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Topic : Foster Parenting

Number of Replies: 242
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 12:27:01 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you a foster parent or interested in becoming one? Are you considering adopting your foster child? Share advice and support with others here.

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March 1, 2006, 9:08 am CST

i want to forster with hope to adopt

i would love to forster i have so much love and i really care about showing older kids there are real moms out there who want to be a real mom to them show them love that they can feel, i have one very loving child of my own but i just bought a home with four bedrooms just so that i can forster and then hope to have a child love me enough to want me to adopt her or him or them.  not sure where to begin scared of these bad agency that i hear so much about.  i want a sure thing. 

  

 
March 1, 2006, 5:03 pm CST

Foster Parenting

Quote From: mousy1021

i live ive in new york on staten island and have on kid of my own can you tell me where i too can froster i have a four bedroom home and lots of love and patiance. 

  

Thanks, 

Anna maria 

hello i actually live in new zealand but if you want to foster you can try ringing a child services agency and they will tell you everything you need to know, have a nice day,
 
March 4, 2006, 12:54 am CST

You are not alone!

Quote From: oc_mom

Hubby calls it "raising children by commitee"  and I just need to scream "It isn't working" 

  

We have had 2 boys (twins) in our care for almost 5 years.  The first year they were with us through the parents giving custody over on their own.  So here we are 5 years later.  The adoption has still not gone through and now these boys are 13.  They are our sons and we love them as such.  But I have to know if anyone else is going crazy with the system.  These boys became worse and worse through the system.  The system throws youth partners, social workers, wrap around, casa, TBS coaches, therapists, phychatrists.. into their life.  These boys are re-enforced daily that they are not our children but they are their own person.  Behavior, attitude, respect, all out the door because of the county.   One kid has acted sexually on a younger boy, physically injured a 9 pound dog to the point of blood everywhere and a 5 inche long x 2 inch wide gash on her back, fires in our youngest daughters room to recently finding out he sets his own hands on fire while chanting "hexes" as he calls them.  His teachers call him a minamalist.  He is in special Ed. and wants to stay there because he can just "get by". He shouldn't be there at ALL.  He can get good grades to come out as a "good student" yet spend his days reading these black magic books his youth partner gets him from the library.  In my opinion I have never seen a better manipulator in my life.  Now his brother not so good at it, he toughes it up and takes his consequences.  What we have found is with the fire starter, what he learns from a consequance is ways not to get caught next time.  No remorse, no empathy, no feelings of wrong doing.  When he was told not to start fires in his room, I would put money on it that he will do it in the bathroom and then argue and rightfully act as if he is totally in the right "you didn't say not to do it in the bathrooom."  OMG you have to be SO specific and sometimes that just isn't possible to think that specific. 

