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February 17, 2006, 8:10 am PST

Anorexia

Quote From: gymonodi10

Hi Amy, Julie, Sarah and all those others that have been posting over the last few days,

In Australia we just watched the first show of season 4, which amongst other things discussed both anorexia and bulimia. I don't know if this is the show that people are responding to or if that is yet to air in Australia. Anyway, watching the show prompted me to come and check out the website/message boards again. About 4 years ago I was diagnosed with anorexia and as you guys all know have struggled with it each day since. At the moment I am doing really well with eating and my weight, though from on the depression side I'm still a long way from recovered. I still have issues with my body image and weight (I have put on 20kg in the last 12 months and this is really hard to deal with - though recently lost about 5 of those through healthy eating and exercise) and my depression is at a stage where it is controllable. Some days I don't even think about it which is a far cry from the constant every minute of every day obsession it was 12 months ago.

Although I am not fully recovered and I certainly don't have anywhere near all the answers, I would like to offer my support and friendship to anyone needing help at the moment. All your posts have touched my heart ( I found one from a fellow aussie - the language tipped me off straight away - but can't seem to find it again) and I know how bad it is when it's really bad and you hate yourself and your life and you just don't want to live.

I also want to offer you hope, and although I know I'm not cured and this is something I need to deal with everyday, but it can get better, and life can become bearable even sometimes enjoyable.

So I'll be thinking of you all and praying for you and if any of you want to talk about anything I'd love to listen on the board or email with you.

Thanks for taking the time to read this,

Karen

girl I have hated myself all my life and no it is not a good thing but just think when we make it to the other side where we can love ourselves how much stronger we will be!!!! I know it probabley doesn't sound that way and it is really scary but surely there has to be a day when you can say, "Karen you know your not so bad, I kind of like you." and then if only it can grow and grow. When you do the things that make you say i want to be this person know that is the real you it is not the eating disorder talking for you. we have to learn to do the talking and not the eating disorder and man is it hard!!! haaaaaa man is it hard!! so going into full recovery that is something we need to learn to do. it stinks that recovery has to hurt so bad like last night i cried for like 30-45 minutes until i finally fell asleep........ i hate to cry but i don't know what else to do well i guess i don't hate it i am just so scared of crying....... do you ever wonder do i really deserve to cry? i know my whole life i have never really cried but now i cry a lot and sometimes i have no idea why i am crying but i do know that inside i hurt so so so bad!!!

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gymonodi10

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hopeful

February 18, 2006, 5:54 am PST

Anorexia

Quote From: hisjewel

girl I have hated myself all my life and no it is not a good thing but just think when we make it to the other side where we can love ourselves how much stronger we will be!!!! I know it probabley doesn't sound that way and it is really scary but surely there has to be a day when you can say, "Karen you know your not so bad, I kind of like you." and then if only it can grow and grow. When you do the things that make you say i want to be this person know that is the real you it is not the eating disorder talking for you. we have to learn to do the talking and not the eating disorder and man is it hard!!! haaaaaa man is it hard!! so going into full recovery that is something we need to learn to do. it stinks that recovery has to hurt so bad like last night i cried for like 30-45 minutes until i finally fell asleep........ i hate to cry but i don't know what else to do well i guess i don't hate it i am just so scared of crying....... do you ever wonder do i really deserve to cry? i know my whole life i have never really cried but now i cry a lot and sometimes i have no idea why i am crying but i do know that inside i hurt so so so bad!!!

hey, how's it going? I can't tell you how many nights I have cried myself to sleep over the past few years. I, like you, never really cried much till I developed depression and then I cried so often (usually over nothing serious - just something that would get me stressed) and couldn't stop myself from crying. Last year I spent 3 months in Africa and I learned so much about myself and my inner strength that I have. I also some days even liked myself which when you have hated yourself for so long is so weird. I think spending time with heaps of new people who don't know about your past or your disorder helps with this as they give you a different perspective of yourself than all the people back at home in your real life. Making the trip to Africa definitely helped with my recovery. It pushed me mentally, physically, and socially so far beyond boundaries that had seemed to be holding me bak over the last few years. I achieved many tasks/activities (jumping out of planes!! and successfully climbing kilimanjaro - the second hardest thing I've done in my life!!!) and actually felt proud of myself. And funilly enough I've spent mch less of the last six months in tears!! Keep going strong and crying lots if thats what it takes!!

