Topic : 07/10 Biggest Brats

Honestly I am not sure where I went wrong with him and I think that it is my fault that he acts the way that he does, but I would like some advice on ways that I can change his behavior.  I sent him to a Catholic pre-school last year, something that is a challenge for his father and I financially, but it is something that we thinks that he needs.  The same for this year we are going to be sending him to the same school for kindergarten, this is something that is very important to us.  He did well there and we would like to see that continue.  However, he is constantly telling me that we are bad parents and that he wants new ones.  He is spoiled and he only tells us that when he doesn't get his own way.  It hurts my feelings when he says things like that.  And I don't want him to want other parents so I know that I give in to him and I know that isn't the answer either, but my other problem is that I have a 3 and a half year old daughter and a two-year old son.  And the other day my youngest son told my husband that he wanted another daddy -- that was it and I realized that I can't have this going on any longer.  I am not going to have him influencing the behavior of my younger children.  Any advice??  

This is for the woman on the show who kept saying her child was autistic and possibly had Aspergers and needed help.  

Welllllllllllll why don't YOU get that child the 'help'?  Unlike YOU my children BOTH of them are AUTISTIC.  I was the one who pushed to get them evaluated at a PROPER FACILITY.  I paid out of pocket for that.  When their medicines were not covered under the insurance, I paid out of pocket for that too.  I fought long and hard for the teachers  to make my children accountable for their behaviour.  I found groups that could give me clues on what else I could do to be a better parent. 

In other words lady, I am the advocate for my child.  I did not depend on the government for ANYTHING except to insure that they were given a GOOD education, and integrated with their peers at their schools. 

You are a social worker, yet you don't have a clue as to raising your own child. 

You have to step up here and be a parent.  You have to make yourself and your child accountable for yours and his actions.  I don't care if you are 'parenting out of guilt'.  THe time is NOW for you to GROW UP! 

I kept my children off of medicade  and SSI.  I wanted my children to be accountable for their behaviour.  And the only way I could do that was to parent them accordingly and get them the medical and psychological help they needed.  And when financial sacrifices needed to be made so that meds, food, and utilities could be afforded I made them.  

You kept saying the entire show how no one would help your child.  Why aren't YOU helping him?  You have a responsibility as a parent to stand up and do right by him.  IF you do not make that child accountable for his behaviour, no one else will. 

And as I watched the tape of your child, I did not see a child out of control.  I saw in that boy's eyes someone who knew exactly what he was doing and why. 

In children with autism (when they have their violent attacks)  you can see in their eyes that they can NOT control their selves.  There is a huge difference between your child and my children.  And I resent YOU using AUTISM as an excuse, simply because YOU REFUSE TO PARENT YOUR CHILD! 

You are a social worker for GOODNESS SAKE!  GET A CLUE WOMAN!  

My son is 8 and he just doesn't understand normal things that kids "just pick up on as they grow up."  He is in special classes at school (going into the 3rd grade in August) and has never consistently been in a normal grade level classroom.  He has a LANGUAGE IMPAIRMENT ... which is something I learn more and more about every day with him.  

I am a strict and CONSISTENT single mom!  I am the only one that is around him enough to correct him, explain to him why this/that was wrong/not nice, etc.  He listens to me and shows respect, because he knows the consequences.  When it comes to listening to anyone but his mother/father ... that is when he loses respect and takes advantage of the situation.   

He thinks that playing is throwing things at other children, or bugging them until they complain and say stop.  I am at a loss of what to do.  There is so much more to this situation and hard to type in this small space, but here are the other issues:  He has had epilepsy (takes Dilantin) since 2002 (4 yrs old), but has been seizure free for 2 years!  ONLY because he can not be controlled at SCHOOL he takes RISPERDAL for his behavior.  We have been divorced since he was 2 years old.  His dad remarried a woman with 3 kids so his dad's household is the total opposite than mine.   

Most people tell me that he needs counseling and additional help.  IT ALL COST MONEY and that is something I don't have.  He does not know how to communicate his feelings and that is why he expresses them in "abnormal ways."  I have had so much advice given to me ... but the bottom line is money.  I want to find something that I CAN DO to help him along.  I do my best to correct him and explain to him almost every single time something happens ... is that wrong?  Does he only know his current bad behavior and NOT know how to change it?  He has a 11 year old sister and she knows when to RUN AND HIDE from his outburst ... she does everything to avoid making him mad, but sometimes just lashes out and he laughes!!!!   

