Topic : Anorexia

Wow, it sounds like we have ssooo much in common! My original major in college was nursing! After I had been IP I decided I wanted to be one of the nurses that would be able to comfort the people in the ED unit! I was like "since I understand, I will really be able to help." I'm sure we all had nurses who just seemed like they understood and I know that made all the difference to me. I remember crying during and after meals, and some nurses would comfort me and others would be so uncomfortable and not know what to do. Oh yes, back to where I was going with this......I switched my major to psychology for a couple of reasons. I am germ phobic (slight OCD), and I think I could help people more with being a therapist (I dont' really know though, it was mainly the germ reason). I think nurses make all the difference in an IP stay though. So yeah, I'm confused!  

I didn't meet my goal for yesterday. Almost, but no. I went to church with a friend in the morning, so I figured I could manage to not purge in the morning (my usual time of day) but when I got to church I got so anxious and I asked where the bathroom was and went in there and did it. I was really ashamed, but today so far so good. It's past breakfast and I still haven't done it! I have therapy later today and it doesn't really accomplish much when I purge before I go there because then I am kind of numb and dont' really get much work done. I am comforting myself by saying how I can purge tomorrow though :(  

I know exactly what you mean about being scared to recover! Oh my goodness, do I ever! It's like the anorexia is my best friend and without it what am I? Who am I without anorexia? How will I deal with life without AN? I am lonely without the eating disorder and I AM SCARED TO LEAVE IT BEHIND! I am so scared it's not even funny. It's like I get overwhelmed by fear sometimes and then I feel so hopeless. Does that ever happen to you? Like sometimes just the thought of food will just overwhelm me and knowing that I have to eat. Are you currently in any type of treatment? I am. I see a therapist and doctor. Anyways, I think I have made this long enough. But I want to know how everyone is doing though! If you are reading this and are scared of writing on here, please know that it is OK to post! We are all here for you!  

Julie  

I was so happy when I saw that u both answered my posted message its great to hear from people struggling with the same problems because my friends from school just don't get it they don't understand my obsession to be skinny .and to answer your question Ashley yes I do has a counselor and my parents are awair mom and my dad went through allot with my brother though hes 16 and had some drug problems anyway he ended up in military academy for a 1 to make a long story short.so my parents really dont want to have to deal with me they pretend like it got better over night.One day I was thinking seriously about making my self be sick but I was SO scare to do it I dont know why.But anyways I walked out of a the bathroom ( looking upset I guess and this guy asked me  if i was OK I just stared at him so he said come with me I did and he brought me into the school concealers office I let out everything .Now I wish I hadn't said I word my parents even though they pretend to ignore it they still force me to eat meals but  it hurts SO bad and every time i eat I feel SO FAT I hate it SO much and wish I never told that lady because the minute I left that of five she called my parents.When i got home that nigh my mom was crying and asking My why I didn't Tell her and you know what my dad said he said"Katie i think you are just very tierd lately,you need to get some rest nd then start eating properly and this will all go away"well i was SO pissed after he said that not because he want upset or because he didn't believe me it made me mad because I knew he was trying to not  make it into a big deal because he doesn't want to  have to deal with it .My dad and I fight constantly over not eating he tells me I ma drama queen and that I m being ridiculous.It made me SO mad when he says stuff like that tome I just wanna go die.ATo me I don't feel like I am  true anorexia because i still eat something but then again this hasn't been going on for very long so i suppose it could get worse.Like today I had a glass of mike 3 french fries and a coffee and then just now i had dinner chicken and rice I barley ate any of ti though .See if someone looked at that if they were normal they would think probably holly crap thats not allot but for me thats the most i v had in a long time . I m  little concerned i haven't got my womanly thing in almost three months did this happen to you all well?by the way my dad just walked in and asked me what i was doing he clicked on it and I told him not to read it and then he ask me if it was about the eating thing I said yes and then he said that he was always here for me. he said "i dont want u to get to the pint that you too skinny" and believe it or not I want o be what people think is too skinny but to me its great I wanna be like 95 pounds I feel huge .I wanna be tiny and when guy hold onto me they think wow shes SO tiny I really want people to say you are too skinny even though they mean you look great.I just cant take this anymore tomorrow I m not eating anything I need to loose weight oh my god I cant stop crying................ 

