Topic : 07/11 Domestic Dollar Disputes

My husband and I have been married for eight years.  We each brought two children into our marriage.  My husband asked to not work so I stay home with the children.  It was fine with me at first.  Soon it became  a big problem because the quality of life was low according to me.  My husband was giving me $50.00 a week for groceries (including laundry and dish detergent).  Shampoo and conditioners were bought in bulk when he found a deal of a dollar or less.  I cried, argued a lot.  I was receiving $50.00 per month for child support.  These 50.00 dollars bought shampoo for my oldest daughter, and other little things I would like to get for the children. 

A year latter I started working as a substitute teacher to get some money for the things the girls wanted and needed, and also to buy some decent fresh food (I do not like can food). 

Our situation was difficult but with time got better.  I am a penny pincher.  Honestly, last year was the first time my husband game me real money to get new clothes for myself.  But my husband and I are where we want to be.  We do not argue about money anymore.  I have one deal with my husband:  if he spend money on a dvd, cd, music, or video game he has to give me the same amount he spent for me to spend any way I want. 

Please, find solutions to the money problem but do not resort to divorce. 

A secret to share with the firt lady in the show today:  men usually do not think about the girls or women in general needing money for make up, feminine needs, hair stuff, etc.  I had to teach mine, because we have three girls.  He learned. 

Last year my husband found out the finaces were down the drain. I had been doing the bills and was doing a very bad job with it. Instead of confiding in him, I hid the bills instead. Well, you can only imagine what happened when he found out. He was angry, hurt, and a whole other list of emotions. I lost all rights to use the checking account and even lost the right to go to the post office to get the mail. I was mad at first but in reality being treated like a child but I had acted like a child and put the family in finacial ruins. A year later all the bills are caught up, all except 2 credit cards are paid off, and my van is almost paid off as well. I have access to the checking account but I make sure to let him know what I need the money for and as long as I record it so that he can keep the account straight all is well. I could go to the post office, but I really hate going up there so I am fine with the fact that he goes instead.  

The key to not arguing over money is to work together and be honest with it all. When I watched today's show, I was very happy that my husband did not act like that. He does want money kept in the savings account because when he does not have overtime, we need that money to fall back on. But if I go over the "recommended spending"(that happens when he wants ice cream, I dont considter that part of my normal grocery budget!), there is not a huge fight. He knows that the cost of groceries are going up, he don't like it, and neither do I, but that is life. The husband who keeps changing jobs and starting projects and not completing them, needs a reality check! When you work for someone, there are times you have to put up with things. I think his problem is that he works for his boss the same way he works around the house. M husband has been at the same job for 24 years, so days he is ready to quit, but he keeps going on. I am in college trying to get a B.S. degree in Criminal Justice. He says he is ready for me to graduate so that I can go to work and he can stay home. He says that but he enjoys his job and would be board if he quit. I hope both couples can work things out because in the middle of all there problems are the kids and they deserve better! 

I feel for Chere.  I couldn't imagine being held hostage the way Clint holds her.  In my opinion that is what he does, holds her hostage.  I watched my mom go through this when I was growing up and so I worked really hard to make sure I am financially independent no matter what.  My husband and I both work our butts off, and we have mutual respect for what the other person contributes.  I recognize that we contribute differently to our household and strive to respect my husbands contributions even when I'm frustrated with cleaning house or doing laundry after working all day.  I couldn't imagine having to work full time raising a family and then having to grovel like Chere does just to get a few dollars.  How humiliating. 

His statement that she doesn't understand money is a farse if she was a successful single mom before he came along.  She wouldn't have been able to take care of her family if she didn't understand money.  I don't know that I would be able to stay in a marriage with such a condescending man.  I've been on complete bedrest for 2 months expecting our first child, and have found it hard to rely on my husband for absolutely everything I need even though I'm lucky enough to be able to work from home.  If I need groceries or an errand to be run, I have to get him to do it when he can.  He is unbelievable understanding and has literally taken our world on his shoulders all with a smile on his face.  My heart goes out to Chere that she doesnt have a partner she can rely on that way. 

For the second couple - she needs to RUN RUN RUN.  She got duped in my opinion, or ignored all the red flags, and now needs to cut her losses like Dr. Phil said otherwise she'll just be worse off in the future with that man.  I agree with her totally - if he has to take a minimum wage job while looking for that cash cow job he is demanding then that is what he has to do.  When you have a family to take care of, you do whatever you have to!  Regardless of how old the kids at home are, he should still be completely responsible for all the household duties if she is out working and he is sitting at home with his feet up.  I couldn't believe he wouldn't even contribute that much to that relationship.  RUN RUN RUN!!! 

