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Topic : 07/11 Domestic Dollar Disputes

Number of Replies: 229
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 06, 2006, 07:04:19 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Do you and your spouse constantly fight over money? The battle over the buck is causing friction for Dr. Phil's guests. Chere says her husband, Clint, watches their finances so closely, he makes her account for every cent spent — down to a pack of chewing gum. Clint says he has to be tight with the wallet, or they would be broke. Is Clint justified or is he using money to dominate? Then, meet a wife who has already filed for divorce because she's tired of carrying her husband's financial baggage, including paying his child support payments. Should she go through with the divorce or will her husband learn to change his ways. Can these marriages be saved?


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July 9, 2006, 6:47 pm CDT

I am beginning to post to you on the Abuse message board....

Quote From: lssanders

I can really sympathize with you on this subject.  My husband complains that he pays ALL the household bills, etc.  and that I am "using him".  I have worked for 20 years in a "joint" business that we had for no pay at all!!!  That was untile we sold it 3 years ago.  He horded the profits and "hid" money from the sale of the business.  I found some cash that he had hidden in his glove box at one time.  It had come from his parents safe where they had "hidden" part of the "cash" for him.  I never had the guts to confront him of this.  As he would deny it anyway!!!  He would buy things and I would ask him where he got "that" kind of money and he said one time "I worked it out"!   Well, where was MY "working out" cash for all them years.    

When he got bent out two weeks ago about him paying for all the bills, etc. I reminded him of how I have always worked, but never got paid for doing it.  I iron, wash, cook good meals, keep the house clean, etc.  His answer was, "then stop, I can take care of myself!" 

I just am not sure what to do at this point.  I cannot get over this situation.  It eats at me night and day!  I wish I had the means to go to college and take some classes.  I tried that one time and took ONE course, and was told to stop.  That I had had enough of that!   

We have been married almost 32 years, and since I stayed at home with the kids when they were little, and then worked in our business for 20 years, I have not had much education.  I am just not sure what to do or how to handle this craziness. 

As you know this is abuse.....financial abuse.  

   

I am posting to you on the Abuse message board.  

   

Is your husband physically abusive, also?  

   

Are you afraid of what he will do to hurt you or jeopardize your safety?  

   

Is that what prevents you from setting boundaries and guidelines with this behavior of his?  

   

Post to us there on the abuse board.  

   

You do have the means to go to college......your assets are there in your marriage and partnership in the past business and present assets.....you have been married for more than enough time to claim all your joint assets.....meaning legally if need be.  

   

   

   

   

 
July 9, 2006, 7:21 pm CDT

you are a beautiful and intelligent woman---and

Quote From: lssanders

vlwc57, 

I have been this route 5 years ago.  He was not only "verbally" abusive and controlling, but he hit me and i had HAD IT.  I went to court explained my situation about it all.....the Judge put him out for 6 months...he stayed 7....and I was STUPID and scared and begged him back, yes, i guess i BACKED DOWN as you say............I have been married since I was 18 and am 50 now.  I know nothing but "depending" on him.!!!!!!  He KNOWS it.   Everyone told me half of this and half of that.....I dont' know because we "Owed" on everything.  He would sell the home and HIDE half of the funds from it, just like he did the joint business that we owned together.  He will have lots of money and say...I need to put it in a "fund" for "our retirement"....ha.  I get the picture.  If something DID happen....guess what.....I am screwed.   Really!  He would take it out Likety Split and put it in someone elses name.....Like he didn't own it until everything was settled.  I would be on food stamps and all.   Not that I wouldn't feel like sometimes I really would bet lots better off.   I have no family that I could go to.....so I would totally be out there.....alone.   I know this sound pitiful and so co-dependant.  Sorry, but I dont have no idea at this stage in my life HOW in the world I would even get a loan in my name, to buy a car, a home, etc.  Right now he is doing a little better....he has had his fit two weeks ago, etc etc.   Now he is all lovey dovey.....I am not lovey dovey....I feel nothing for him, right now! 

you are a beautiful and intelligent woman--and you do have options....you have so much more power than you realize.  

