Great. haha (sarcasim) its pretty much the same way you described it. I do tend to pick apart my puggy stomach and my huge thighs more than i look at anything else as being fat. and im very obsessed with trying to make them thinner. Uhm, well usually I just cut myself... but i've burnt myself 2 times, and punched myself so hard that its resulted in major brusing.
And... about the sexual abuse thing, i've never told anyone this before, because im embarrassed by it. and when i say never told anyone... i mean anyone. including my parents, but when i was four my cousin told me we were going to play a new game... and being the fun loving four year old that i was I jumped with joy at the excietment of a new game. He told me that to play we both had to take all of our clothes off and get in bed together. =/ Then im sure you can imagine everything else that happened.
Trust me, i have no family member i can talk to. The only one i could talk to was my nana, and she passed away in June. And i mean, i could talk to my best friend, but i know how eating disorders and self mutilation pull people away from their friends, and i dont want that to happen. I need all the friends i can get. I guess i could talk to my youth pastor. maybe. if i could some how find the courage to.
You said that you think i need to go to a therapist who specializes in this type of issue, i would. but that would mean telling my parents. and this is my secert. its a secret that runs my life, but still its my secert. I cant tell them. They wouldnt understand. They dont understand anything i do. Plus, I really dont think we have the money to send me to a therapis. Besides. Although this is going to sound really really weird, Im terrified of therapists. =/ They just creep me out. They seem to calm and rational about everything. And they always want to know how your feeling. My phobia probably stems from the fact that i dont think anyone cares, and if you have to pay someone to listen to you... you know they dont really care. They are just pretending to listen and give advice so that they get their money. (which is probably totally inaccurate, butttttt its they way i think.)
I really dont think you want to know about my family life. Its not a good one. And it really pains me to talk about. But, I guess I'll let you know. i mean after all, its always easier to tell someone about your problems who you dont know! =D Well, lets see to start off with my biological father left me before i was born. He wanted nothing to do with me and because my mother refused abortion he left her and wished death upon me. i've since tried to contact him, and he told me to die and go to hell. then my adoptive father has had 5 affairs on my mother. yes... 5. with 5 different women. and hes mentally abusive. Hes not physically abusive, well he use to hit us when we did bad things, like spankings, but he hasnt for a few years. Hes at work all the time. but thats okay with me, considering he yells a lot and tells me he hates me and that im a screw up. then my mom. shes just dumb. she stays with my dad even after 5 affairs. the only real reason as to why i can think of is because she is disabled and cant work. so i do all the work around the house. i clean, i do dishes, i cook, i do laundry, and i watch my sister while she goes to gamble. every day... every single day... my mom and my dad fight. they threaten divorce everyday. last week my mom kicked my and when i got back from church that night, he was back in the house. oh thats another thing. im a very strong Christian and my parents are both athiest. which for some reason everyone finds soooo weird. so they are constently on my back about how stupid i am for believing there is a higher power and that he saved me and that one day im gonna go to heaven and live happily for eternity. oh, and if i ever do anything wrong im called things like b*tch and dumb @$$ and stuff like that. yea. my family life pretty much sucks.
