Topic : Anorexia

Hi Julie, 

Sorry i havent written in a bit.  This weekend I was very suicidal to the point that i had the pill bottles open and the water out ready to take them.  I however didnt swallow the pills or i wouldnt be typing now lol, i called my boyfriend and he wasnt much help so i took a few pills (more than i was supposed to ) and went to sleep for the night.  The next day my boyfriend realized how awful i was doing and wouldnt let me be alone in the house.  He kind of made me feel somewhat better being near him, and realizing that he loves me no matter what.  My boyfriend loves me unconditionally and is very good to me, BUT he really doesnt understand the emotional pain or the anorexia i suffer from.  He doesnt really try to either.  He tells me that he is here for me but that we really need to find someone to help me because he isnt capable of it..... which i completely understand.  Sometimes i get mad at him because i just wish that he could take it all away for me.. but i know that is unrealistic thinking.  He really doesnt understand about the food part and his answer is to make sure that i eat infront of him.  He takes me out to eat all the time now, but what he doesnt realize is .. is that i have started puking it up lol.  I have never done this before and all i can say is that i am so ashamed of myself.  I feel so dirty.  I guess like you I really am spiraling downwards and quickly.  But you know this is my CHOICE to DIE... and to be in pain both physically and emotoinally so i dont deserve help.. that and the fact that i dont have health insurance so im not entitled to proper care :S 

How are you doing?? I am saddened to hear that you are not doing well and that you are going to be leaving treatment.  I guess that I can sit here and tell you to stick with treatment and that you can do it and you can get better.. but then i would being totally hypocritical.  All I can say is that i know the pain you are going through and i know how hard it is for you, i truly hope that you can overcome this awful disease one day..... maybe there is hope for the two of us yet!  I was reading your other post, how did your last appointment go?   Did you have to get on the dreaded scale?  I find myself becoming more and more addicted to the scale.  I dont have a scale at my house but i am always sleeping over at my boyfriends house ( he lives with his parents) and they have a scale.  Whenever i am there i weigh  myself about three to four times a day, sometimes just twice in fifteen minutes hoping that the number will magically go down within fifteen minutes.  How unrealistic is that???  Alan (my boyfriend) hates that i weigh myself and has threatened to remove the scale from his house.   

I guess i am just writing to write now... nothing much going on here.... i am in better spirits than i  was this weekend, and today is valentines day so im a little happier than usual.  Alan bought me a huge teddy bear ( and chocolate that i didnt eat) lol.  He's so sweet.  (sometimes lol)  

Hope you are doing well, i have been praying for you and will continue to keep you in my prayers, let me know how you are doing !  

Amy  

why are you leaving group and therapy?  oh can't you see someone.  haa i am saying that to you and i am not seeing anyone.  yeah i would freak if i had to get on a scale.  i look at me and think dang you have gained waaaaaaayyyyy to much weight!!!  it is so easy to want to just not eat and think just for a little bit just one day or just a little bit of food.  instead i feel like i am such a pig with food but i am trying to stop that.  it just seems like so much of the time i just stay so hungry it is annoying.  i think about you a lot!!  i hope therapy goes well for you today and that something great happens.  hmmmmm well i will talk to you more later. 

Hi, thanks for the tip. I actually have carnation instant breakfast already but never thought of making it into a milk shake. Thats a great idea. Maybe I can dump a vanilla boost in it instead of milk LOL My moms friend yesterday for Valentines got me a 8 pack of Boost Plus which I luv the chocolate but the vanilla is to sweet Ihad to forse myself to drink it and Im sick of making myself eat or drink things cuz I have too but if I made that in the blender with a chocolate carnation drink I think I could deal with that :-) Thanks again :-) 

You guys are all so helpful and wonderful in here and if theres anything I can ever do for anyone please just let me know. Take  care all. 

                                                                            Sarah 

Hi Amy, Julie, Sarah and all those others that have been posting over the last few days, 

In Australia we just watched the first show of season 4, which amongst other things discussed both anorexia and bulimia. I don't know if this is the show that people are responding to or if that is yet to air in Australia. Anyway, watching the show prompted me to come and check out the website/message boards again. About 4 years ago I was diagnosed with anorexia and as you guys all know have struggled with it each day since. At the moment I am doing really well with eating and my weight, though from on the depression side I'm still a long way from recovered. I still have issues with my body image and weight (I have put on 20kg in the last 12 months and this is really hard to deal with - though recently lost about 5 of those through healthy eating and exercise) and my depression is at a stage where it is controllable. Some days I don't even think about it which is a far cry from the constant every minute of every day obsession it was 12 months ago.  

Although I am not fully recovered and I certainly don't have anywhere near all the answers, I would like to offer my support and friendship to anyone needing help at the moment. All your posts have touched my heart  ( I found one from a fellow aussie - the language tipped me off straight away - but can't seem to find it again) and I know how bad it is when it's really bad and you hate yourself and your life and you just don't want to live.  

I also want to offer you hope, and although I know I'm not cured and this is something I need to deal with everyday, but it can get better, and life can become bearable even sometimes enjoyable. 

So I'll be thinking of you all and praying for you and if any of you want to talk about anything I'd love to listen on the board or email with you. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this, 

Karen 

Hi anna,  

I am in a similar situation. I am recovering from anorexia and have been a healthy weight for about 12 months now, but still have poor self esteem and and poor body image. I would like to get into shape an have a body that I like but I do not want to head down that downward spiral of not eating again combined with severe depression. At the moment, the way I'm dealing with it is to try and eat really healthly, not diet or have low fat food or anything, but to eat 5 times a day and try and have a good range of foods (including fruit smoothies whih is always good when your struggling). I have found that this keeps my energy up and increases my metabolism. I am also just walking 5 times a week (to work) and then I would suggest if you can find a friend (who you can keep you accountable - even if they don't know your situation) to do some really enjoyable exerise with - like a fun class at the gym or recreational sport - something that relaxes you and you're not pushing yourself in but enjoying the benefits of the exercise (especially reduced anxiety and depression). And if you don't have anyone to go with try and go to the same class/activity each week and meet the regulars. 

