Quote From: hisjewelhey i know you have had this message here for quite a bit and are probley so frustrated and feel so alone but you aren't!!!!! I am sorry i should have responded when i first saw your message and didn't.
do you know why you aren't ready to recover yet do you have a reason? Do you not think that since you came on here and posted that you want to be ready more then you think? I think that you want it but your scared of it and that's whay you say that you aren't ready to recover. i can see why you are saying that because you feel like you havae something that belongs to you and you don't want to give it up. have you not noticed yet that you really belong to this it doesn't belong to you, your not controling it, it is controling you!!!
Does anyone know that you struggle or are hiding it still?
I have struggled with an ED since just before i turned 13 and am not almost 24 well if this would have been one day less then a week ago I would have had something so different to share with you about how i am doing now. just then i wanted so bad to disappear which i am sure sometimes you feel that way don't you? anyway so i finally had to look at myself and the child in me that has been so scared and bruised and put aside and say i am sorry!!! I kept saying i don't know if i am ready i don't want to give this up i am so scared but you have no idea the difference there is in my life just in less then a week!!!! I mean it is so different!!!! you can do this and you want it more then you know. i guess the question is do you want this eating disorder or do you want your health and your life? is control and having something that belong to you really worth you losing what matters the most your life!! please just think about these things and i am sure there are a lot of these things you think about but what is the you inside really crying out for? you can do this!!!! I would never want to see you live your life as long as i lived my like this it can change it can be different. you don't want to be in the hospitle hooked up to iv's and all of htat now do you?
well maybe this isn't quite what you wanted but well it is from my heart. I have so much more i could probley say but for now this will be good!!
you can do it!!!! you can give up the one thing you feel you want so much and when you give it up you will have gained the greatest thing your life!!!!!
Hi Hailey,
Thought you might like to hear from someone who has actually successfully been recovered for many years now. My eating disorder (anorexia) began at the age of 16 and at a time when anorexia and bulimia was a new concept, and treatment options were minimal. In fact, I was in the midst of recovery when Karen Carpenter, a famous singer, died of cardiac arrest due to anorexia.
First of all, you are right when you say that you are not ready, and it is a good thing that you can admit this to yourself and others. You may not realize it, but you have already taken the first steps toward recovery because:
#1: You admit that you have an eating disorder (a very hard step)
#2: You admit that you aren't ready to give it up yet
So, I think that you are more ready than you realize due to these two factors. However, based on what I experienced , what you are not ready to give up is "control." There are several reasons that giving up control is so hard for someone with an eating disorder:
1. When in the midst of the disorder, it feels good to know that you, or the person with the eating disorder, are different from other people. It becomes our identity...something that sets us apart from the rest of society and makes us, "special." If we decide to go into treatment, then there is a fear that we will not be set apart from others and then we might just "blend in" to society and lose our identity.
2. More than likely, there is something in your life that has happened to cause you to feel as if you had no control over something. In my case, I was molested by my grandmother for several years, and I was raised in a strict Baptist home in which I felt that I couldn't express anger, sorrow, etc. I felt very repressed and by the time that I reached high school, I knew that no one could make me eat.
3. I'm not sure how your relationship with your father is, but even though I had a father that went to Church with my sister, mother and I and he led a good life...he was absent emotionally. This became worse as I reached puberty and began to mature. Once I began to grow breasts, have periods, and filled out like teen girls do, my father became even more distant. I feel that girls, even teen girls...even grown women want to know that their daddy approves of them in every way. They also want to be daddy's girl, even though they have breasts and a body like a woman. Because of the lack of affection that my father offered me, I desparately wanted my body to go back to the way it was before I started blooming.
I don't mean to sound like a, "know-it-all", but I can pretty much safely say that some of what I have posted hits home with you. Usually, anorexics and bulimics view things very similarly.
Hailey, if you have faith in God, this can prove to be a great source of strength to get you through the rough times in your quest for recovery. There is nothing that God can't do...and I'm betting that you think that you do not deserve God's help, but that I probably did and other do, but how could God possibly view you as someone who is worthy of his help? Don't buy into this lie though, because you are just as deserving and worthy as anyone else. Anorexia and bulimia are monsters that lie to us on a continual basis, keeping us as low on the self-esteem scale as it can.
I know that I have said some things that has probably stepped on a few of your toes, and others that are reading this. I won't make apologies for this, because I have been there, bought the tee shirt, wore it, bought the bulimia tee shirt, wore it, but am living proof that those tee shirts are no longer needed and food no longer controls my life. It can do the same for you.
Hailey, you have already taken the first few steps toward recovery...when and if you become, "sick and tired of being sick and tired," then this is when you will progress to the next level toward recovery.
I will be praying for you, specifically that you will listen to the voice inside of you that is crying out for help. Please don't wait until your loved ones are attending your funeral.
Said with love!
Laurie Osburn
Levelland, Tx
lady31362@valornet.com