  

well i just read over, the last message I posted and it doesnt make alot of sence but to clear things up a bit yes I have a counseler and yes my parent know but they dotn really wanna have to deal with it and basicaaly I hate eating sooo yep anyways thansk so much for your support love katie xoxox  

ashley I was wondering how tall you are and how much you weight ?your very pretty by the way! 

Hey!!!  Wow!!!  I never realized we were so much alike.  I am also a germaphobe with OCD.  Thats so funny how we are so much alike!!!  Awe....that sucks that you didn't meat your goal, but there are better days, you know?  Part of the ED is the set backs.  Awe....you don't have to purge tomorrow, though.  Is there anything you can do so you won't feel the need to?  Like, what keeps you busy and what keeps your mind off of things?  Like, get lost in knitting or writing or something.  I feel better when I go online.  It keeps my mind off of food.  Or, cleaning!!!  That def keeps me busy.  Yes, I know how you feel about ana.  It acts as a best friend to us.  But we just have to keep in mind that this disorder is a "trick" and it is really not all the glamorous.  Like, I though I would always be thin and perfect (which equals happy)....but thats not the case.  I am not happy and I struggle every day with the thought of food and weight.   But I also at hte same time think of ana as my best friend....because I am so lonely at times.  I can't imagine my life without it....but I do have times where I wish I didn't struggle with it anymore.  I am also addicted (and I am sure you are, too).  That is probably the hardest part about this ED.  Food rules my life.  And, yes, I am in treatment now.  I am seeing a doctor and a therapist for now.  I used to see a therapist, nutritionist, doctor, ED specialist, etc.  But I stopped seeing them all so I have only these 2 people helping me to survive.  I am about to get a cardiologist, though.  My EKGs aren't that great.  Well, I guess I'll chat with ya later!!  And me, too.  ANYONE WHO IS READING THIS, I WANNA KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING AT THE MOMENT!!!  PLEASE POST AND WE MISS YA.  xoxo!  ~Ashley

Hey sweetie. First of all, let me say I am sorry things are so rough for you right now. I completely understand where you are comnig from. You sound like me 6 years ago. Really truly, you do. Probably the biggest misconception about anorexia is that people with anorexia don't eat. We DO eat actually. We just have rules and are obsessed with what and how much we eat. I never worried so much about what I ate as long as the calories weren't too many. Like I would even eat ice cream on occasion. So I don't want you thinking you are not anorexic because you do eat. Trust me, we all eat. If we didn't none of us would have an eating disorder for longer than a few months (because we would all be dead!). I am no doctor, but you really do sound like you have a "true" eating disorder. I know the feelings you are having; that almost manic/panicy feeling of having to lose weight becuase you cannot stand the flesh any longer.  I know that one well my dear. It is horrible and I am sorry you are experiencing it right now. Thank you for sharing your story. I really cannot believe how much you sound like I did when I was your age. It is kind of freaky! I just hope and wish you will be able to ask for help and realize that this is not something that you want or need. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR EATING DISORDER! Anyways, keep keeping us posted girl! 

Julie 

WOW!!! Crazy stuff! You know I think almost all people with eating disorders are alike......during my treatments all of us girls seemed to be alike too! Isn't that funny. Ahh, the joys of OCD. I remember it totally ruling my life before and part of the reason my anorexia developed was to deal with the OCD........and part of the reason I was/am so scared to let it go is because I don't want the OCD to come back (that was more of a reason when I was younger though).  

You are a very wise 15 year old. I am sure glad you have the insight that you do. You are very wise. Anorexia is so draining. I had therapy today, and now I am just so drained. Food and my eating disorder also rule my life.  

You know what's sad. Part of me doesn't want to give up purging. Part of me loves it and the feelings that come from it. It makes it really hard to stop when part of you LOVES it. I feel such a release after I purge and that is addicting. Yes, I am definitely addicted. I feel like a drug addict sometimes. I mean I know that purging/anorexia is bad for me, but I keep coming back for more. I didn't purge today though! I am happy about that, but also scared. It's weird, when I don't purge I feel like "ok now I don't  have an eating disorder so why am I in treatment?" Is that weird? Like if I am not doing a behavior I don't think I deserve to be in treatment. My stomach hurts now though from not purging and I HATE it! Oh and Katie, if you're reading this, please don't start purging. It is a vicious/dangerous cycle that is SSOOO hard to stop! Thanks for responding so soon, Ashley! I appreciate it! 

Julie 

  

PS. I sure hope your heart is ok!!! Anorexia is SO dangerous!  