I have the same fears as you as i want to lose weight but I certainly don't want to become severely anorexic again  

Hope this helps - if you want more ideas for exercise etc. I am an exercise physiologist andwould be happy to help you out. 

Thinking of you and hope you're doing well, 

Karen 

Hello Amy! Wow, it sure sounds like had a hard weekend. Let me first say how sorry I am that things are so difficult for you right now. No one deserves to suffer in teh ways that you are suffering. I know how hard it gets, I know how bad it hurts, I know the God-awful pain you must be in. Being suicidal is a really scary thing because I also know when you get in that mode of hopelessness nothing seems like it will ever be better and it all gets so overwhelming and scary. I am so sorry things have been so horrible lately. I pray they get better for you........just hold on, like I said, I know, so please hold on. 

I'm also sorry I haven't written back in a while. I was at school till really late last night and I worked all day today, so this is the first time I have gotten to the computer! Thanks for asking how I am doing..........it means a lot to me to know that people care :-) 

I am doing all right. I think I have decided to stay in treatment for a little longer at least. I will have to pay for it entirely out of my pocket though, which is going to be a big stressor. Yesterday I went to see my doctor. That was probably the worst visit I ever had with her. I have been restricting a lot lately, right, and she said if I don't start following my meal plan she will not let me be seen there anymore. So I said "well then you know what will happen, I will just go off and die." I was also asked if I had given up hope.......I didn't know how to answer and then she said something to the extent of "if you dont' care about your recovery why should I?" That HURT so bad! This place is my last hope, my only hope and for her to basically tell me she didn't care really hurt! But I guess she also told me some good things, hard truth, but truth hurts I guess. She said that I am responsible for what happens to me. I am the only one who can make the pain stop. I guess I can't blame my actions on having a disease anymore. I am confused though. I thought anorexia was a disease (I KNOW anorexia is a disease!) but then how can I be expected to control my behavior? Wait, I think I know...........I can control my behavior but I cannot control the fact taht I developed and have anorexia (and I'm convinced I will always have it). Maybe that's it. Maybe it's time I took responsibility for my own actions...............but it's ssssssssssooooooooo hard!!!!!!!! It hurts so badly and I just want it to all go away. I dont' want to fight anymore and get so tired of fighting. I think I'm rambling, I really hope I made sense up there.  

How are you doing, Amy? Has life been treating you any better hun? I hope it is. I have been thinking about you lately and I hope you are doing well :-) 

Julie 

Hello Karen. I just wanted to write you a little thank you for posting on here and sharing your story and support. It means a lot to me to know that I am not alone. It is always so encouraging to know that there are others out there who are fighting this and winning. I hope you keep fighting and know that you are welcome to post here any time because we all appreciate hearing words of support. Yesterday was one of the worst days ever for me, and then to come on here and read this today was very encouraging. Thanks.  

Julie 

From Addicitive Personalities by Craig Nakken 

Addict: "Bring me your pain, I will give you relief." 

Translation:  Give mem your pain, I'll give you an illusion of relief." 

Addict:  "I will set you free." 

Translation:  "I will come to own you." 

Addict:  "Spend time with me, you can trust me you can't trust anyone else." 

Translation:  Spend time with me I will teach you to be mistrustful to others." 

Addict: "I will teach you a way that you won't have to face issues." 

Translation: "You can hide temperarly but the issue won't go away." 

After I read that I prayed and asked God what do you say about it God what would it be if i did Translation and then The word of God.  Here is how it looks.  oh yeah and translation is satan speaking. 

Translation/satan:  "Give me your pain I'll give you an illusion of relief."   

God:  "I heal the heartbroken and bandage their wounds."  Psalms 147:3 

Translation/satan:  I will come to own you. 

God:  "I am close to the broken hearted; I rescues those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalms 34:18 

Translations/satan:  "Spend time with me I will teach you to be mistrustful of others." 

God:  "Do not let your heart be troubled trust in me (God)."  (can't remember where sorry) 

Translation/satan:  "You can hide temporarly, but the issue won't go way." 

God:  "I am a safe place to hide, ready to help when you need me.  You stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in seastorm and earthquake, before the rush and roar of the sea and the tremors that shift the mountians."  Psalms 46:1-3 

I made it more personall instead of puting God I used I and well yeah liike that. 

Now you know that God is Love ok so I am going to write this scripture and instead of using the word love i am going to put God 

"God is patient, God is kind....He does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud.  He is not rude, He is not self seeking.  He is not easily angered, He keeps no record of wrong.  God does not delieght in evil but rejoices with the truth.  He always protects, always trust, always hopes and always perseveres.  God never fails."  1 Cor 13:4-the first part of 8 and now verse 13 "And now these three things remain: faith, hope and God.  But the greatest of these is God!!!"  

Remember God is love so i have replaced it with He and Love with God.   

There is so much truth there and what is truth God is truth He said it so There is so much God!!!!   

anyway i am suppose to have my quite time/spend alone time with God in His word and in prayer.  cya later!!!!  remember I am praying for you and God is with you!!!   

hugs and much love!! 

You can do it!!!! 

When God lives in us and we say I can't do it your right but the God in you can!!!!  When we are our weakest we are at our strongest because God is strength through us!!!  Let God be your strength!!! 

Hi Julie,  

Hope you had a better day today! Thinking of you! 

Karen