HELP!   

Listen, first off I want you to know I am NOT judging you. I am not in your household, I am not you, I do not know your daughter, or your husband, nor your family dynamics. However, I DO know that this child of yours is crying out for help, desperately crying out for help!! I DO have a very good idea what you are in the middle of here. I raised eight children of four different bio-logical families. I am not a foster mother, I am just a mother who has step children, four children I am the legal guardian for the last ten years, and two biological children. We ARE one family, just blended. My two boys both have severe ADHD with emotional troubles too. My youngest has a huge hole in his heart from not only neglect, but abandonment issues and a drug addicted mother who is in and out of prison. My other son was inadvertently pushed aside as he seemed "OK" even though he too has severe ADHD, his was just well maintained due to my constant structuring of his life and consistent discipline. He DID go out of control, as did my younger son. That is all I will add here, it was just a little so you understand I have been in a similar situation, so have a small understanding of your situation. However, each situation is separate and different from any other, unique in each family, regardless of how similar family dynamics may be. So, while I have an understanding, I am not in your particular shoes, nor do I have any insight into your mind, heart, soul or personality.  

One thing you said which really disturbs me is your statement that you "know" counseling "will not help her". Listen, counseling is needed for all of you, not just her. This child is out of control for a reason, and you all need to find out why she is so angry. She is a human being, just like any adult, just as a child she is much more helpless in helping herself, or having any real knowledge or understanding of her issues or a wide world view. As we grow and mature we gain much insight into the world, how things work, what  is important and how to deal with our lives. She is not yet fully developed within her brain. She has a ways to go before her brain is developed fully as it will be as an adult. Even as adults we continue to learn and grow. We make mistakes, hopefully learn from them and then grow in maturity and wisdom.  

Counseling should be your first step in getting real assistance for not only your daughter but yourself and the family as a unit. Each member may well need counseling individually, then as a family. Counseling WILL help your daughter, but it will not if you only wish to believe it is only your daughter who is experiencing difficulty. Your daughter is a child, and is a member of a family, your family. She did not grow in a vacuum, but in a dynamic family in which each individual impacts the other. If she goes alone she will not get as much assistance as she would if you and the rest of the family got assistance with her. She is a human being and has some fundamental rights. One is the  right of her parents finding out what is going wrong with her, why she is so angry, and to help her. She is a child and as such depends on her parents to lead the way. Counseling should be your first and most important action to take here with this child and the entire family.  

As long as you continue to believe this is only a problem of your daughter and not of the entire family, and refuse to consider counseling for her and the rest of you, then nothing will ever change and the damage being inflicted on this child will continue and her life will further spiral out of control. She needs help immediately and it is up to you as her mother to make sure she gets it. You need to step back and realize that you DO have a part in all this, an extremely important part. Both in what has happened and in the fix. Only you can take the steps needed to get help for your family.  

I know you are tired. I understand this has taken a huge toll on you and your husband. I feel for the both of you, and I am sure you love your daughter. However, she is your daughter and is still a child not an adult. She needs you to take action, to see what has happened, is happening and do everything in your power to get assistance. As long as you refuse to take responsibility as an adult and her mother this will not only continue, it will get worse and you could lose her. Lose her as in gone for good, as in dead, or lose her emotionally never to recover a good healthy relationship with her. I have been there, and I know counseling works. I had to look at how I was dealing with my sons and make changes for their wellbeing. None of us are perfect, instructions do not come with children, we bring our own baggage into parenthood just as in any relationship. The crux here though is we have a responsibility to provide as healthy an environment, a safe haven, compassion, understanding, and to help our children when they are in crisis.  

Counseling will help if you allow it to, if you acknowledge your part in this and begin the healing process for her and yourself and your husband. It CAN be done, If I could do it, so can anyone, as I am nothing spectacular, just a normal parent like any others. However, it has to begin with YOU. YOU have to realize your child is in crisis because of mistakes YOU made. This is hard, I know just how hard. But it can and does work. Please try to see that only you can do anything to fix this child. Only you have the power, if you choose to use it, to help her become a happy and healthy child, and well adjusted adult. She is spiraling out of control and does not have any self esteem. Counseling DOES work if you let it and if you work with her. There is nothing wrong with having made mistakes. What would be wrong is to continue to make them when you see that there ARE things you can do to make life better for her and the rest of the family.  