   

What do you mean when you said...everyone told me half of this and half of that.....oh, I can guess...you are entitled to 1/2 of everything.....well.....let me see......from your profile.....your state is an equitable distribution state.  

   

Actually EQUITABLE DISTRIBUTION MEANS FAIR AND EQUITABLE DISTRIBUTION DETERMINED BY THE COURTS....THAT MEANS YOU COULD ACTUALLY END UP WITH MORE THAN 1/2 IF IT IS DETERMINED SO.  

   

You are entitled to your share of all property, assets and pensions, etc.....the length of your marriage is in your favor......there are many factors that can work in your favor.  

   

Even if things weren't titled or jointly held in your name also....they are your assets, too.  

   

I'm not so sure you OWED on everything...some of that explanation comes from him, doesn't it?  

   

You can look like you owe on paper for write offs....and still own plenty !!!!  

   

Accounting, laws, and taxes.  

   

You are protected with the law-----you are the spouse.    If he were to sell the house and hide the funds....that can be uncovered....the real estate transfers give that info....it s public information and recorded.   He has to be honest as the taxes will be due......and profits must show....difference between mortgages and what it sells for.....the rest is equity or profit.  

   

Funds that he invests in have paper trails....or trails and account info.....that are traceable with social security number....etc.         

   

If he would take it out lickety split and put it in someone else's name.....its traceable....as deductions are traceable....transfers are traceable and even if someone else's name is "dumb enough" to be used.....that is traceable....as $$ amounts over a certain amount have to be reported when accounts are invested and or banked.  

   

He is bound by laws to provide all accurate and truthful accounts when and if he is deposed.  

   

You can build your own credit history.  

   

You do have assets now....whether or not you believe that now.  

   

This abuse of his is not going to stop....he is temporarily in the "honeymoon stage" or the peaceful stage.....of the abuse cycle.....but it will end.....he will choose to end the phase and it will go into the tension building stage again.......then you know what comes next......the "blow up."  

   

Then we go round and round again.  

   

This is a long long time to have been abused.....you seem to be accepting it....not thinking that you have any options.  

   

Please seek counseling for yourself.  

   

Please call a Domestic Abuse hot-line for some resources and information.....a "support group"  

   

I care.  

   

Posting further on the abuse board to you.  

   

Please continue to post there.  

   

   

 
July 9, 2006, 7:32 pm CDT

why, why, why?

Quote From: takchances

I am a single 46 year old whom for the last 2 years has lived with a Man whom controls not only his money but what I do with mine.  We used to have a joint account for household expenses but in all honesty I am the one having to pay everything. 

  

He does contribute somewhat but usually whatever money I get from him I use to pay bills mine as I have been out of work for 2 years and went back to school. I recently had to withdraw from my classes as I became ill. He does not help me or support me in anyway, yet I do everything around the house from running his errands, my errands, clean, cook. He has it made. He has a great job owns alot of rental property's but yet we never have the money to go anywhere or take me out, but yet he plenty of money to take his ex-wife out and spend weekends away with her. 

Why, why, why?  

   

He is controlling you and your money.  

   

He sees to it that your money is used up easily for bills.  

   

He is not there emotionally, financially, of physically for you.  

   

Why are you running HIS errands.....do you realize the message you are giving him?  

   

He is isolating you at home....saying no $$ to go....what an excuse.   Just an excuse.  

   

And on top of that you are sitting at home and he is with ex wife and spending $$ and weekends with her.  

   

My goodness.  

   

Perhaps she would like to cook for him and wash his dirty underwear?  

   

Why does he have it made with you......when he treats you so poorly.  

   

Please set some boundaries and guidelines for yourself with him......you deserve better than any of this.  

