My whole life my dad and his mother always told me that I was fat and chubby and that I needed to loose weight and being a dancer and a gymnast I was also told that you can only be good if you weighed less. so when I was in fourth grade I decided that I would just stop eating. Well being nine years old and deeply loving food I decided to start throwing up. I never saw a movie on it, I never read about bulimia, it just seemed like common sense that you can take out whatever you put in. So for the next three years I was able to loose weight (a little) but still eat. When I was in 7th grade I saw "Perfect Body" starring Amy Jo Johnson and I saw how see hid her anorexia and bulimia and then in "Teen People" I read about Pro Anorexia websites and so I hopped on my computer searched and found out how to be a good anorexic. In 2 months I dropped 20lbs I went from a very high 175 to a still high (in my mind. I was 5'9 at the time) 155lbs. Then I continued to loose weight going down to 110lbs when my friends alerted the school principal and the health teacher (do realize I went to the private school my whole life up to that point and everything was very close there) that I was throwing up and starving myself. The school called my mom and I denied the whole thing and they believed me. That was in March, in May they called me down again to the office and said that people were still very worried and was anything going on. I once again said no. In June, I went down to 100lbs, I couldn't get out of bed in the morning with out falling to the floor and I passed out a lot through out my day so I didn't want to go anywhere and in the dead of summer I was freezing. That summer I was appraoched by a store to model for them, I of course jumped at the chance before my parents could even say any thing. I modeled for a few more stores until 2 more of my friends called my mom at home and told her that I was really sick and I spilled my guts. She made me quit modeling but told me she wouldn't put me in therapy. Well then she made sure I ate 3 square meals but I of course knew tricks to try and get around it but I still gained weight and went up to 135lbs about. Well the first couple weeks of school of 8th grade (8th grade was the same year I went back to ballet) the teachers on lunch duty watched me like a hawk so I gained for weight about 145lbs. Then I just started to starve myself again. In gym class I almost passed out and my gym teacher (who was also my health teacher) called my mom and said that they were going to make me see the school therapist! Well I of course HATED the idea of having to talk to this person I didn't know and I didn't WANT to know this person. So I bullshitted my therapy sessions. In that December I found out my dad was having an affair and that sent me into a tail spin. I droped weight so quick. After Christmas vacation my therapist called my mom in and told her I needed to go see a doctor. I huffed and puffed but I went and he said I was underweight and I was sick but they were going to monitor my weight. And every week I still managed to loose weight and all he said was eat more and I said up yours and then I just stopped going. Then my therapist tried a radical new treatment called the Maudsley Method. Which, basically, was I had to eat three square meals a day of a certain calories and at school I had to eat lunch with either my therapist (when she was there) or my gym/health teacher and at home I had to eat whatever my mom made me. Which this didn't work because when they leave I shove the food in a napkin and put it down my shirt or in my backpack. And at home well I was good at hiding food needless to say but I still gained weight (at that time I didn't know my weights because my mom took my scale and I was weighed backwards so I had no clue). I graduated 8th grade and left a school that had been like my second home and went on to high school. Freshman year, I was at a new school and I knew NO ONE! So it was a definate culture shock. I just stopped eating. No reason to really eat, I had no friends and I didn't care about anything except being thin and popular. I lost some weight and I was accepted to the "popular" crowd. And I was so happy. But I still wasn't eating but the popular people I ate with started to buy me food so I'd eat it and run to the bathroom and throw it up. But then I just stopped taking their food all I wanted to do was be thin and I couldn't do that if I eating and purging. Then I started talking to my english teacher (whose sister was anorexic) and I thought he was nice and understanding but boy was I wrong. Even though he let me stay in his classroom for lunch, he was apparently saying stuff behind my back. But around December of my freshman year I started haning out with a "different" crowd. The crowd did drugs, smokes, drank and now I did too. In January I was malnourished from not eating, purging and doing drugs that I decided I needed more help, I told my school therapist that I wanted to be hospitalized and she called my mom in and my mom blew off the idea of me being hospitalized and sent me to a quack of a therapist who want to counsel my mom more then me and decided I need to take meds. So she sent me to the family doctor who put me on anti-depressants. Well on February 27, 2004 I figured that if I mixed pain killers with my anti-depressants, I could die. So I took vicodin to school, my friend and I went into the bathroom where I snorted the pills and waited. I just got high and dizzy but that day after school she told my english teacher who told the principal who called my mom. So I got suspened for 10 days along with the girl who was in the bathroon with me. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere except for dance, but I was so sick and malnourished that the only way I could get through class was to take speed. I had some major injuries and I was very sick so I was told by my wonderful dancer teacher (and I'm being serious...I love her to death, she is a wonderful person) that I should take a leave because she knew I was sick and if I didn't take a leave she was going to make sure I did so I bowed out and took a leave for the rest of the season that was in March. Also in March i sent a suicide letter to my teacher and he alerted the school nurse and she called my mom and I had to have a crisis intervention. I was then taken off my meds and stopped seeing the quack. But I was still not eating and purging even if I wasn't eating just because I think I'm a fat pig. So then I started to see my school therapist as well as three more therapist, another one in school, 1 out of school, and a MD. Well I was put on another med, I stopped taking that because I became depressed on it. I left my freshman year completely sick. And then three days after school was out we had to rush my dad to the hospital because after a "flu" that lasted over two weeks, his fever wasn't going down and he was having trouble breathing. The next day we found out he had cancer!!! It was everyones worse fear. His sister died of cancer when she was 40 and he had 5 other people on his side that died of cancer. He went through 10 weeks of chemo. During that time, I didn't have the brain power to think ED so I kind of ate when i thought I should and didn't any other time. I still managed a low weight. I started about at school and in the second week and befriended my new english teacher. Her daughter was anorexic and she really cared. She'd talk to me when she could and help when she could and she was very lovely to me and she let me spend lunch in her room. She never stayed with me but she would lock her door and let me sit in there. Well in November she started having health problems and had to take a leave. That left me with no one at school although I still had my wonderful dance teacher but I only saw her once a week. So I started taking laxatives and not eating and purging and started smoking again. A really shitty combo, I got sicker then I ever had before. I started passing out at dance and my dance teacher told me I couldn't dance until I started eating. So I wasn't eating or dancing. But I still went to class and observed and listen to my dance teacher and wanting so baddly to stop but I couldn't. But I did listen when she told me to try to see if I could get admitted again. Well this time I told my therapist out of school because I thought my parents would listen to her more and they did. Demeber 7th I went to the hospital place for like a meeting and they called me two days later and told me they weren't going to admit me because I wasn't thin or sick enough. I left school and dance for christmas break weighing about 125lbs. Came back weighing 120-115lbs. But my english teacher came back after christmas and the week after she came back I started talking to her again and let me come in and spend lunch. Then she told me that I had to stop taking laxatives and I listened to her and I did and they she told me she wasn't going to let me stay in her room unless I started eating and so I started eating. A cracker but I started. Then I started to purge EVERYTHING! No matter what. But I was gaining weight because of eating and purging my body was still get some food. But still my dance teacher started to let me dance just in time for the show this past year. I uped what I was eating in school and then my english teacher told me she would not let me stay in there if I was going to continue to leave and purge. So I stopped purging lunch but purged everything else. I left school and little heavier and she promised me she'd stay in contact. Then the following week was my dance preformance and I starved all week. My dance teacher knew it and wasn't too happy. After the recital she fed me (not even joking) and then the following week at class she did the same thing. She has been the best to me when it comes to my ED. But then dance ended and I was left with no one. No safety net what so ever but then the week after dance was over my parents and myself went to Arizona for almost a month where I was throwing up REALLY expensive meals BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE THIN!!! Why? I don't really know. I should have been enjoying everything about Arizona but half of the time I was purging. My dance teacher has now also made a rule that I can't dance unless on my dance night (monday night) I eat in front of her and I eat what she says. Then once a week I call her and I'm supposed to eat while on the phone with her except that hasn;t been going real well...last night I managed 1/2 a cracker. This is a horrible disease and as I sit here now writing this I haven't eaten in a while (except for the 1/2 a cracker) and I've been taking a mucho amount of diet pills and I'm very dizzy and shakey. If you are thinking about anorexia or bulimia DON'T! Its NOT a way to loose weight and you will get sucked in as I have. I hope someone will read this and realize that they don't want to do this! I feel so out of control I don't know what to do. I haven't seen my therapists in forever, I don't have the time....
If anyone wants to talk to me you can message me or my aim is ballet1babe!
Dana