No matter how much we fight, beg and plead the state to STOP telling these boys they are in control, they continue to re-enforce that these boys call all the shots.  Neither child has remorse, empathy or guilt for their actions.  Why?  Because the state enforces they don't need it.  When they do wrong they simply say "I don't want to live here"  They are never asked to stand up for their actions.  What happens when they are 18 and the state and everyone is gone?  The fire starter actaully told the social worker that he will just go from home to home till he finds a place that he likes.  The state told them on their 12th birthday that now that they are 12 they get to make all their choices.  They have a say in where they live, they have a say in what they want to do.   Just because a child turns 16 doesn;t mean that they deserve a license, what would make them think that just because a child is 12 they can be told they hold the cards.  Following the "You call the shots" conversation one twin came home proclaiming his rights, busted a window, severed 1 tendion and sliced throuh 4 others and asked to leave.  Why?  Because he knew when he came back from the hospital he would be grounded and held accountable for the window. Why do that when the state lets you do what you want,   6 months in another home he realized how much our home was a "home" and not 3 hots and a cot.  His new placement didn't take him with them on vacations, dinners and fun times out.  Well now his twin is at Orangewood (3 days now).  We called the meeting, we put this in play wanting to show him that he doesn't hold the cards.  So what does his youth partner do.  Right there in the meeting he looks over at the child and says "where do YOU want to go?  This is all your choice.  What do YOU want?"  He says " a group home"  guess where he got to go.  Yup a group home, because HE calls all the shots.  Heck why does he have to respect us as parents when we as parents don't mean diddly to him.  We explained the meaning of family.  The joy of coming home during college, bringing your wife home, your children to be with thier grandparents and so on.  His next attorney visit, he tells her these things, when she asked why he wants to stay at our home.  You know what she tells him???  "Family doesn't mean everything.  The state will buy you a car, house, college and even a computer".   WTH?   You know why he wants a group home and not another foster home?  Because there are more adults to manipulate with his withdrawn sadden stories.  A staff turn around making maniulation easier.  In a home once he gets caught lying, cheating and stealing the social worker may catch on that maybe the issues we say we are having are true,  He have asked him point blank "What is going to be different in another home?  If you can stop lying, cheating and stealing then why can't you do that here?  Is it that you think you can get away with it for longer since they haven't caught on to you?" Here is a child that is loved, wanted and welcomed into a home and the county is doing all they can to stop that.  He has no friends and no desire to have any.  With his retractive attachment disorder (I think that is what they called it) he can care less if someone or something is taken away.  Kids don't give him sympathy.  Kids don't give him attention.  Kids can care less if your life sucks.  But adults... Oh they give all the pity,.  So instead of getting this kid involved with other peers, why not throw out more adults to keep him entertained.  They started sending over a Casa and youth partner to take him out to the movies, musuems, beach, dinner every week.  This is a child that is part of a family has 2 parents and is NOT deprived for attention.  All day at school he isolates himself into black magic, ignoring peers because he sweeps himself away in his mind about his "adult state partners".   

  

Why is it so hard as the parent that lives and works with a child 24/7 to be heard by the county?  As much as we love these boys we are on the verge of calling it quits.  We have children of our own.  Children that are being neglected and short changed due to the extra energy it takes to deal with the boys.  

  

Bless your heart if you are still with me.   Please tell me I am not alone in thise fight.  

I'm dealing with very same issues as your boys with my daughter who is now 14. She and her brother, now 16, have been with me for 5 1/2 years. My son is doing great now that he is in high school and in the JROTC. It's really turned him around for the good.

  

 

 

  

 

It's my daughter whom I'm having problems with now. She is in 8th grade and has really gone off the deep end. She was an honors student until this last semester where she couldn't maintain the required grades to stay in. She is hanging out with a derelict crowd, now considers herself bisexual and an Atheist, and has run away from home twice now (I found her after a couple of hours both times).

  

 

 

  

 

I can't figure out what is going on with her and why she thinks living here with me is so intolerable. She says I am too controlling, because I won't let her pierce her lip, dye her hair until her grades improve, limit her internet time to one hour a day after homework is done, and made her put me as a friend on her MySpace.com account so I could monitor her. Oh yeah, she also wants to go visit a "friend" for a week this summer that she met through MySpace. The nerve of me not letting her go! (she says sarcastically).

  

 

 

  

 

Currently, she is staying with her old foster mom for a couple of weeks, not as a foster kid, but as a visitor. (Karin, her old FM, is trying to help me out.) I believe my daughter is now smoking pot, as she referred to getting stoned on her MySpace account. (she doesn't realize how much I look at it to see what she is up to) I have contacted her case worker (I'm their legal guardian, and not the adoptive parent at this point) 3 times over the last 2 years about my daughter's progressively defiance, depression and threats of suicide. The case worker has now submitted paper work to the court to make Nikki a "youth at risk" where she now will have to be accountable to the judge.