Have a good day :}

Karen

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gymonodi10

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hopeful

February 18, 2006, 7:20 am PST

Thanks for being concerned!!

Quote From: jessilynn5

I am posting a message reguarding my friend. She has recently became anorex. She lost close to 50 pounds this past summer and she wont admit to having this disease. I have always thought that she has been pretty but with her losing this weight she looks great!!! How ever when people tell her this (that she looks soo good from losing all this weight) it makes her not eat even more cause it is giving her the attenchion that she wants. Its hard for me to be around her cause all she ever talks about is her being fat!! and it is so annoying. I dont know what to do with her. I have talked to her about it and how it makes me feel but this is where it becomes hard. At the same time she lost all this weight i also had lost weight. How ever i did it by throwing up. I know not good but i am still heavyer and i am not concered about me i am not near a dangerous weight. She will than turn it around and act as though she is concered about me. I need help with her! Any ideas? a concerned friend

Hi concerned friend,

after reading your message I'm glad you are there for your friend! I remember when i started losing all the weight the same coments came my way and even though I thought I wanted to hear them (because I always thought I was fat), at the same time, every time someone commented about my how great I looked, I felt really bad and guilty because I knew what I was doing was so bad for me. I had a good friend that sounds a lot like you who was very concerned for me but I kept refusing to talk about the situation. The thing is, everynight I would spend the whole night going through the conversation I would have with her the next day about my anorexia and depression. And the next day would come and I would sit there and not say a word about it even when she would bring it up. The only suggestion I have is that you keep on asking her questions that she will feel comfortable to answer honestly rather than waiting for her to initiate the conversation. I would always be thinking - "just ask me if I have anorexia" or ask if I have eaten today etc. I have recently moved cities away from this friend and after being able to see her everyday to only being able to email occasionally I so wish I had been able to talk to her about it all when I had the chance. She knows I have (am recovering from) anorexia, but we never discussed it in great depth and for that I'm truelly sorry. Just keep asking questions and keep on confronting her about it but also tell her how much you need her friendship and how important she is in your life (I know I felt completely worthless and that I was just being a burden to this friend and that she just felt sorry for me rather than actually caring). Part of having depression and being anorexic for so many people is the inability to talk about it. Also maybe if you share about what you're going through with your purging and ask for her help she may open up cos she doesn't feel so threatened and it is not an attack against her (not that it would be from your perception - you're just trying to help).

Hope you have returned to the board to read this message and hopefully it has been of some help (even though it is written quite badly - it's 2:30am, I'm a bit tired!!). Good luck and I'm thinking of you both! Please reply if you read this and let me know how you're going

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gymonodi10

Message Emote
happy

February 18, 2006, 7:54 am PST

Anorexia

Quote From: sklarlynn

Hello, I'm 13 years old. 5'4 1/2 and I weight 89 pounds soaking wet. I don't starve myself and I'm not anerorexic but I'm afraid I'll become anerorexic. I'm comfortable at 85 pounds which is odd to say. I've been that weight for the pat 2 years although I've grown about 6 in. I'm not silly and I don't want to become anerorexic because I know what can happen. My friends make fun of me because of my weight seeing how some boy who's about 4 feet tall and in my grade weighs just 10 pounds less than me. He's told me. People have also come up to me and told me how skinny I am and that I need to eat. Which I do, just not the healthiest. I'm afraid to tell my mother even though I think she knows something's up when I don't eat a lot. I don't know what to do. I eat until I'm satisfied but normally all I eat are junk foods and things.