Yes, you have to look hard at what is going on and be honest with yourself about your part in all this. But you chose to have children, she did not choose to be born. You have a responsibility to her and it does not stop just because you are tired. You have to dig deep and pull out your backbone and do what you need to do.  

I wish you the best. Please consider what people have said here. You asked for help, this is help whether you wish to recognize it as such or not. We ARE trying to help you, and help your daughter who is just a child and really needs your love and support now more than ever. It is OK to have made mistakes, it really is. Please do not allow embarrassment or finances to stop you from getting the help you need. Blessed Be. 

Honestly I am not sure where I went wrong with him and I think that it is my fault that he acts the way that he does, but I would like some advice on ways that I can change his behavior.  I sent him to a Catholic pre-school last year, something that is a challenge for his father and I financially, but it is something that we thinks that he needs.  The same for this year we are going to be sending him to the same school for kindergarten, this is something that is very important to us.  He did well there and we would like to see that continue.  However, he is constantly telling me that we are bad parents and that he wants new ones.  He is spoiled and he only tells us that when he doesn't get his own way.  It hurts my feelings when he says things like that.  And I don't want him to want other parents so I know that I give in to him and I know that isn't the answer either, but my other problem is that I have a 3 and a half year old daughter and a two-year old son.  And the other day my youngest son told my husband that he wanted another daddy -- that was it and I realized that I can't have this going on any longer.  I am not going to have him influencing the behavior of my younger children.  Any advice??  

I received several replies to my posting. All with the exception of yours was perceived coming with great empathy and to say the least delivered in a very compassionate manner. I will "explain" to you and quite honestly that I was extremely taken back by your response to me and not necessarily in a good way.   

Although you said to me that you were not judging me..when someone starts a "conversation" with "Listen" that in itself gave me the perception that you were there with "finger in my face ready to pounce".   

Allow me to give you some further insight into my world - First - I am a licensed Social Worker who graduated with a 4.0 - Dean's Honor Role. 4.0 is the top of the scale - no where else to go. Although I no longer practice - I do own my own business in a different medium and work on the average a 15 hour day give or take. I carry HUGE responsibilities 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 1/4 days a year.  I wake on the average at 4:30am...(trying to stretch the day - maximize my time) - I do 90% of the cleaning in the wee hours..then switch over to run the biz, do production, sell and handle a great amount of the personal and business affairs of both the family and the company...I run 85% of the errands including the wifey, mommy duties, school stuff, grocery stuff and pet mother on top of it all. After I do my ritual lock down of the house at nite, tuck the family in so to speak..including all the pets..I still keep going strong. Although I may catch an hour sleep in the late afternoon..that is just a power nap so I can go go go til the wee hours of the morning. It's 2:37am..and I just closed down the studio..I need to be up by 5 at the latest today..and through all this..no one in my family gets ignored..always time to run the daughter around, sit watching a movie with hubby, pet the dogs, chase the cat in from the rain..clean the bird cage or sit and listen to a neighbor talk about the sale at the nursery on perennials. What I hear most often said about me.."Is are you really 48 years old..how do you keep up.. do it all..where does you get the energy or the time...you are going to have a heart attack or a break down eventually..." The latter came from a therapist who is a friend, a police officer who I know well, my mother-in-law, and several of my clients who know me on a deep relationship level...but I keep going..non-stop..each day, each hour..never looking in the rearview mirror for long..never looking for pity but answers, alternatives, always open - never closed...and never with my head buryed in the sand..not a know it all (me)..more of a realistic person who strives all day..giving what I can to whom ask for it..always there with a hand outreached..supportive.. 

