Quote From: hisjewelyes that is me!! I didn't thiink I would ever get to where i am either but i am it iis amazing that almost 4 weeks ago i was right at deaths door step and now i am not!!! It is so hard and i know you can do it. i started refusing to eat when i was 2 years old and continued then when was almost 13 is when i actually said that's it i am fat and things got worse from there. so i am 24 now and that means that well it's all i have known for 22 years. it was normal for me but it's not really normal i just never knew anything different. maybe not alwaays really bad like it got but it has always been there. yeah the thing does distort the pics. makes them all blury..... i make a really good sandwhich...... i take wholewheat berry bread (its a good carb not a bad one, the bread is really healthy) then i put 4 (only if they are really small ) slices or so of tomatoe's, lettuce, and whatever veggie on it, it is like making a small salad on bread. it is very healthy and not to many calories except the fact that i do put some ranch dressing on it but it still is better then some foods. For breakfast in the mornings I have a milk chocolate protien shake and a bananna. A bananna has all the potassium you need for a day so it is really good to start your day with it. also protien is a very good thing to start your body with for the day. That isn't the only food i eat but those are some suggestions. I make the protien shake with fat free milk and it still taste really good. I had that sandwhich for dinner tonight and it was reaally good. For lunch I had a little roast beef (not a usual thing for me to do but today i decided just a little), mushrooms, brocolli. Wow man i look at the amounts of food i had today and think just not to long ago i didn't even eat that much food in a mth probabley. well maybe but hmmm and if i did i did not keep it. Another bread that is really good for you but it is expensive is Ezekiel bread. Ezekiel bread also helps the body except the protien and all better or something like that so it is really good for you. there is one other bread but i can't remember. i bet it makes you feel panicky what i ate today that you don't know what you would do if you ate that because i can feel me fighting letting the addict talk and not the self but the self wins!!
I am sssooo glad the self is winning. You are so much stronger than the addict! And by the way, what you ate today (or yesterday) was not a lot at all! It was actually probably not even enough! Lol, dont' you just hate how we cannot see everything that everyone else sees, even when it comes to how much we are eating. I feel like I eat like a cow, but then I remind myself that I am on a meal plan and that there is no way a doctor would try and make me fat. I'm so proud of you, Rene. I know I've said that before, but I really REALLY mean it!
Yesterday went really well actually. My friend and I had a really good time (thanks for asking Sarah!). We had a really good time. She was an absolute skeleton (honest to goodness), but we had fun. It was really nice to have someone who completely understood me. I love that girl so much and know she is going to die soon. It's really sad. I was talking to her about death yesterday and she said that she has given up all hope and is just losing weight to die. I believed her too. She is so sick and has been sick for so long and I feel so much for her, but like we all know when you lose hope there is nothing anyone can do for you. I am just going to be there for her. Be her friend and let her know that she is loved, respected, and understood. I love how we can talk about anything and she understands me and I understand her; it feels really nice to be validated like that. I don't know how much longer she will live; hopefully a long time, but then again I feel selfish for saying that. I don't want her to die in so much pain. I want her to make peace with herself before she goes. That's what I promised myself a long time ago; that I wouldnt' die until I made peace with myself. That promise has gotten me through some incredably tough times where I was really close to ending it.
Oh, I almost forget, this is for the Sarah who emailed me! I totally replied back to your message like a day after it was sent! Did you check your junk email folder? Because that is where yours originally ended up on mine (stupid computers!). I really hope you read this because I really liked having you email me, it meant a lot to me to know that someone cares. I'll send my original message again........I sure hope you get it this time!
I'm having a really hard time right now. This whole eating thing is really getting to be hard. Yesterday I had a good therapy session (we talked about God, Rene!), and it was really hard but a good session. I'm just sad. Sad that I don't have that connection with God that we all so desperatly hunger for. I don't know how to go about getting that connection either. I try praying but I still feel really disconnected. I'm still following my meal plan though for the most part. I didnt' have my night time snack yesterday; I really just wasn't in the mood to force food down my throat once again. This message is really long, I hope you all don't mind reading this!
Julie
