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Topic : Foster Parenting

Number of Replies: 242
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 12:27:01 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you a foster parent or interested in becoming one? Are you considering adopting your foster child? Share advice and support with others here.

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March 28, 2006, 8:32 am CST

Foster Parenting

Quote From: acm401

 I am a graduate student at Boston University writing a paper on the state of foster care in Massachusetts. I am looking for a foster care family to observe and profile. Please contact me at amostue@bu.edu if interested. I appreciate your attention to my request.
  Can't help you with massachusett, but if you ever need some thing from R.I. about DCYF, i'll love to help
 
March 28, 2006, 8:44 am CST

Foster Parenting

Quote From: molly15

As a foster parent you will be come very upset with the system.  The system is there to unite the parent or parents with the child.  That is their main goal.  They will bend over backwards to do this.  They will exhaust all the avenues out there to get to his goal.  When it is very clear to the caseworker that getting the family back together is not going to work.  That is when the rights are terminated.  Have you home study done and get it updated so you are all set to go to start the adoption process. 
 Our cass work keeps telling us there is no way the mother is getting her children back { there is 5 of them, we have 1 of them,} It has been 14 mon now and the state still haven't done anything. She  is still getting 1 hour a week with two worker keeping an eye on the visitation. How long do these children have to wait tll they can have a loving,happy  home. We want to take two of the children, right now we just have 1. So what, the state is going to push the kids from home to home, from mom to home,  till they are so messed up that no one will want them. or they are of age to start having children, {because they are looking for love the wrong way} witch the new children well go right back in to the mess. { like two of the children , in this cass}, so what is right  and what is a answer?
 
March 28, 2006, 11:38 am CST

Teens

Please think about fostering a teenager, They may not be little cute or smell good but they have so much to offer. Many teens just need to have a safe place to come home to at the end of the day. Teens can be as vulnerable as a toddler and sometimes act out like one. Over the years I have had the privilege to share my home with some awesome teens. Many have turned into awesome parents and productive adults. Yes and some ended up in jail but even those kids have told me the respect and caring they received when they where with me will never be forgotten . .
 
April 1, 2006, 6:41 pm CST

Idea for you

Quote From: melodys

Hello, My husband and I are parents of 8, but only two left at home, two sons, 16 & 19. Soon they will be gone. No we don't have empty nest...LOL..we truly know of a child who is adoptable but would like to adopt him. He is in foster care. He is 11, but are not quite sure how to go about it, and the finances of legal fees is a problem. Any ideas? 

  

If a child you know of is in foster care, contact your Cabinet for Families and Children, they should have a department for fostering and adoptions.  What you can do is meet with a worker and say you are interested in adopting so and so child, and would like to first become his foster parent.  You will then have to enroll in a foster parenting training course.  Here in KY it is a 10 week, 3 hr a week program that at the end you will become a certified foster parent.  Upon that, you could have the child come live with you if all is agreed upon with the worker and let it be known that you have an intent to adopt in the event that the parental rights are terminated.  Here in KY, you don't have to pay adoption legal fees if you are adopting through the Cabinet.  We adopted two children, and we were foster parents first.  The children were my husbands sister's two children and she was unable to care for them due to addiction.  That is what we did.  There is alot in between if the rights haven't been terminated, but the state has to keep by new federal laws Clinton put into place.  Used to, kids could linger in care for years, but now the states can impose a timeline of 15 or 18 months, ( I can't remember which) and then they can start the parental rights termination process.  That can take another year.  During this time, the biological parent has legal rights to visitaion with the child on a certain basis set by the courts and the cabinet. 

Foster care is not an easy situation.  Our situation was unique in that we knew the birth parents, being relatives, and we did not take any other children in, other that our relatives, although we did do respite (like babysitting) on occasion.   I know we babysat two little boys once who were so sweet, I could have kept them forever.  The littlest one told me I was a good mommy...out of a two year olds mouth.  It made me wonder what happend to them, and who could have ever been cruel to him,  but I'm not one to pry unless someone wants to tell me.   We watched another little girt, about seven, and while we were walking through the woods, she began telling me about awful things that had happend to her.  It is very sad, and some stories will be ones you don't want to hear, and don't want to think others can do to other people, least of all children.  And on first nights away from biological parents are hard for little ones.  Imagine, yourself, all of a sudden, having to live with strangers, in a strange house, and strange bed.  You don't know where the bathroom is, and you don't recognize the different sounds you hear at night.  It is very scary for children.     