   

There is an abuse message board on this site.....under Relationship/'sex....then under marriage....then abuse.  

   

See you there.  

   

   

 
July 9, 2006, 7:44 pm CDT

in getting free...

Quote From: unamiga

Well Here I go again.....hubby does not split tax return, charges me more than what he pays for car payment and  has other incomes coming in and does not share with me or girls and yes, has me on smal foodl budget   , and on top of it all calls me stupid wife, because he takes vacations without me ,lies to me as often as possible and really thinks that "things" are far more important that family....Has gone to the extent of telling me I need counciling......I am finally pulling myself back together got me a job that is starting to pay generously, got a lawyer and now  am looking forward to kicking hubby out.....The story is classic domination, wife must be obedient and all that but I am finally breaking lose.....something clicked insided about being joy ful with self and .seeking freedom inside.......Am very scared for he keeps telling me I will lose the house the car and all my posessions, but deep down inside....so what....I can replace everything as long as I can be happy and free with myself....I have found joy in the work I do and in doing so finding freedom of who I am where I must be and am not so scared anymore of the fighting, insults or belittling....Its not about fighting back anymore , its about getting free.........

in getting free...you are entitled to your share of all the belongings and assets.  

   

Depending on the state you live in  and years of your marriage.....you have rights according to law.  More probably than you realize.  

   

Take care.  

   

I wish you well.  

   

These are forms of abuse, you know.  There is an abuse message board...a place for you to talk about all this and vent with others.  

   

Seek it out, if you wish.  

   

Take care.   

   

   

 
July 10, 2006, 5:27 am CDT

My or his

I have been married for 11 years and for the most I paid 1/2 mortgage,all car truck,boats or any type of insurance that is  all house,health also,the food,I paid all credit cards (mostly my husband things) I f I buy anything mostly for the house or yard. gas bill for the house,he pays 1/2 mortgage,lights,phone and cable but yet he thinks he pays the most and he take the rst of his money and do what ever he likes mostly on him. He tells people that I am selfness,controling and he really talks crap about me and I do love him but I know that he is not really happy it is just the material things and I hate it but feel like I am the one at blame for all the trouble I just want us ( me & him ) to be happy and do things together  as a couple not wiht his family all the times. Please help. 

  

 
July 10, 2006, 10:00 am CDT

Our money.... Yea Right...

My husband is driving me to the point of getting a divorced. We just got married on New Years Eve but been together for about 10 years. Long story short we broke up back in aug. 2005 and got back together in Dec2005, got married on New Years Eve and I'm starting to wonder if this is even worth it. Ever since we got back together it’s been a real joke about money. I can’t even go to the store and buy laundry soap with out him saying I’m spending money on stupid things. I’m really tired of him trying to control me its not just the money but he also get mad at me if I go to my moms house and I get told that I’m running all over town on his dime. The bad part is I have a part time job and been paying my bills with it and putting the gas into my car. But it’s still his money and he’s the bread maker... It’s to the point that if I want something I have to ask and I really feel like his trying to control me. I’ve said some really bad things to him because I’ve had enough. The one day I told him ok daddy ill do what you say. This was out of anger. I don’t know what to do with him but leave him. The bad part is my girls and I will go with out and hell go spend 1500 in one blow. He makes 5000 a month after taxes compared to my $400. This last week he bought 2 hand guns ($1500)... When he told me that I bought junk at the store I brought up the fact of him blowing $1500 on guns that we don’t need. He tells me that it was extra money and he can spend what he wants. But yet he gets mad at me because I spent money on laundry soap, garbage bags, toilet paper, milk and I’m told that I’m blowing  money and I don’t listen to him I have no respect for him and is telling me that I do stupid things. I’m also not liking this gun thing because he has been carrying them around with him. We don’t even have a concealed weapon permit yet. And I’m a Cert CSI Tech. I don’t know I’m making a little nest so that I can move out and just end it. Like I said its not just the money I’m tired of being told that I’m worthless... Not in those words but in many other ways. Every time we get in a little fight his solution is for me to move out or get a divorce. He won’t sit down and talk to me or take in my feelings. IF I start to cry he’ll tell me go cry down stairs because he don’t want to hear it and I’m crying for no reason. I really don’t want to get a divorce because we have 3 little girls that are getting hurt by this. But I know that I’m showing them it’s ok to be treated like this and they might go through the same thing. However I’m also not going to sit around and be mentally abused. Please help is there something I can do to help him? Maybe it’s me to and I’m willing to except that. What can I do?

