I have just read about a dozen or so postings and my heart aches so much for all of you. It makes me cry because I really do feel your pain I wish I could wave a magic wand and you all would be healed forever. Unfortunately it's not that easy. I know this also. I know this because I became bulimic at the age of 16. I am now 37 years old. Everything that you all wrote about experiencing......I have lived it. I have been in your shoes. I know the pain. I know the empty, holow pit in the core of your sole. I know how it feels to want to be alone with your disease and at the same time feeling like no one cares enough about you to try to save you. When I think about all the years of pain and suffering I have lived it hurts. It hurts to know there are so many of you out there going through the exact same thing.
Today I no longer suffer from this disease. At least not directly. The memory of it still hurts, but I no longer suffer from an active case of bulimia or anorexia. I was very thin for many years. I purged up to 12 times in a day. I would go as long as 3 months without eating a stitch of solid food. I was laxitive dependent. At my worst point I would take 120 exlax in one day. Yes, that was not a typo. 120 per day. This went on for years. I would over excercise constantly. I never let anyone get close to me emotionally. I always lived alone because I didn't want anyone to find out. I realize now that everyone knew. It's just that everyone decided to ignore it. I would binge and purge at work. I found out years later that my coworkers knew what I was doing and they apparently laughed at me behind my back.
Anyhow that's enough about the depressing crap. The good news is that I am living a normal life now. I have a wonderful partner and we have a beautiful one year old daughter. Life could not be better. But do not make the mistake of thinking this was an easy accomplishment for me. At the age of 27, ten years ago, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Just a few weeks after my 28th birthday I underwent brain surgery to have the tumor removed. The tumor was located in the center of my brain so they couldn't just cut if off. They had dig in and go through "good" brain tissue to pull it out. This caused a lot of damage to the good tissue. It took me 5 years to recover to the point where I was 90%. This experience changed me in many ways, especially during recovery. They had to put me on streroids for a few months which as you know make you gain weight. This made me panic. I went to my neurosurgeon about it and he put it quite eloquently, "if you worry about healing your brain now, you will have the rest of your life to worry about the size of your ass" Obviously those words have stuck with me. But for more than what he particularly meant. I really started to take a long, hard look at myself (inside), and at the people in my life (family mostly). I thought about who was there to support me through this frightening ordeal and who wasn't. Keep in mind I had always been very thin. And isn't that one of the main reasons for wanting to be thin? To be perfect so everyone will love you? Well when it came time to see who really loved me I found that I was alone. So you see, it never mattered how skinny I was, I had pushed everyone out of my life and I got what I was most afraid of. To be alone and unloved. Sure lots of people would tell you they loved me or cared about me. But the proof was in the pudding. I was all alone trying to recover from this horrific event and financially support myself through it when I was totally unfit to work. I had a long-term dissability insurance that made it possible to go on though is was very difficult.
Anyways, trying not to ramble on and on, it took this brain tumor for me to finally see the light. The light that you have to get out of this on your own. You will need the help of professionals don't get me wrong. But ultimately you must pull the strength out of yourself. I know you don't believe you have it, but believe me you do! It is and always will be a daily struggle. But everyday YOU have to decide to love you. It's a conscious decision just like Dr. Phil says about forgiveness. When you wake up every morning. Stand in the mirror and tell yourself, "you know, I'm not perfect. And I love myself anyway" As a matter of fact if you were perfect no one else would love you . Girls wouldn't want you as a friend because it would make them feel worse about themselves and guys wouldn't want to date you because they would think they're not good enough for you. No one likes perfect people! I am still learning that all the time. So anyway I just want you all to stop and think about this deeply. I was actually talking to my partner yesterday about how powerful verbal affirmations are. If you tell yourself something (that you consciously don't believe) over and over and over again, your subconscious will start to believe it. You may laugh at this but why not give it a try. What have you got to lose?
I'm going to give you a homework assignment (if I may be so bold). Every day, at least once, stand infront of a mirror and talk to yourself. I want you to pretend you're a lion and roar out loud. Feel the inner strength this one silly little action will give you. Most importantly make the conscious decision that no matter what your size/weight you are going to live for you. Not for anyone else. Do the things that you want to do. MOst importantly be patient with yourself. This will take a long time. And when you fall back, don't punish yourself. You are only human. You are not perfect (No matter how hard you try). There will be good days and there will be bad days. Persistance is vital. Nowadays I feel so strong, inside, and I wish I could cut that feeling into pieces and pass it around to you. But the funny thing is, that strength was in me all along. I just never saw it.
I pray for each and every one of you. And I hope that no one else has to experience something tramatic to get their wake-up call.
Basically a brain tumor saved my life.
If anyone wants to talk to me I am here for you. If I can help just one girl then my pain and suffering will have been worth it.