Not only am I dealing with my daughters issues but also a Bi-Polar husband who now may have physical health issues (the Dr. is sending him for tests - lung, blood and heart) but also I am contending with the possibility that my ex-husband who I was married to for 11 years and who is the father of my child may have the big C - He was a new found coke addict in 1992 who suffered unbeknown to me from an addictive personality that went from drugs to alcohol (binging) to gambling to any other addiction he could replace the previous one for even another woman. And I will say - that it was only by the grace of God, an angel on my shoulder whispering in my ear and an astute gut feeling in my soul and everywhere else that I was able to find out about the drugs and gambling. Trust when I say Oprah would have been proud! I stood by him after 5 years of marriage for the next 6 years still in the marriage taking the verbal, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual abuse. I stood strong, supportive and extremely grounded most days and had my heart ripped out from every nerve of my body the other days but I stood back up, on my own with no help (no one knew what was behind our closed doors not even family) and I will tell you - the whole time I had my little daughter's hand firmly in mine. It was her Dad..she idolized him..and I had a responsibility to her to do everything I could to help him help himself...treatments centers, rehab..I even borrowed 35K from my parents of which they never did get back nor expected it to keep us going. He "S* on them and me..and thus our child. I stayed because of love, obligation..responsibility because addications when they surface are like a cancer..you don't bale you fight..in the long run..the addictions won..but I tried for her, for him, for me..for his family. I was so supportive that when it came to being with my dying mother, I placed my own family in front as I had no choice. To this day, I resent those lost moments I allowed him to steal from me in her final hours but I have resolved them within my own heart. The clincher came when he lost a 100K a year job, wrote off a brand new vehicle and lied to not only the police but also the insurance company. He stole belongings from me, his family , his company, our friends- lied through his teeth. The end came when he bashed through the glass windows of our home after I had told him not to come home again drunk. He had money for a hotel yet used it for who knows. I had what appeared the swat team on my lawn..picture a 3200 square foot home, on a half an acre of land - 10 minute walk from one of the Great Lakes..and police swarming the place yet I stood tall the next day when my neighbours got into their cars..I dealt with the embarrassment - the humiliation. I do not drink, I do not do drugs - I smoke but am in the process of quiting. I live a respectable life. I work harder than most I know and I give from the heart to a fault. My father was an alcoholic and an abuser to my mother..so as the story goes..the pattern continued in my own marriage. Councelling whether I was the facilitator or the recepiant is not knew to me...trust me on that. She was almost 8 when I let her father go..not because of lack of love but out of what was right and survival. I lost our home - I could not find work. I had NO support from family..my father suggested I try to work it out with her Dad..I thought he lost his mind. My sister was completely well a jerk not offering any understanding but only worried about if my Dad was going to have to step in financially and take away from her inheritance. The extended family looked at me sideways because my Ex was charismatic...a charmer. No one knew what I was going through or my daugher. At one point she witnessed him with a knife almost at my throat, me kneeling on the kitchen floor defending myself from a 6ft 1inch bulky guy..she walked in and said "Don't kill my mother"..he dropped the knife. Her and I went to councelling where they attempted to help us through our life with him. One suggested I needed a vacation alone. Right. I took that vacation to clear my head and my nerves..I came back to find out the jerk drank while I was gone and placed her at risk. He was done..I was done.   

The next year..I lost the house. She and I moved from the house to an apartment where the landlord tried to date me..I mean really. She and I went to another state to a friend of mine for the summer. That was a disaster as he told me she was not okay..and a brat. I left immediately. He was more a brat than she. She was a child, my daughter and the love of my life as she still is. I came to live back in my home town with my Dad for a month which proved unbearable as my sister made is so difficult for me saying I was sponging off my Dad. I offered to pay my share but my Dad refused. I left within weeks..I took her to another apartment/shared two floor house..he on the top and me separate on the lower level... when again I had problems due to his disrespect for my daughter. He and his girlfriend would go at it loudly and my daughter was hearing it. I asked if they could keep it down - he cared less so I moved back with my Dad who professed my sister would stay out of his and my business. That lasted 2 weeks and we were off to the races. I had no where to go..my daughter listened to the fights from my Dad, my sister and me. I got a great job only to have to abandon it because my daughter was having problems in school. I had our family doctor see her, the school workers see her. They all told me the same thing...stability. How can one have stability with no job, no money, no roof over your head, relatives that are goating you and fighting in your face, falsly accusing you of being a sponger and suddenly realizing that your Dad has alzeihmers or the start of and you are looking after him while your sibling is in denial that he is okay but you know he isn't because you live with him and have notice as a professional marked differences. During this time I met my now husband, immigrated to another place in the world with hopes of a new life only to find out that after 2 years of loving someone and seeing changes that they are Bi-polar and now your so deeply entrenched that you can not even phathom leaving. And all during this time...I still had my daughters hand in mine.   

