Topic : Anorexia

Hello, nice to meet you Ashley. You are very beautiful and I hope you will be able to use this board to help you through some of your tough times. I am fairly new here also, but I feel very welcomed here, so I hope you will too :)  

I can relate to your story. My bones are damaged and probably my heart too. Anorexia will do that to you. Hang in there though and remember we are all here for you 

Julie 

Hello Hannah. I just wanted to welcome you and wish you luck at your appt. on Tuesday. I wish I had some advice for you about what to do about your boyfriend. My ex boyfriend was not very understanding and pretty much always lectured me about how I should just be able to get better. Yeah......right, becuase it really happens like that. You are right, it is NOT a light switch and it is really hard to simply function with an eating disorder, let alone eat and do everything else we are expected to do. Anyways, welcome and good luck on Tuesday! 

Julie 

Thank you julie for your welcome and reply. This is the first time I have ever wrote on anything like this. Last night my boyfriend fussed at me for not eating. We got into this harsh fight over it. I feel bad b/c I know he cares for me and thats why he gets so ill about it all. I have been on antidepressants since I came out of the war. I stopped taking them for awhile but I now know I need to go back on them. However he doesn't understand why I need it. He makes the comment "why do you need that stuff when you have me" I try to explain that I can get very depressed and I need to watch myself. However he still doesn't understand.I am beginning to wonder does he understand me at all? how could he, I don't? I don't want to lose him over all this. My ED started when a Sergeant looked at me and told me that I needed to lose 6-10lbs in a week. I started losing and couldn't stop. My bf tells me I don't need to but its not that easy to switch off. I wish it were. Sometimes I wish it was like a light switch. 

I understand where you are coming from. My ex was horrible with those same kind of comments "why can't you just eat," "why can't you just get better," and blah blah blah. So yes, I totally understand how those comments like that do hurt. I know they only drove me deeper into my eating disorder. However, sometimes I doubted myself.......I would wonder why I coudln't just be happy and not worry about food.....sometimes I believed him (not a good situation). I know he didn't understand at all, and that really hurt me. I also know that, like you, I didn't/don't understand myself very well either. I'm learning though, and that's all we can do; little by little it becomes easier and we begin to understand ourselves more. I really wish it were a light switch also......I know I wouldn't be where I am at today if I could have just turned the switch off years ago. 

Julie 

I am really stuggling today. I promised myself I wouldn't purge today, but it is getting really hard. I am feeling way too much and it is really not good. I keep having flashbacks of a really scary time in my life and the way I normally escape them is through not eating, cutting, or purging. I have to eat now, because I am in treatment. I haven't cut in over 5 weeks and I am tired of the scars. And purging has gotten kind of out of control, so I promised myself I wouldnt' do it today. I am really scared. I am scared of failing at my goal, but more importantly I am scared of leaving the anorexia behind. I want to be better.....I really do, it's just that the anorexia does so much for me. It is my escape, it helps me deal with life, it makes life managable. I don't really know why I am posting, I just feel really bad right now and I am scared. I feel like fear controls my life. I am constantly afraid. I am really scared of being better; of not needing the anorexia. Does that make sense? I have been sick for 6 years; anorexia has been my life for 6 years and I don't know how to live without her. I still feel like a child. I am 19 and the anorexia began when I was 13, but before that I was OCD pretty bad with handwashing for a couple of years. Anorexia helped me deal with my OCD. I feel like a child desperately trying to cling to her anorexia, like a normal child would cling to her mother. Can anyone relate or have a gone off my rocker? I think I just need some support right now. Thank you all for listening. 

Julie