Also, can stress cause eating disorders because I also don't eat a lot when I'm stressed. I'm just incredibly scared that I'll develop an eating disorder and die. I don't want to die, personaly. Please help me.

Hi there, how are you going?

When I read your message I knew I wanted to write back but I wasn't sure what to say. If you are comfortable with your body weight and how you look, then good for you. Try not to listen to what others say about your weight because the comments they make are more likely to come from what they are feeling about themselves (ie- jealousy) than what they think about you. It's probably a good idea to talk to your mum about eating healthier foods (if that's what you want to do)- maybe you could help out by cooking your favourite meals. It's good that you eat till your satisfied and that you don't seem to have bad feelings about food. It is true for some people that they don't eat much when they are stressed. Try and eat what you would normally eat and try and deal with your stress another way like talking to someone (a friend or your mum etc) or doing some exercise/sport or reading a good book, or doing something that relaxes you and that you enjoy. Also, don't worry that you may weigh less than your friends and classmates, people just grow at different ages, so you probably will catch up to everyone else when you're a little older. Hope some of what I have said has helped and fell free to write back if you want someone to talk to. i'm happy to listen :}

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juliana67

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Depressed

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February 18, 2006, 1:58 pm PST

Thank you

Quote From: hisjewel

From Addicitive Personalities by Craig Nakken

Addict: "Bring me your pain, I will give you relief."

Translation: Give mem your pain, I'll give you an illusion of relief."

Addict: "I will set you free."

Translation: "I will come to own you."

Addict: "Spend time with me, you can trust me you can't trust anyone else."

Translation: Spend time with me I will teach you to be mistrustful to others."

Addict: "I will teach you a way that you won't have to face issues."

Translation: "You can hide temperarly but the issue won't go away."

After I read that I prayed and asked God what do you say about it God what would it be if i did Translation and then The word of God. Here is how it looks. oh yeah and translation is satan speaking.

Translation/satan: "Give me your pain I'll give you an illusion of relief."

God: "I heal the heartbroken and bandage their wounds." Psalms 147:3

Translation/satan: I will come to own you.

God: "I am close to the broken hearted; I rescues those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

Translations/satan: "Spend time with me I will teach you to be mistrustful of others."

God: "Do not let your heart be troubled trust in me (God)." (can't remember where sorry)

Translation/satan: "You can hide temporarly, but the issue won't go way."

God: "I am a safe place to hide, ready to help when you need me. You stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in seastorm and earthquake, before the rush and roar of the sea and the tremors that shift the mountians." Psalms 46:1-3

I made it more personall instead of puting God I used I and well yeah liike that.

Now you know that God is Love ok so I am going to write this scripture and instead of using the word love i am going to put God

"God is patient, God is kind....He does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud. He is not rude, He is not self seeking. He is not easily angered, He keeps no record of wrong. God does not delieght in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trust, always hopes and always perseveres. God never fails." 1 Cor 13:4-the first part of 8 and now verse 13 "And now these three things remain: faith, hope and God. But the greatest of these is God!!!"

Remember God is love so i have replaced it with He and Love with God.

There is so much truth there and what is truth God is truth He said it so There is so much God!!!!

anyway i am suppose to have my quite time/spend alone time with God in His word and in prayer. cya later!!!! remember I am praying for you and God is with you!!!

hugs and much love!!

You can do it!!!!

When God lives in us and we say I can't do it your right but the God in you can!!!! When we are our weakest we are at our strongest because God is strength through us!!! Let God be your strength!!!

Thank you Rene. I dont' really have time to write now (I have to leave for my aunt's baby shower in about 15 minutes..........and guess who is not ready!). It is really nice to read those words.......I often forget how God is strength and love. Thanks again.....I'll try to be on msn later!