I am in a situation similar to the second couple. Although my husband had a wonderful  lucrative job (self employed) when we married 7 years ago, his prescription drug abuse has kept him in constant debt.  Fortunately we kept our finances separate--no joint accounts.  I did finance his vehicle but it is now paid for.  Unfortunately he has gone downhill steadily for 6 months--did get off the drugs but is now having many other issues because of the long term effect of the meds.  

My car insurance was cancelled because if his poor driving record.  I moved out two weeks ago and filed for dicorce.  I still love him and feel bad and sad for the situation but I can't help him anymore. He is agreeable to the divorce because I NEED it to be able to financially save myself. I have done all the the communting and moving durign our marriage (I lived in another city).  I never interfered with his visitation with his kids or asked him to switch visitation in 7 years.  I had 2 drawers and 1/4 closet while they each had their own rooms and closets they didn't even use.  Fortunately I have a home in the other city and I need to protect that.  My husband home is going no the market even though he recently recfinanced it and paid most of his bills off, he is back at square one.  Mortgage already behind etc.  He is also have legal problems now.  Even though I still love him I can no longer tolerate the situation.  As Dr Phil said past behavior is an indicator of future and I ignored the signs.  I have told him that if he straightens himself out financially, legally and emotionally maybe in a year or so we can reconsider getting together (although I would NEVER remarry).  It has been so hard to watch this once wonderful man do this to himself but at the same time I have to look after me because I won't be dragged down with him. 

To answer one thing quick is he’s never been violent with me or the girls he’s more abusive with words. However there has been 2 times in the last 7 months that I thought he was going to hit me because he would get so mad at me. I’ve told have told he that if he ever hits me that I will leave and I will press charges on him. Not only the cops at work would have it out from him and he knows that.  I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster with him one moment he’s great then the next he’s nasty and I just rather not be around him. When we broke up I moved out because I just couldn’t handle the pressure of him. I still seem to have a lot of hurt feelings from that, which are starting to come back out. When we got back together things where great he took us every where he would go, we would do family things and he even would stick up for me he was being the person that I once knew. But know its back to the same old beat but this time with a ring on my finger that don’t seem to have and worth. I’m not sure what to do, I know that he “CAN” be a great person but I think that there is something that’s going on with him and he’s not letting me in.  Our days do not consist of any family values. He goes to work comes home and will either play the computer or go to he’s friends house.  He don’t help around the house at all and I mean he don’t do nothing but what I told you. I do the cleaning; mowing the lawn, take out the garbage, everything that you can think of. Except for one time he fixed the air conditioner because HE was hot. So I don’t know what to do with him. I think he’s got depression really bad. He has also told me that he doesn’t believe in a higher person and he could care less if he dies tomorrow. To me those are all hurting for me because that’s not what my values are in life nor was it his when we got married. I know feel that he just put on a show to get me back and I fell for it. I’m going to sit him down with him and try to talk to him to see what I can get out of him, Today’s a good day but I’m sure that well change really quick.  Oh one other thing to answer the other question about the proper permits, Yes it is against the law to carry a concealed weapon. I haven’t really talk to him about that either but plan to because I sure in the heck not going to be around him when he’s carrying it. This can put a bad mark on my job/career that I have worked to hard to get to. The funny thing about this is I knew that this wasn’t all me.  I feel that I’m just there for his beckon call and 90% of the time do what he wants so that there is no drama. But as I said I know that this is not fair to my girls and they sure in the hell don’t disserve this.    

Hi Dr.Phil!!!! If you ask me I think with the first couple the Husband is trying to over Dominate the money situation. As for the second couple. I think the wife should proceed with the divorce especially if she's tired of any emotional bagage with him. Second of all you need to tell her that she shouldn't be helping him out one bit!!! Especially helping him with child support. He's a grown man I think, He should be the one making his own payments not getting his "mommy" to do it for him.  

frillyfroo, 

I am the woman who found the cash (that I had helped to work for from our store business) that was hidden in his Glove Box.  It was about $800.00.  It took me over 3 or 4 weeks to finally go "get it" and Keep It.   He has never questioned if I did it or not.  He either forgot it was there, or figures "someone" stole it.  I still laugh!!! 

We had a business which HE sold while we were separted.  He put the $12,000.00 profit in HIS Credit Union Account...making me sign the check!!!!   He did deposti checks in the store account, bu the CASH money....He kept that....hid it in his Fathers home safe....but the cash I found was in one of our Store shopping bags....sooooo ... that told me ...he hid the profits from the SALE of the merchandise we owned "jointly".....Sounds complicated, But it really is simple.     

He got ALL the profits from the SALE 3 years ago!!!  I "GET TO" live here, and be his wife!