Topic : Bulimia

a nice sort of 'dreamy'. I feel a bit better than last nite at least....still can't eat much but at the moment not hungry anyway..............did have two oranges for lunch and lots of peppermint tea........had a right old prattle on here last nite but when I posted it, the damn thing dissapeared..maybe just  as well....if you'd read it you definately would have thought I'd lost my marbles.........anyway, tomorrow is my first day 'on the job' properly...............bit nervous...........have to get up at 05:30...ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I finish at 14:00 so that's not too bad I guess......won't be having any late nights out yet............maybe in a few weeks.........when I can face alcohol again..........psych was supposed to ring this afternoon.........Didn't!!!!!!!!!!! Typical!!!!!!!!!! So I don't know when I am going to be seen..............just another number in the system.............why do I bother...........and they wonder why so many of us slip through the cracks. All I know now is that I'm on a waiting-list, could be months before I see anyone...........may not be here by then????????.........so much for the wheels turning fast to help................BIG JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Only I'm not laughing....still feel dreamy but coming down to reality......shame ( NO! I haven't taken anything!! )  Catch you guys later......have to hit the sack......need my beauty sleep. 

maureen 

I totally understand what your saying about how you feel, it's like your here but your not.  like you wish in your mind you could just check out that nothing would matter then but the harsh reality is that if you check out it may not matter then but it will matter later because life still goes on.  yeah i know it is so hard and you just wish you could disappear but the good thing is that it doens't always have to be that way!!!!  i know that you are so scared and confused but you can do this you can beat it!!!!  i believe in you but the question is when are you going to believe in you? 

Well I just finished my first day on the job.........it was a 'touching' day and I feel a little sad.......my new job is working in an EMI unit in a Nursing Home and I work as a Care Asst. Its mainly elderly although there are one or two people in their 40's.............It is sad because all the residents suffer from Dementia and are at one stage or another of this debilitating disease...........they are like children.........at one stage I almost cried when a little lady turned around and told me she 'loved me'. I know she doesn't know who I am but it is a very emotional job.....I can't help feeling for these poor people............that could be me one day!!!!!!!!!??????????!!!!!!!!!! god, I hope not!!!!!!! 

Anyway I'm home now, the house is quiet , the cats' nowhere to be seen ( or heard...yet ). 'Y's gone off to work so its just me again...alone........with my thoughts......hard to think that its a week today when 'you know what' happened. It doesn't seem real and yet I know it happened as I still bear the bruises to prove it. Still don't quite feel on this planet yet and 'yes' still feel a little confused emotionally..........don't quite know where I am, yet I do........ just doesn't make sense.....very weird indeed. 

Oh well- going to do my favourite task now...............Housework.........yuk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

May write later, see how I feel 

maureen 

Hi,  

Dementia is the general terminology for Senile decay of the brain....Alzhiemers is the most common and devestating of this. It was sad to see so many people suffering......and yet I guess they don't know they have it so are they suffering??????? 

Anyway what I meant by " what happened" is my referal to the fact that it is 1 week ago, today, that things got so bad  in my life ,I took an overdose of pills...........doesn't seem real yet......the bruises are the marks left by the countless I.V's and blood that went in and out of my system via my arms....I bruise very easily and they hurt still. 

I still can't get my head around this......I've managed to finally eat something...I had a small salad, 6 strawberries and a small bunch of grapes..........now I have the overwhelming urge to get it out of my system.........this is what happens everytime I finally eat...........it has to go.......I don't make myself sick......I take laxatives.......it can be very painful at times but not as painful as the thought of all that food sitting inside my system like right now.............I am so scared that every mouthful I have is going to put the weight back on me...I just have to get rid of it..................I have to go now as I have run out of my supply and have togo get some more because I can not take this feeling anymore................I might come back after to talkbut I have togo dothis right NOW!!!!!! 

maureen 

You know I don't think they are really suffering.  I know they are aware of their feelings and all but they also don't really realize most of the time that what they do isn't normal.  I wonder often are they having fun and are some of them as carefree as they seem.  It is strange because some are grumpy, some are whinney, some are funny I mean they are all so different and I think depending on which way they are would probley help me decide if they seemed as they were suffering.  I mean cause someone who is funny and all that the happier things well dang i say they must be having some kind of fun!!  then the ones who are opposite i would think of it as though they were suffering more then the others. 

oooo yeah it didn't registar in my mind that was a week ago. 

Yeah i know what your talking about with the laxitives i took them all the time except a lot of times i would throw up and take laxitives.  I didn't have money anymore so i couldn't get laxitives so I couldn't take them anymore.  i was so mad but now it's ok because i am doing really good for a week as of today!!!  I threw up everyday and it wasn't like i had to eat a lot of food to throw it up i would eat even super small amounts and throw it up.  i rememeber wanting laxitives so bad i never lost the desire for them until last friday.  still i think about all these things but i know i have gone so long and i am so much happier even though i am like o gosh did i gain weight or how can i loose some weight now.  I know what you mean it does feel like every bite you take is going to make you gain weight no mater what it was for me even the fewest calories.  i was getting to where some times exspecialy by night i was so weak and all that i could hardly hold myself up and boy would my heart rate drop and i didn't let anyone around me know how i felt.  well there was a lady on the computer i told and she said lick some salt and drink something (she knew i wasn't going to eat)  I know that you can do this!!!!  it took me forever i thought what is wrong with me what is my problem but i was saying all the wrong things to myself.    i remember thursday a week ago i threw up 5 times and one of those times was just a few bites of peaches.  i would drink diet drinks lilke i was never going to have another one again.  i still think how am i going to lose weight i still want to lose but i am trying to find a healthy way to do it.    I still want so bad to throw up at times but i know if i say just once more then it will never end because that just once more i would say everyday.  i am learning to really like me now and i never have!!!!  it is possible you do have hope you just have to decide you really want it!!!  I know it is hard to decide and i would never try to push anyone gosh that would just make it worse all i can do is say i can't wait until you make the decision i made to finally give it up to finally look it in the face and say to it you don't own me and i will not give in to you anymore!!!! 

Jewel, 

Do you ever have the feeling that there are 2 people inside your head?????One is telling you that what you're doing is crazy and the other just shuts it up and goes and does what it shouldn't??? 

One part of me is saying, trying to reason with itself that there was no need to take those lax, but the other one is in a mad panic and basically hits the other voice over the head so as it can take the tabs....this is the voice that always wins...no matter how hard I try to ignore it. It used to be a quiet little voice, just barely audiable in the background,but now it shouts and screams and drowns out everything else..............Does this happen to you??? Or am I a kook?? 

maureen