  

 

 

  

 

At this point, I don't know if Nikki wants to come back and live with me or be put into a new home or group home. I fear she will let her stubbornness get the best of her and will decide to choose a group home over coming home to me. The guilt I feel is that I'm not sure if I want her to come back and I feel bad saying that. I believe that she also has reactive attachment disorder and have been reading articles on Borderline Personality Disorder and it TOTALLY describes Nikki.

  

 

 

  

 

You are right about the kids getting to make decisions about their future. I want Nikki to come back, but not if she is going to act the way she was. I need her to not run away and call me awful names. This affects the entire family, including her brother.

  

 

 

  

 

I'm not sure how this will all end for me, or for you, but I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone. You sound like you are very loving and have tried hard with these kids, like I have. It is really hard when you put so much love, time, and effort into these kids and they don't feel ANY attachment to you, or loyalty. It's hard, and I have found myself crying at night a lot these last couple of months. I'm a big believer in fate, so I'm hoping fate will steer Nikki, and myself, towards the right path.

  

 

 

  

 

Good luck. It's good to know that I'm not alone!

  

 

Krista 

 
March 4, 2006, 1:14 am CST

Our stories sound the same.

Quote From: mrlaamom5

We became foster parents a few years ago with the plan of adopting. All of the parents we attended training classes with were totally set on adopting children under the age of 5, or specifically adopting babies. We didn't have a preference, because we just knew we wanted to be able to help a child in need of a home.  

  

We adopted our youngest daughter at the age of 5 - she is now 10. We adopted our older daughter at the age of 11 - she is now 15. The youngest daughter is absolutely awesome - I couldn't have asked for a more well-behaved child!  

  

Our older daughter, on the other hand, has been a problem for the last couple of years. Drugs, alcohol, running away - all kinds of damaging behavior. I truly believe she has Reactive Attachment Disorder, and she has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  This child is not afraid of ANYTHING, and will do anything to please others. If you are considering adopting an older child, get EVERY detail about their childhood history, and read all you can about Reactive Attachment Disorder. These children needs lots of patience and understanding - and I mean ALOT. Our daughter recently ran away from a faith-based drug rehab center she had been in for 4 months.  She was missing for two weeks, until finally turning herself in to authorities.  While on the run, she did some horrific things that disgust me. We have her in an adolescent psych. facility for a few days of evaluating until she goes into a behavioral treatment facility for 6-9 months - IF she doesn't run away from there.  We are to the point where she can't be in our home right now until she comes to an end of herself.  My biggest concern is that my 10 year old is very impressionable, and I have a 16 year old son with ADHD who my older daughter has influenced as well.  

  

My husband and I caught the last 20 minutes of Brat Camp on TV last night, and I could see how my daughter would relate to some of those kids with all of her history of hurt and rejection.  This has defined who she is, and I've tried to tell her that her behavior is a choice and she has the power to change how she reacts.  She won't listen to me. Any thoughts or comments?  I'd love to hear them.  

I'm going to paste my response that I made to another parent going through what we are. My 14 year old is on the verge of doing what your daughter has chosen to do. I am scared to death. She is also not living in our home temporarily. It's been a little over a week now. I believe she has the Reactive Attachment Disorder, too. Here is my post about my situation. Unfortunately I don't have advise. I'm here on this message board looking for answers myself. Know that you aren't alone in this, though! 

  

I'm dealing with very same issues as your boys with my daughter who is now 14. She and her brother, now 16, have been with me for 5 1/2 years. My son is doing great now that he is in high school and in the JROTC. It's really turned him around for the good.

  

 

 

  

 

It's my daughter whom I'm having problems with now. She is in 8th grade and has really gone off the deep end. She was an honors student until this last semester where she couldn't maintain the required grades to stay in. She is hanging out with a derelict crowd, now considers herself bisexual and an Atheist, and has run away from home twice now (I found her after a couple of hours both times).