And then there is the wait on the system.  There are the biological parents.  It can be stressful.  But if you persevere, and keep faith, it works out in the end.  Nothing happens for naught, and all meetings are not coincendence.  All things happen for a reason, to teach us, and to help us grow in spirit.   

 
April 1, 2006, 7:30 pm CST

A little help

Quote From: kbradley

I'm dealing with very same issues as your boys with my daughter who is now 14. She and her brother, now 16, have been with me for 5 1/2 years. My son is doing great now that he is in high school and in the JROTC. It's really turned him around for the good.

  

 

 

  

 

It's my daughter whom I'm having problems with now. She is in 8th grade and has really gone off the deep end. She was an honors student until this last semester where she couldn't maintain the required grades to stay in. She is hanging out with a derelict crowd, now considers herself bisexual and an Atheist, and has run away from home twice now (I found her after a couple of hours both times).

  

 

 

  

 

I can't figure out what is going on with her and why she thinks living here with me is so intolerable. She says I am too controlling, because I won't let her pierce her lip, dye her hair until her grades improve, limit her internet time to one hour a day after homework is done, and made her put me as a friend on her MySpace.com account so I could monitor her. Oh yeah, she also wants to go visit a "friend" for a week this summer that she met through MySpace. The nerve of me not letting her go! (she says sarcastically).

  

 

 

  

 

Currently, she is staying with her old foster mom for a couple of weeks, not as a foster kid, but as a visitor. (Karin, her old FM, is trying to help me out.) I believe my daughter is now smoking pot, as she referred to getting stoned on her MySpace account. (she doesn't realize how much I look at it to see what she is up to) I have contacted her case worker (I'm their legal guardian, and not the adoptive parent at this point) 3 times over the last 2 years about my daughter's progressively defiance, depression and threats of suicide. The case worker has now submitted paper work to the court to make Nikki a "youth at risk" where she now will have to be accountable to the judge.

  

 

 

  

 

At this point, I don't know if Nikki wants to come back and live with me or be put into a new home or group home. I fear she will let her stubbornness get the best of her and will decide to choose a group home over coming home to me. The guilt I feel is that I'm not sure if I want her to come back and I feel bad saying that. I believe that she also has reactive attachment disorder and have been reading articles on Borderline Personality Disorder and it TOTALLY describes Nikki.

  

 

 

  

 

You are right about the kids getting to make decisions about their future. I want Nikki to come back, but not if she is going to act the way she was. I need her to not run away and call me awful names. This affects the entire family, including her brother.

  

 

 

  

 

I'm not sure how this will all end for me, or for you, but I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone. You sound like you are very loving and have tried hard with these kids, like I have. It is really hard when you put so much love, time, and effort into these kids and they don't feel ANY attachment to you, or loyalty. It's hard, and I have found myself crying at night a lot these last couple of months. I'm a big believer in fate, so I'm hoping fate will steer Nikki, and myself, towards the right path.

  

 

 

  

 

Good luck. It's good to know that I'm not alone!

  

 

