperfect people.  I just wish that I knew for certain that we are not doing any harm, by helping these children.  I am a firm believer that we can not save another person's child at the expense of our own.  I just wish that the line between helping and harming were a little more obvious!
 
January 26, 2009, 6:05 am CST

my wifes children

as i'm new to this, even though i watch the master any time i get. i'm hopingg someone can help with the situation my wife and me find ourselves in. i met my wife 8yr ago and we married 2yr ago, i love her very much and try to make life as comfortable for her as possible. when we met her eldest son was 10yr old at the time, he's now 18. Me and him just don't get on one bit even though i've tried everything from asking him to go play snooker. to comig out and having dinner with us all on a sunday. from early on he just didnt want to mix with anyone at home, he refused to get involved in any family outtings. this went on for 2yr, he was cheeky, giving me attitude, but not just me, everyone got the attitude, from school to his mum too his sisters. we just put it down to a lippy teenager. hoping that he'd grow out of it. things got bad after his 14th birthday, i was starting to hear things like your not my dad, you've no right to tell me to do anything. i left all the disipline to his mother,but her been the mum, she just wasn't able to give him tough love, she's always gave him what he wanted not what he needed. i never got involved when she'd be arguing with him over school or the way he was treating her or his sisters, cause if i did it was only thrown back in my face about your not my dad. eventually he hit her one day, gave her a slap, when i got home fromwork and heard this i went mad, it told me that things were going the the hill quicker than i thought, i was thinking he's on drugs, I was mad when i spoke to him over what he did to his mother and told him he better not put his hand on her again. i hit him with a clatter to the head and had everyone, from gran to auntys to sister to even his mum onto me over it,he was 15yr old at this stage. things quitened down for a year. me and his mother got married and life was starting to look good again. or so i thought. money started to go missing around the house, from my wallet, his grandmother went away for a weeks holiday and he broke into her home and stole a lot of money. we eventually caught him and he admitted to it all. he's went out of his way to try break our marriage up by telling complete lies about something i said or did and of course he convinced nearly everyone that anything i was supposed to have said or done was true. me and his mother did break up for 3 months over all of this, were back trying to make it work, but nothing has changed only its got worse, money starting to going missing again, he gave his sister a bad beating before xmas, he's hit his mother again and told her to get rid of her fella before he respects her. she eventually threw him out, he's 18 now and i know her family are looking down there noses at her cause they see it as shes choosen her husband over her son and thats far away from the truth. shes had enough of him treating her like a dog, not respecting anything she says. and she knows the other kids are starting to mimmick his behaviour now. this has left me an awkward sitation because before he left he tried putting his head in my face getting all aggressive at the same time, i didn't react to it cause i remember what happened the last time i hit him. so to get back to the reason why i'm doing this post is. to see if anyone has experienced what i'm going through or if anyone has any useful knowledge, cause i'm seriously thinking of leaving my home for good, i can see this kid coming back and nothing will change and because he's got away with murder he obviosly thinks i'm some sort of fool for putting up with this and i can see him trying to take this to the next level which is breaking physical with me. so what would you do in this situation? leave? stay? play him at his own game? is ending my marriage the only really option?
 
February 14, 2009, 10:25 pm CST

Foster Parenting

Hi, my name is Carole , I am a mom of 8 children, of which I fostered 3 , but adopted 5 of the 8 . I  was just reading about a lady who felt the system picks and choses who the want to license, oh how true that is. When my husband and I took on the 2 children that we adopted but didn't foster , we were their guardians, we were trying to get our license, in order to adopt them and 2 other simblings, when mom and dad did something wrong the county allowed the boys to stay with mike and I , for 2 weeks without pay, then they allowed dad and mom to take them back, shortly after another baby came along and we were still trying to get our license , as we really knew it would only be a matter of time before the parents did something again, and also we wanted to adopt the two we had and the county held off our license until these children were in a foster home secure enough time, that it wouldn't have been fair to move them , we got our license a few weeks before the foster parents to these 3 simblings to our children were adopted. The County we lived in never could explain why all of a sudden we were eligible for our foster license. So my daughter and son have lost their little brothers and sister forever, because you see the family who adopted them moved far away from us and the ties are severed forever. I have to see the worker everytime I go to the store or shopping anywhere in our town. My daughter , the oldest of this group of seperated kids graduates this year and said all she wants is to see her brothers and sister. They also have two sibblings , here in our town, of which one has no idea he is their brother, and they all go to school together. I just think people who adopt should think a little more of the childrens needs , than their own, no child wants to be seperated from their parents, but it makes it doubly bad to be disconnected from sisters and brothers. They other 3 children we fostered and then adopted , actually kind of have the same situation, except their siblings are 30 minutes away, and they can't see them, why would anyone want to seperate kids, family is security and bio-families lose out in this system.
 
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