  

 

 

  

 

I can't figure out what is going on with her and why she thinks living here with me is so intolerable. She says I am too controlling, because I won't let her pierce her lip, dye her hair until her grades improve, limit her internet time to one hour a day after homework is done, and made her put me as a friend on her MySpace.com account so I could monitor her. Oh yeah, she also wants to go visit a "friend" for a week this summer that she met through MySpace. The nerve of me not letting her go! (she says sarcastically).

  

 

 

  

 

Currently, she is staying with her old foster mom for a couple of weeks, not as a foster kid, but as a visitor. (Karin, her old FM, is trying to help me out.) I believe my daughter is now smoking pot, as she referred to getting stoned on her MySpace account. (she doesn't realize how much I look at it to see what she is up to) I have contacted her case worker (I'm their legal guardian, and not the adoptive parent at this point) 3 times over the last 2 years about my daughter's progressively defiance, depression and threats of suicide. The case worker has now submitted paper work to the court to make Nikki a "youth at risk" where she now will have to be accountable to the judge.

  

 

 

  

 

At this point, I don't know if Nikki wants to come back and live with me or be put into a new home or group home. I fear she will let her stubbornness get the best of her and will decide to choose a group home over coming home to me. The guilt I feel is that I'm not sure if I want her to come back and I feel bad saying that. I believe that she also has reactive attachment disorder and have been reading articles on Borderline Personality Disorder and it TOTALLY describes Nikki.

  

 

 

  

 

You are right about the kids getting to make decisions about their future. I want Nikki to come back, but not if she is going to act the way she was. I need her to not run away and call me awful names. This affects the entire family, including her brother.

  

 

 

  

 

I'm not sure how this will all end for me, or for you, but I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone. You sound like you are very loving and have tried hard with these kids, like I have. It is really hard when you put so much love, time, and effort into these kids and they don't feel ANY attachment to you, or loyalty. It's hard, and I have found myself crying at night a lot these last couple of months. I'm a big believer in fate, so I'm hoping fate will steer Nikki, and myself, towards the right path.

  

 

 

  

 

Good luck. It's good to know that I'm not alone!

  

 

Krista 

 
March 9, 2006, 6:08 am CST

fustrated with DYFS and court system

 My 2 nephews have been placed with my husband and I for a third time.  It all started over 7 years ago when my sisters son was born with cocaine in him, dyfs removed him and his brother almost 3 then.  When we got the boys the older one could not even use a fork or spoon and the baby was going through withdrawl.  We had to get the older one into a head start program because he was so far behind.  DYFS didn't explain everything  to us and it was handled as a custody dispute for 18 months.  After 18 months it finally became an abuse & neglect case.  After 22 months the boys were returned to the parents. Through out the placement the parents tested posative for drugs on more than one occasionYou couldn't even imagine the things that happened with the boys between placements just a few examples (6 yr old alone on main road 6 am / goes to school with $1100 / apartment catches on fire in boys bedroom while parents are sleeping a 5pm/ uncle overdosed in apartment/  mother over medicated boys)  I could go on forever.  Needless to say the boys were placed with us again 2/04.  This time it was an abuse & neglect case immediately
My sister was on many medications and couldn't even stay awake she thought it was ok because they were all perscriptions (that doesn't mean she wasn't abusing) and the house was deplorable etc.  By this time the baby was 5 and couldn't  identify letters, spell his name, know his phone #etc.
The 8 yr old was on an anti-psycotic drug (risperdal?) there is alot more info but anyhow this placement lasted 7 months.  I know dyfs was called numerous times between then an 8/05 because 8/05 dyfs had a family team meeting which I was invited to.  They set up all kinds of services for the parents.  In home parenting lessons, family counceling, re-hab, cleaning services etc.  These services continued until 12/05 then dyfs went for a follow up visit  1/06 and removed the boys again.  In court two days later both parents tested posative for cocaine and pot.  We have had the boys over 2 months now and they are doing very well.  The little one is having a problem is school because he can't read but we work on it every day and there has been major improvement.  My husband and I have told dyfs we want this to stop and we are willing to adopt but the court says dyfs has to provide services to reunite family  The parents have already lost visits for not following visitation contract and now visits are at dyfs office and parents have lost visit at dyfs office for testing posative for drugs.  We asked dyfs if we should hire an attorney and were told it would be a waste of our money,  dyfs seems to agree that this needs to stop but they have to follow the court order,  we go back to court in 2 weeks so I don't know what is going to happen next.  If anyone has any suggestions or advise we would greatly appreciate it.  Thank You
 