So you think this is knew to me? That this is my first go around with chaos - emotional issues - counsellors? I could write a book about the BS I have been witness to, experienced...you acknowlege my tiredness...what I have gone through would have killed most or atleast driven them to self-destruction or a mental ward..in a straight jacket!...And trust when I say...as you said..you just wanted to give me some insight into who you are or what you have experienced...I am doing the same...what I have told you is just one hay strand in a barn full of hay! 

When we got to where we are now...we put her in counselling. A Psychologist...saw her for the longest time..it did nothing for her. We changed to a more spiritual counsellor...the relief was temporary..the rage continued...we tried an alternate after that who would be more firm - helping to set boundaries...it was a joke. My husband went, I went, she went...  

Yes you are right...it is a FAMILY AFFAIR...but where you jumped the gun is by assuming that I do not think that it is. That I think or feel that hubby and I are not part of the scenario or that she is the target here.  What you missed is that I am more concerned about her at this point..not us...but her as she is a child and we are adults and she has immature coping skills if any at all. And that she does not have the cognitive skills to process all that she has witnessed or been exposed to..She is the primary concern...her wellbeing is at the first and foremost part of the picture...you seemed to not "see" that... 

My child has been crying for help for more than 10 years if you ask me. And I have tried very very hard to get her what she needs..but I am so frustrated with the psychologists who tell me it is a phase..they can not seem to understand that she is capable of being abusive - hitting, punching, slapping. That she is capable of rage! That she is capable of lying or manipulation. They can not understand that this extremely model pretty, blonde - blue eyed cover girl is capable of saying to your face that she understands and then when you leave the room that you are a complete waste of her time. She has little regard for authority yet I have always instilled that respect be given to those who wear a badge to protect us, those who take it as a life oath to teach us, serve the public or give of themselves to heal or help those who need it. We are talking about a child who (with my help) collected over 900 cans of food for the homeless where her peers in her school could barily bring a can of soup...a child who lost a piece of herself watching 911 and Katrina - who told me she wanted to go to Orleans to help or bring a child into our home...yet she is also the one who thought nothing of closing the cat between the glass door and screen door in anger..thank god I was there to put my foot in defense of the poor animal. We are talking about someone who calls their mother a slut and a whore..and who cares less watching the streams of tears running down the face of a woman who has given everything to her at unconditionally.  She cares less about dumping a full garbage can in the middle of the kitchen and refuses to pick it up and clean the floor...she care nothing about telling her step-father who has given financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually to this child who is not his yet gets no respect nor acknowledgement for what he has done for her or I and continues to do.  

You think I have not lead the way..how mistaken. I have contacted more agencies, searched for therapists, psychologists who have the capabilities of seeing past her personal beauty and the facade she places as being this sweetie..only in vain. How could this angel be as her mother indicates..it must be me..my perceptions must be off. I must be goating her. The only and I mean the only support I have received of late is a police officer who has been to our house numerous times and has heard her screaming the obsenities as he entered the house (she had no clue he was there)..Otherwise she would have gone back to her good witch of the north persona until he left...enter the manipulation that she has down pat. The police officer has been my only support and validation that I have done everything I can and continue to do so to get her help. He knows of my frustration with the system which is failing my family...he sees my tears of hoplessness and despair..   