Krista 

My husband and I adopted as well through the state.  Our girl was two when she came to live with us, and our oldest son was seven.  Our difference is they are family of ours so we knew the whole situation of what all the kids had been through.  Derek had alot of issues because he was older and remembered more of what happend.  Derek had no discipline prior to living with us, which is one of the reasons he was taken.  His bio mom never took him to school, would leave him out till late at night etc.  Derek had a fantasy in his mind that everywhere was better than where he was in our home.  Well, things happend, and we had to request Derek be taken out of our home and put in a more intense therapy home.  When he was eight.  We remained in contact with his new foster parents and still visited him and he came to visit us.  While he lived with them, we all of the sudden became the "best parents ever" and they were the worst.  (They were really nice people).  We found the change in attitude amusing to say the least.  In another way, it relieved us, that they were having the same difficulties as we did with Derek, so that made us feel better about ourselves, thinking "good, it isn't just us.  Were not just bad parents."   Well, Derek had another situation in their home, and they had him moved to a boys home, this is when he was 9 and a half.  By this time they, "the psychologists"  were saying he had RAD, and PTSD, and ADHD tendencies (whatever that means).  Well, while Derek was there, the parental rights were finally terminated and we were looking at adopting Jess, Derek's sister.  My husband and I talking about bringing Derek back home and getting him out of the boy's home and letting him know things are PERMANENT.   So we did.  He had to complete a year of the therapy there, and we participated in family counseling with him, luckily we didn't have to pay for, b/c it wouldn't have seemed worth the money.  But anyway, Derek was glad to be out of there, he complained about it the whole time b/c he was always in trouble.   

Funny thing, Derek gets home and realized there are still consequences for bad behavior.  Uh oh wake up call.  All of a sudden, the boys home was a great place.  So we laid a little reality down for him.  It didn't matter what he thought of any other place or if he thought this is the worst place to exsist in the world.  He was stuck here for good.  We told him no where on God's green earth is there a place where there is no discipline for children and they are allowed to do what they want.  So we just told him sorry life sucks but it is what it is.   

Happy to say, Derek will be 15 this year and he is doing very well.  He still talks too much at school to his teachers dismay, but if that's all he is doing, then that's fine with me.   He contributes to the household work, and is a great help to my husband at doing remodeling work.   He is athletic, a great football player, and could be doing better in school, but he knows what he can get by with there.  He knows he won't get by with much here at home, since he has a mom who can read minds. ha ha.   

Never give up faith.  Kids will say things to make you feel guilty, and it is just another form of childhood manipulation.  You just let them know, this is your house and these are the rules and that's all there is to be said about it.   If they have a complaint, put it in writing and you will review it at a later time.  Ha ha they hate that.   

 
April 3, 2006, 6:03 pm CDT

cps is cruel

I am writing after reading thru alot of these posts.  I know that there are bad parents out there, but god if our generation of parents were to be questioned by the practices of CPS, we would have all been in foster care.  CPS is out there for money, period, they get paid a bounty for each child that they take.  Especially if they discover they have mental/health issues.  My fiance is going thru a very weird case here in the state of WA.  Right now he is in the process of getting his 13 yr old daughter back from foster care, while they are terminating his rights to his 2 yr old son, saying basically that he hasn't complied with services.  How is he able to get his daughter back but not his son.  They are saying he is a drug addict and alcoholic.  He has been sober for almost 7 years now, and never had a drug problem.  His ex ( the children's mother) on the other hand, has not complied with services AT ALL--t AND IS A DRUG ADDICT. They are lumping the 2 of them together.  How fair is this?  His 2 yr old has been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder---possibly because of CPS????  It is not his (the fathers) fault.  I just cannot fathom how America has turned this way.  Our ammendment rights are violated all the time and no one does anything about it.  check out fightcps.com if you don't believe me.
 
April 5, 2006, 6:17 am CDT

I hear ya!

Quote From: smarks

I am writing after reading thru alot of these posts.  I know that there are bad parents out there, but god if our generation of parents were to be questioned by the practices of CPS, we would have all been in foster care.  CPS is out there for money, period, they get paid a bounty for each child that they take.  Especially if they discover they have mental/health issues.  My fiance is going thru a very weird case here in the state of WA.  Right now he is in the process of getting his 13 yr old daughter back from foster care, while they are terminating his rights to his 2 yr old son, saying basically that he hasn't complied with services.  How is he able to get his daughter back but not his son.  They are saying he is a drug addict and alcoholic.  He has been sober for almost 7 years now, and never had a drug problem.  His ex ( the children's mother) on the other hand, has not complied with services AT ALL--t AND IS A DRUG ADDICT. They are lumping the 2 of them together.  How fair is this?  His 2 yr old has been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder---possibly because of CPS????  It is not his (the fathers) fault.  I just cannot fathom how America has turned this way.  Our ammendment rights are violated all the time and no one does anything about it.  check out fightcps.com if you don't believe me.
Amen to that! I am a frequent visitor of that website. In most situations, It is NOT about the childrens "well being", it is how much money can they get now. A police officer has to make a certain "quota" each day , the same for C.P.S. Lord help us all.
 