March 12, 2006, 7:04 pm CST

Feel your anger

Quote From: japit823

 My 2 nephews have been placed with my husband and I for a third time.  It all started over 7 years ago when my sisters son was born with cocaine in him, dyfs removed him and his brother almost 3 then.  When we got the boys the older one could not even use a fork or spoon and the baby was going through withdrawl.  We had to get the older one into a head start program because he was so far behind.  DYFS didn't explain everything  to us and it was handled as a custody dispute for 18 months.  After 18 months it finally became an abuse & neglect case.  After 22 months the boys were returned to the parents. Through out the placement the parents tested posative for drugs on more than one occasionYou couldn't even imagine the things that happened with the boys between placements just a few examples (6 yr old alone on main road 6 am / goes to school with $1100 / apartment catches on fire in boys bedroom while parents are sleeping a 5pm/ uncle overdosed in apartment/  mother over medicated boys)  I could go on forever.  Needless to say the boys were placed with us again 2/04.  This time it was an abuse & neglect case immediately
My sister was on many medications and couldn't even stay awake she thought it was ok because they were all perscriptions (that doesn't mean she wasn't abusing) and the house was deplorable etc.  By this time the baby was 5 and couldn't  identify letters, spell his name, know his phone #etc.
The 8 yr old was on an anti-psycotic drug (risperdal?) there is alot more info but anyhow this placement lasted 7 months.  I know dyfs was called numerous times between then an 8/05 because 8/05 dyfs had a family team meeting which I was invited to.  They set up all kinds of services for the parents.  In home parenting lessons, family counceling, re-hab, cleaning services etc.  These services continued until 12/05 then dyfs went for a follow up visit  1/06 and removed the boys again.  In court two days later both parents tested posative for cocaine and pot.  We have had the boys over 2 months now and they are doing very well.  The little one is having a problem is school because he can't read but we work on it every day and there has been major improvement.  My husband and I have told dyfs we want this to stop and we are willing to adopt but the court says dyfs has to provide services to reunite family  The parents have already lost visits for not following visitation contract and now visits are at dyfs office and parents have lost visit at dyfs office for testing posative for drugs.  We asked dyfs if we should hire an attorney and were told it would be a waste of our money,  dyfs seems to agree that this needs to stop but they have to follow the court order,  we go back to court in 2 weeks so I don't know what is going to happen next.  If anyone has any suggestions or advise we would greatly appreciate it.  Thank You
I am the mother of three children and just recently got my neice and nephew again.  They are 7 and 3.  I have had them on and off since she was 3 months old when her mom tried to drown her.  Her mom has been diagnosed with boarder line personality disorder and she doesn't think she needs any medication.  My brother has MS and milks it for all it is worth.  They love their kids that I don't doudt.  However I do know that as long as it is in their (the parents) best interest then the hell with the kids.  My neice is in counceling and has to go every week and has been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder.  I don't have any insurance and I am trying to get them on medicade but it seems like it is taking forever.  I have had them for 1 1/2 months and the parents have only given me 100 dollars.  My husband is really pissed about this because he knows they will get them back. I feel that it is going to end up with one of the kids being seriously hurt or god forbid even killed before the state will say, well I don't think they will ever change.  Anyone who thinks they know what to do let me know.  I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall. 
 