   

  

   

  

 
July 10, 2006, 11:59 am CDT

It is joint money....you are entitled to it....and

Quote From: 93021670

My husband is driving me to the point of getting a divorced. We just got married on New Years Eve but been together for about 10 years. Long story short we broke up back in aug. 2005 and got back together in Dec2005, got married on New Years Eve and I'm starting to wonder if this is even worth it. Ever since we got back together it’s been a real joke about money. I can’t even go to the store and buy laundry soap with out him saying I’m spending money on stupid things. I’m really tired of him trying to control me its not just the money but he also get mad at me if I go to my moms house and I get told that I’m running all over town on his dime. The bad part is I have a part time job and been paying my bills with it and putting the gas into my car. But it’s still his money and he’s the bread maker... It’s to the point that if I want something I have to ask and I really feel like his trying to control me. I’ve said some really bad things to him because I’ve had enough. The one day I told him ok daddy ill do what you say. This was out of anger. I don’t know what to do with him but leave him. The bad part is my girls and I will go with out and hell go spend 1500 in one blow. He makes 5000 a month after taxes compared to my $400. This last week he bought 2 hand guns ($1500)... When he told me that I bought junk at the store I brought up the fact of him blowing $1500 on guns that we don’t need. He tells me that it was extra money and he can spend what he wants. But yet he gets mad at me because I spent money on laundry soap, garbage bags, toilet paper, milk and I’m told that I’m blowing  money and I don’t listen to him I have no respect for him and is telling me that I do stupid things. I’m also not liking this gun thing because he has been carrying them around with him. We don’t even have a concealed weapon permit yet. And I’m a Cert CSI Tech. I don’t know I’m making a little nest so that I can move out and just end it. Like I said its not just the money I’m tired of being told that I’m worthless... Not in those words but in many other ways. Every time we get in a little fight his solution is for me to move out or get a divorce. He won’t sit down and talk to me or take in my feelings. IF I start to cry he’ll tell me go cry down stairs because he don’t want to hear it and I’m crying for no reason. I really don’t want to get a divorce because we have 3 little girls that are getting hurt by this. But I know that I’m showing them it’s ok to be treated like this and they might go through the same thing. However I’m also not going to sit around and be mentally abused. Please help is there something I can do to help him? Maybe it’s me to and I’m willing to except that. What can I do?

   

  

   

  

It is and you are.  

   

He is abusing you.  

   

You NEED TO HELP YOU, AND YOUR LITTLE GIRLS.  

   

HE IS NOT WILLING TO STOP THIS BEHAVIOR AND IT WILL CONTINUE.  

   

I don't like hearing that he is buying GUNS and carrying them around with him.....and  HE IS WITHOUT THE PROPER PERMITS.  

   

THIS ALL SOUNDS DANGEROUS.  

   

AND OBVIOUSLY AGAINST THE LAW, TOO.  right.  

   

IS HE A VIOLENT MAN??  

   

has he battered or abused you or the girls ?  

   

I am concerned.  

   

Take care.  

   

   

 
July 10, 2006, 12:07 pm CDT

sounds like you are experiencing abuse...