Love,

Julie

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hisjewel

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February 18, 2006, 7:39 pm PST

Anorexia

Quote From: gymonodi10

hey, how's it going? I can't tell you how many nights I have cried myself to sleep over the past few years. I, like you, never really cried much till I developed depression and then I cried so often (usually over nothing serious - just something that would get me stressed) and couldn't stop myself from crying. Last year I spent 3 months in Africa and I learned so much about myself and my inner strength that I have. I also some days even liked myself which when you have hated yourself for so long is so weird. I think spending time with heaps of new people who don't know about your past or your disorder helps with this as they give you a different perspective of yourself than all the people back at home in your real life. Making the trip to Africa definitely helped with my recovery. It pushed me mentally, physically, and socially so far beyond boundaries that had seemed to be holding me bak over the last few years. I achieved many tasks/activities (jumping out of planes!! and successfully climbing kilimanjaro - the second hardest thing I've done in my life!!!) and actually felt proud of myself. And funilly enough I've spent mch less of the last six months in tears!! Keep going strong and crying lots if thats what it takes!!

Have a good day :

Karen

yeah i have always done everything else instead of cry and i have to let myself move past the harmful things i do to myself and just cry no matter how hard. that is really awesome that you went to africa. i have been to india for 2 mths and mexico for about 2 mths and scottland for 2 weeks. i did pretty good with food in india and mexico but it was really hard but in scottland i was like i am just going to keep doing what i have been i had hide it and no one really suspected anything so i just went about hiding what i was doing and no one knew. after that trip i just kept going down hill and down hill more and more until a few weeks ago i was to a point i was really close to death. yeah it is weird when the things that should be normal for us happen like us liking ourselves even for a brief moment or even the other day i wanted to go to a grocery store and i thought wow that is too weird. thanks for your encouragement. yesterday was a super hard day until late last night and then things changed and today was a very good day then about an hour or so ago i started to get really anxious because something that happened so i just came back to my room and decided i needed sometime just me.

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ta2momma

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
anxious

February 19, 2006, 10:14 pm PST

Low Blood Sugars

Hi everyone,

Hope you all had a good weekend. I have a question how do you guys deal with low blood sugars if your not eating right? Today I experienced my first low blood sugar attack and it scared the heck outta me. For the past 6 weeks I have been trying to eat at least 2000 calories average ends up being maybe 1800 or so but before I started eating right I guess I only had about 800 calories on avereage. Anyways I woke up late today about 11:30 had a soda and 3 little mini doughnuts and thats it till about 4:30 and I guess my body wasnt happy with that cuz I started feeling really cranky, shaky, clamy hands and felt like an anxiety attack ( which I get time to time) but it felt different this time. Well my sons diabetic so I thought Id humor myself and check my blood sugars with his meter and I was 72. Not really really low but anything under 80 is low. I drank some juice and felt better in about 25 mins but my god it scared me. Thought I was gonna pass out. Do any of you go through that? Now Im freaking out cuz If I dont stick to eating like I am will I always be low? I cant handle that. Few days ago I had a bad eating day too didnt eat hardly anything all day and felt like that too but I thought it was anxiety guess not. Well anyways Im ready for bed just finished my Boost Plus, Im freezing and tired. If your still up reading this have a great night but if its already morning for you have a great day :-)

Sarah

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hisjewel

Message Emote

February 19, 2006, 10:45 pm PST

Anorexia

Quote From: ta2momma

Hi everyone,

Hope you all had a good weekend. I have a question how do you guys deal with low blood sugars if your not eating right? Today I experienced my first low blood sugar attack and it scared the heck outta me. For the past 6 weeks I have been trying to eat at least 2000 calories average ends up being maybe 1800 or so but before I started eating right I guess I only had about 800 calories on avereage. Anyways I woke up late today about 11:30 had a soda and 3 little mini doughnuts and thats it till about 4:30 and I guess my body wasnt happy with that cuz I started feeling really cranky, shaky, clamy hands and felt like an anxiety attack ( which I get time to time) but it felt different this time. Well my sons diabetic so I thought Id humor myself and check my blood sugars with his meter and I was 72. Not really really low but anything under 80 is low. I drank some juice and felt better in about 25 mins but my god it scared me. Thought I was gonna pass out. Do any of you go through that? Now Im freaking out cuz If I dont stick to eating like I am will I always be low? I cant handle that. Few days ago I had a bad eating day too didnt eat hardly anything all day and felt like that too but I thought it was anxiety guess not. Well anyways Im ready for bed just finished my Boost Plus, Im freezing and tired. If your still up reading this have a great night but if its already morning for you have a great day :-)