March 13, 2006, 9:50 am CST

been through that

Quote From: pdouglas

I am the mother of three children and just recently got my neice and nephew again.  They are 7 and 3.  I have had them on and off since she was 3 months old when her mom tried to drown her.  Her mom has been diagnosed with boarder line personality disorder and she doesn't think she needs any medication.  My brother has MS and milks it for all it is worth.  They love their kids that I don't doudt.  However I do know that as long as it is in their (the parents) best interest then the hell with the kids.  My neice is in counceling and has to go every week and has been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder.  I don't have any insurance and I am trying to get them on medicade but it seems like it is taking forever.  I have had them for 1 1/2 months and the parents have only given me 100 dollars.  My husband is really pissed about this because he knows they will get them back. I feel that it is going to end up with one of the kids being seriously hurt or god forbid even killed before the state will say, well I don't think they will ever change.  Anyone who thinks they know what to do let me know.  I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall. 
 When the boys were first placed with us DYFS told us that we should have BM &BF sign temporary custody over, after that  it was a battle between us and them even in court.  It wasn't handled as an abuse & neglect case, we were heard in family court and constantly had to file court papers every time they took us back to court to get custody.  I had to file for support etc.  BP were ordered to pay a total of $89 a week (for the newborn and  their son almost 3)   We were putting out  over $150 in daycare a week  plus  formula, diapers , clothes, food etc.  After to talking to someone very familiar with system we found out before they were placed with us the second time to make DYFS do everything and not have BP sign over Temp Custody.  That was the best thing we could ever do.  When the boys were placed with us the second time and the third time we had DYFS do everything  With in 7 days of placement we got medicaid cards and a check for $400 ($200 per child)  for clothing, before & after school daycare for older boy was totally paid for and we were given an amount for the younger ones daycare.  The place we chose was a little more expensive than the amount DYFS paid the daycare center so we had to pay $21 a week.  We also recieve a subsidy check for food/board/clothing every month.  Look in to your states policy.  We live in NJ
Good Luck
 
March 17, 2006, 3:11 pm CST

Adopting

Hello, My husband and I are parents of 8, but only two left at home, two sons, 16 & 19. Soon they will be gone. No we don't have empty nest...LOL..we truly know of a child who is adoptable but would like to adopt him. He is in foster care. He is 11, but are not quite sure how to go about it, and the finances of legal fees is a problem. Any ideas? 

  

 
March 28, 2006, 8:10 am CST

Run

Quote From: jdrabble

hello i actually live in new zealand but if you want to foster you can try ringing a child services agency and they will tell you everything you need to know, have a nice day,
 RUN ,, do not  get in with foster care. I would not wish it on anyone. I feel very sorry for the children, I want to love these children make sure they have a place called home, but it does not work that way, my dog has more rights then these children have. the state does not care for the children or there feelings. Sorry i do not know what the services are like in New Zealand, but here in the states , its bad.
 
March 28, 2006, 8:29 am CST

Foster Parenting

Quote From: wintersmom

I am a foster mom, and have been for the past 11 months.  I am the foster mother of a 12 month old boy, he is the most terrific baby.  I am in the process of adopting him.  He was born addicted to cocaine and has had a few problems, and I do not know what the future will hold for us, but I am willing to do this for my child.  He has been going to physical therapy for seven months and finaly learned to crawl, he has also been evaluated by our local infant learning center, I am very fortunate that I live in a community that supports early intervention for developmental delays.  Because I have made this life long decision to take care of this child, I have decided to go back to college and get a degree in early childhood development, so that I can be better prepared for what difficulties may lie ahead. My goal for the future is to help other foster parents that are faced with the challenges that I have and provide them with support.
 I'm so happy for you, i'm a foster mom of a 13 mon old girl,{ we got her at 4 days old} We want her . DCYF keeps telling us there is no way the mother is going to get her child back, that we have to keep playing the game till the right are taken from the mother. Well, i don't want to play,anymore, I wish they have never told us this. They have lied to us meny times, so have they lied this time, as well. My baby seem to be ok, not problem yet. But if there is , i will face them and help her the best i can.
 
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