What disturbs me is your assumption that you perceive that I am oblivious to this being a family issue and that she is the sole target here..that you assume we have sat back and just let her squander in her pain. That you think that I think that this is her problem soley. Frankly as I respond to this letter to me of yours, and I re-read certain passages...I am wondering where you are gathering your assumptions from that make me look like some inept mother who has no empathy for my child or her pain. Do you not think that when all this was going off on Sunday with the police that I was not beside myself with heavy emotion for my child..? The tears were so strong I could have filled the kitchen sink... Do you have any clue how it feels when you are standing there and the police call a judge on a Sunday to say they feel she should be admitted to a hospital for a 3 day mental evaluation..and you have NO health care and you can see a 20K bill heading your way and a great possibility that your next address will be in a park or shelter? And yet you are concerned that if they leave without her that she could be dead by morning or gone and you can't find her? Do you know what it feels like seeing your beautiful child who is an A-B student who holds 5 medals for dance who lays one minute in your lap as you caress her hair and cheek raising her fist in anger to you the next in a level of rage that would terrify? Do you know how your heart is ripped out when you see a police officer in her face telling her to stop running her mouth..and that they do not know what to do with her because she has not broken the law by throwing something at a wall or by screaming verbals at us? Or the real joke..telling me to get her councelling when she is with the school worker and has been on and off for the last 5 years and it has done nothing but gone from bad to worse? And do you know what it feels like to have your 10 year old angel sleep in the back of your van with her quilt..as you sit up through the night in a parking lot as a single mother..no where to go, no money for a hotel never mind an apartment - as you need it to keep wheels under both your feet or for her clothes or food...and this is after your own father tells you to get out not realizing what he is saying or doing as he is not himself? And your only other avenue is a hostel or shelter for women..in a huge big city where you know from experience that there is a bigger risk to her there then in the van... and then you sit there in disbelief wondering about God and commitment , the unity of family, community, government, friendship...while you watch her flinch in her sleep on the backseat..nursing a coffee to keep you awake..reaching for your cell to call someone/anyone and you realize how truly alone you are..and how you with a college education, poised, intelligent, giving, caring..trustworthy, respectful, who cherishes life and the gift of life ended up in that parking lot with her having to go through this..and you think about goals and steps and where do we go from this parking lot..and when the sun rises..you wipe your tears..start the engine and humble yourself to going back to your Dad's feeling defeated, like some low life who deserved having to go through some sort of lesson of life..owning emotionally and mentally the impact of 

 the situation and then as you drive you attempt to figure out how can I raise my daughter to believe the world is a fine place to be when she just spent the night on the back seat of the van..and of course..how do you justify to her the responses to our need from those who say they love her.... 

Her own father did nothing...  

And his mother did nothing...  

And his sisters did nothing...  

And my sister did nothing...  

And my friends..did nothing...  

And the workers could offer nothing..  

And welfare workers..said sell your van..and we will help you..but how can I go to work..and take her to daycare/school..grocery shopping...YOU DON"T QUALIFY...get a job...how..who will get her from school..I can't pay daycare afterschool..I don't qualify...  

SORRY your out of luck...  

Your absolutely right and I say this with the utmost in sarcasm..."I did nothing and continue to be an ostrich"....and please as you said do not feel I am judging YOU (as you capilized it)..but before you step on your soap box perhaps you need to ask the question of why I don't think counselling will work for her...and why I say HELPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!...I am always searching for alternatives or that therapist, psychologist or whomever that may help her, reach her, allow her to finally reach the peace in her soul that was stolen away from her. She is so layered with emotional pain..that has manifested itself to anger towards me (and perhaps it is me who she feels safe with to vent that anger) or whomever...and perhaps she is unaware of the what is that is driving her this way or how her actions will prove to be devistating to her future on this earth. Cause and effect. I invite you to come into my world...tell her that you are taking away her cell phone or give her the structure or disipline for her actions..then you can sit by her door through the night as you hear her sob saying she wants to die..leave..how she hates her life..you...herself...perhaps you can come and wrestle the cutting tools from her hands..the one that scapes across her tender limbs...and perhaps you can talk to these therapists that tell you after one or two meetings that she seems fine..balanced..intelligent..good grades..and on and on..as you sit there with your jaw hitting the ground..knowing that it is more the opposite and that she is on the brink of devistation.....you come and tell her that if they take her to the hospital because we need to help her that she need not be afraid...and you listen to her as she says if they take me I will kill myself or run before then can get me... You listen to her cry as she pleads don't take me from my Mom..I'm sorry Mom..I'm sorry... 

And then you can sit like me and feel like the system that you once trained in is failing you but moreso failing the light of your life, the tiny soul that keeps your heart beating..you wipe her tears and explain that there is help out there somewhere over the rainbow.... 

But tomorrow is another day!