OMG!  Hey Katie!!!  I am glad that you fought the throwing up part....that is a whole lot harder to change (especially in combination with anorexia).  But I think that it is wrong for your parents to make you eat.  It is a proven fact that it only makes the ED worse.  My parents used to do that, but with a little bit of family therapy and listening to my therapist, the backed off.  It is really not a healthy approach.  I think that is normal for parents to deny the problem at first becasue they are scared and they don't want to believe that their child is struggling with something so big.  I think they will realize, in time, the seriousness of your eating disorder.  Do you ever talk to your therapist about having family therapy?  That, I think would help in your case (it sure did help me for a little while).  Or maybe your parents can go to a support group....for family of ED sufferers.  But I it when people deny the importance of the problem....it bugs me, too!!!  I think your dad needs to realize that saying the problem is not an issue and you are just being a "drama queen" will push you further to starve yourself.  And Julie was right, anorexics DO eat....she couldn't have explained it better!  There is still a problem.  What does your therapist say about it?  Has she diagnosed you with anything yet?  It sounds to me that you are struggling with anorexia, but you are right....it can and will get worse if you don't start treating it.  Yea, I haven't gotten my preiod in about a year now (but I got spotting like 5 months ago).  According to the diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa, one of the criteria you have to meet is not getting your period for at least 3 months streight....so I think its safe to say that you are anorexic and you DO have a problem.  I am not trying to insult you, I am just showing you what your parents are not.  I always thought I wanted to be too skinny, but when you have an ED, too skinny isn't even skinny enough.  I have been to 95 pounds....I have also been to 78 pounds (my lowest point) and people just said I looked sick.  I wasn't happy either and I still wanted to loose weight.  But, hunnie, please!!!  Eat a little something tomorrow and its OK to cry.  We are always here for you and I hope you continue to post here with us!!  Hang in there, ok?  I know you can do it.  You are a beautiful person on the inside, and thats all that really matters in the end....I mean we will all be old and wrinkled one day anyways!  Hope to hear from you again.  xoxo! ~Ashley

Well today was my appt. and of course I missed it. In a way I am kind of happy that I missed it but then again I am kind of frustrated. I have found myself so depressed lately? one moment I can be okay and then the next I am crying constantly. Anyone else have this problem. I really do dread the holidays. I don't know how to gt myself through it. Any ideas? I really don't want to be around anyone but my boyfriend wants to go to several places. Last night I freaked him out b/c I just started crying on the phone. I stopped my Antideppressant about 1 1/2 month ago. My BF seems to think I don't need any medication. But after my crying spells here lately I think I do. I just don't believe he understands. Sometimes I think about just running and leaving and going to where no one know my name.

Oh my goodness, I do that too.One minute I'm fine, but the next I am in tears. I guess I am glad you missed your appt today. I remember you said you usually went to the hospital after one of those and I am glad you are still here! But I hope you are ok also. Sometimes the hosptial is right where we need to be. I am sorry your boyfriend is so difficult to handle right now. I know those situations well, lol.  

Hmm, advice for surviving the holidays. I sure wish I had some that I could use myself too! The holidays are usually when my relapses happen. So needless to say, I am worried everything will get really out of hand too. I find it really hard to be around so many people, because then I know I have to have my "happy face" on and that is so exhausting. I would much rather just curl up in a ball and hide under my blankets and CRY! My only advice I can give you is don't run away, please. We would all miss you very much. I know the feeling of just wanting the pain to stop, but I've found that no matter where you go your pain still follows. You can never escape you..........even though that is the person I want to escape most of the time. I get so tired of fighting too. I understand. Well, good luck with the rest of the day and I hope your day is a little brighter than it has been in the past. 

Julie 

I'd have to agree with Tan44. I really don't want you to take it the wrong way, but I personally would give the world to be able to eat as much as I want and weigh so little! Never to have to worry about gaining weight, etc. I have been struggling with the disease for so long now. I have had to go in the hospital for two and a half months over the summer for treatment and I am going to have to go back. It is hell being forced to eat. It's something so basic in life and yet the hardest thing in the world for people with anorexia. I have to admit that hearing your problem about wanting to gain weight was very triggering. I hope that you can find the right place and support for your problem. It is a problem. Have you thought about talking to your doctor? I am certain that he/she will have some suggestions for you. Don't forget that if you build muscle, you will look healthier, weigh more since muscle weighs more then fat and people will probably start to "lay off" you and the fact that you are skinny. 

  

Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for.