Quote From: breez36

I have been married for 11 years and for the most I paid 1/2 mortgage,all car truck,boats or any type of insurance that is  all house,health also,the food,I paid all credit cards (mostly my husband things) I f I buy anything mostly for the house or yard. gas bill for the house,he pays 1/2 mortgage,lights,phone and cable but yet he thinks he pays the most and he take the rst of his money and do what ever he likes mostly on him. He tells people that I am selfness,controling and he really talks crap about me and I do love him but I know that he is not really happy it is just the material things and I hate it but feel like I am the one at blame for all the trouble I just want us ( me & him ) to be happy and do things together  as a couple not wiht his family all the times. Please help. 

  

Sounds like you're experiencing abuse in several forms.  

   

Do you think that is true?  

   

Financial abuse is one of many forms of abuse.  

   

His emotional abuse is hurtful too.  

   

I would say that he is the controlling one......a selfish act on his part......one set up to control you...and sounds like its working on you......you are taking responsibility for his problems.  

   

Are you allowed any real feelings in this household.....or is it what he says, goes.  

   

And you believe all that he says?  

   

There is an abuse message board listed under Relationships/Sex........then click on marriage......then ABUSE.  

   

   

Others there will welcome your posts.....and you can vent and get it out there......resources and information will be offered.  

   

Take care.  

 
July 10, 2006, 1:58 pm CDT

to: momlovesson that is married to jerk

Quote From: momloveson

I'm a SAHM who's husband makes a 6 figure salary.  He's asked for reciepts and if I ask for even $10  cash for the month I had to totally justify the $10 with reciepts AND an explaination. NO DEBT.  Just a very small mortgage that will be paid off 20 years early.  He wants to retire when he's 50 so he justifies being "stingy" with HIS money.  I had to fight (with the marital counselor) to get my name on the bank accounts.  So, he started hiding money in a SECRET account.    We live well below our means.  No one would even guess that we're worth 1/2 million dollars in our 30s.    We have only 1 child who is not in the least bit "spoiled." 

  

I am interested in seeing how this wife is with the money.  I am a thrifty person and quite good with managing money.  I'm not a spender.   I dont' wear jewelry or designer clothes.  I don't have a closet full of clothes (I've got 10 hangers in the closet).  My husband says that he has to keep a tight fist on the finances or I'd spend it all.  Its a totally unjustified opinion since I've ALWAYS kept within a budget and have never tried to keep up with the jones'.   

  

 For years he would tell me to stop spending...we couldn't afford it.  I, of course, couldn't understand what in the h--- he was talking about since I don't spend anything!)   He's made me justify taking my son to the doctors because of the cost (we have EXCELLENT insurance). There have even been emergencies that our son, or I, needed to go to ER and he's argued with me about going.  Now, I simply take my son if he needs to go and deal with the consequences.  Unfortunately, I have a non curable chronic illness which, after insurance, costs us about $1000 a year because of MRI's, CAT scan's,  therapy and medication.  This, again, is another reason why I should be greatful for everything I get...according to my husband.  

  

We have been on the brink of divorce for 2 years now mostly because of the financial control he exerts on me. .  People think that couples wouldn't fight about money if they had money.  That's just not true.   I made 1 late payment on my student loan 10 years ago.  I was single, struggling to get established after college.  Because of that, I'll be hearing I'm "bad with money" for my entire lifetime.    

  

  

It sounds to me that he is hoarding the money and plans to leave you one day and take it all. i would file for divorce now, take my share and get out. You could get a lot, talk to an attorney. Why live in hell with him, when you can get rid of him and spend  his money, but check with legal advice first and get references.  free consultations. good luck.
 
July 10, 2006, 5:46 pm CDT

I think the great Dr. Phil says..........

Quote From: roni247

This is the main reason why the divorce rate is so high. Everyone is looking for the other to provide for them. Whatever happen to 50/50. The wife haveing to pay his child support payment is really too much.  We all want to have relationships that we are willing to pay at any cost. My favorite saying " If you like it then I love it.  

it is not 50/50, it is 100/100! You are right, she 

should not be paying his child support. 

 
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