Topic : Anorexia

Well the good news is that I am not pregnant. Thank God! But the bad news is my doctor is referring me for an MRI because some tests came back saying I have Multiple Sclerosis. If it's not one thing it is another. I am only 24. She is also referring me for an endoscopy cause I have trouble/difficulty swallowing food now. I would say I am more bulimic than anorexic, but who knows. I am all over the place when it comes to eating disorders. I hurt so bad this morning when I woke up to go workout that I couldnt get up. Normally I force myself to go workout no matter how badly I feel, but today the pain was so bad I laid there crying. I feel like a failure. I eat when I should be starving. I hurt too much to workout three times a day so I do only one or two. I think I am at my worse. I have never been this sick.
You know in the movie Titanic when all the people are dying in the water cause it is so cold? They just float into an eternal slumber and all the pain and suffering goes away. I wish I could do that. I wish I could float into an eternal slumber away from all the pain.

I am so MAD!!!!!!!!! I have been so good on refusing food, I have been most of the day with only 150 calories and I go mess it up! I went with my husband to the bank to sign the papers to finalize the loan to pay off our credit cards and lower our bills, and he was starving and what did I do??? I ate a stupid hamburger and 8 french fries!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to go throw it up so bad or drink a whole cup of laxies to rid my body of that garbage!! I was in a great mood, feeling euphoric and then I mess it up by eating, I am just disgusted with myself, I am not a good person and did NOT deserve that food!  I want to cry so bad!!! I know I am getting sicker and sicker, my chest hurts all the time now days, I am never sure if the next day will be the day I have a heart attack from all that I do to myself :( but yet I can't stop, and right now I am disgusted with myself as a person that I don't want to stop, I have to punish myself for being a bad person, and yet I pray that someone will come and help me escape this nightmare I am trapped in.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) I hope all turns out ok for you, Please take care hun!! I am sorry you are in so much pain, I know that pain I feel that same pain day after day,. hopes and prayers for all who have eating disorders that we all can be rescued.

I had a meeting at my job yesterday. I work at a gym. And my boss said she was hiring this new girl to come work with us. We of course are all fine with that. But then she added that she was going to make this girl our asst. manger. She has no experience, does the same kind of work I do (as far as my other job) and knows nothing about the gym, healthy living, or the body. But she wants to learn it and wants to go back to school for health science my boss said. HELLO!!!!!! That is my major! My boss looked at me and told me that this girl has lost 40 lbs. recently and wants to lose more, unlike me. I'm not going to write all of what was said on here, but she basically is giving her the asst. manager position because she is thinner than me. I have been there for a year and gave up an entire summer to help them out and did not get paid for it. I worked my ass off there and this is how she thanks me. I went home crying after she made me feel like I was the fattest girl in the world. I guess my theory of only thin girls are loved and respected is true. I have been non stop purging since yesterday. I have to be thinner. It seems like being a size 0 is not small enough now. I have to be smaller.

I am sorry that you feel that way. I know the feeling. I hope things get better for you.

Hi, I am new and I was wondering if there is anyone out there feeling as lost as I do right now in their quest for treatment.  I live in a small town - and the only therapist that is willing to take me under her wing has been treating me for 5 years now.  I go see her every 2 months because she has such a heavy patient load, but other than that I don't have any other options for help.  I am married, but our finances are stressed to the limit and insurance will not cover any out of state treatment, or hospitalizations -- and nothing is available within my state.  I have tried books, online support groups, spiritual counseling.....I'm getting to a point to where I am thinking that perhaps I have done this behavior too long to change even if I desperately want to.  I feel as though I am treading water in the center of the ocean right now.  If anyone has any advise or words of wisdom, I could really use them!  Thanks!

Pirouette1- Hi, I just wanted to let you know that while I'm not gonna say that I know how you feel, as it would be ignorant to do so, I can tell you that I have been in a place where I felt stuck.  I truely believe that a support system is most important in recovery, and I wanted to let you know that I'm here for you.  I'm a former anorexic-bulimic, who still struggles from time to time, but I'm in a better place then I was almost two years ago.  Take Care. -NewLeaf85

I'm 17 and have suffered from EDNOS for the past three years. I'm 5'8 and my highest weight was 175lbs.. I was absolutely miserable and gradually dropped the weight - to just under 140lbs.. I wasn't aware at the time but looking bad I definately met most of the criteria for anorexia.. because I am not 15% underweight or have stopped menstruating - I cannot be labelled anorexic.  

  

What I want people to know is that people who aren't severely underweight can suffer from an eating disorder too. I am what is considered a 'healthy' and 'average' weight but this sickens me. I don't take any pride in having lost nearly 40 pounds. Nothing is good enough.. I strive for perfection through calorie control and exercise. I abuse diet pills and laxatives yet I do not get thin enough... 

  

There should be more resources for people like me. People who go unnoticed because we aren't emaciated. 

Hello, I'm 13 years old. 5'4 1/2 and I weight 89 pounds soaking wet. I don't starve myself and I'm not anerorexic but I'm afraid I'll become anerorexic. I'm comfortable at 85 pounds which is odd to say. I've been that weight for the pat 2 years although I've grown about 6 in. I'm not silly and I don't want to become anerorexic because I know what can happen. My friends make fun of me because of my weight seeing how some boy who's about 4 feet tall and in my grade weighs just 10 pounds less than me. He's told me. People have also come up to me and told me how skinny I am and that I need to eat. Which I do, just not the healthiest. I'm afraid to tell my mother even though I think she knows something's up when I don't eat a lot. I don't know what to do. I eat until I'm satisfied but normally all I eat are junk foods and things.  

Also, can stress cause eating disorders because I also don't eat a lot when I'm stressed. I'm just incredibly scared that I'll develop an eating disorder and die. I don't want to die, personaly. Please help me. 

I just want to send you (((((HUGS))))))))))).. I was in exactly your position when i got sick with my ED. I spent a long time being really frustrated with being told I was sick but thinking I looked fine. It does get better. I am finally recovered/ recovering. You are absoultely right though my wieght never dropped to "anorexia" but I had numerous health issues and was hospitalized three times. When I was my sickest, I was normal to above average in weight. So, if any of you are struggling, please know that your weight is not necessarily a measure of health. You can still be at risk for a heart attack, osteoporsis, electrolyte imbalances even if your weight is normal. I encourage you to get help, find a Therapist or nutritionist that is familar with EDs. If they are worth their degree they will look at more than your weight. Hang in there and know that you are not alone in your experience  

  

kassie