Sarah

yeah i had problems like that but i wasn't smart like you i refused to have anything still. wonder if i would still refuse if i was stuck in the same place. i am doing better right now i have been for hmmmmm wow wednesday will be one mth (4 weeks) wow!!! it is so super hard!! talking about anxiety and panick attacks and being super emotional but now know why or what is going on dear me..........

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juliana67

User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote

February 20, 2006, 9:35 am PST

anorexia

Quote From: ta2momma

Hi everyone,

Hope you all had a good weekend. I have a question how do you guys deal with low blood sugars if your not eating right? Today I experienced my first low blood sugar attack and it scared the heck outta me. For the past 6 weeks I have been trying to eat at least 2000 calories average ends up being maybe 1800 or so but before I started eating right I guess I only had about 800 calories on avereage. Anyways I woke up late today about 11:30 had a soda and 3 little mini doughnuts and thats it till about 4:30 and I guess my body wasnt happy with that cuz I started feeling really cranky, shaky, clamy hands and felt like an anxiety attack ( which I get time to time) but it felt different this time. Well my sons diabetic so I thought Id humor myself and check my blood sugars with his meter and I was 72. Not really really low but anything under 80 is low. I drank some juice and felt better in about 25 mins but my god it scared me. Thought I was gonna pass out. Do any of you go through that? Now Im freaking out cuz If I dont stick to eating like I am will I always be low? I cant handle that. Few days ago I had a bad eating day too didnt eat hardly anything all day and felt like that too but I thought it was anxiety guess not. Well anyways Im ready for bed just finished my Boost Plus, Im freezing and tired. If your still up reading this have a great night but if its already morning for you have a great day :-)

Sarah

Hey Sarah. Yes, I remember those days very well, but like Rene, I also wasn't smart enough to have anything. To me, it was almost like "yeah, success! I am losing weight!" Ha, seriously, could I be anymore screwed up?? I am proud of you for having something though! It is a challenge for us all to eat and I am proud of you. Guess what, I am actually sticking to my meal plan now. It is ssssoooo hard and I don't want to be doing it, but I have to if I want to stay in treatment (let's just hope I can afford to stay there too). Just thought I'd share because I remember you said I should stick to my meal plan too, lol. Well I best be going, I have to go have breakfast, lol, and then get ready for therapy. Ohh guess what all, today I am meeting one of my good friends who I haven't seen since October. We were in Intensive Outpatient together. I'm scared though........she is not doing well at all. She has been sick for 10 years, has had a heart attack and has been close to death many many times. She is back down near her lowest weight and I'm scared to see her at that weight. I never saw her that low before and I'm really scared it's going to tirgger me to want to be that low again. I'm so happy I will get to see her though! I always hope it's not the last time with her..........

Julie

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juliana67

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Depressed

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February 20, 2006, 9:37 am PST

hello

Quote From: hisjewel

yeah i had problems like that but i wasn't smart like you i refused to have anything still. wonder if i would still refuse if i was stuck in the same place. i am doing better right now i have been for hmmmmm wow wednesday will be one mth (4 weeks) wow!!! it is so super hard!! talking about anxiety and panick attacks and being super emotional but now know why or what is going on dear me..........

Hey Rene. Just wanted to say hello and hope you are having a fabulous day! Sorry I didn't get on messanger last night. My brother had some friends over and we played Apples to Apples (most fun game EVER!!). I also just wanted to say how proud I am of you for being sssooo strong and having so much faith and courage! You rock girl!

Julie

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