I'm 15, and within the last year and a half I have lost over 50 pounds. I never actually composed a diet, or a weight loss plan. I instead began to shun away food little by little. Although it sounds unprobable, I went from a size 16 to a size 7 without any notice from anyone. My parents, friends, and family never really noticed that I had lost any weight at all, and hadn't seen that I was changing any habits. It wasn't until a few weeks ago when I found a picture of myself which was taken in December 2003, and I showed it to my mother that anyone mentioned an eating disorder.
After seeing the photo, my parents were actually left stupified, and they wanted to know how I ended up losing so much weight without anyone noticing. After the initial shock, accusations of anorexia were everywhere. My parents openly accuse me of having an eating disorder now that they notice my weight loss. Perhaps the reason I first began to alter my diet, and never stopped was because I was waiting for a response, or some approval in my body. I never, anticipated such strong believe on the behalf of my parents, indicating that I indeed have an eating disorder. However, I don't thing that I do. I know that with anorexia, as with many mental illnesses, rejection and denial are common. I still believe that I am over weight and unnattractive, and I do limit my food, but I don't think that it is anorexia. My lack of desire to eat has become more of a subconcience action rather than a strategic weight loss plan. I rarely have an appetite, and most of the times when I eat, I do so soley for the purpose of satisfying my parents, or I will eat because I feel like I need to, not because I'm hungry, but because I haven't yet in the day.
I exhibit nearly all symptoms of anorexia. I am depressed and withdrawn most of the time. Lunch is dreaded, and I find myself avoiding the cafeteria at all costs. True, some days I do eat my lunch, but many days I purchase lunch, only to throw or give most of it away, sparing an apple or a box of juice to keep me occupied for the moment.
I lack energy, and bruise easily now. My mother believes that those are both because of poor eating habits. I once agreed that I would be willing to see a doctor, as well as a dietician in an attempt to get my habit corrected and rerouted on a healthier plan, however my mother has never carried through with that, and the idea has been dropped.
What I don't thoroughly understand though, is whether I truly have an eating disorder, or if it is only me believing everything that my parents are suggesting. Many of their suggestions contradict theirselfs. For instance, both my mother and stepfather (whom I live with) are obese. Sometimes I wonder if they think I have an eating disorder only because I don't eat as much as they do. On the other hand, my father, who I shall add is none to slim, used to tell me that I needed to lose excess weight. With the different opinions from everyone around me, it is difficult for me to form my own opinions as to what is healthy, what looks right, and who is and isn't satisfied with my body. I for one, am not satisfied with myself, but again that is largely due to the pressure from those around me.
At this point, I do not know what to do. I have a fear of psychiatrists ever since a previous experience with one due to an unrelated issue, so speaking to a guidance counselor via school is out of the question. I also still deny much of the eating disorder accusations, and prefer to label them more as acceptance issues, or my willingness to impress those around me. I know I should be my biggest critic, but parents withouth a doubt, influence my life as well. How should I cope with this, and how should I go about diagnosing this either way?
For reference, I have included two pictures. Excuse the poor quality, but you can still get the point. To the right was me in December 2003, and to the left is October 2005. I have obvioulsy lost much weight, but does extreme weight loss automatically deem one as anorexic? If anyone would be willing to shed some insight, or clarity on the issue, as well as advise me of what to do next, I'd be very greatful. I've read some of the dramatic stories on this post, and on other references. Although I'm not sure of many things in my life, I know right now that I am quite positive that I don't want to end up in situations like some of the other people I have heard about.
~Oh Its Her