April 12, 2006, 12:48 pm CDT

Family Matters

I would love resources and any input anyone could help me with. My husband I have recently moved our niece in with us. She was involved in a lot of bad things and the "System" has never investigated the family. Anyways now I have a  16 year old who has lived an adult life and has a lot of struggles. I don't have legal guardianship so really my hands are tied as for as help I can give her.  She lives with us but since she has lived such a life,  trying to get her to obey our rules is like pulling blood from a turnip.  Pretty much her whole life she has been abandoned by her mother and father.  They are in and out of jail because of drugs and alcohol. Mom signed for child to drop out of school. Mom also would supply pain killers to help child cope.  Nice huh.  So Here my husband and I are with a child who is now sexually active, has lived in and out of homes because parents are never around, drugs like pain killers, pot, smokes. She has dropped out of school.  She has a better life here that My husband and I want to offer but she doesn't want it. She freaks and thinks we are molding her into something she doesn't want to be.  This family matter has so many issues. My husband and I are begging for help.  We don't know where to turn? 
 
April 17, 2006, 9:22 am CDT

They dont care ..

Quote From: smarks

I am writing after reading thru alot of these posts.  I know that there are bad parents out there, but god if our generation of parents were to be questioned by the practices of CPS, we would have all been in foster care.  CPS is out there for money, period, they get paid a bounty for each child that they take.  Especially if they discover they have mental/health issues.  My fiance is going thru a very weird case here in the state of WA.  Right now he is in the process of getting his 13 yr old daughter back from foster care, while they are terminating his rights to his 2 yr old son, saying basically that he hasn't complied with services.  How is he able to get his daughter back but not his son.  They are saying he is a drug addict and alcoholic.  He has been sober for almost 7 years now, and never had a drug problem.  His ex ( the children's mother) on the other hand, has not complied with services AT ALL--t AND IS A DRUG ADDICT. They are lumping the 2 of them together.  How fair is this?  His 2 yr old has been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder---possibly because of CPS????  It is not his (the fathers) fault.  I just cannot fathom how America has turned this way.  Our ammendment rights are violated all the time and no one does anything about it.  check out fightcps.com if you don't believe me.
  CPS, DSS, DHS, DCF, Whatever name they want to call themselves today ( I have been told by a supervisor the was a religious org)... The dont care about the child or the families, they care about the money and job security.. If 2 children happen to go home or be adopted then 4 more will take their place and that is fact.

  In the famous words of "Ex Supervisor" Wanda Rivers .. " If a child does go home, we will be back in 6 months to take the child backin our care" I say Ex Supervisor because when I threaten to sue she found another job real fast..

  I would like to know why Dr. Phil dont have a section on here for the abused children and parents of this "Crimes Against Humanity Government Branch" ?? I mean dont we matter too or is it just the so called loving foster parents that are in it for the money ??

 James C. Stein Sr.
 
April 25, 2006, 6:32 pm CDT

Foster Parenting!!!

I am a foster mom in Ketchikan,Ak and I agree with some things but the thing that hurts most is that you think I take these kids into my home because of the money.. I will be a foster mom each day of every year for nothing if it will keep kids safe and out of harms way.. I have had 11 special needs foster kids in the last 4 yrs and sure the 500.00 a month is helpful but I will do this job for free because the kids are #1 in my book.. Every child knows they are loved no matter what when they enter my home... I am wanting to adopt a child or sibling group but because of finances and travelling costs my inquiries keep getting shot down... Any advice any one wants to offer go ahead I am open for suggestions that will make our kids safe and loved by caring people... Passion4Kids
 
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